The summons had arrived early in the morning. On official parchment, no less: Shining Armor's presence was requested in the military quarter's Administration Building before noon. He was also to bring along a certain forgotten bag from his train ride. The scroll was the first thing he had seen when he awoke, and the last thing he wanted to see at all. He had barely any time to sleep.
Even now, as the door to a freshly-painted office stood open for him, he felt his stomach doing aerobatic stunts. The summons prompted all of his sour memories from the day before to replay in his mind, and more than once he mistook someone's rushing hoofsteps for the start of Pappy's trademark cackle. His anxiety stole his senses to the point that be barely saw the inside of the office.
Eventually, one of the building's aides had to coax him inside to await the brigadier general's arrival. The smell of paint was stifling. The one sense he kept. Curse my luck.
For the second time in as many days, he was left with his own horrible company. To his credit, he had managed to keep Pappy's saddlebags shut tight. He was certain that whatever awaited him would be much worse if he poked around. Besides, the bags probably didn't have anything important. Just some personal items for a private bathroom, maybe. Or even a forgotten lunch. Eugh. Whatever it was, it was none of Shining's business, and he pointedly looked away from it as often as he could. Which, he quickly realized, was only because he kept looking back to it again and again.
He swallowed. He had skipped breakfast - the scroll had stolen his appetite, too. A good, oversized sandwich would be wonderful. Where was that old man? The sooner this was over and done, the sooner he could get back to important things. Like unpacking from his trip, and visiting his marefriend, and a million other things that did not involve sitting and waiting in a cluttered room. That was also true; a number of boxes, most open to the paint-heavy air, were stacked all around the room. Appropriately, there were also several shelves and cabinets lining the walls, waiting to be filled. Shining Armor appreciated the tasks for what they were, wishing he had one to occupy his time. Come ON, you old bag, I don't have—
There was a heavy thunk just behind him, followed by a dreadful sound. "Eh heh heh! Well, good morning!"
Curse his luck. He was so focused on his own thoughts that he had forgotten to listen. Remembering where he was — and, more importantly, who was with him — Shining Armor turned and snapped off a salute. At least this time he was in proper dress.
Both of them were, for that matter. Pappy was grinning at him over the sharp blue of his own uniform, decorated at both shoulders with a number of ribbons. The silver star of his rank shone in the sunlight of a nearby window. He kept his cover tucked inside one of his pockets, but even that was immaculately clean and crisp. The sight of his bald head, oddly smoother than yesterday (Oil? Probably oil.), also caught the light and gave yet another distraction.
Shining Armor pushed past it all. "Good morning, sir!"
"Ahh, none of that, none of that." Pappy waved off the salute and strode in like he owned the place. How fitting. "You're here as my guest! No need to get right to business."
"Sir, I was summoned with official documentation."
That gave him pause. Pappy glared at the scroll like it had personally offended him. "Of course you were." He sighed, a deep, throaty thing that sounded like it came from a swamp. "Well, if you have to be like that, then I'm hereby commanding you to loosen up. You just came off leave, didn't you?"
Shining had no idea how to take that. As Pappy walked past him, he let his foreleg fall. "I...yes, sir, I did." He heard the general muttering to himself about paper trails and red tape.
"Well, give the thing here, and I'll see to it that it gets signed in triplicate and passed up the bureaucratic ladder like the good dog I am."
Hesitant, Shining Armor handed off the scroll. Pappy casually tossed it onto one of the many open boxes, where it settled in next to a series of other scrolls and parchments. Without missing a beat, he pulled a marker out from somewhere Shining didn't see and drew a large black circle on one side. With that done, the general tossed the marker too, where it landed with a clatter somewhere behind Box Towers Five and Seven. Shining Armor winced. That looked like an expensive marker.
"One of these days, my boy. I swear, one of these days, I'll do away with all this paperwork nonsense! In its place, we'll go back to stone and chisel!" Three resounding laughs pierced the air. "We'll end up eating through the entire mountain before the weekend!"
"Th-that's, er...very inspired, sir."
"Ah, stop it, you're practically a rock yourself! Didn't I tell you to loosen up?"
"Yes, sir—"
Oh wait. That had been a command.
With a long moment to think, during which Pappy gave him a stern stare-down, Shining Armor allowed himself to relax. Not completely, no way — just enough to feel his shoulders drop and his neck to lean forward, releasing the strain of standing straight. He saw Pappy subtly nod in approval.
Well, okay. Let's tear off this bandage. Shining Armor looked at the other stallion square in the eye. "I apologize for my behavior yesterday, sir. It was unbecoming of me, even if I didn't know who you were."
To his shock, Pappy waved that off, too. "Bah! If I wanted you to know anything, I'd have made it easy on ya!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Eh heh! You gave an old pony something to do during the train ride! Something far more engaging than a tactics meeting inside a giant metal death-trap, that's for sure. It was only a matter of time before Carrot Cake collected me, of course, but I'm grateful for the distraction." Pappy stepped forward and clapped Shining on his back. The impact stung something fierce. "For that matter, I should apologize for putting you through all that! I bet seeing me in uniform made the rest of the night pretty rough, eh?"
"That's...one way of putting it, yes."
"Hope you didn't lose sleep over this little prank, my boy."
On cue, Shining felt the urge to yawn. He wisely stomped all over that urge.
Pappy spared a moment to look around his new office, shaking his head at the state of things. It was then that he noticed the faded tan bags resting at Shining's hooves. "Oh, there it is!"
"Ah! Yes." Shining Armor wrapped the saddlebags in his telekinesis, then passed them along. Pappy fed his foreleg through one of the open straps. "I assume this is yours? It was left above my seat yesterday."
"I'm glad you found it! This holds some important stuff." Pappy nosed the main pocket open and glanced inside.
Shining didn't admit it, but he was expecting a sharp odor of spoiled food to escape the bag and was somewhat disappointed when none came. "I made sure to keep it secured, sir. Nobody has opened it before now."
"Heh, not like these would do you any good." With a steady spin, Pappy upended the bag over one of the nearby boxes. A selection of folders and clipboards slid out, neatly arranged and still looking new. "I could've used these at that meeting, but...well, what's done is done, yeah? At least I'm not set too far behind. Do you know what these are, son?"
Shining Armor stole a glance at some of the paperwork. He couldn't see any distinguishing words, but he did see some photos of ponies he didn't recognize. There were also big red stamps of CONFIDENTIAL set in the corners of several papers. Okay, so maybe one distinguishing word. "No, sir."
"Pegasus dossiers. Some soldiers and Republic Alchemists that spend their whole lives in the clouds. Still, they're good eggs, so they're being transferred to my command. Like I'm supposed to know what's best for a bunch of featherheads!" Pappy shook his head again, this time at the contents of his bag. "At least we're using the good paper for this nonsense instead of these damnable scrolls."
Experience with his sister had taught Shining that it was generally a bad idea to interrupt somepony mid-rant. He waited patiently for Pappy to lose steam. As the seconds ticked by, he gazed about the cluttered room again, not really seeing anything amid the mess. He was watching a carpet beetle retreat into the floors by the time the officer finally ran short of breath. With the grace he was trained for, he returned his gaze forward just in time to catch a question.
"You said you were here to become a guard, yes? Looking to serve the Republic?"
"Yes, sir," he replied. Shining noticed once again that Pappy's eyes were much sharper than his smile let on. Perks of being a leader, perhaps.
"To what end?"
"I wish to lead a squad of my own some day."
"Oh yes?" Pappy's smile returned with vigor. "Captain Shining Armor? Eh heh, that has a nice ring to it!"
"That's the plan..." Shining Armor paused. Something wasn't right. "Uh, pardon me sir, but...ahh..."
Almost like he expected this, Pappy casually reached into one of the boxes - the one with the fresh circle on the side - and pulled out another file. This one was much lighter than the ones from his bag, and also had Shining's name on it.
Pappy answered the question before it was asked. "I took the time to learn your name, my boy. Don't act so shocked. It's my job to know more than you!"
Suddenly all the anxiety from earlier came rushing back. He swore the paint on the walls was now giving off a sweltering heat. Maybe he could duck under the carpet like the beetle? Or hey, if Twilight could burn a hole in it...
"After we parted ways yesterday, I looked into your file. Color me impressed! If you truly aspire to lead your own squad, then I think you're well on your way, son. I wish I had a soldier like you in my ranks."
Were the walls closing in? Oh, nevermind, the towers of boxes were growing larger. Much better. Maybe he would get lucky and have them topple over him. Death by box tower suddenly appealed to Shining Armor - anything to avoid hearing what he knew Pappy was going to say.
"Though that does put you at a disadvantage, doesn't it? Ah! You don't know my name yet, do you?" He gave a curt nod. "Like I said earlier, Pappy'll do just fine, but if you see anything signed by one Poppy Seed? That's me."
Poppy Seed? Uncle to Carrot Cake? Am I in the bakery back home, now? Is this an oven nightmare?
With an innocent smile and those too-sharp eyes, Pappy threw the file down with a satisfying smack. "Hope you haven't unpacked yet, recruit! Get ready to swap bunks, because I'm your new C.O."
Shining felt a twitch at the base of his horn. Someone, please, just send me to the sun.
New orders. On the first day back. He hadn't even returned to his duty, and he was already set with new orders. Reassignment! The nerve of that general, making a decision like this! Surely there had to be something to fight this, right? Something hidden in the chain of command? Though the fact that it was a brigadier general made the chain more like a carabiner. One of those specially-made, Pega-Rescue ones that could support a bison.
"Ugh."
"Hm?"
"Tired."
Shining Armor had left the stuffy office only a half-hour ago. The heat of the sun was barely better outside than in. He had put the Administration Building behind him without looking back, fleeing from the nuthouse if he were honest. Nothing about the last two days had been good for his mood.
Well...if he were, again, honest, then that wasn't true. There were two things that made him smile. The first was the sight of his sister waving after him as his train left the countryside. The second was walking next to him.
Still... "Very tired."
To his left and setting their pace, a bubblegum-pink pegasus mare gave a mirthful giggle. "Sorry! I know I should have waited for tonight, but I was just too anxious!"
"Don't talk to me about anxiety, Cadance. Just don't. Please?"
She was a noble. That alone was rare for a pegasus, since Canterlot was largely populated by the unicorn elite. But more than that, she was the envy of nearly every mare in the city. Cadance, as she preferred to be called, was every inch a Canterlot ten, and she maintained her grace and stature without any actual lineage to speak of. She had been adopted by the Princess when she was still a filly, and cultured to exemplify the absolute best of the realm. All without access to magic.
Some rumors still crept around that the Princess had taken her in as part of a challenge or dare. Some other nay-sayers swear that the whole thing was a ploy for some dastardly plot. A few would claim, between pints of drink, that Cadance herself was the real royalty, while Luna was a figurehead being strung along. Baseless conjecture, the whole of them. Shining Armor knew better.
What he didn't know was why she had taken an interest in him. By rights, she was totally out of his league. But he had stopped questioning it a long time ago.
"Aww," she crooned. It was surely a mock, yet she said it in a way that left him wondering. "The poor soldier is sleepy. He's been away on too many missions of grave import. Should we stop at a hotel and let the weary warrior rest his heavy head?"
He hid a smirk beneath a foreleg. "Only if I can use your wings for a blanket."
With another giggle, Cadance gently placed her wing over his withers and pulled. Their shoulders touched, and soon their muzzles did too.
"I missed you," she whispered.
"I missed you too."
This was the best part about returning to Canterlot. His lifelong dream of serving as a guard was well and good, but having a marefriend like Cadance? Few things in existence could compare. Anything that did would quickly be overshadowed. They had only been together for a year, but he was certain that she was all he needed. Some day soon, he would work up the courage to tell his family about her.
The moment of tenderness passed, and they resumed walking. This part of Canterlot was always busy but rarely crowded, so they made good time in their journey to nowhere. Other guards and soldiers nodded in greeting, many of them also looking at Cadance with an odd expression. Normally, civilians would never have been allowed so far in this part of the city, but she was the exception. Being the adopted niece of the monarch carried more privileges than could be counted.
Shining Armor finally got his oversized sandwich by the time noon rolled around. During lunch, he told Cadance all about his visit to Ponyville, saving the story with Twilight's alchemy for last. She reacted at all the right moments, even going so far as to question him about alchemy as well. To his embarrassment, he had to admit that he knew nothing about it.
It was just past two in the afternoon when he told her what had happened that morning. They were headed back to the barracks to collect his luggage by the time he finished. "Reassignment?" she asked.
"Means I'm being taken out of my troop and placed in another. Pap— uh, the brigadier general wants to personally oversee my progress. It's a nightmare."
Cadance casually stepped around some loose stone. "It can't be that bad. You're not off the career path, are you?"
Shining Armor scoffed, half-annoyed and half-relieved. "No, thank goodness. I'm still gonna be able to work toward my dream. I just have to do it with an entirely new commanding officer. A senior staff member, of all ponies." He turned to Cadance, an idea striking him. "Is that allowed? Can generals even do that?"
"Ponies take on apprentices all the time, dear. In your case, it's...definitely unusual, but not unheard of."
He groaned and turned his head forward. "So there's a history of it? Rats. Anything you can do, then?"
With a gasp, Cadance stopped and swatted his side with her wing. "Shining Armor! Are you suggesting I use my status to get you out of a situation you don't like?"
A grin broke out in spite of his fatigue. "Well, I wasn't gonna say it like that, but..."
Whap. The pegasus had turned to face him fully and added her other wing to the mix. The resulting blast of air completely mussed his mane. "The nerve!" she said. "To imply that I would attempt to undermine control of our realm's leadership just to get you out of a jam!"
The grin grew wider. Shining Armor looked directly into his marefriend's eyes. "You could always ask the Princess for a favor. That wouldn't be undermining anyone - that'd be coming from the top!"
Whap whap! His mane was well and truly tangled now.
"You're terrible today!" she chided.
"One of us has to be."
"Oh!" She huffed and turned away, stiffly walking down the path without waiting for him. Shining laughed, and it felt so much better than before. He didn't even notice the heat of the sun anymore.
Barely a minute later, after he had caught up with her, she spoke up again. "Is it really that bad, Shining Armor?"
Shining took a moment to both fix his mane and to seriously consider the question. "Probably not," he admitted. "I bet I'm just letting the trip and the lack of sleep get to me. I don't even know this guy, you know? He's just some old pony I met on the train."
Cadance gave a smirk of her own. "An old pony who is an officer, and one you probably insulted."
"And one who has casually poached me from my troop," he added. "To be fair, I don't know a thing about him...besides his cruel sense of humor. With any luck, that's not all he has to give."
A few seconds passed before Cadance draped her wing over his shoulders again. "I'll talk with my aunt about it. I can't promise to undo Mister Seed's decision, but maybe I can find something out about him for you."
They stopped a second time. Shining Armor let his shoulder brush against her own. "You don't have to, Cadance."
To his surprise, he felt her squeeze him with her wing. It was more than a hug; she was trying to make a point. "I know that. But if he's accidentally doing something to stop you from carrying on your father's work, then I'd like to help. That's the whole reason you're here, after all. Nopony should keep you from that."
Yeah. Dad.
Shining Armor hesitated, then smiled at her. She had a small blush that made her pink coat turn dark, and she gave the tiniest of squeaks when he wrapped his foreleg behind her neck and pulled them even closer.
"Hey," he murmured, "don't sell yourself short. I'm here for more than just my dad now, remember? A year ago, I met a nice little featherhead with a great personality. She doesn't look too bad, either, and she's got a rich aunt. She seems to like me for some reason, and I'll stay as long as it takes to figure out why."
Finally, as though he had just broken her down, Cadance laughed. It wasn't just the classy chuckles from before, but rather a joyful expression caused from so much ridiculousness. Her laughter rang out across the yard, drawing the attention of several soldiers leaving the commissary. Seeing their reactions only made her laugh a little longer, and by the time she was done, she had to wipe away tears.
For good measure, she shoved him out from under her wing and tucked it back to her side. "Can't believe I missed you," she muttered behind a smile.
Shining Armor swooped back in and planted a kiss on her cheek. He felt the warmth of her blush.
"Fine!" she said after a moment to recover. "Fine. If you insist, Shining Armor, I'll be your anchor. I suppose I can take at least this much pity on a tired little guard."
Shining pulled back and grinned. "Thank goodness. I kind of like it here."
They parted ways shortly after. Cadance started on the path back to the palace and to her aunt, leaving Shining Armor to re-pack some essentials and prepare to haul it to some entirely different barracks. As it happened, many of the soldiers-in-training were already told of the change, and gave him varying degrees of praise. Many of them thought it was a good thing to have a brigadier general in their corner, and many more tried to ask Shining Armor for favors. Shining used that to his advantage, and he walked comfortably while some other off-duty soldiers carried his saddlebags for him.
After going through some paperwork and meeting some new faces, Shining Armor settled in to a new space that, of course, looked exactly like his old bunk. The ponies already there - another unicorn like him, two pegasi, and an earth pony - all gave him odd stares. He knew he was, once again, the new guy, just as he had been when he had enlisted. But that was okay; just like last time, he would earn his place and win their respect. It's what worked for his dad, and it's worked for him just as well.
As he moved to get his belongings squared away, he kept mulling over the last day and a half. The train ride had left him irritable, and the whole business with Pappy was something he'd just have to accept. But he knew, after all was said and done, that his ultimate goal was unaffected. He could still push himself toward his dreams, as long as his new commanding officer didn't do anything to interfere with it. Knowing his luck, something would happen anyway, but he figured he could take whatever it would be in stride. Pappy seemed nice enough, anyway. If anything bad happened, he was certain he could handle it.
Or so he thought at the time.
Why doesn't this story have a dark tag?
7002628 Should it? The most that's happened is a bad guy getting PG-13'd to death. And the Gore tag is likely to encompass the bloodier scenes that are soon to come. I dunno, Dark seems like something down the line, and not something I've outlined for yet.
Awesome new chapter Leo!
All right. I'm sorry to say this but, just with your description you've lost my interest. Mostly because of me though. I'm sure its a great fic and a really good read, but for me? no. I just don't like stories that tell the plot of another show just with slight changes and redone but with ponies. Like i said before though, I'm pretty sure its a good story, its just not for me.
well this is a good story, well written as far as i can tell.
I have to admit, I am unfamiliar with either the manga or anime upon which this fic is based. That being said, it's well written, the action scenes are well done and the dialogue between characters is believable. But that leads to my first gripe: The characters themselves. First, what's up with Twilight? She seems to flip-flop between the nerdy bookwork that we know from the show, and an arrogant hotshot more in line with Rainbow Dash's inshow character. Also, I get the feeling that there's something sinister going on with Luna, and where's Celestia in all this? This is probably due to my general unfamiliarity with Fullmetal Alchemist and it's characters and story, but it's just weird not understanding what the H.E. double-hockey-sticks is going on with these ponies. I hope things become clearer as the story progresses, but as it now stands, I feel just a little bit adrift.
Good writing, could be a great story, but probably intended for a different audience than myself. 4 out of 5 stars for me.
Nice, well written! I'm no professional, but I think the way it's written and described is very nice.
7016051 These are some good things to ponder. It's early days yet, but my ultimate goal is use alchemy and magic symbiotically in order to fill the gaps that magic in MLP leaves. I can't account for all the contrivances, but enough to help explain and reiterate certain abilities in MLP. Of course, this extends beyond just unicorn magic, but it's certainly the focus of it.
Unicorn master raceIn canon? I never thought about it, to be honest. Alphonse was plenty fast at drawing transmutation circles (a palm-sized array in barely a second), and by the time he opened the Portal he didn't need to draw at all. As for here, I intend to give Shining Armor little to no knowledge of alchemy. Shining Armor is not Alphonse, after all, just as Twilight Sparkle is not Edward. Instead, Twi' and Shine will support each other in their own ways. That's there the lines "the scientist and the soldier" comes in.
Yeah, I have a running problem with this. I'm now supplementing the chapters with artwork and images via linked text, but I confess the first several segments lack such detail. There are revisions coming down the line which will correct these.
In this case, it was an issue of trying to capture Twilight as she was in season one's pilot episode and imagining her as mentally capable as Edward was. It was a strong mix, but not a very stable one. Oops.
7016098 You got it! Considering the sheer presence that King Bradley commanded and the social ineptitude we saw in Luna during season two, it just seemed fitting to incorporate both in her introduction. As for the ellipses, you're again correct: pauses and thoughts trailing off into silence. I tend to use them interchangeably with semicolons and em dashes (the latter of which I really need to make a proper habit of!).
All said, thanks for pointing these out. My first round of revisions is starting soon, now that I have a direction I want to take. The more inconsistencies made known, the better I'll feel. At least I can stay busy this way~
Cleverly integrated.
Stating this now, I have no prior experience with Full Metal Alchemist. I have, however, thus far enjoyed this story, Pappy turning out to be a Brigadier General was especially amusing, and am quite happy your collaborator shared this with me. I am looking forward to more.
Interesting story so far. Huge Fullmetal Alchemist fan, so keep it up.
7059451 Thanks for your suggestion. As it happens, a change to the story description will be made alongside the first round of revisions (based on feedback from my editor) to help with any misinterpretations that I have made. Those revisions will be coming down the line after the backstory is wrapped up, at which point I'll have a better idea on which direction the tale will take. Much better than going with this broad mish-mash of a summary I've got now.
Shilling your story over PM makes me hate it from the start. Also, SFM ponies make me want to die.
Also also, the story was ok but I downvoted because DON'T ADVERTISE OVER PM YOU FUCKS. I had my hopes up for something fun/intelligent/not dumb.
As a celebration thing for hundred followers!
7074227 I think I'm missing something. You think the story was okay, but you downvoted it anyway? You think it's okay, yet you call it dumb? If your logic works like this, then I can't accept your view that the story is dumb. Especially if you are so prideful to dislike something because you were asked to view it, not because it's actually bad.
TwiBest is the one who would have contacted you, and I stand by him on that. He obviously thought you would be interested in our efforts, and since you admit the story was okay, he was obviously right to a degree. If you truly dislike receiving private messages, find a way to turn them off. Failing that, just reply back in PM instead of bringing misplaced pride where it's not deserved.
Since you mention SFM ponies, I should note that the SFM models are the best way I know of to both show new characters and updated models while still paying stylistic tribute to Agrodaemon. It's not like the story is made with SFM. That is beyond my skill - I'm not an animator.
All this only tells me that you literally judged the story by its cover. If that's the way you treat stories, then clearly we were mistaken about you, and we don't need your negativity stuffing up the place. Take care, and kindly open a window on your way out.
7074372 Ha! Thanks dude! I'm still a little surprised, to be honest.
7074831
7074831 Well that went well(Sarcasm).
7074227 personally, i prefer getting stories PMed instead of someone on the main page posting a link to their story. leaves less clutter on the board and it shows a story that people are actually working on instead of a story that dies off and sits forever unresolved.
7076027 Preferences are weird like that.
7075503 It would have been a bonus if after Cadance had admitted to missing Shining, if he had responded with something like, "I missed you too, Cadance. You are the reason why I live to protect and serve. My family is another reason why I protect and serve. And the ponies whom I've never met, yet live decent lives are also a reason why I protect and serve. You're the best thing to come into my life and I love you, with a heart that is sincere and true."
One thing that I don't understand is: Why would unicorns utilize alchemy when they can use magic instead? I could see the mud-wallowers and the featherbrains, but whyn would the unicorns ever wish to use alchemy when they could use magic instead?
I could see Twilight wanting to explore it, since it is a topic she has yet to fully understand and her innate drive for knowledge acquisition would compel her to research, study, and explore this new realm of information, but I just can't see why other unicorns would want to use alchemy when they have magic. I just can't make sense of any motivational factors whatsoever, to explain unicorns using alchemy instead of their magical ability(ies).
7081848
Wow, Shining sure does like to protect and serve. He's every career cop's role model! (Seriously though that was hammy and hilarious and I love it.)
I plan on fully explaining this soon, but the general idea is that of all the things magic can do, creation and alteration are not possible. And I realize this is the opposite of what the show (MLP)...well, shows us, despite my opinion that it's more summoning and illusion than the former two. While alchemy in FMA is shown to not be capable of creation - except for wielders of a Philosopher's Stone - its main benefit is re-creation in the physical world. In the same vein as Twilight earning her wings in season three, alchemy could in theory produce a similar result. So, unicorns can pursue the art of alchemy to attain what regular magic cannot give.
In other words: There's something awesome about natural fire as opposed to magical fire. Alchemy and magic can benefit each other. And, another point, MLP clearly shows a physical strain on unicorns when they become magically exhausted. Their body uses its own stamina in order to cast and conjure. FMA, however, refers to forces of the planet (tectonic plates) and spiritual chi to channel energy, as opposed to putting the caster under any strain.
And yes...this is the short version of things.
In love this story, especially how this backstory of sorts is building up. It's very interesting and raises many questions which I have no doubt will be answered soon! This story has earned a fave from me and I hope to see it flourish! Keep up the good work!
Oh no, she's not Pride, is she?
Well, I'm liking it so far. You've managed an interesting fusion of two different worlds and I'll be happy to read more. I hope you can get back on your feet soon and I hope you will continue this story once you've done so.
7130134 No its not.
just read this story and I am hooked
7130134 Agh, sorry we missed this question! As TwiBest said, the map is not canon. It's designed based on a story called Where The World Ends (wtwefic.tumblr.com) and is a map best suited for this story, in my opinion. Given the choice between this map and the canon map, I prefer the one with greater potential. Plus it doesn't help that I spent a lot of my younger days drawing maps of fantastic places myself...
7130178 Aha, good guess, but no. As it stands, this character is totally her own. No ulterior motive or secret super powers to speak of. When she becomes an Alicorn is up for debate, though...
7311950 Glad you liked it! Twilight's changed personality is intentional, as this is an adaptation of two separate shows. I tried to find a good medium ground between them, while still giving her room to develop into this story, so the difference will be glaring but (I hope) still have merit.
It has been a while since the last update, I admit. A whole bunch of real-life stuff happened in close sequence that ultimately forced me to quit jobs and move across the country. I have resumed writing, though, so hopefully I'll be able to get the next chapter or two up soon.
7317527 And the story just hit 100 likes.
hmm not bad, do hope you try and keep them theme influenced by fullmetal alchemist, and not just a parody.
well written and deserving of a like.
I feel I'm required to read this
as long as it stays faithful to the manga and FMA Brotherhood and doesn't turn into a parody, this will turn into a really good story.
7376042 Don't worry, we won't. Though we are still going to incorporate some elements from the original FMA anime as well, for example the Homunculus have a bit more character development than in FMA: Brotherhood.
This video would explain a bit more about the two anime.
7375618 It's necessary to pass the State Certification Exam.
When's the next chapter coming out?
6994827 There you are!!
7394103 Thank you! It's nice to see someone who gets it!
6994827 I very much agree. The characters don't feel alive. I give the story an A for being semi-interesting but a C - for the characters lack of depth and such so far.
7394608 How is the next chapter coming along?
Good job with the story so far, its very well written if you ask me.
usualy these types of stories are, to me at least, a bit boring and predictable. this one though is... can i use the word original for describing Crossover fanfic?
eh, either way its unique enough to keep me, and hopefully everyone else, entertained and waiting for more, keep up the good work mate!
It's good, I guess... ... but I don't feel any emotional then blank.
7459723 Glad you enjoyed it! Lessee about getting you some answers...
They are. Whiteout and his team are based on Isaac McDougal, the Freezing Alchemist, who was introduced in the FMA Brotherhood anime's pilot episode. The only obvious connections are the use of freezing alchemy and a clear hatred for the leadership.
Yep, that's the plan! My goal is to use the rules of FMA with the world of MLP - and, more importantly, the story of Twilight Sparkle. That's what makes this an adaptation.
It's additional. In this vision, alchemy exists alongside magic in all its forms, allowing for a cooperative existence. I'm trying to form it as a method to "fill in the gaps" that magic leaves, such as that awful transformation into Alicorn status. That's just one thing that alchemy can help make possible. There are a lot more details to it, but that's a rough idea.
Fair point, and it's one I tried to tackle early on. In this particular storyline, I'm trying to have alchemy be the driving creative act in the world, whereas magic is the "spark" needed to power the transmutations. If alchemy is the fire, magic is the fuel. The remaining rules of alchemy are held over (Equivalent Exchange for example). In fact, magic's use has proven valuable is showing the strain on the alchemist's body. It's that cooperative existence I was going on about.
The story is okay but the characters need a bit of work... they're a bit stagnate.
I'm not really into anime, so I thought this was going to be a Full Metal Jacket parody, till I realized that it was a Full Metal Alchemist parody.
Oops.
Hey there. I finished going over the story. Took me about 6 hours. LOL. But I can honestly say that I didn't see any problems. Although I didn't expect the exposition of both Twi and Armor to be as long as they were. Then again, Twilight's was okay for it's length since she is the main character. I think Armor's intro could be a little shorter, though. I suggest trimming some dialog with Candence. Instead of a two-pony conversastion, you could have Shiny do some quick "self thoughts" about his and Caddy's relationship that's about 3-4 paragraphs long. But that's just my opinion.
Again, it's turning out to be a fine story. Keep it up. :)
PToN
Oh wow so far so good. I really like this. I hope you are working on some more that by the time I read all of this there will be new stuff =)
7470644 Good point! I'll add that into the revision notes. Thanks!
Well I went into it with a bit of doubt because I usually don't prefer crossover fanfics (also im a hypocrite because i tried doing a skyrim crossover) but i have to say it had a lot of good polish on it as well as good storytelling. Another pet peeve of mine is grammar and sentence structure but it seems to deliver on that as well so good job. I think the only reason I'd give this a 9/10 and not a 10/10 is because I'm probably missing a lot of contexual inferences from fullmetal alchemist, which I never watched, but that's my fault.
7476101 She is. At least, that's how I tried to portray her. I notice you're commenting from chapter 0.2, which only shows her for a moment - in 0.3, you'll see more of her and her authority at work. Still, if you think of ideas to better capture her as a leader, I'm open to suggestions. This is new territory to me as well.