Chapter III: The Crimson Heart
Twilight had gained her sea legs long ago, but her stomach churned as she bobbed up and down on the little boat. She couldn’t see anything, just hear excited voices around her and the distant cries of the townspeople. Her hands and feet were bound in thick ropes that chafed whenever she moved, which, thanks to the waves, was quite a lot. With the gag in her mouth, she could only breathe through her nose, making it hard to hyperventilate.
The boom of a nearby cannon made her jump in her seat, and several hands pushed her back down. One hand stayed on her shoulder, and a voice said, “Easy there, Miss Velvet. No point in jumping ship unless you can swim like an eel.”
Twilight tried to speak, but only managed muffled grunts. They really thought she was her mother. But that begged the question why were they looking for Twilight Velvet? She had been dead for a decade. Unless…
A great fluttering rose in Twilight’s heart. Could her mother have survived the storm? Could she be alive somewhere out there? But then why hadn’t she come home? And how were these pirates associated with her? All of the questions and the possibility that her mother might be alive made Twilight’s stomach squirm even more. She was almost glad she was gagged; it was good incitive to not throw up.
The boat bumped against something, and everyone around her began to move, rocking the boat even more. Hands grabbed her from all sides and hoisted her up none too gently. Twilight landed on damp wood, fresh with the scent of brine and rum. The rocking of the sea was less pronounced here, but she could still feel herself swaying.
Her blindfold was ripped off, and Twilight beheld the deck of the Crimson Heart through her smudged glasses. It was at least one hundred feet from where she sat to the bow, and twisting her head, another thirty feet to the aft. The width was equally impressive, measuring another fifty feet at least. It was all made up of polished dark red wood speckled with seawater that reflected in the moonlight. Cannons mounted the sides of the ship, crates of cannonballs next to each of them. Large barrels were tucked against the gun deck, flanking a door with skull and crossbones painted on it. Three masts towered over Twilight, the red sails currently rolled up.
Twilight’s kidnappers climbed onto the ship after her, just as the skull door opened up. The woman who walked out had dark blue hair with two lighter shades running throughout it. Her eyes were yellow and fierce, complementing the scowl on her face. She was dressed just how Twilight imagined pirates to look: black vest and leather boots, a puffy white shirt, and grey baggy pants. All that was missing was a hat. Instead, she had goggles sitting on her forehead.
She took one look at Twilight, and her eyes widened in outrage. “Who is this?” she said, low and lethal.
The short orange-haired pirate looked quizzically from Twilight to the other girl. “Umm, Twilight Velvet?”
“That’s not Twilight Velvet!” the girl yelled. She clapped a hand over her mouth, and fear washed out the fury in her eyes. When she spoke again, it was in her low, dangerous voice. “I gave you idiots a picture! How could you screw it up?”
Lemon crossed her arms. “Hey, to be fair, it was a black and white drawing. And she looks just like Twilight Velvet.”
“Ugghhh!” The girl ran a hand down her face. “I knew I should have gone with you idiots!” She snapped a finger toward Pony Bay. “Toss her overboard, go back, and find the real Twilight Velvet before—”
The door opened again, making a sharp squeal, and everyone around Twilight went rigid, the looks in their eyes matching the blue-haired girl’s. The very atmosphere around Twilight changed, tightening until it could be cut with a knife.
“Captain on deck!” a squeaky voice from on high yelled. From the shadows of the ship, several more bodies appeared and lined up behind Twilight. They all faced the door, and the figure stepping out of it.
A black cloak, utterly silent, drifted across the deck and stopped in front of Twilight. Their hood was up and cast a deep shadow, making it impossible to see inside. Twilight could still feel their eyes scouring over every inch of her, examining, weighing, judging. The hairs on her neck stood up, and ice dropped into her stomach. The cold was countered by a faint heat radiating from the cloaked figure.
The tension in the air drew to a snapping point when the figure drew a breath. “Indigo,” a raspy voice said from beneath the hood, “this isn’t Twilight Velvet.”
The blue-haired girl Twilight now knew to be Indigo took a tiny step forward. “I… I know, Captain. Lemon thought she had found Velvet but—”
“I asked you for Twilight Velvet!” the voice rose to a yell, becoming duel-toned in its infliction. “Not a child!” The cloak fluttered wildly for a moment before settling down.
If the goal had been to intimidate, the captain had succeeded. Everyone behind Twilight took a large step back and trembled. The cloak fluttered again, and something red and lightning fast shot out and snatched the gag from Twilight’s mouth. She gasped, both in shock and relief, and took several gulps of air.
“What is your name?” the voice rasped.
Twilight stared into the black abyss of the hood. Her heart drummed in her chest, and her mouth was painfully dry. The figure in front of her was a tower, standing a foot taller than the rest of the crew, and absolutely dominating over Twilight. The faint heat Twilight felt started to rise, driving away the cool sea air around them.
The pieces lined up in Twilight’s mind. If she was on the Crimson Heart, there was only one person who could be under the cloak. She was kneeling before the one and only Sunset Shimmer.
Twilight had been picked up and dropped into her fantasy books. This couldn’t be happening, but she had already proven to herself that she wasn’t dreaming.
She came out of her trance, remembering she had been asked a question. “M-my name is T-Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Velvet is my mother.” Behind her, she could hear the crew murmuring.
Indigo cleared her throat, and all instantly fell silent.
“Where is she?” Sunset hissed.
Twilight took a deep breath. “She’s dead.” Her heart sank as the words left her mouth. Of course her mother wasn’t secretly alive. It was a miracle Twilight survived the storm.
All that could be heard was the creaking of the ship against the gentle waves. Then came the shuffle of feet backing away. Twilight guessed she had given the wrong answer.
Only Indigo remained next to Twilight, but a layer of perspiration coated her face, and she had one hand near the sword at her side. “I-I know you’re disappointed, C-Captain, and I assure you, I will make sure my informant does not get away with this. B-but, I think—”
“Be silent, Indigo,” Sunset said, barely raising her voice.
“Aye, Ma’am.” Indigo quickly stepped back into line.
Sunset’s cloak paced the floor in short strides. Heavy boots could be heard from underneath. Her hood twisted and looked down at Twilight again, and a snort of fury issued from within. A growl followed, and Twilight noticed the temperature around her spiked again. Everyone behind her took another step back.
“Please,” Twilight said, wanting to do anything to break the tension, “what did you want my mother for? How did you know her?”
Sunset’s growl subsided, and the heat faded back to the dull warmth Twilight had originally felt. The silence lingered for a moment before Sunset said, “How good are you at translations and map reading?”
Twilight raised her bound hands to adjust her glasses. “Um, well, I’ve studied a lot of ancient culture and understand some basic rune writing. I’ve also taught myself the alphabet from the last age, even if no one speaks it, but there’s a lot of interesting books I was hoping to read someday written in old script. And my mother taught me everything about cartography. It’s actually my life’s dream to be a cartographer like she was, so I—”
“Silence!” Sunset shouted.
Twilight closed her mouth and shrunk down. She hadn’t meant to ramble on, it had all just spilt out; whether from nerves or from the chance to show off what she knew, she couldn’t say.
Sunset’s hood faced Indigo. “Weigh anchor and get us to open water before the navy shows up.”
Indigo nodded. “Aye, Captain.” She looked at the crew and jerked her head. “Well, you heard her, bilge rats! Let’s shove off!”
Everyone began to hustle and bustle, scurrying around the deck, heading below or up the masts, and preparing the rigging. Twilight twisted her head this way and that trying to follow everyone. Something red flashed in front of her eyes, and the ropes binding her hands and feet split apart.
“On your feet, Miss Sparkle,” Sunset said.
Twilight stood up, stumbling at the rocking of the ship, but quickly gaining her bearings. The ship began to turn, and she could see Pony Bay come into view on her right. She looked back to Sunset, cold realization sinking in again. “What are you going to do with me?”
Sunset turned toward the door. “That depends on what you can do for me. Come.”
Common sense told Twilight it would be unwise if Sunset had to repeat herself. Twilight hurried after her, keeping close to the hem of her cloak. The hall was cast in a dim light from the few lanterns that lined it. They walked around a set of stairs leading to the lower deck and entered through another door with an eight rayed sun split between red and gold painted on the door.
The captain’s quarters lay on the other side, well-lit and well-furnished. A round table sat in the middle atop a large purple carpet with intricate designs. To the left was a bed with perfectly folded sheets, and to the right was a writing desk with a stuffed bookcase accompanying it.
Twilight spun around to get a look at the whole room. She noticed the door frame was molded with pictures of little red chickens that were on fire. Leaning in closer, Twilight saw they were actually supposed to be phoenixes. Next to the door was a short wardrobe with jewelry and old photos on top.
“Sit down.”
Twilight jumped at Sunset’s sudden command. On the other side of the table, Sunset was seated in a tall armchair with armrests curved like thick talons. Her hood was still up, and gave Twilight the impression she was about to have an interview with the Grim Reaper.
When Twilight took her seat in the smaller chair across the table, Sunset produced a tattered parchment from within her cloak and tossed it onto the polished wood. “Start reading. The more you translate, the longer you’ll live.”
Twilight sucked in a warm breath to counter the chill that ran down her spine. Her shaky fingers reached for the paper, tending to it as gently as possible. She unraveled it and found a washed out map decorated with old writing and smudges of ink.
This is old. She inhaled the musty scent of preserved parchment from bygone eras. This is really old. Her mind slipped into cartographer mode, dismissing the reality that she was a prisoner to pirates. She started with the pictures, tracing a finger around the islands and sea currents. Drawing on her eidetic memory, Twilight went through the numerous sea charts she had studied, trying to find one similar to the map in front of her.
Her finger moved down to a smaller island, and circling the perimeter, Twilight recognized it as Pony Bay. The shape was a little different, but she recognized the coast and the Unicorn Horn. So this is the Equestrian Sea. Her eyes moved up to the two large land masses that divided the map almost in two. Which means this is the Fantasy Strait, she reasoned, looking at the narrow sea path that went between the lands. And this is the Everfree Sea.
She turned her attention to the writing, faded and smudged after who knew how many years. It certainly wasn’t modern script, Twilight knew that for sure. She turned the map to the side. Actually, she wasn’t sure what language it was.
“Well, can you read it or not?”
Twilight startled and stared at Sunset. Sweat gathered on her brow, and she fiddled with her glasses. “P-please, just give me a moment.”
Okay, right. Not doing this for fun. Life is at stake. Goosebumps rose on Twilight’s skin, and she bit back a hysterical giggle. I’m on a pirate ship being forced to translate a map and I might possibly die. At least I’m not bored. She took a shuddering breath, fighting the tears stinging her eyes. Next time, I should just wish for a pony.
She examined the script again, digging through her wealth of knowledge. Some of it looked like rune writing, and Twilight recognized the symbol for treasure: a diamond within a diamond. The rest of the script almost looked familiar, but Twilight couldn’t recall where she had seen them or what they meant.
Her eyes glanced to Sunset, though it was impossible to gauge her mood. Twilight bit her lip and desperately tried to remember anything about the markings.
“W-well, that means treasure,” Twilight said, pointing to the double diamond. “And it appears five times on the map, so there’s treasure in the Equestrian and Everfree Seas.”
“I know that already,” Sunset said, impatience creeping into her voice. “How do I get the treasure? What are the instructions?” She leaned forward. “Start giving me some answers, or you’ll be sleeping with the sharks.”
“R-right, yes, o-of course!” Beads of sweat rolled down Twilight’s nose. She wiped them off before they could drip onto the map. The last thing she wanted to do before she died was damage an ancient artifact.
Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. I’m not going to die here. Shining’s going to get my message and rescue me. I just have to survive until then. Come on, I’ve seen these before! Where have I seen them before? She opened her eyes and stared at the words again, focusing on each character one at a time.
Hmm, this one almost looks like the ‘ah’ sound, only it’s… She blinked and looked through the characters again, her mouth dropping open in delight. “It’s backwards!” she cried.
“What?”
Twilight jumped up from her chair. “It’s backwards! It’s Sea Script written backwards, that’s why it was so weird!”
Sunset stood as well. “So you can read it?”
Twilight poured over the map. “Some of it, yes. But Sea Script is really, really old and went through a lot of changes while it was being used. I haven’t memorized all of the characters and patterns yet. It’d be easier if I had a reference guide.”
“And where could you get a reference guide?”
“The library at Hollow Shoals probably has one,” Twilight said offhandedly, still reading the parts of the map she could decipher.
“Then I suppose that’s where we’re heading next. Congratulations, Miss Sparkle, you’re our new cartographer and translator.”
Twilight looked up from the map, eyes wide. “But… I—”
“Can’t finish reading the map without the book.” A red hand appeared from Sunset’s cloak and dragged the map off the table and into the folds. “The deal is you translate the entire map. Then, we’ll drop you off at the closest island. Is that understood, Miss Sparkle?”
Twilight bit down on her lip. It wasn’t like she had a choice; she had nothing to barter with. Sunset held all of the cards. It was either agree with her and live, or say no and be tossed overboard.
But, just because she had no bargaining power didn’t mean she couldn’t ask questions.
“What’s the treasure?” Twilight asked, recalling the five treasure marks.
“None of your business,” Sunset said evenly.
Twilight sat up straight, feeling a sudden bravery. “I’m going to find out if I read the map. Wouldn’t it be easier to tell me?”
Sunset fell silent. Her cloak moved up and down with her light breathing. “Have you heard of Neptune’s Blessing?” she said softly.
“Yes.” Twilight nodded. “It’s an old legend. ‘He who is granted Neptune’s Blessing shall have their heart’s desire granted and be crowned King of the Seas.’ It began about five-hundred years ago when people began to stop worshipping the sea gods. The believers thought it was Neptune’s last magic relic he granted humanity before he perished, or in some readings, returned to the land of the gods. Historians think it’s some kind of jewel used in worship that was lost—”
“I didn’t ask for exposition,” Sunset said. The inclination of her voice never changed, but it was commanding all the same.
Twilight took a seat again and hunched her shoulders. “Sorry,” she said, her cheeks burning.
Sunset turned and faced the window looking out to the complete darkness of the sea and sky. “This map will lead me to Neptune’s Blessing. If the legends are true, then it will grant the owner a wish.”
“You want to wish to become human again?” Twilight blurted out. She clapped her hands over her mouth.
Sunset looked over her shoulder. “How do you know what I am underneath this robe?” She didn’t sound angry, more tired, and genuinely curious.
Twilight swallowed the nervous lump in her throat. “I know all about the legend of the Crimson Heart and you, Sunset Shimmer. Though I guess they really aren’t legends, are they?”
Something that almost sounded like a small laugh came from Sunset. “You’re a learned girl, Miss Sparkle. Yes, all of the legends about my ship and I are true. My greed and violence turned me into a monster.” She sighed deeply. “And my crew paid the price.”
“I’m sorry.”
Sunset fully turned back to Twilight. “Showing sympathy for your captor?”
Twilight looked down at her hands. “Well… it’s just, I know what it’s like to lose people you care about. Good or bad, I’m still sorry for your loss.”
“Hmph.” Sunset swept a sleeve through the air. “Don’t expect any sympathy aboard my ship, Sparkle. The world is a harsh place; better you learn that now.” She waved her sleeve again. “But we’re far off course. I offered you a deal, Miss Sparkle: either work for me, or I gut you like a fish. What say you?”
Twilight fiddled with her fingers and sighed. “I really don’t have a choice, do I?”
“There’s always a choice. But I expect you’ll pick the right one.”
“Fine. I’ll translate the map.” Twilight paused, then asked, “That’s why you were looking for my mother, right?”
“You ask a lot of questions.”
“I like to know things.”
Sunset snorted. “Yes. That’s why we were looking for Twilight Velvet. One of Indigo’s informants told her Velvet was one of the best cartographers on the sea. What he failed to mention was that she was dead.” She crossed her arms. “I suppose it’s a stroke of good fortune that her daughter takes after her.”
Twilight blushed again. Being likened to her mother was always a compliment, even when coming from a pirate.
“Now, our deal has been made. Go find Indigo. She’ll show you to a cabin and afterwards, send her to me. And don’t worry, none of the crew is to touch you… for now.”
Another chill ran down Twilight’s spine. When Sunset said nothing else, she got up from her chair and turned for the door. She put a hand on the knob, then lingered as a thought came over her.
“Umm…” She looked back to Sunset. “Do you always wear that cloak?”
Sunset was silent for a moment. “You ask a lot of questions,” she said again.
This time, Twilight wasn’t sure how to respond.
Sunset walked around the table, drifting closer to Twilight. Even while standing, Sunset loomed over Twilight, her mere presence compelling Twilight to gain some distance. She gazed into the empty void of Sunset’s hood, wondering if her curiosity had gone too far.
“Do you want to see the monster under the cloak?” Sunset whispered. “Do you want to see if the entire fairytale about the demon captain is true? Is your curiosity that strong, Twilight Sparkle?”
Was she ready to see a monster? Against her better judgement, Twilight nodded.
“Very well.” Two red hands sporting only four claws each reached out from their sleeves and lifted the hood off. Her entire face was as red as her claws, like she had been perfectly sunburnt all over. Sharp fangs protruded from her mouth, and she had long, pointed ears that looked like they had a bite taken out of them. Her hair plumed upwards, red and gold, and billowing like actual fire. Upon her head sat a gold crown with a black star as the centerpiece.
Twilight stared into a set of teal eyes that held a deep store of exhaustion, despite whatever front Sunset was trying to put up. Realizing that she was staring, Twilight finally blinked and looked away.
Sunset blinked as well and cocked her head. “You didn’t scream,” she said curiously, “you didn’t even flinch.”
“Was I supposed to?”
“Well, that’s what I expect from everyone when they see me.” Sunset shook her head. She raised a hand and pressed it against her wild hair, and used her other hand to bring the hood back over it. It cast a shadow over her face, but Twilight could still see her eyes. “You’re an… interesting child, Miss Sparkle. Now get out of my sight.”
Deciding she had pushed her luck enough for one night, Twilight complied and left. The door slammed shut behind her. She made her way back outside, where several crew members were either adjusting the sails or cleaning the deck.
A rough hand grabbed her by the shoulder and swung her to the side, where she found herself staring at Indigo. “What are you doing wandering around?” she demanded.
“Umm, the captain told me to come find you. She said you’d show me a cabin? And she wanted to see you afterwards.”
Indigo grunted, but steered her back inside. This time, they went down the stairs and into a wide hallway lined with several doors. In the middle of the hall, a ladder was positioned, leading up to the main deck, or lower into the ship.
“All right, listen up,” Indigo said, stopping in front of the first door on the left. “Sunset may be the captain, but I’m in charge of things around here, got it? You do what I say, when I say it, and how I tell you to do it.”
Twilight flinched at the harsh tone of her voice but nodded.
The corners of Indigo’s mouth twitched. “Good. This is Lemon and Sugarcoat’s room. You’ll stay here. And I mean stay in here unless we need you for something. Someone will give you a meal eventually.” She leaned into Twilight’s face, eyes narrowed and jaw set. “And if you even think about trying to sabotage us, I’ll make you wish you were never born. I want that wish just as much as the captain does, savvy?”
Twilight nodded again. As soon as she was finished, Indigo opened the door and shoved her inside.
“Good.” She gave a feral smile. “Welcome to the Crimson Heart.”
She slammed the door, leaving Twilight alone in the room.
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Hm.... not bad.... still kinda sad it's not Space Pirates.
Okay, I can tell that this'll be like One Piece. I'm definitely Favoriting and liking this.
Oooh, finally! I know what I'm reading tonight/tomorrow morning!
hmmm. i love the ship (lol) but im not really into adventure on the high seas.
This is going to be fun.
7494565
You called?
7494593 Er..... kinda?
Set sail, me hearties!
Sobs and adds it to the stack to read.
Set sail and let us find the One Pie... I mean, Neptune's Blessing and become King... eh... Queen of pirates!
Arrr!
Off to a good start with the first three chapters. I can't wait to see where they'll go from here and how Sunset and Twilight shall develop. The ship was described very nicely and the crew definitely seems like pirates. It's great for another Sunset Shimmer story at last!
Sunset!
InflEction.
You are one in another world.
Right, I see why she wants it.
Your ship is iconic, she's smart, math done.
Much like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, she's monstrous outside and cold inside, needing a warm heart to thaw hers.
This is going to be awesome, I can already tell. Can't wait for more
this is great.
mmm good fic, I want more,
I fell like i'm watching a one piece this is awesome keep it up
wish I could make an original story like this all of your stories are amazing can you give me some advice on how you make stories if u can i'm always struggling writting fanfiction idky i'm even trying ro
write my first oc story and eventually a sunlight story but its really hard idky
That's it... Those chapters went by to fast...
Need more.
Once again you're off to a great start Albinocorn! I can't wait to read more!
Is it wrong of me wanting to go ahead and fave this without reading it?
Wait, you mentioned this was going to be a sort of mix between Beauty and the Beast, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Long Road to Friendship?
I know just how to celebrate!
They really need to make a EqG version of that second one.
7494565 or sky pirates
, but meh its fine as it is.
I hope stuff from treasure planet, El dorado, Altantis, and the other adventure stuff that Disney made would also be written.
Having just been reading the new 2nd edition of the 7th Sea, I already had swashbuckling adventure on the brain. This?
PUT IT IN MY EYES.
I can't wait for more.
Albino-senpai is back with another story!
data.whicdn.com/images/73058590/large.gif
Ooooo this is gonna be exciting! Better grab some popcorn!
This seemed appropriate[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i8ju_10NkGY]
Oh, wait wait wait... we need to start this off right
:
I hope Twilight knows the Pirates' Codes (and that its more guidelines than rules). Also, will there be a Cabin Fever dance number?
I see what you mean by this being kind of a combination between Beauty and the Beast and Pirates of the Caribbean. Especially with Sci-Twi and most (or all?) of the Crystal Prep gang. Interesting Captain demon Sunset. She's a demon, but sounds like the transformation changed her, maybe not for the worse?
Curious to see what'll happen when they reach their next destination. More looting or will Twilight manage to convince them to not be so violent.
Pirate Demon Sunset Shimmer with Bookworm Twilight on a Beauty/Beast story.
I haven't read this yet, but FAVED!!!!
I knew this story was coming but I was unprepared for a surprise attack. My fangirling fit has begun once more since you have returned to us. <3
I don't think you could have done a better Pirates of the Caribbean abd MLP crossover. This is just perfect.
Across the Shimmering Sea
Well, it’s been three chapters. I reviewed Sunlight after three chapters and earned both praise for an in depth critique by some and bloody vengeance by others. I love vampires. I love pirates. Yes, I have seen a published book with both and it looks awful. My notes stretch just over a page alone. We’ll see how long this one lasts. Sunlight was seven pages.
In short, I like it, but it is not without it’s fair share of problems. As we’re only just getting into the story, it’d be tough to say what may or may not be a problem later on. Sunlight was, I am sorry to say, laden with predictable tropes that made guessing where it was going easy. I’m not getting that feel this time. Let’s start from the top.
The first thing I noticed that may or may not be a problem is the strange sense of whimsy. It’s clear this is drawing from the romanticized versions of pirates which you can trace to Robert Stevenson. That alone isn’t bad, but this world is giving off a very strange vibe. One thing that irks me about rich, open worlds with their own lore is when they make a particular mistake: what can and cannot happen? This can sometimes be worded as what should or should not happen.
For instance, the town was attacked by pirates. A mediocre story would show no consequences of this action. A better one would have something. The best have clear, definitive correlations between cause and effect. I’m a little nervous because I really don’t want nothing to happen. They are very close to Canterlot, a supposed hub of naval activity after all. A pirate ship came right up to their doorstep, kidnapped at least one person, and likely plundered the place as well? I expect something more than just Shining Armor himself coming after her. This action is going to piss off plenty of people if for no other reason than a pirate vessel caught them with their pants down. It’s an embarrassment.
I’m not trying to insist what should or shouldn’t happen, but merely highlighting a potential boring aspect this story may take. Sunset attacked a village so close to Canterlot! If there isn’t a worthy reaction, all of this just feels like a song and dance that is going down the list of plot devices and narrative contrivances.
Contrivance is the death blow to dramatic tension.
It’s why I was pleased that they had a description of Twilight (kinda. I’ll get to that in a moment). Having Sunset just kinda thuggin’ it in her cabin and catch twilight merely by chance is boring. What’s portrayed as important is not how Twilight gets captured, but that she just gets there. That’s boring. This was much better than I feared with Velvet's now in play. There is a clear cause and effect going on and Clotho wasn'y just asleep at the loom.
But getting back to Twilight, I will say that mistaken identity was a horrendous way to get Twilight on board. Velvet was, what, twenty years older? Even if it was a twenty year old picture that would then kinda resemble Twilight, they were never told that the portrayed woman was much older than she appeared? A chance meeting is usually not a good thing, but the sheer number of loops in logic to make these people believe Twilight was Velvet was just utter nonsense.
The final two problems I see are very minor, but worth bringing up. The first was that the dream sequence went on much longer than it needed to. The dreams of a lonely girl bled into real life and I can see that, but the moment your hear clashing steel and the stench of gunpowder your head will rip that shit right out of your brain in self preservation. No one in the world ever thinks it’s a dream when their life is in danger.
This kinda works into the other complaint. Twilight didn’t see herself in danger for quite a while, and neither did I. This is my own editorial here. I don’t know the training and orders Sunset’s crew received, but I can make some educated guesses. If they weren’t disciplined enough to know Twilight from Velvet, why didn’t they do some looting while they were on the island during all the arson, murder, and jaywalking? If they were under direct orders and trained well enough to only pick up who they thought was Velvet, that makes a little more sense and gives a little more credence to Sunset being a threat, but it goes back to Twilight not seeing herself in danger for the longest time. Her believing she was in a dream was supposed to, I believe, make the heel turn that she was in danger a little more palpable. I didn’t see the point at all. I could see a little bit, maybe a paragraph or two, but that bit outstayed its welcome and felt unnecessary to me. She was in danger but... not. Pirates and gunpowder plus swords equals danger. Where's the danger?
Alright, that’s the big stuff out of the way. This last bit is some miscellaneous questions and issues more for my own clarification or some enlightenment that I impart onto you. You just happen to catch me in the process of scripting my own pirate-themed fanfic. I’ve been doing a lot of research in ship building, golden age piracy, lingo, and the famed figures of the time in preparation. I’ve loved pirates for the longest time. Who doesn’t? So here are some bits where I’ll be going back and forth between offering some advice and a few spots that might need to be polished up. Rest assured, I do like this story.
I was very giddy when Sunset outlined the terms of Twilight’s stay to the woman because I was thinking, holy shit that’s exactly what happened to Black Bart! The comparisons are even more awesome because it’s widely believed he rose up the ranks on his ship to captain so fast because of his navigational abilities. Even a tie in like that to real world piracy, as unintentional as it may be, just made me squeal like a schoolgirl. The names and ships are never wink-wink nudge-nudge to deliver that exact comparison; the subtly alone was enough to make me appreciate it.
It provides some tantalizing paths for this story to go. Will Twilight also turn pirate one day? Command her own ship? Female pirates weren’t unheard of even in our own times. I’m fond of Gráinne Mhaol myself. Perhaps Shining Armor catches up with her some day and sees Sunset has taken her as a lover?
Just something small like that makes lore hounds like me run wild.
Stepping away from Twilight, I don’t see a noteworthy aspect of pirates: loot. Yes, there is and shall always be the money hording aspect of pirates, something you can once again pin on Treasure Island, but most pirates were keen on other goods. Trade goods like silk, cloth, and medicine were in very high regard and top targets. Considering most coinage was stamped with the royal seals of their own particular country, some coinage could be tracked if the authorities had the time and patience. I didn’t see that here. This could be passed off as Twilight not seeing it in her (somewhat dream whatever) panic and her being blindfolded, so I let that slide.
Finally, here’s some more technical aspects to my review that are more dependant on individual lines, so it’s about to look a lot less clean here.
I don’t believe this. By the time this line comes about, the storm was a significant distance out and the ship was fine; she shouldn’t have been feeling that bad of swells. Sailors are barefoot on deck 95% of the time because of the polished and clean deck; you'll never see them casually slip like this. It helps them grip the surface much better than any shoe and you’ll never see a sailor caught dead in the rigging with shoes unless shit has hit the fan and she hasn’t had time to take them off. One is an accident. Two is coincidence. Three means they’re training a greenhorn. Six is absurd.
Judging from the size and description, I'm guessing this is a schooner. With that, I'm guessing this sail is a foresail. I’m saying all these things because I don’t know what kind of ship this is at all. When people picture pirate ships, they usually envision a galleon because film crews need the wider deck that a galleon provides. If it's that, which I doubt because Velvet would need a much larger crew, it's either the main mizen or the main course; I just don’t know. Even a single name buried somewhere will help.
I'm a lore hound, so here's some currencies you can dive into: piece of eight (spanish dollars back in the day), guinea, bits, louis d’ors, shillings.
Silver tended to be called Reales while gold coins were Escudos.
Although, like I said above, you can still use bits as they are a valid currency of the time. Even if you want to do away with golden age piracy currency, that’s fine and you can stick with bits. If you want to have multiple coinages, like for griffons, it’s easy make your own or pick something from history. I’m fond of using thalers for griffon currency myself.
No it's not.
While it can be fought, it's an involuntary reflex and out of her control.
Also, it's "incentive"
More of a curiosity more than anything. The whole description is reminiscent of a smaller bark or schooner bark, but from the description I'm not sure if the guns are on the main deck or not. If they are on a lower deck or in the hold, that suggests a ship like a galleon and is closer to the described size, but those have four masts and not three. What kind of ship is this?
It's fantasy so it's something I let slide, but if you're going for a realistic view, pirates don't do this. They flew the colors of recognizable ships like the Dutch or Spanish. They don't want to be seen as pirates until the last second because surprise on the high seas is a powerful weapon. Ships aren’t that fast, so the quicker you can hide the bloody sails or decayed hull hauled up from the Locker, the better.
I know it's an idle threat but Twilight should know this rarely happened depending on how comprehensive her knowledge was. I can’t tell how much her knowledge of pirates and piracy covers, but being an asshole on a ship had dire consequences.
It varies from place to place. After all, codes of conduct were very much dependant on location. Black Bart’s pirate code was very different from Madame Shih’s code. The one unifying aspect was that each and every position was filled based upon how well a pirate was capable of holding the role. It was a meritocracy.
That’s not to say this is 100% true across all ships, but it was the rule and not the exception. Black Bart ensured this was punishable by marooning the interloper. Shih’s code straight up ended your shit if you disobeyed a superior officer. Yes, there were minor fights on board a ship. If they weren’t dealt with by anyone in the chain of command, they were supposed to deal with it between themselves. Should it actually interfere with ship business or disrupt affairs, you’d be damn sure the captain’s going to take notice and do something if for no other reason than to make an example.
This was what differentiated the pirates from the navies. The latter had a tendency to draft or straight up kidnap people. This is why tankards are made of glass or have glass bottoms if the legends are true. As the story goes, officers would drop a shilling in their mugs and conscript drunks into the British once they saw it. Having a glass bottom made the coin easy to see. The navy was filled with a bunch of assholes which is why many people volunteered on pirate ships. It was, again, a meritocracy where all aboard had equal say and earned their keep.
This makes me anticipate a possible subversion of events as well. How well is the Equestrian navy run? Do people turn to piracy to earn a living, escape the unfair navy, and fulfill that sense of adventure and romanticism? It is a fun thought to entertain, and seeing Twilight as a bad girl is something woefully lacking.
If your interested, I’m willing to join your editing team as a powder monkey. I’m familiar with piracy as it is and could provide some insight should you so choose.
Lastly, I think this might be a little more appropriate Swab 7496038
Damn it. Not even five pages this time.
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7496443
Not enough poni; try again,
7496443
Awesome song, I would like to add
and finally
7496443 I have no doubt you know what you're talking about, and you certainly seem passionate about pirates and writing.
But I still think you might be taking this a little too seriously.
That's no to dismiss your advice, however. You've given me plenty to consider. On the other hand,I don't think this story is going to live up to your rather high expectations. I thank you for the post nevertheless.
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If I could adequately portray the sigh I just gave, I would, and for the same reason as last time.
Giving a story a modicum of respect and thought and not giving the sycophantic "this story is great" and no more is automatic grounds for making any lengthy opinion less than others. Larger posts may be intimidating, but seriously, what is that kneejerk response supposed to mean? I should dumb down my response? Or is it that the post itself is too long and you require less words for comments? Or do you want absolutely no one to take you seriously? Is that it?
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No.
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I see your tavern wench and raise you corsair ladies.
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I attempt to counter with the Master of the Tides, though it is my last hurrah
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All in.
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I fold.
7497077 I never said anything of the sort. I appreciate your review and honest criticism, even if it is intimidating to see one only three chapters in. It just sounds like you're looking for a literary masterpiece with you looking at every tiny detail (some which I admit I should have given a little more attention too), and while I'm going to make this the best story I possibly can, again, I don't think it'll live up to your expectations. My apologies if it came off as kneejerk.
You sir caught my attention!
Looking forward for the next chapter!
As expected of an Albinocorn story, this is off to a good start. Easy to spot the influences, but they're blended together in a nice, fitting package. And do I detect the faint hints of Indigo Zap possibly being The Starscream here?
For now, tracking. Later perhaps, a spot on my Sunset Shimmer-exclusive favorites shelf.
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Here's a sample of the litany of tunes I've discovered over the years.
And perhaps my favorite.
When ever I think of how sunset shimmer looks like in her demon I can't help but think of this image.
pre00.deviantart.net/66f3/th/pre/i/2013/317/d/8/demon_sunset_shimmer_redesigned_by_inkrose98-d6u55mm.png
This story looks far more promising and exciting than Long Road to Friendship.
Ah another sunlight fic from 1 of my favorit autors.Im glad to see new story from you.That being said im rly liking first three chapters but dam.Sunset got cursed and Twily lost her mother but I just cant figure out on WHAT DOES THIS ALL REMIND ME OFF. :D
Well, as long as we're all putting music up to accompany this story: