Sorry for not getting this up sooner. I really wanted to write, but I've been having some trouble with it considering the way I wrote Pinkie's intro chapter. I feel like I'm rushing the story, as I'd really like to make some long term character advancements in all of the Mane 6, as well as Big Mac himself. Due to this, I've made a change in Pinkie's chapter. Instead of fainting, he runs out of Sugarcube corner, and that's where we start off here. Again, I don't feel so sure about this chapter, so, as usual, criticism is welcome!
Midnight had now settled, the rain had stopped, and the darkness did not impede Big Mac's speed as he continued to gallop through the streets of Ponyville, ignoring his body's cries of resistance. It had been a long day, and though the bag around his neck wasn't ridiculously heavy by any means, he'd been carrying it all day, and he only had one goal. Big Mac wanted to get somewhere where nopony could find him in the morning. He needed time to think about all that had happened. It would be too much to say that there was any sort of love between him and the various mares he'd met throughout the day, but there was definitely a connection. What kind of connection, he didn't know... but he needed to think, away from the town, away from the farm, even. He wasn't good at keeping secrets, and AJ was really good at finding the truth. If she learned what had happened, she would be more than just mad. Big Mac needed somewhere to hide. With this in mind, he slowed his pace, and began to check his surroundings.
Fortunately, his frantic sprint had led him down the road to Sweet Apple Acres. He knew from experience he could get lost in the acres of farmland without anypony noticing, and lay low for a while. After passing the farmhouse, he headed into the massive expanse of apple trees. Before too long, he had reached the lake near the border of the Everfree Forest. He followed the border until he reached the very corner of Sweet Apple Acres. Upon seeing that the town of Ponyville was a relative speck from this vantage point, he began to relax. He wandered along the border of the farm some more, a little way away from the forest, and found an apple tree that was large enough to shade him from the morning sun. Big Macintosh sat down under the large tree, beginning to relax, though he did not expect to sleep. Suddenly, a very audible "POP!" was heard, a flash of blue light lit up the scenery around him briefly, and a prominent voice came to him over the quiet of night, shocking him into full awareness once more.
"Big Macintosh, why do you wander so far from Ponyville? We do not usually disturb those who We see during the night, but We must inquire why you have such a... troubled countenance about you." Big Mac nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard and saw who was addressing him.
"Oh! P-Princess Luna, your majesty." He bowed, but rose again, curiously "Were... were you watchin' me? No offense, of course. I'm just feelin' mighty paranoid, all that's happened to me today. Also, it ain't everyday that a princess just teleports in to say hello." Princess Luna looked at him for a moment, analytically.
"We take no offense to your- Oh, that's right, my apologies. I take no offense to your statement." Her voice quieted greatly, much to Big Mac's relief. "My apologies, I've been trying to stop using such antiquated forms of speech. It's... slightly difficult. Regardless. I was not watching you, but it is my duty to oversee all that occurs during my night, and I observed your meeting with Miss Pinkamena Pie. I could not help but notice your... frantic exit. I teleported here, as I wanted to ask why you are so troubled, and if I may be of any assistance. I get quite bored during the night, as I do not usually interact with the common ponyfolk, considering they sleep while I am awake. Would you be willing to talk with me of your problems?"
Big Mac was slightly uneasy about her sudden change in mood, but he felt that if he could trust anyone, it would be Celestia or Luna. He had never met either of them directly until now, but he knew that they were regarded for their passion in helping the citizens of Equestria. Maybe Luna was just the pony he needed to see. He relaxed again, slumping down on his haunches and leaning heavily against the tree. His muscles still ached from the panicked sprint out of Sugarcube Corner, and though he could deal with a little pain, his mental state seemed to magnify the pain in his body.
"You know what, Miss Luna, I think I would be happy to talk to ya for awhile. Got a lot on my mind, see. Now, goin' by what you said, you watch the night. Now, you must've noticed that I don't sleep too much. I normally just work the farm from before sunrise to late at night." Luna nodded, and looked at him with an expression of empathy.
"Yes, I have noticed that. Are you certain it is not best that you, like other ponies, get sleep during the night? It is important to rest. Not that I mind the concept of somepony being awake during my night." Big Macintosh looked at her again, and nodded. Luna sat down in front of Big Mac, listening intently as he began his story.
"Yeah, I should be sleepin' more. I figured that out recently. I went to take a nap a couple days ago, and I ended up asleep for a whole day. My sis, AJ told me that I needed a day off, y'see? So I laid myself down for the rest of the day, and I woke up today, and hit the town, meanin' to meet Applejack's friends, and thank them for helpin' out durin' last year's Applebuck Season, since I was out with an injury, and my sis was so tired she was just fallin' asleep while she was workin' out on the fields. And so, I went on down to Twilight Sparkle's house..."
He recounted the entire day's events to Luna, and he went to high amounts of detail with the emotions he had felt, hoping it was possible that Luna could help him understand what was going on in his mind. He felt a little bad, leaning on a Princess as though she were his personal psychologist. She remained there, though, listening to every detail he pointed out, and nodding. Her facial expression remained empathetic, if not becoming even more so.
"And then I ran into you, Princess. More stressful than any workday. I don't mean to push all my problems on you, but do you know at all what's wrong with me? I'm more frightened for my own sanity than anything." Luna looked at him for a moment, and then responded, in a very knowing tone.
"Well, I believe I do, but... It's strange, you show the main symptoms of being lovestruck, in all of these cases. I mean you no offense in this, but the circumstances regarding your day are, to be honest, extremely odd. I am very knowledgeable in the area of romance, but I have no idea how one can be lovestruck so easily. I mean you no offense, of course, but I would like to meet you again to discuss this, as I find your situation very... interesting. If you wish to meet me again, I will be watching over the night, and all you need to do is come to this tree, as I can tell you would prefer your mental state to be private to others. I need some time to think about your predicament, as well as some time to discuss things with my sister, if that is all right with you." Big Mac nodded, before responding in a cautious tone.
"That's fine, but keep it between you two, if you could. I don't want anypony knowin' about this, though I think I made that clear. Thank you very much. I'm gonna rest here, though I don't think I'll be able to sleep. I'll need to lay low around here for a while. There's plenty of food to eat nearby, and I can drink from the lake over there." Luna's expression changed to a slightly more concerned one.
"Are you certain? That seems to be a rather rash decision. I promise I will keep these meetings between me and Celestia, should they continue. And if you truly want to remain here for a time, I won't argue with you... However, I may be able to help you sleep. I learned a relaxation spell recently, it's very similar to healing, and you still seem to be in quite the state. Would you like me to help you to sleep?" Big Macintosh looked at her for a moment, skeptically, but he decided that she had not said or done anything to break his trust in her up to this point, so he agreed.
"I really appreciate it, Princess. Thank you for bein' so helpful. It feels good to get all of that off of my back." Luna smiled at him.
"I watch the night, and those who live through it. You are under my protection during the night, and I cannot allow you to remain in such a stressful state. To do so would greatly displease my sister, and it would disturb me as well. We have the utmost respect for our subjects. Now simply relax, this should feel numbing." Her horn glowed a moonlit blue, and Big Mac could feel his muscles relax, from his forelegs all the way to his hindquarters. He slumped down as his muscles relaxed, and he could feel his mind slipping away to sleep, and though the occurrences of the day remained in his mind, the headache he had accumulated began to fade. "Good night, Big Macintosh." Luna said, and she flew away towards the castle. Big Mac felt his conscious thoughts slip away, happily letting sleep overtake him as he sat alone, underneath the apple tree.
Sounds like Big Mac's got some pondering to do.
By the way, watch out how often you begin sentences with the same word. Your first and second paragraphs open a couple dozen sentences with the word "He." Just a heads-up. Keep up the good work!
Hey man, Congrats on getting on the scrolling stories! How is this going to end!
Aaaaaaand tracking. Keep it up!
648200 'Tis a truly special way of tell someone when you want more of their story.
And so Our Hero began his quest to defeat the notorious Pentafold Harem.
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I just repaired that to the best of my ability.
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Awesome.
649344
*Bows* I write for others to enjoy, who would I be to ignore their concerns?
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Apparantly I had to rewrite the edits in, It's now edited for real.
649388
Oh, yep, there it is. Great job. ;D
This chapter felt.... odd. Lacking, in a way. A wild Luna appears, and they just hit off the casualness right away - somewhat ooc for both herself and Big Mac. A little tiny piece of irony or something might've helped with some comedic relief. Some kind of secondary speculation, on the farm, on Big Mac's recent experiences, anything that might have slowed the pacing down a bit and rounded out the perspectives. Otherwise, this chapter felt very direct, like it was walking a straight and narrow line towards a certain point, like it was trying to prove it's not drunk or something.
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That would make sense, as I usually write at around midnight, and while I don't drink, that's as close as I get to being drunk is when I'm horrendously tired. I usually try to edit in things on concerns that I agree with, so do you have any specific ideas that I could try to add in, maybe a bit more of a greeting, or something? I'd be happy to flesh it out, I wasn't overjoyed with it either.
649482 It certainly could have been expanded upon. I, for one, wasn't aware it was night when he got there, I knew it was evening sometime, but a fair bit of setting out the scenery Never hurts - its plot neutral and helps define the situation, while helping with context.
Luna could have explained better why she was there, randomly. Both her and BM seem entirely too casual about randomly meeting this way.
Some kind of physical action, just a little ol' anything to help the images flow, maybe they walk while they talk, and this prompts the scene setting?
Not sure what Luna you're planning on, but I imagine a bit of teasing isn't out of the question, if your writing her that way. Sorta half expected him to have the same reaction with her, and be like "Damn you heart, calm the hell down!" except he doesn't. Could allude this in some way.
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Edited in a bit of explanation to the tune that it is midnight.
I think Luna's explanation of why she was there was good, though I should add that she teleported down from Canterlot.
I'll try to add a little more on how big mac remains at the tree, and I'll add a bit in which Luna sits down to listen to him.
Nah, I'm putting the princesses in as more psychological figures, and Big Mac views them too much as leaders to fall for them. I may write a LunaMac in the future, but not really gonna tease that one for now.
There we go! I made a few minor changes to try and address the problems you had. Tell me what you think!
And remember, as hard as I try, I might not reach your standards. First full fledged shipfic, after all.
649742 that's definetly a positive improvement. Onwards to shipping!
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Excellent! Still reading through it, making little edits to things I may have missed while half asleep writing it. Creativity is a torturous muse, commonly approaching my mind in the late hours of the night.
649787
the dawn chorus makes for quite a pleasent lullaby, ironically.
649792 Dawn Chorus by Boards of Canada? Good song.
I really like how you added in a moment where he could sit and reflect about the days current events and then also try and gain some help from a Luna.
That part where Luna came in surprised me. And now I cant wait to see whats next.
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I'm taking this story one step at a time, but I felt that a chapter of introspection was really needed, and seeing as the night is a symbol of love, I really thought Luna could fit in as a psychological aid to Big Mac during his romantic struggles, without becoming too romanticized herself.
wow I didn't realize there was some intended symbolism behind you staging it at night thats really cool nice job.
649809 Never heard of it. I meant the dawn chorus of birds outside the window Edit - good song though, now that I'm hearing it . Edit 2.0 - weird, but good.
Your line about "i know much of romance." It speaks of things to come?
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As I said, I intend to write her as a character that helps Big Mac through all of his romantic troubles.
...Maybe I'll write in an alternate storyline or two.
Maybe.
Damn if I was Big Mac I would of done the same thing
Lordlyhour demands a Harem for big Mac! a HAREMAC! or whatever. Your story bro :D. I really do Like this Fic and I rather hope you continue on with it.
Suggestions: Have an Alt ending where he ends up with each of them,, one where he hooks up with all of them at once and tries to keep it secret, One where he hooks up with all of them and they's all cool with that and one where he runs away and joins a monastary and the Mane 6 Sans applejack all go on an epic quest to track him down, Despite it only being Two Miles outside of Ponyville
theories: The Whole Romance thing is due to the elements of harmony. The Mane 6 are all Feeling AJ's Fraternal Love for her brother being resonated by the Elements and, Not being family, are building apon it with their own Infatuation/Attraction/Whatever. Mac is Getting this in reverse through his Familial links with AJ.