For many days, she has wasted hours staring at her reflection.
Martha reaches a foreleg to the mirror. She presses a hoof onto the the glass, onto the equine staring back at her. The eyes of the earth pony are the same as the eyes she had when she was a human - "a bright, clear green," as her ex-partner use to describe them (he was dramatic in speech and, unfortunately, dramatic in personality, which led to their split). Surprisingly, her mane is not the same color as the hair she use to possess - instead of a blonde, it is white, and not even her coat is blonde - that is a light tan. Would she have not minded being this as much, she wonders, if her mane and her coat were brighter colors? Would the pretty colors have somewhat distracted her from her thoughts, she wonders with bitter snort.
She pulls her hoof back, stunned at the noise she has made, then slowly places it back on the mirror, bowing her head. Even days after being converted, she has difficulty grasping that she is now longer Martha the Human.
She is Martha the... Now Pony.
Martha... Not a Human... a Now Pony...
Martha the Now Pony.
Martha the... Pony?
"Martha the pony," she murmurs. "Martha the Now Pony."
Ponification is necessary, she knows. Humans cannot survive the Barrier, she knows. Humans have to become ponies to survive. She knows.
But - and her stomach twists into a knot and a small part of her mind is screaming at her for being so selfish, because she doesn't feel grateful, she doesn't feel saved, she doesn't know how she feels. Uncertain? That seems to be the most fitting word. Uncertain. What she feels, and what she wishes not to feel but can't help but feel, is uncertain.
Martha traces her hoof over her reflection, then glances over at the clock on the wall. It's almost time for her to head out and see Kim.
Kim the Still Human.
Kim the Still Human with Martha the Now Pony.
Time to stop looking at the mirror, time to stop looking at herself, time to get ready to go. Perhaps being in her company will put her mind at ease. Perhaps Kim will know what to say, what to do.
Martha almost jumps when she hears her phone ringing from the kitchen counter. She dashes over to retrieve it, crashes into the chair reaching to the counter, falls to the ground with what she finds to be an embarrassingly childish "Ouch!". Furiously blushing, she gives her coat an involuntary shake, then attempts to pull herself back up to her hooves, only to end up falling flat onto her stomach. "Oof! Gr... I hate hooves," she grumbles. Again, the phone rings. Martha, with great effort, places the chair back up, and, again with great effort, pulls up onto the chair. She uses her mouth to pick up the phone from its holder and place it onto its side.
Maybe, Martha thinks as she attempts to dial the number that called her, she would worry less about her new life as a unicorn or a pegasus. Or even if she wasn't angst-ing any less than she is now, answering the damn phone certainly wouldn't be a trail. And so, being an earth pony, Martha suffers from the most mundane tasks, like trying to use this damn phone - why wouldn't her hooves just let her press the goddamn buttons -
And finally, she is able to reach to the person who called her - her brother, Dylan. Martha gives a satisfied sigh of relief, and is vaguely aware that a smile is creeping across her face.
The very first thing her brother says is, "You took long enough to answer."
Martha glares at the phone. Dylan, as though he has seen her reaction face-to-face, laughs. "Hey hey," he says, "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I know how it feels, being a fellow earth pony. Guess it makes sense for us both to be earth ponies, being twins and all." Dylan chuckles. "Ah, sorry for babbling. Anyway, sorry about that. You know I love ya, sis."
"I love you too, Dylan," Martha says, her voice soft.
"I haven't spoken to ya in what feels like forever!" Dylan says. "How've things been since you've gone pony?"
"Things have been okay, I guess." Again, Martha glances at the clock on the wall. Surprisingly, not so much time was wasted trying to answer the damn phone; she isn't running late. "I have to go really soon, but... I wanted to hear your voice before I left the apartment."
"Seein' Kim? So, are you two finally goin' out, or - "
"Shut up, Dylan." Martha's ears flatten.
"Aw come on! It's so obvious that you two have the hots for each other. Just ask each other out already, or something. Or are ya waiting until she becomes a pony too?"
"Dylan, I told you to shut up!"
"Fine," Dylan says. He gives a huff; Martha giggles at this. "So, how long have ya got into ya have to go?"
"Well, I should get going now, as much as I'd love to catch up with you on things. I'll call you later, though!"
"Don't ya mean you'll try to call me back?"
Martha scoffs. "Ha ha, very funny."
"But, in all seriousness, why don't ya ask somepony to help ya out with the whole pony thing, Martha?"
"I'll figure the whole pony thing out on my own," Martha says curtly. "I really have to go now. Goodbye, Dylan."
"Huh?" Martha can hear the confusion in Dylan's voice. "Martha, are you alright - "
Martha presses the off button. She hops (or rather falls) off the chair and heads for the door, pausing to wipe off the tears that are starting to spill from her eyes.
Perhaps she can solve... this... with Kim.
Perhaps...
Is there something wrong with my story? I understand that Conversion Bureau stories don't have the best of reputations, but perhaps there's something else I'm doing? Feedback would be very much appreciated.
Well written. Fix your formatting, you italicized the second half of the chapter!!!
There were 0 likes, 9 dislikes, and 0 comments when i wrote this comment.
This TCB story drew my attention by presenting converted humans as still retaining their mind. Is this how it normally is, or are newfoals supposed to be gormless thoughtless shadows of their former selves? I hope this fic answers that question for me.
Deadpan Snarker the Bored Human doesn't like Getting Accustomed To Hooves The Dreary Story. Is off now to The Pub Of The Cheap Beer to get loaded. See you Tomorrow That Is The 11th.
there's nothing really wrong with it people can just be very fickle sometimes
6190166
I fixed that - I apologize! I was in a... I forget what the proper word is, but I had this sudden burst of inspiration to publish my first chapter, and I just kinda put it out there before I went to see Jurassic World with friends
not as good as the original but the mOTHERFUCKING T-REX RETURNS FUCK YEAH, so that's why half of it was accidentally italicized. Whoops!To answer your question, the newfoals do retain their original human selves. However... Imagine being stripped from your body and placed into something foreign. You are you, but you don't feel you. This is how Martha feels, and her interactions with Kim will later make her feel further alienated.
I write through stream-of-consciousness so I have no idea how it's gonna go down but I guarantee stuff will go downalso welcomed to FiMfiction
6190166 Some TCB authors say that humans are "evil", so the potition turns us into smiling slaves who are but a shell of their former self. All of our "evil human instincts and emotions" are taken away, and we are forced to always be happy. Usually, these same authors still portray the ponies as being in the right. Fuck them.
6190198
Thank you, I feel very welcomed!
Eh, I'm sure there are things that could be improved. I don't mind if people dislike the story. I would just like to know what I could do to improve it. Hopefully the other chapters I write will be better.
6190152
Really, it's all just because of TCB. I've seen stories far worse than this get far better ratings.
The biggest problem I have so far is that this is just bland. Not much is happening; all we have is somepony fumbling about in her new body as the narrator explains her thoughts. You might be taking this somewhere good, but right now I'm not hooked.
6190152 Arguably the only genres more polarizing than TCB are HiE or AiE.
The story itself is not great, but it's not bad either. The underlying concept is sound (I mean, how would you process conversion to a completely alien species?) and your execution of it okay- you know your way around the language and seem to have a good feel for who your characters are, which is always a plus.
I think the problem, or at least my problem, is that Martha doesn't feel disconnected so much as bored and kinda sleepy, like maybe if she had a nap and a cookie she'd be alright. The scene where she's trying to verbally link her name, her symbolic self, with this apparent lie staring back at her in the mirror is really the only time she seems to be having trouble accepting her new reality.
Or not. I dunno, I'm really tired right now. Have a fave and an upvote.
Though I don't read these types of stories often, this one seems interesting enough to catch my attention. Please continue.
That might be contributing to why people dislike this, aside from the fact that it's a TCB story and so people dislike it right off the bat. Other than that, your story's alright.
so do the potions has glitches? Like ponies and humans who change still can't have children together or certain sickness evolving with bodies?
An interesting start, though as others have said the formatting is a bit wonky
Don't let the hate stop you, keep right on going
6190721
I haven't thought about that before. Huh... That would be an interesting concept to explore.
6192638 I seen there magic it backfire or doesn't go as planned like poison joke or it wears off... equastria has some mess up spells or species so glitches are not that hard mess with nature and it find away to balance itself.