No offense, but this chapter needs a little revising. There're a few grammatical errors, but the main problem is the fact that Spike doesn't say anything. If he's not going to bother contribute anything in this chapter, then what's the point in having him in the first place? (Again, not meaning any offense, just thought I'd just give a little advice.)
Honestly I am impressed that you took up the challenge to do such a crossover.
The biggest critique I have is that the world's are not explained, and she goes through them too quickly.
The reader has very little emotionally invested if the pacing is too quick, and the fact that we do not know the stories you are crossing over with makes it confusing as well.
It is a good attempt, but you need to add a bit more world building for each place she visits so we the readers can get more involved in the story.
You do not have to give us the entire worlds story...just enough so we can understand what is going on without having read it.
If done right then your readers will be curious enough to go and read that story on their own...especially if you make the characters intriguing enough here in the crossover.
Unfortunately Yemei does not even speak in this chapter, and the perfect chance to explain the story falls victim to one of many time skips.
No offense, but this chapter needs a little revising. There're a few grammatical errors, but the main problem is the fact that Spike doesn't say anything. If he's not going to bother contribute anything in this chapter, then what's the point in having him in the first place? (Again, not meaning any offense, just thought I'd just give a little advice.)
Not bad.
Honestly I am impressed that you took up the challenge to do such a crossover.
The biggest critique I have is that the world's are not explained, and she goes through them too quickly.
The reader has very little emotionally invested if the pacing is too quick, and the fact that we do not know the stories you are crossing over with makes it confusing as well.
It is a good attempt, but you need to add a bit more world building for each place she visits so we the readers can get more involved in the story.
You do not have to give us the entire worlds story...just enough so we can understand what is going on without having read it.
If done right then your readers will be curious enough to go and read that story on their own...especially if you make the characters intriguing enough here in the crossover.
Unfortunately Yemei does not even speak in this chapter, and the perfect chance to explain the story falls victim to one of many time skips.
"Most of it pornographic".