Making acquaintance
So here is chapter 2 of A New World, hope you like it.
Twilight immediately jumped from my lap and stood in a corner of the chamber together with her friends, I stood in the corner opposite of them. My mind was still busy trying to get everything in order and some questions flashed through my mind, how did come here, are they real or am I starting to go crazy. I finally had the nerve to open my mouth and ask some questions.
“ Who are you,” I started, followed by “ what are you and why are you here?”
Twilight, who I saw as the leader of the group, then began speaking.
“ Well, I’m Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends. We are my little ponies and I was preforming my transportation spell until something happened I can’t explain and now we are here. Now I want to know who you are, what you are and where in Equestria we are.”
This was a confirmation that I was dealing with the My Little Ponies of the TV show.
“ Well,” I began. “ I’m Jack and I’m a Human. You and your friends are in my farm in Colorado, USA and you’re not in Equestria, you’re on Earth.”
“ Wait, wait, wait,” She said, trying to hide her stress. “ You’re telling me we’re on another planet.”
“ I even think you’re from a different universe.” I said. “ But what I find strange is that you guys are a TV show on this planet and yet you guys think you are real.”
“ But we are real!” Twilight yelled with anger in her eyes. “ And what is a TV show?”
“ A TV show is a form of amusement on this planet.” I explained.
“ Well there is only one way to find out. Spike, take a quill and paper.”
After 5 minutes the letter was finished.
Dear princess Celestia.
It appears that, due to a failed spell, me and my friends have stranded on a planet called Earth. We have met a ‘Human’ (the inhabitants of this planet) who goes by the name of Jack and he told us we’re not real because we’re a ‘TV show’. Therefore I would like that you would send a letter back with instructions and also as confirmation that we’re real.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle
And then Spike took all the breath he could take and fired. The letter was gone.
“ While we wait, we could start with some proper acquaintance. I’m Twilight Sparkle, I’m specialized in magic and a loyal student of Princess Celestia.”
“ I know who you are and who your friends are.” I said.
“ You do, how?” Twilight replied very curiously.
“ The TV show.” I said, smiling.
“ Oh yeah, right.” Twilight said, thinking how stupid she was. “ Well then, let’s play a little game. Match the names to the correct pony and also mention what’s so special about her and don’t forget Spike.”
“ Okay then,” I said with confidence. “ That orange mare over there is Applejack, she’s a hardworking pony with great power and she’s always honest.
“ Ya damn right.” She replied with a wink.
“ The cyan blue pony is Rainbow Dash. She’s the fastest flier in Equestria and isn’t afraid of anything. Her dream is to join the Wonderbolts and she’s always loyal to her friends.”
“ I’m starting to like this guy.” Rainbow said, smiling happily.
“ That little Yellow pony in the corner is Fluttershy, she’s very shy but if you can gain her trust she’s a very kind pony. She’s amazing with animals.”
“ Thank you.” She said in a whisper but with a little smile on her face.
“ And of course I can’t forget Rarity. She loves designing dresses and being stylish. She’s very generous because she want’s to do good for everyone.”
“ Now that, darling, is the truth.” She said with a chuckle.
“ Our pink pony over there is Pinkie Pie. She likes sweets and is a very active pony. She likes to laugh at everything.”
“ Aw, thanks. You look like an ape with no hair.” She said while laughing.
“ Pinkie!” Twilight, who was now in my chair, snapped at Pinkie.
“ Oh, it’s nothing.” I said while laughing. “Actually she is correct.
“ She is?” Twilight said with much curiosity.
“ Yes, I and other people of this planet think that we used to be apes. But there are some other people who believe we were created by a God but I don’t care because in this world everyone is free to choose what he/she believes in.
“ Oh, your species has religions.” Twilight said, clearly wanted to know more.
“ Yep but I will tell you all about it later. But now I will tell you all I know about you.” I said. “ You’re Twilight Sparkle, you love books and studying. You’re also good with magic but you’ve already told me that and Spike is your baby dragon and a good assistant.”
“ Wow, you have everything correct about us. It looks like you have been spying on us your whole life.”
“ Nope,” Is said smiling. “ Just for 2 hours.”
It was then that I heard a sound, it was Spike and it looked he was about to throw up
.
“ Spike, is everything alright?” I asked. “ Do you need a bucket?
“ No, I’m fi… fi… fi…” He tried to finish his sentence but then in the blink of an eye he coughed up a note, probably from princess Celestia.
Twilight took the note from Spike, opened it and read it aloud.
My faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
I find it a bit disturbing to find out that you and your friends are in another universe but I can confirm that you are real. As for my instructions, I want you to stay with that human, Jack, because I want that you learn things about Earth. I will write back in one month and I will search for a way to get you back home.
Princess Celestia.
“ So we need to stay here for at least one month. “ Twilight said. “ But where are we going to sleep?”
“ Well, I guess you could sleep in my farm, I have a large unused lap of land. We could build a replica of your houses there, if everyone helps we should be finished by midnight.”
“ Okay, then that’s a plan.” Twilight said happily.
Everyone got to work almost immediately, we searched a giant tree for Twilight and made her house in there. For the other ponies was building material provided. Pinkie Pie made her bakery, Applejack made her farm, Rarity made her giant building in the form of a tent with cloth and Fluttershy made her little cottage. However there was one little problem, Rainbow Dash her house was a house of clouds. But in this world it was harder to manipulate clouds so we had to find a solution. Rainbow Dash was standing next to me while everyone was building their house. She looked at my eyes and I saw in her eyes that she was hoping that I found a solution.
“ I’m sorry Rainbow but manipulating clouds to build a house just doesn't work here.” I said with sorrow.
“ I guess I ‘ll have to sleep in the barn.” She said almost crying.
I just couldn’t stand to see Rainbow crying.
“ Alright, you can sleep in my bed but only if you stay on the left side of the bed.” I said
“ I can, oh thank you, thank you, thank you.” She said very fast.
She flew until she was at eye level with me and gave me a big hug. I was a bit surprised but I returned the hug. I sensed that under her boyish actions, a real sensitive little pony hid.
All the houses were ready and everyone said goodnight and they retired to their new houses. Rainbow dash went with me inside.
“ It’s really nice and cozy in here.” She said while she followed me to the bedroom.
“ Thanks but I need to have some more money to make this place really beautiful.” I said opening the bedroom door for Rainbow. “ Well Rainbow, this is the bedroom. Your place is on the left side of the bed, if you want to wash yourself before going to bed, the bathroom is on the right. I’m going to take a shower in my other bathroom, okay?”
“ I’ll be fine.” She said so I went to my bathroom but before I left the bedroom I heard her say: “ Jack, thanks for letting me sleep here.”
“ It’s nothing.” I said and left the bedroom. I heard she also was going to take a shower because I heard the splashing of the water and heard her sing with a beautiful voice that would even make a siren green of jealousy. After an hour I also went to bed and saw her already sleeping, I checked the bathroom to see if it was clean. It was spotless, clearly this pony wanted to express her thanks. She had held her to my sleeping rules, so went in my bed at the right side. Then I heard her voice.
“ Did you like what I had done in the bathroom.” She asked silently.
“ You shouldn’t have done that, I could have done it also.” I replied.
“ No because you helped everypony with their houses and you helped me with finding a sleeping place, so I had to do something in return.” She said, almost sleeping.
“ Well you’ve got my thanks.” I replied again and we both drifted into a deep sleep.
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29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg
looks promising
“ I’m sorry Rainbow but manipulating clouds to build just work here.” I said with sorrow. Just work here?
"Het spijt me Rainbow, maar het manipuleren van wolken op te bouwen gewoon hier werken." Zei ik met verdriet.Gewoon hier werken?
Very good can't wait for the next one
Zeer goede kan niet wachten tot de volgende
I like the idea but the dialogue is frustrating me. I know you're it's your first story and you're trying
but you might want to consider getting an editor or pre-reader if you don't already have one.
But overall I like it. Keep practicing and getting better
628686
I agree with this person the quotes are nice but not completly fitting
A prereader may help.
628463 thanks for noticing the coma's and the mistake I made, I will fix that. I think you should speak in English because Google Translate sucks
628686 Thanks for the tips, I will also pay extra attention to the dialogues.
629035 I have another question, if you don't mind.
What do you mean with the quotes are not fitting?
630547 You know what? I think that may be my bad, sorry. I keep forgeting that English is not your native language. It is probably just the translation coming out a little formal.
Can I get a time estimate on the next chapter?
633259 i'm halfway through the next chapter and then i'm going to send it to my editor to check for mistakes.
so I think 3 days at most, however 2 days is also likely.
634632 Ok thanks!
Cartoon ponies build a small town in less than a day. And you didn't include appropriate montage music?
But seriously, I like this fic so far.
643049 lol
, but I didn't want describe the whole building process, so I rushed it a bit.
its great i dont think that rainbow dash would of been that upset over a sleeping place though
Yeah I am probably going to appear in the comments of all the chapters
... But anyway!
I found this chapter a bit rushed and probably could of used some more description. That being said, i didn't mind the description at all but if you increase the description and a tad bit more dialog then you could really up your word count. I found no grammar errors, only a rushed sentence that seems to have bee cleared up.
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a true gent would have slept on the couch or in the barn not with a women he just met
Quick bit of advice:
Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT have the ponies curse.
Words like "damn" are acceptable every now and then, but have it as a slip of the tongue. Remember that the ponies are innocent creatures (at least from the show), and it would be better to not have their innocence ruined by their exposure to adulterated crap.
This also applies to the many adulterated things that they can be exposed to. Be cautious as to how you approach this.
Just some advice.
PS: The ponies have just met the guy, and he's a human. There's gotta be some tension involved. Rushed acceptances tend to turn me away from fics with this really overdone trope.