“Oooohhhh...” moaned Sunset as she woke up. Her arms cricked as she tried to stretch them. “Ugh...why did I run out of pear cider?” Sunset rubbed her eyes as she began lifting herself from her bed. 'Looks like this morning might be a bit painful...'
After her usual morning routine, Sunset found herself in the kitchen where Luna was dancing around, humming some tune. Celestia was sitting at the dining table, grumbling over a pile of papers. It had been a month since Sunset had joined the Music Club and the past month had flown by. Sunset found out that she was actually quite good with the guitar and thanks to Trixie's albeit egotistical approach in terms of teaching, she learned the basics rather quickly.
Sunset went over and poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down. She coughed as she spoke up, “Um...morning Celestia.”
“Morning Sunset...” droned Celestia as her pen scribbled on another paper. “I can't believe all this nonsense...ugh, what a bunch of-” Celestia looked up and tried to shine a grin. “Oh! Good morning Sunset.” she then blushed as she pushed the papers slightly aside. “Sorry about that. How are you this morning?”
Sunset knew this reaction. She had seen it once before after Celestia had some meeting from someone called Spoiled Rich. Looking at the papers though, Sunset thought it must be something else. “Uh...is everything okay Celestia?”
“Everything is...well, I'll be honest. Everything is just...annoying right now.”
“Annoying?”
“Yeah. Halloween is coming up and-” Celestia pointed to her sister who was still humming a joyful tune, completely oblivious of the conversation. “let's just say my sister loves the holiday a little too much. Thankfully I convinced her last year that this is still legally my house and she's not allowed to go overboard with the Halloween decorations. And the pranks she wanted to do...”
'Halloween...' thought Sunset as she nodded. 'I know I looked it up so I wouldn't embarrassingly react like I didn't know what it was. Which I didn't. But...I still need to ask Twilight about it. I'm guessing since I didn't know what it was, there's probably a different holiday in Equestria. Or no holiday at all.'
“Also...” Celestia continued. “I'm having to help this new transfer student into Canterlot High.”
“A transfer student?! At this time of the year? I mean, I know it's still kind of at the start but...”
“I agree Sunset. But...according to this poor kid's parents, they couldn't wait.” A long sigh later, “Ugh...and that means I have to do a bunch of extra paperwork and I have a meeting with the board next week. They want to do a full conference again.”
“That again? Last time you went, you came back looking like something had just died inside of you.”
“I know Sunset. That's what happens when you have to deal with Cinch, Spoiled Rich and Sombra all at the same time. It drains you like you're being sucked through a straw.”
'I have a feeling I don't want to meet any of those people she just named.' Sunset thought as she sipped another cup of coffee. “Is it just you going alone like last time?”
“Nope.” Celestia's eyebrows went up and down as a small smile appeared. “Luna will have to come with me this time. Only problem is the meeting is out of town.”
“Ah. Okay.” Sunset replied, believing she needed to exit the conversation. “Sorry that's happening to you.”
“It's fine Sunset. It's part of the job after all.” Celestia took one last swig of coffee. “Alright. Time to go to school Sunset. You ready?”
“Sure.”
A bit later at the school cafeteria...
“Hello darlings. How are you all today?” Rarity said as she sat down, her hand waving her hair. “I know I'm simply fabulous!”
“Hey Rarity.” Sunset responded with a smile. “I'm doing fine.”
“Same here.” Rainbow said as she gulped down some milk.
“Hello Rarity. Are you happy because of Halloween?” Fluttershy said in a calm kind tone.
“Indeed darling! I love this time of year!” Rarity cried with joy.
“You like scaring people?” Sunset asked, her view of Rarity never considered her to be one who loved frightening people.
“No darling. I love making Halloween costumes. It's the one time of the year where I can just go wild with crazy ideas! In fact...” Rarity's eyebrows hopped up and down as she leaned toward Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow...I could-”
“No.”
“Oh come now Rainbow! I'll even make one for free!”
“I don't care. I'm going as Daring Do and that's final!”
“But you went as Daring Do last year! And the year before that!” Rarity whined. “Surely you could do something different this year!”
“Nope. Not happening. She's so awesome that I should go as her multiple times.”
“But Rainbow!!!” Rarity whined again, her voice becoming more and more grating. Seeing the situation unfold, Sunset and Fluttershy looked at each other, trying to figure out what to do to stop them. After a minute or two, Sunset spoke up.
“Um...Rarity?”
“Yes darling?”
“Uh...could I ask you to make my costume?”
Rarity's eyes shined like diamonds. “Really?! Oh, that would be wonderful darling!”
'Why do I suddenly have a bad feeling about this?' thought Sunset as she began to witness another fashion rant from Rarity. After the rant subsided, they agreed to meet tomorrow after school. It wasn't long till lunch was over and Sunset found herself shuffling through her classes and finally, the Music Club.
“Alright Sunset, what did Trixie tell you yesterday in terms of strumming?” Trixie asked, showing off an authoritative pose.
“We talked about music note reading yesterday.”
“What?! No we didn't! Trixie knows we talked about strumming yesterday!”
“We talked about that two days ago.”
“But-but-but...that can't be right...” Trixie began to rub her chin in confusion. “Trixie was sure she going to teach you some more chords for the party two days from now.”
“It's cool Trixie. Just go ahead and teach me the chords now.”
“Oh...alright.” Trixie's face lit up. “But just this once pupil!”
Sunset giggled at Trixie's response. After a little more banter, the two began a session. As they began to play, Sunset shined a smile, her heart filled with joy. Sunset found Trixie to be quite the different teacher. She would admit that Trixie wasn't exactly the right fit in terms of teaching, but Sunset found it very easy to say the things that Trixie wanted to hear. It also helped that Sunset found reading music very easy. After a small session, a certain DJ walked over to them.
“Yo! You two are sounding tight!” Vinyl said as she adjusted her glasses. “You two will really help the sound for the school Halloween party!”
“Thanks!” Sunset replied while Trixie merely nodded.
“No prob. Now remember, you two gotta arrive early so I can test your sound in the auditorium, got it?”
“Of course! Trixie always arrives early!”
“Good. And remember...don't wear some costume that will get in the way of your guitar. That happened last year and...” Vinyl bit her lip in frustration from the memory. “Yeah. Don't do that.”
“I understand.” Sunset nodded.
“Good. I'll see you two tomorrow!” Vinyl said with a wave.
Later...
Sunset found herself at home again. After a small casual talk with Celestia and Luna, she finished her routine and shuffled off to bed. As she began to lay down, a small bulb clicked in her head. 'Oh yeah! I need to ask Twilight that!' she thought as she sprang up. She quickly went to her desk and pulled the book out. 'Now, let's see...'
Meanwhile in Equestria...
KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Come in!” Twilight exclaimed. The door slowly opened as a white blue-haired stallion enter the house.
“I'm home!” the stallion yelled as he closed the door behind him. “Where's my favorite sister?”
“SHINING!” Twilight said as hopped with joy to the front door. “You're home! You're home!”
“That's right Twily!” Shining grabbed his little sister and gave her a huge hug. “It's so good to see you!”
“Yay! Mom! Dad! Shining's home!”
“We heard Twilight.” Night Light said as he entered with a cheeky grin. “It's nice to see you son.”
“Hey dad. Where's mom?”
“She's in the kitchen. Don't worry, she'll be in here soon and she'll start hugging your neck like crazy like Twilight there.”
“Of course, I wouldn't expect any less.” Shining chuckled. He then patted Twilight's shoulder, causing her to slowly let him go. “So Twily, how ya been?”
“I'm been great! I love being Princess Celestia's student! I get to study all the time and take care of Spike and I now have a friend that I use a book to talk to with and...” the little filly began to drone on and on, causing Shining to just giggle and pat Twilight on the head.
“That's sounds great Twily.”
Night Light then walked over and grabbed his small daughter. “Let's let your brother come in and make himself comfortable, okay? Supper should soon be ready Twilight, so why don't you go wash up?”
“Okay!” Twilight exclaimed and zipped up the stairs. The two stallions watched her run away and both shared a chuckle.
“I hope she never changes dad.”
“I agree. So, how long you here for?”
“Not long, but at least till the day after Nightmare Night.”
As the two stallions began to talk more, Twilight rushed up to the bathroom by her room. She quickly washed her hooves while humming a jolly tune. Then, as she began to leave the bathroom...
BZZZT!
“Hmm?” Twilight muttered. “What was that?”
As she followed the noise, she glanced into her room. There, her eyes widened as she saw her bag vibrate. 'Wait a minute...if that's vibrating, then...' She quickly raced over to her and rummaged through her bag. 'Let's see...where is it? Ah-ha!'
Her horn glowed as she levitated the book out and began to flip through its pages.
Dear Twilight,
This may sound strange to you, but have you ever heard of a holiday called Halloween?
'Halloween?' thought Twilight. 'What's that?!'
Yeah, now for total confusion and existentialism as Sunset starts to think herself insane! Can anyone else read the Book? If they can't probing herself not crazy is going to be difficult.
7013938 ? What are you talking about?
Awesome chapter! Omg I LOVED THIS! Keep up the great work. And that Luna! Lol. She really must enjoy Halloween to be so...cheerful.
Also, loved how well-written Twilight's family was written. Good work on that!
And finally, I wouldn't really know who the transfer student is, but perhaps I can guess that it is Twilight (Equestria Girl-verse Version)? If not, I'd love to see the sulfide when it comes!
flip through it's pages
1. Its.
Hmm... If Screwball wasn't already in the school, I would have said her. But let's see... How about Twilight? Oh wait, maybe Shining Armour. Then Sunset can say she has a crush on him and have Twilight freak out for a brief bit and etc.
But that's just me going places again.
7013961 I fixed that. Thanks.
7013956 It's Luna, of course she would love Halloween!
7013973 Lol. True enough.
7013995
Next chapter will be out tomorrow. Hopefully I can get the Halloween arc all out soon. I really want to show everypony the ??? arc.
Transfer student from Crystal Prep? Could be any of the Shadow Five (You know, Sugar Coat, Lemon Zap, Indigo Blitz, etc.) or possibly human Twilight. Or you might throw a curveball and have it be Starlight Glimmer. Maybe it might be a guy instead. Doubt it'd be somebody's OC, aside from someone you made up.
My first guess is that it's the human Twilight (or SciTwi, if you prefer), but I'm hoping you'll surprise me.
7014009 Actually, Crystal Prep was never mentioned in this chapter. Sure the name Cinch was dropped, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
7014044
7014009
Huh...you guys are really beating around the guessing tree...glad to see everypony participating.
7014044 I guess you do have a point, but Crystal Prep is the only other EG school we know of in cannon.
Awesome work.
A transfer with some kinda of problem... I would go with either human twilight or scorpan (Tirek's nice brother)
7014000 Nice!
I think it's either SciTwi or human Sunset
Either human twilight sparkle, Boone dancer, or the human sunset shimmer
I guess Starlight.
7013942 Something is going to happen with this transfer student that will make Sunset question reality greatly. It's either Sci-Twi or Human Sunset.
It's either Sci-Twi (Maybe not because Cinch is in the story and most likely at Crystal Prep), Human Sunset (Her origins are unknown to all except Hasbro...if they still remember her) or Discord (...you know he's chaos incarnate). Shining Armor? Anyways good chapter
my guess Human Twilight..
Or my OC that is best friend with Human Sunset, and him beeing there starts a love triangle. Human Suset loves Abyssal but he falls for Pony Sunset....Or one one of the Shadow bolt.Okay.
This is a good story.
But it has horrible storytelling.
The fact of the matter is, when you say 'like a cartoon' or 'this chapter begins this time' or 'we're censoring that' it ruins the sense of immersion. You are telling a story about Sunset Shimmer and her friends, not a story about a story about Sunset Shimmer and her friends. The way you alternate from method to method makes it feel as though there are three narrators with three different styles all pushing against each other and saying 'yes but this!' and it's just....
...
Clean this up. Clean this up, and it will be great. As is, it's a mess.
7015642 Listen, I have every right to write my story the way I want to write it. This is my writing style and I'm not going to change it.
7015631
7015344
7015222
7014872
7014520
7014411
I'm so glad you guys are guessing...it'll make me even happier when I do the reveal!
7015669
Your style is hurting your story.
I want to read your story. I want to feel for Sunset as she struggles with a new world and the remnants of her old identity. I want to cheer at her wins and mourn at her losses. I want to feel the depths of her despair and the glory of her triumphs.
And I can't do that if you hop in every two or three chapters and say 'I'm going to do this thing now.'
Does a director come on stage during a play? Not unless it's a specific sort of comedy, and this isn't a comedy.
One of the basic rules of any storytelling is 'show, don't tell.' Don't explain that Applejack Is Angry; say that she snorts, kicking at the ground and glaring. Don't explain that Twilight Uses A Teleport Spell; say that her horn lights up and suddenly she is two miles away. Don't explain that You Are Altering The Narration Or Using This Trope; let the scene show the change, and let the readers realize why on their own.
Look, you have potential. A lot of potential. This story is great. Even with this one big problem I pointed out, I still find myself caught up in the plot, and that's a good thing. I'm not telling you this to say that you're horrible, because you aren't. I'm telling you, one author to another, that this is the one thing that is killing the story, that is turning away readers, and that changing this one thing will do wonders.
7015764 I'm keeping this style. I'm not gonna go back and change 80,000 words of story because I don't show enough. My main style is dialogue. You can tell a story without getting too descriptive or showing every little morsel. If I did that, people would get lost. I'm not going to change because one person tells me too. Listen buddy, I have the right to write this way and if you don't like how I write, don't read my story.
7015788
Your dialogue is excellent, I agree. And yes, there is such a thing as excessive description that detracts from the story itself. And both of these positives are completely beside the point I am making.
Your narrative is not you.
Your story is not you.
You should not be in your story. (Unless it's a self insert, but even then that's a character of you not you yourself.)
As to the don't like don't read argument, it's not logical. How can I know if I like something unless I read it? And like I said, I do like this story. I don't like the constant interruptions of the story by the narrative. This is a distinction that I feel must be made.
I think I'm going to keep reading, yes. Because I think this is a story worth telling, even if the telling itself is flawed. Because you've got a good concept, you just need to fix a few mistakes. Because if I walked away right now, if I let you continue making those mistakes, I would be letting somebody who has shown genuine talent wander off into nothingness instead of trying to guide them.
This is not an attack. This is not a put-down. This is Rainbow Dash-style encouragement.
7014195 Thanks!
7015878 Okay, if you are trying to be helpful, which you really sound like you're not, then fine. Here's the deal, this is how I write. I don't do self insert in this story, it's how I narrate. My narration in the story is based on the fact that the story is following Sunset unless it needs to change to another person, like in the first-person chapter. As for description, I don't do much description due to my low amount of adjectives I use. I don't try to show every detail because I believe that stories are designed to be vague in certain parts. If they weren't, the descriptions would get out of hand. Two, this story is designed from the first few chapters as events. If you read the story, I've had Sunset break down, get beat-up, and also have good things happen to her. This story isn't a character study, it's a what-if. What if Sunset lost her memory on the first day? That's the story in this.
This is how I write, alright? I'm writing this story because I love it and I want to continue writing it. I don't want to sit there and think, 'Gosh, I hope I can have Sunset just sit there and cry for five chapters.' NO! My main style of writing this story is me thinking, 'Hey, you know what would be cool to happen next in the story? This!' That's how I get my ideas. (Unless I read/watch something, some ideas pop up from there)
Point is, I appreciate that you say I have talent, but this is how I write. This is how I've written my other stories. Is my narration the best? No! But I love narrating and writing this way. I love this story! In fact, I can't wait to fully release this latest arc I'm doing and do the next one! And look, I've come a long way since I started on this site. I used to put the word 'then' everywhere, and I constantly did run-on sentences all the time. But, I keep trying. I used to do only about 1,000 to 1,100 words per chapter. Now, I try to make sure I'm at least close to 2,000. I want to put in more descriptions and stuff but...this is how I write and I'm gonna continue writing that way. I rather write the story and be satisfied and think, 'That was fun! I can't wait to write the next one!' then write it and think, 'Wow, I hope everyone loves my style and picks apart everything I do. I hope they sit there and just take a giant dump on my story because my narration just isn't good enough.'
Overall, I'm writing this story and I'm gonna write it the way I wanna write it. If you think I'm on some road to 'nothingness', that's your thoughts, not mine. I write for fun, not talent. Besides, if you really want to help me, be a bit more descriptive then just telling me my narrative is bad and it's a mess.
Does someone have a drinking problem?
And I'm with Lord Nopony (and a lot of others), the transfer student is Twilight (although I'm wondering why they are rushing the transfer).
7015878 You're sounding like a Svengallop. A&W can write however he wishes to. There is no correct way of expressing an art style, in this case writing a narrative. Everyone is an individual, and their personality usually leaks through a crack or two if not explicitly making itself present; in fact, I believe that's one of the things that makes life great. Seeing individualism instead of millions of people doing the same thing over and over. I apologize if I'm rushing this a bit, but my kitten is currently launching guerrilla strikes on my laptop's keyboard. Basically, it's one thing to criticize how fractured a story may be. It's a whole different ballgame when you're telling someone that what they're doing is incorrect and "not them." If I've learned anything from life, labeling and presumptuousness is one of the biggest ways to limit yourself and eventually destroy yourself from within, if not ruining others. Please don't go around implying that someone could be doing much better in this regard. I mean, everyone can be doing much better. But this is truly a case of enjoyment vs gain. Yea, maybe A&W isn't writing so great as to be the most popular author on FiMFic, and not going to get thousands of dollars yearly on Patreon. But as he stated in his reply, he's having fun, doing what he loves. If that's not individualism and art within itself, then I'm losing faith in humanity.
7016047 I have enjoyed the journey Sunset has gone through so far. This may not be a Long Road to Friendship, but I'm enjoying it nonetheless. Every different approach on alternate paths Sunset could have taken/been forced through really makes me think...especially with the different interpretations of pre-Harmonized and post-Harmonized Sunset Shimmer. While I've been saving my own ideas for a Sunset fic, I hope I never get tired of seeing these different realities. Though I think the path I might take will be one of the darkest...take care of yourself, A&W, and if you need any assistance, send me a message and I'll see what I can do. I've got a lot on my plate in life as of late (more like this past half of my life, middle through high school), so I may not always be available nor willing, but I try to set aside time for helping friends. Yea, I just pulled a real-life-sorta friendship thing, and yea, I'm awesome for it.
Edit: The text walls are real. I'm so, so sorry. Please don't add to my Internet bounty.
7016047
This is not the part of the story I am criticizing.
I am criticizing the part where the narration literally states "I will be switching to first person now."
Because that is not a part of the story at all. Not the switching to first person--that's totally fine--but the part where the narrator has to turn to the audience, interrupting the flow of the story, and say "I am switching to first person."
I get the impression that you are not hearing what I am saying, which is why I keep saying it in different ways. My point is that the story itself is fine, it's the narrator who keeps interrupting the story that is irritating. It's roughly equivalent to a man walking on screen and explaining "this is how we did this explosion" in the middle of a movie.
I honestly don't know how to communicate this any better.
7016430 Unfortunately, that was the only characters I could think of that people know that could be jerks.
7016753 Thank you! Thank you so much! Also, I'm in the same boat, I hope to never get tired of seeing the alternate realities of Sunset Shimmer.
7017045 This is the last time I'm responding to you. And I always try to reply to every comment unless it's the fans making a conversation which I usually just let that happen. (I encourage debate) However, that's it. I'm not going in further with you. This is ast comment.
Here's the deal pal, if you don't like my style of narration, if you don't like that I tell the audience, 'Hey, I don't want you to get confused by the sudden shift in narrative so I'm gonna say IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTES that I'm gonna switch perspectives', then just stop reading my story. Obviously I'm somehow 'hurting' my story.
So...here's an idea. If you're so smart, so much better because you think my story isn't being told right, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO A SIMILIAR STORY YOURSELF?!?!?!?! Maybe that'll satisfy your insane needs. It's a story I love writing and I WRITE IT FOR FUN NOT VIEWS!!!
And guess what bub? I have every right to do that!
7016619 No. That's just a little running gag I made up. It won't appear again for a little while.
7017095
Why would I insult you by trying to outshine you?
Look, I get that you write for 'fun' not 'views'. I do that too. Very few of my stories are forced--heck, I literally have a story which is titled "In Which Masterweaver Just Makes Stuff Up," pure and utter crack. I write for the joy of creating. Feedback is nice, but even without it, I would write. And that means constantly working to better my creations, not just for others, but for myself.
I'm not that good at socializing in general. Or at communication. When I say something, I have to think a bit on how to get my point across. And that means sometimes I come across as abrasive. I acknowledge that. I did not mean to hurt your feelings, or to make you feel as though your story was subpar, or without worth, or merely ugly (because it isn't). I like this story. I really do. I just... I get invested in things I like. I want to see them at their best, even if it means pointing out what I think are flaws.
If you're satisfied with what you've written, if you honestly don't think it can be improved.... that's okay. I'll admit that maybe I put a little too much emphasis on what breaks flow when it comes to criticism, and I think it can make or break a story even more than the usual complaints of 'bad grammar' or 'walls of text' or 'OOC'. That's why I zero in on this one thing whenever I see it. But, I recognize that this is your story, not mine. And that you're the one telling it, in your way. Maybe this works for you. And that's alright.
7017161 I know I said I was not gonna respond anymore but...let me show you why I said all of this. This was from your first comment:
and this:
Those are basically insults. Not as much in the second one, but still. That and all you've done is tell me over and over again that my narrative is bad. That's not helping, all those things are nothing but insults.
Also, this is my last response.
Halloween Transfer Student?... Zecora?
Also sorry if I sound rude but I felt the ending for this chapter to be cut short. I know this is done for dramatic effect but it felt like you could continue from that.
7018380 I agree. I couldn't find a better way to end it though.
7016236 Ugh. I hate peaches. Guavas are okay, though. You eat what you like, and I'll eat what I like.
Diamond tiara
I'm guessing Starlight Glimmer!
Great chapter only edit I found was
That's right Twily!” Shining the grabbed his little sister and gave her a huge hug. “It's so good to see you!”
Then
7857185 Fixed it. Thanks.
Nobody else guessed Flash? Moderately surprised here.
7016619
This Wil app-pear again? Well played.
Chrysalis. That is all.