As the sun went down over the horizon, I see the last of the sunlight disappear. All that I can hear are a few cars driving, and the insects and animals making noises that can be heard from inside my house. I am at my desk doing some math homework that's due on the Friday of new week. Honestly, this math can be hard to understand. It's like taking calculus in college. I am in Discrete Math. This type of math can be very challenging to understand, but I've been successful in it.
I don't have any friends in school. However, the school that I'm in is somewhat good, although the teachers can be really vile and they hardly care about me wanting to have a good education.
My mom and dad hardly think about me. Ever since I was a kid, they hardly saw anything in me that they even cared about. I was like nobody to them. I suppose it is a bit explainable. My mom dropped out of high school, while my dad was able to graduate on time. At least he had some commitment in getting his high school diploma.
My father doesn't really think about my education either. He thinks it's a waste of time just being in school learning new things that could help a person out in the long run. He's.... I don't know. He's just messed up. Not to mention my dad is an alcoholic. One time he almost caused a huge accident on the interstate, because he was drinking WHILE driving. The police gave him about three years behind bars. Then he comes out like he is a brand new man. Yeah right, that was a complete lie for me.
Sometimes, they would just ignore me. Even when I have some hard times in school, they still wouldn't want to even help me with my problems. That's how a lot of teenagers at my high school feel about their parents. Good thing I'm one of the lucky few that has so far continued to pass the necessary classes to graduate high school.
I'm thinking of majoring in mathematics. Math is essential to be successful in life. Math comes into financial stuff; such as paying the bills for the house, buying food, construction, it’s basically used everywhere.
I turn my chair around to see that my alarm clock is showing 11:39 PM now. I seriously need to get some sleep to refresh myself for tomorrow morning.
As I change into my pajamas, I ponder the fact that I've been the one who's been paying for the cloths I wear during the day and night. My parents wouldn't care if I wore worn out cloths to go to sleep. I even bought the covers for my bed for me to be able to stay warm when it's cold. That's how bad my parents treat me. I have a job that helps me make money to buy the necessary things to keep me going. However, it’s not enjoyable.
I work at McDonald's. It's the only place that makes more business than the rest of the other establishments where I live, so it still helps me make money, I give it that much.
Sometimes I honestly just wish I could become something else. Not a human, but an animal.
On the Internet, I’ve read some theories about what happens when a person passes away from this world. Some theories point out people would just go to heaven or hell. But there was one theory that attracted my attention for quite awhile.
That theory was about reincarnation.
It's believed that when you die, you would be reborn into new form. Instead of being reborn as a human, you would be turned into an animal. I personally believe that reincarnation does exist. If it were true, I wouldn't mind leaving this world. My parents suck and my friends are hardly what I call "friends" for that matter.
Sure, education is important, but there are times where I wish I could just leave everything behind me and just enjoy being in a new life for myself. I think that's how a lot people feel now these days, wanting to escape from their everyday lives. Life can be unfair in many cases. Trust me, I've been there when it comes to getting my parents to actually look at me in the face. It never works in my favor.
Turning the light off, I get into my bed and wrap myself in my covers to keep me warm.
I just... want to have a different life for a change. I don't want to have to worry about what my parents may think of me. Simply put, I want to live in a different world.
If I can just come back as an animal, I would probably want to be a horse. Horses love to roam free in the wild, and they’re the most beautiful animals that I’ve seen. When I was a small child, during a field trip back in middle school, I saw a herd of horses. I loved every moment of it. It was something that I didn't forget after leaving junior high to go to high school. That memory is still strong in me, but that's just a dream that'll never come true. If it were possible, I think I'd be more than happy to leave this world for a world where there's nothing but peace and harmony. I wish that was true in this world, but it will NEVER be true, even when I'm old.
As I lay on my bed, I said one thing before falling asleep. "I wish I could become the animal that I have always wanted to become, and never have to think about being in a life where people see me as a shadow. God, please. I want to be happy for once in my life. Please..." I close my eyes and embrace the abyss of darkness.
Something feels strange. It didn't feel like I am in my bed anymore. Perhaps I may have fallen right out of the bed, and I am on the floor now. That rarely happens to me when falling asleep.
Leaves start to rustle around me. Getting on my feet, I can see more clearly to tell that I am in a rather dark forest. While my surroundings are quite foggy, I can still see a good distance from myself.
“Am I dreaming?” I tell myself. It feels rather odd, considering I never remember my dreams, most of the time.
Venturing off into the forest, it becomes clear to me that all the trees are dead. This place looks kind of creepy, for the most part. It reminds me of a movie I saw in the theater about two friends trying to find their way back to the car, but were suddenly killed by an unknown creature that lived in the forest.
As I proceed, I can hear faint voices residing deeper in the forest. The voices seem to be both feminine and masculine, indicating multiple voices. None of them sound angry, at least. I can not fully understand what they are saying, almost as if they are speaking in gibberish. It didn't sound like a language I have ever heard of.
Okay. If this is a dream, I should have already started to wake up by now.
Minutes start to feel like hours while trying to figure out how I can leave this forest. I'm scared, however. I've seen too many horror movies to even have any fear left in me.
I really should be starting to wake up at this rate. What's taking so long? So far, I'm still not finding any exit from this 'horrifying' forest that's not really scary. For kids, perhaps, but for me? Never.
I hear what sounds almost like weeping coming from my right. Turning my head, I notice a small pond just a few feet from where I am standing. Approaching the pond, I see that the water is pitch black. It's almost as if someone had dumped ink into the water. There is no sign of any ducks or any other wildlife swimming in it.
Kneeling down, I decide to put my hand in the water. I just hope I won’t regret doing this. It's just a dream. It's not like it's real or anything. However, I was starting to doubt my own thoughts.
Putting my hand in the water, I can feel pain coursing through it. The water is cold. Cold to where you could freeze to death in seconds. I jolt my hand out of the water to not have it freeze up.
“Phew. At least I was quick about it.”
I hear another sob.
It sounds like someone is in pain. It occurs to me that it is crying that I am hearing. Whatever, or whoever it is, is quite clearly in distress. Deciding to find the source of the wails, I get up on feet and wander around the pond.
I stop to notice a black figure that is lying on the ground. I am just about able to make out what it is. Strangely enough, it looks like a horse. However, this one horse seems to be... unique in its appearance.
Although it is black, its mane and tail are a blue-purplish color and are somehow flowing, as if the wind is propelling them, despite the lack of wind. Almost as if it is flowing magically. I notice it has some kind of marking on its flank; it looks like a splash of purple with what looks like a blue crescent moon on it. I can't see what it's eyes look like. They remain closed.
There is something else that is on the ground next to it, torn up armor. The color of what remains left of it is either blue or silver.
The horse doesn't pay any attention to me; it is still crying. Getting closer to it, I is what looks like bruises all over the horse. Who could do such a thing to an animal? Although this is just a dream, it isn't right to see such an animal be hurt this way.
I slowly walk towards it. I don't want to move too fast; otherwise it might try to run away from me. As I approach it, I notice that the horse has wings, and a horn! If I remember correctly, this would be an Alicorn horse. They are fictional creatures that an ancient civilization once thought to roam free in the world. I think it would be the Ancient Greeks who told of such a creature. Granted that, I remember they had pegasi as a more prominent figure, but I think the Alicorn is also part of Ancient Greek culture.
"Hey," I quietly say. The horse froze instantly. It opens its eyes to show them dilated upon me speaking to it, as it turn its head to look at me.
"It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you," I coo to it. It starts to shake, almost as if its thinking I am just lying to it to make it think I am going to hurt it more.
"W-who… who a-are you?"
It talks! Maybe introducing myself might make it easier to calm it down, I think. "My name is Ada. It would seem you are in my dream. What happened to you? You're injured." It looks down with a sad expression on its face.
"I… Some ponies killed me years ago. This is… where I live now. In… damnation." The horse sits upright. Ponies killed it? How's that even possible? Also, why would it mean that it is living in damnation?
"Wait, before I ask some other questions. What's your name?" The horse looks at me once again.
"My name is.... Nightmare Moon. I-I once lived in a world that is called Equuis, in the country known as Equestria. A.... a place where ponies live in peace and harmony." Nightmare Moon starts to sob once again, covering her face with her hooves.
I get closer to Nightmare and place my hand on her shoulder to comfort her. I can feel something in her. I don't how I am able to feel what she is feeling. There is nothing but pain and anger mixed together, just suffering in my dream.
"You don't need to cry anymore. I'm not leaving you here." I don't get a chance to even talk more due to her wrapping her arms around me, crying her eyeballs out. I sense more pain coming from within her.
I squirm to get an arm out to try and stroke her mane. It was a success. She starts to calm down a bit, which is good.
"W-why… do you care about me? I was once a demon that once tried to bring eternal darkness to Equestria! How can some..." She gives me a puzzled look, as if to figure out what I am.
"I'm a human, Nightmare Moon," I tell her.
"How can a human care about something that was created out of jealousy?!"
"I don't like seeing animals hurt like you are; no one deserves to suffer like this. I felt a lot of pain radiating off of you. I just want to help your plight." I reply.
"That's easier said than done. I'm forever ever trapped in this hellish place. I'll never get another chance to redeem myself from my.... from my past mistakes." She doesn't let go of me. Nightmare doesn't want me to leave her. Not that I would, I don't want her to think I would abandon her like she is of no importance to me.
"Maybe there's a way to escape this place," I say firmly, "Nothing's impossible. Are you able to get up?"
"N-No.... my body is hardly functioning to even stand on all hooves. You can't lift me up. I'm too heavy to even have somepony assist me." Her expression saddens more.
As I try to think of a way to get out of here, the water in front of us begins to swirl. Before our very eyes, the water starts glowing, changing its shade from a pitch black to a more calming blue. Foam starts bubbling to the top of the pond, forming entire sentences in a rather ominous fashion.
"Is this the animal you want to be reincarnated into?"
"Will you try to make things better for this poor soul?"
"The road ahead is far from over."
"Do you want to leave everything behind and start a new life in the where Nightmare Moon once lived in?"
"The choice remains for you to choose. We do not decide who gets this chance. You are the one who decides how you want to live your life, Ada."
It appears as if the writing isn't just a figment of my imagination, as Nightmare Moon sees the writing too. She isn't moving anymore. She is frozen in fear, her eyes frozen in place looking at the strange writing. Only I can decide whether I take her place.
She's committed crimes against her race in her world. Then again, she wants to have a second chance to redeem herself.
This is a difficult choice to make. Do I say 'no' or 'yes'? I don't want to leave her to suffer anymore.
I made my decision.
"I do."
"Your wish is granted, Ada. You will be turned into the creature that once tried to bring great pain to the ponies that inhabit the land in Equestria."
"You will not be a filly. You'll be a full grown mare."
"The adventures you will have will greatly change the way you look at life from a different perspective."
"Is there anything you wish to say before you enter Equestria, Ada?"
"I have nothing else to say." The world around me turns bright, as my vision is blinded before everything fades into nothingness.
"Ugh... My head. I don't feel so good." I groan. I can hardly move my body; I guess my wish came with a price. I try opening my eyes, but what felt like the sun's light causing me to shut my eyes tight like a drum. With all this, my temples are hurting.
I just wanted to help Nightmare Moon. I really hope I didn't develop the same physical injuries she had when I discovered her in my dream. If I'm really her now, would this also mean I would develop her personality, powers, and her memories? If that is the case, I would have to be careful in knowing how to get used to being an alicorn.
Suddenly, I no longer feel pain from both sides of my head.
Hopefully my eyes should get adjusted to the sun light. I open my eyes to notice that I am in a field. The field consists of flowers, grass, bunnies and butterflies. This place must've never been disturbed by anyone.
I inspect myself to notice that there are no signs of any physical injuries to my new body. It becomes apparent that I am wearing armor on my chest area, hooves, and I also have the helmet piece that Nightmare once had in her possession. I assume this is the armor I saw discarded next to Nightmare Moon.
It then dawns upon me that my dream really did come true! No more human me now! Haha. This feels so great to have earth behind me and to be welcomed to a whole new world that might be better off than earth.
No longer will I have to deal with parents that don't really appreciate who I am. I certainly don't feel sorry for them now. They took the wrong path in life. I shouldn't be thinking about them anymore, they mean nothing to me now.
Now I need to get on all hooves. It is difficult to know that I have to walk on all fours and not on my standard bipedal form. I have to balance myself to not fall on my side.
Of course, I am not a human anymore. I'm an equine horse now, with wings and a horn.
I need to know more about this place. Now, where would I go that would help strengthen my knowledge of this world? If this place was what Nightmare had described to me with a little information, then I need to find the best place to read about Equestria. This would of course be a library, assuming the inhabitants are civilized and advanced enough.
"You will find the knowledge that you seek in the Royal Sisters' Palace, but be warned. Danger lies ahead of you, Nightmare Moon."
The sudden voice made me jump a little. It seemed to have come from inside my head, as if a second mind was living inside me.
"Are you one of the voices that I met in my dream?"
"Yes, I am. However, you mustn't worry about who I am. You could say that I will merely watch over you. Should you go to the former place where Equestria's rulers once reigned, or will you decide to pick an alternate plan to learn about this world?"
"What other places can I go to?"
"You may enter Ponyville, but that is your decision, not mine."
"Why are you wanting to even help me? I understand that I made the decision to take Nightmare Moon's place to redeem herself, but why is that you want to assist me? I can handle this all by myself. Not like I'm a kid or anything."
"If that is what you wish, then I will remain silent during your time living in Equestria."
"Thanks. Now, please leave me in peace. I have much to learn of this world and its inhabitants."
"Verily."
Finally... at least that voice is gone. Why does it feel like I can sense something is about to end badly for me? Or is that just a coincidence?
Shrugging off the thought, I decide to see what it feels like to be in a different body. It is kind of hard to know that you have to rely on trying to keep your balance while walking on all fours. This really reminds me of how when a child is welcomed to the world. It has to learn how to walk, talk, blah blah blah. I think I get the picture.
While getting myself to understand the ways of walking, I am curious to learn how to fly with these wings. Extending them seems completely natural. Looking to my left and right, I can tell that I look very intimidating with my wings stretched out.
I wonder what my horn is capable of doing? I suppose that's where mostly all the power would be stored in an alicorn. Naturally, the same would apply in a regular unicorn. Since I'm an alicorn, I would be superior over the unicorn race though… or any other race of this world.
Perhaps I should go this village the voice had told me about before I told it to shut up to let me focus in understanding this place thoroughly. It is then I realize that there would be a slight problem when doing so.
In our brief encounter, Nightmare Moon had said that she was a villain that had once tried to take over Equestria. The outcome of me going to Ponyville would likely result in my form’s recognition, and then to further chaos. So how hard is it to go and visit a village that's full of ponies? First, I know they would be scared of me. Second, they'll problem try to call the police or whoever is in charge of protecting them from certain disaster. Finally, they would take me to their so-called leader or leaders to interrogate me.
This would complicate things far more than I had anticipated.
“She will strike you upon no sympathy. She will kill you for taking her away from her beloved sister.”
What the what? Did that voice just say that I was going to be killed by somepony of these lands? Why did this voice sound… stranger than the previous one? Perhaps I'll have contact with this anonymous pony later...
Why is it that I can sense something wrong right now? It feels like.... darkness is rising from the ground. I can feel the dark taint all around me.
Maybe I should leave this place, for now.
"it's believed that" - 'some believe' or 'I believe'. It's is too general, and implies a widespread belief meaning your protagonist is painted as rather ignorant.
Better. though technically NMM's eyes and cutie mark are turquoise.
6261048
Thank you.
Yeah, some people actually think her eyes are likely blue. Like, I've seen some images on Deviant Art where her eyes are likely blue, same would go with the crescent moon for her cutiemark.
Just like how people think how Vinyl's eyes are either red or magnate. There's still a debate rather what eye color she has.
6261071 it's a blue green thus turquiose. Heck the eyes is what gave some fans the theory that Chrysalis was actually Luna/Nightmare Moon trying a new trick.
6261096
You kidding me? Dang. I didn't even know about that. Man. There are some things that I don't even know about.
6261111 Personally disagree with it but was an interesting idea.
6261125
Yeah. I can understand that.
Mistakes:
1. It's 11:39 AM now.
You mean it's 11:39PM
2. If it were possible, I think I'd me more than happy to leave this world to make it to world where there's nothing but peace and harmony.
I think you mean "make it to the world" in that part.
3. Voices could be hard while walking deeper into the forest.
You misspelled "heard"
4. Why are you wanting to even help me?
I know that this is part of her speech, so I'm really worried if she said it like that. If not, shouldn't that be "Why are you helping me?" or "Why do you want to help me?"
You seem to take the criticism about the main character having a way too happy life to give up on it to heart and made some changes so that she would have a better reason for leaving it behind but without checking the rest of the story to make it consistent. Right after the dream about Nightmare Moon started there were contradictions all over the place in regards to the new beginning.
You kept the parts about her boyfriend and family.
I think the boyfriend part might be an acceptable mistake, but it contradicts the "friends that can hardly be considered friends" remark at the beginning. if he was an ex or someone she hasn't seen in a long time and has recently grown distant it would make more sense for that part. But the biggest contradiction is when she made her decision to become Nightmare Moon's reincarnation when she became briefly worried about her family and friends before deciding. Kind of a 180 for someone who didn't like the world anymore and have uncaring parents.
It looks like your editor didn't do that much editing besides helping you rewrite the character's personality. He should've made more effort in making sure that story stays consistent as well. Unless he did notice them and chose to ignore him. Anyway, I think that's it for the story criticism for now.
Personally, I think the change in Ada's personality is a bad idea because it seemed like you missed a good story point or minor drama dilemma where as Nightmare Moon she could've felt the dreams and nightmares of her family and friends worrying and then she has to learn dream walking powers to calm them down by explaining the situation... and, based on the last story's situation they would've been understanding except for the few that may want to come over but couldn't or set up some sort of deal where she talks to them occasionally on advice about life and stuff. Oh well, it's just some lost potential that's all.
6263804
Whelp, I fixed the mistakes.
Also, this story has potential in my eyes. You may not see it. But I see it.
You did good work with your rewriting!
The two big logical errors ('new life instead of loving family' and 'head directly to Ponyville instead of hiding and learn your power') are fixed. Not every author would do that.
I just hope that editing didn't destroy your plot line or something.
I'm eager to read the next chapter!
And yes, I also see the potential.
But there are still some small details you can improve:
Edit: Removed, because corrected and/or obsolete.
At last I recommend you to consider using the <hr> command (replace <and> with [and] ) to create an lingle line like below
instead of an number of 0's. Simply looks better. (For me. It's your choice.)
(If I'm exaggerating again just tell me and I'll stop (with correcting! Not with reading.))
6264853
Thanks for pointing those things out for me! I fixed the part where she has a loving family and boyfriend.
Oh! Those are multiple voices that she hears. It's not one voice talking to her.
And thanks for saying my story has Potential! It means a lot to me!
6264079
I'm just sad about the original route being gone now.
6265274
I understand. But everyone said that what was once in chapter one did not seem to fit correctly for the story. I mean, I wanted people to help me understand what had to be fixed to ensure the story would meet in the terms of what people like to read on here. Plus, I'm still working on the story with my friends.
I wasn't angry when I sent you that reply back to your comment on here. I'm trying to put out good decent stories for people to enjoy reading on here.
6265309
It's fine no need to worry about that it was just a comment explaining my feelings that's all. Just keep on writing the story the way you want.
I found some things in this rewrite:
You've used "hardly" in three of four sentences. This number of repetition should be reduced, as it disturbs the flow. Regarding actual content, the school being good and teachers being vile seems too contradictory to me. Also, by now Ada has the entirely cliché background of being completely unloved by family and friends. A bit of light makes this pool of darkness more believable to me.
Edit: Reading chapter 3, I see now where you are going with the unloved part. Changing it would impact the story later, but it remains a hard pill to swallow.