"Hey pal, get your lazy mug off the counter!" An annoyed voice came from behind a bar counter, along with a loud pound from a hoof on the counter. A grey pegasus head shoot up his red eyes looking alarmed at the sound but relaxed as he saw it was only the barkeeper glaring him down.
"Keep your mug off the counter before I throw your mug to the curb." He said with a heavy Manehattan accent withdrawing his hoof from the counter, it picked up a cloth and resumed his duty of keeping the glasses in the bar clean.
"You okay Red?" A voice came from the left side of the grey pegasus, a gentle hoof patted the pegasus named "Red's" shoulder. The grey pegasus looked to a white pegasus with a 5 o'clock shadow, the pegasus was wearing a Wonderbolt's flight jacket. Its front side decorated with a few medals, some slightly tarnished from years of wear and tear. The back having the classic lightning bolt with two clouds on the left and right side.
"Yeah Light, I'm okay" Red answered to his worried friend who lowered his hoof back to the bar counter it grasped a glass of cider mixed with salt and some sort of brown liquor. Red never learned the name since it was made only in Manehattan, and he was only passing through the corrupt city. He raised his hoof to his dark brown mane to rub it a few times in a weak attempt to wake himself up before lowering it onto the counter. With a small twist of his neck, a loud crack was heard making the pegasus named Light cringe at the disgusting sound.
"Sorry." Red said noticing his friend’s annoyance, he then spread open his large grey wings another weak attempt to wake up. His wing bumped into somepony who cried out an annoyed "Hey!" but as Red closed his powerful wings he looked at the pony with an almost murderous look making the pony back away with a nervous look in his eyes.
"You got to stop that bro" The white pegasus said picking his glass up to take a large gulp of his strange cider drink. As the glass hit the bar counter he mumbled something sounding like...
"Among other things."
Red looked at his friend sighing once, he knew full well what his friend was referring to. Propping his elbow on the counter he picked his half empty glass of cider with extra sugar and salt. Looking into the cider he could faintly see the reflection of two red eyes staring back up at him. Eyes that only a moment ago looked ready to hurt somepony now looked broken...
"What was I mumbling about in my sleep this time?" Red asked not even taking a glance at his friend who was staring at him.
"Junior Flight School... you never told me about it before." Light said sounding slightly interested in that story, with a heavy sigh along with a heavy heart Red closed his eyes.
"Ah Junior Flight School, such simple times back then..." He mumbled as his mind began to relive that old memory...
…
…..
…….
"AHHH!!!" A high pitch scream cried out in protest as a yellowish pony slammed into a soft patch of clouds cushioning her fall. She popped her little head out, her pink hair covered one of her sky blue eyes. She looked greatly upset as she tried to pull herself free from the patch of clouds, she grunted in failure at her attempts some of the ponies snickering at her.
"Fluttershy you okay?" A pony called out as he offered his brown hoof to her, she blushed softly at the slightly older pony before taking his hoof with her own. With a small bit of effort the older pony pulled her free.
"Thank you Red..." She said timidly at the pony who nodded once his dark brown mane covered the top half of his red eyes slightly showing he badly needed a mane cut.
"You’re welcome, but why did you lock up like that?" Red asked the shy filly, she looked down at the clouds kicking it softly as if to try and avoid the question. With a sigh Red looked up at the higher patch of clouds at the Flying Instructor who was looking over his clipboard. His head raised up to look at the pony who was next to fly.
"Rainbow Dash!" He said, a blue pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail eagerly trotted up to the edge of the clouds. Eager to prove herself, Red noticed Rainbow Dash was very stuck up thinking she was all that. Though… she did have the speed to back up her boasting she could even give Red a race for his bits.
"3.2.1.GO!" As soon as the go was said, a rainbow blur was all that remained of Rainbow Dash as she flew off into the clouds. Spinning around several of them, as she did the clouds slowly began to rotate before crashing into the rainbow blur.
"Crud!" Rainbow Dash cried out as she spun out of control flying into a large patch of clouds, the clouds she sent spinning flew at the group of ponies who were with Red at the bottom of the course. A few of them gasped loudly as they tried to take of flying, Red took off as well but not away from the cloud at them! His red eyes glared at the clouds as he stopped in their path, his grey wings started to flap harder as a small twister began to form in front of him.
"Ready" He said to himself as the twister sucked up the cloud that was out in front of the others, the twister ripped up the cloud into smaller bits til they began to form into solid snow balls from the pressure and cold in the twister. His eyes watched the incoming clouds closely til he felt the distance was right.
"Target locked" He mumbled before opening his wings the twister broke apart spending the snow balls flying at the clouds. The snow pierced the clouds with little issues breaking them apart into tiny bits that didn't have the mass to continue their path the air froze the tiny clouds in place. With amazement his Flying Instructor lowered his glasses as if to make sure he wasn't just seeing a colt take out a group of clouds, after a few blinks he looked at his clipboard.
"Red...Red... ah. Red Bullseye! Come here!" The Instructor said. Red turned his head to his instructor. Before flapping once as he glided down to his teacher landing gracefully in front of the much larger Pegasus.
"Yes Mr. Arc?" Red said with a hint of respect, though he was worried about being chewed out. He knew that pegasus weren't supposed to fly unless instructed by the teacher but his body just reacted...
"Impressive flying Bullseye! You should consider going to the advanced class, your much better than the rest of your class. And Rainbow Dash!" The teacher looked up at Rainbow Dash who was sulking as she flew back.
"Clean up the mess you made, Red Bullseye. Why don't you take it easy for the day as a reward for saving your classmates." The teacher said, Rainbow Dash glared at Red who nodded once in response to his teacher. Rainbow flew off to clean up the scattered clouds Red left her, the teacher looked at his clipboard. Red walked past his teacher, failing to hear the next name that was called til...
CRASH!
Red felt somepony crash into him hard enough to knock him and that somepony right off the edge of the cloud. His eyes closed tightly as he felt somepony grabbed his head in almost a head lock, he struggled to open his wings as his wings were caught up in the other ponys wings. The next thing he felt was the cushion impact of the clouds surrounding him and the pony on top of him.
"What the?!" Red finally managed to say as the head lock weaken, he slipped his head free from the pony’s grasp. Pushing them off he struggled to get out of the clouds, pulling out he fell onto the harder floor like clouds before pushing himself to his hooves. Whipping around he opened the clouds up in a fit of anger.
"What is your prob..." His voice weaken at his last few words as a small head from a filly popped out her nose gently touched Red's making his face erupt with a shade of red that almost matched his eyes. Which were now wide as could be, his eyes locked with a pair of pale grey apple green eyes. Those eyes locked with his, til finally they crossed gently as she noticed their noses were touching. She had a mane and tail that matched her eyes, a coat that was grey like Red's. It took a second for her to realize that they were close to each other, she could feel Red's warm breath on her nose and Red could feel her's.
She then jumped up, only the direction she jumped was in his. Falling on top of him just like she did only moments ago when they crashed into the clouds. Their heads collided together, Red's eyes went from wide to seeing stars as he hit the clouds the little filly laying on top of him out cold just like him...
…….
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…
"And and?" Light asked eagerly leaning close to Red, the seat tilted in Red's direction.
"And I woke up in the infirmary hours later." Red said making it sound like that was it, Light's head dropped in disappointment.
"You ass; what happen to the filly? What was her name?" He said leaning back in his chair, Red shrugged once as if to play off Light's interest.
"She was sitting in the chair beside my bed, she said sorry so many times I lost count." Red said as he rubbed the spot right below his dark brown mane he winced as if somehow he could still feel that pain from bashing heads with the filly.
"And as for her name it was..."
"Derpy Hooves!" Another voice cried out from the other side of the bar, Red's blood ran blood at that name. He turned his attention to a unicorn who was surround by a few other unicorns, earth ponies and a pegasus or two. They were listening to the unicorn who was telling some story, he had a blue coat, blue horn that stuck out through his mane that looked almost like a cloud on top of his head.
"My dear friends, she was easy to trick!" The unicorn cried out with pride...
No idea if you want any critique/advice on this, but here I am anyway! I'll point bits out as i go along.
Something immediately apparent is the repetition you've got going on. "Counter" is mentioned three times in this very short space, including once in the dialogue - if you mention a word in dialogue, it's best to try and avoid using it again in the same paragraph, unless we're talking about large paragraphs. Time gaps, you see.
Needs more commas, also that typo. You also seem to be introducing things like "a thing is happening/a thing is here" a lot, which isn't a good thing to overuse. It works at the start of this sentence, but not much in the previous quote; "from behind the bar top" "along with a loud pound from the owner's hoof" would be replacements for the "a"s.
"Corrupt" is a pretty odd word to use at this point. This is probably just a small detail, but nonetheless pretty important to consider. You've established that they're in Manehatten, which is fine, but you didn't describe anything beyond that about the setting. What about their surroundings makes it corrupt? The bar? The general attitude? If it turns out that Manehatten in this story is actually full of outright corruption then this is a bit more forgivable. Be careful with what words you use to describe your setting, and when you use them.
You could make this paragraph and many other parts of the story flow better if you make use of what the audience already knows. By which I mean: The readers already know both of them are pegasi, so you could skip out on saying "the pegasus named Light", which looks awkward, and replace it with simply "the other pegasus", or even just "making Light cringe". Readers already know the names of both characters, so no need to repeat that introduction in the description, just saying the name on its own works fine. Likewise, you can use this as a way to cut down on how much you repeat words - we know they're in a bar after the first mention of the word, so the audience doesn't need to be reminded.
That "He" should be "he". When adding a "he said/she said" thing after dialogue, don't start it as if it's a new sentence, because it technically isn't. No idea why, but that's the way writing is. Anyway... if a sentence that would end with a period has a "he said" after it, that period needs to be replaced with a comma, because the end of the sentence is now technically after the "he said", and whatever follows like: "blur blur blur," he said as he whizzed around on the floor, trying his best to offer critique.
Err... hope that all helps you in future. I've only just reached the flashback transition bit, but I'm always happy to share my knowledge :) Good look with this!
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Noted, at first I didn't get what you ment by the whole counter thing til I read it over a few times. But yeah I get ya, to be honest this chapter was written a little after I became a brony more then a year ago. It has been hidden away since then, and I just decided to start writing again but I wanted to finish this story before beginning my next project.
But thank you for the input I'll make sure to reread my next few chapters for mistakes.
~SunsetintoDawn~