Chapter 1: Greetings, We Come In Peace
*BURP*
Luckily, Spike was in the middle of dusting crystal shelves, or his breath will most likely have left permanent scorch marks. He wryly considered the scrolled parchment that had appeared in emerald flames. Emerald flames that would have carbonised the old library’s shelves. It was a good thing that their new residence was mainly fireproof, he wouldn’t know what to do if flames from a dragon set the whole place ablaze. Starting fires was something he was good at… stopping them was an entirely different matter.
Looking back at the scroll, he realised the seal was from Princess Luna. Curiosity won over the little dragon and he broke open the seal, unwinding the parchment to read its contents.
Dear Noble Dragon,
Spike grinned. This was off to a good start. At least it wasn’t addressed to Twilight like it always was. ‘Noble Dragon’, eh? Nice title. Could he keep it?
We regret to inform you that due to some confusing scheduling mishaps, we have received an inordinate amount of gems. It will be hard to process them all at Canterlot castle, what with the gem-obsessed nobility nearby. We’d come to a decision and we’d rather trust a gem-eating dragon than anypony in Canterlot with safeguarding these precious materials. My sister and I will be along sometime to drop them off. Please let Princess Twilight know.
Fare thee well,
Princess Luna
P.S. No need for any fanfare, it wouldn’t do to let everypony know we’re lugging along a cartload of gems.
The parchment fell to the floor. Gems?! They expected him of all creatures to safeguard gems?! His claws twitched, his mouth was already salivating at the delectable image of the veritable hoard of gems the Princesses were no doubt in possession of. He shook his head, trying to dispel the pleasant fantasy.
No, no, no! Not good.
He snapped his claws. Wait! Maybe Twilight could figure out a spell to stop him from eating the gems. He spotted Twilight scrabbling down the stairs. That was strange, she looked…
He started. Twilight had that expression again. The ‘we have to save Equestria from certain death’ one.
That, or it was ‘we ran out of quills again’. The behaviour was infuriatingly similar. Twilight scanned the chamber, spotted Spike with a reared head and beelined straight towards him.
“What’s wrong, Twi’?” His voice warbled in the large chamber of the castle grounds.
Twilight stumbled to a stop in front of the dragon, her antsy hooves unable to keep still as she regarded him with a look almost akin to pure unadulterated terror.
“This is bad, Spike,” she groaned. “Really bad.”
“Did you forget to order a book? Is Ponyville on fire? Are we under attack? No wait, Nightmare Moon has returned and we’re all going to get eaten alive?!”
Twilight stopped fidgeting and stared at Spike. It looked like his unorthodox inferences had temporarily derailed her thoughts.
“How the hay could any of those happen?” Twilight spluttered with a frown.
“What? They really could. Crazy things tend to happen around here.”
Finally, Twilight conceded the point with a dip of her head. Her gaze drifted out of focus. With the intensity of her concentration, the little dragon could almost see her weighing on a scale, in mid-air, of all of the potential disasters and comparing it to current situation at hoof. With a snap, Twilight savagely shook her head, the motion of it freeing a few mane strands, and she returned to her panicked state.
“No, I’m pretty sure this is worse than all of them combined,” she surmised.
Spike swallowed, his eyes widening apprehensively.
“W-What’s happening?” he squeaked, almost afraid of the answer.
Twilight hoofed over a letter wordlessly. Spike took it hesitantly. At least it wasn’t Princess-related.
To my favourite daughter,
It’s been such a long time since we’ve seen each other! I was getting worried that something might have happened, what with you disappearing off the grid and becoming a Princess. We know you like to make your own decisions and we respect that, goodness me, signing up to an exclusive school for gifted unicorns was something we were both proud to support! But I’d still like to keep in touch. I know, I know, I’m sure you’re busy with your studies and you’ve got your own life to live. Sometimes sending a letter once every half a year can get difficult. What would I know? I’m just your mother.
Spike tore his gaze away from the writing, the last few sentences slowly sinking in, his jaw dropping.
“Half a year?!” he spluttered.
“It was a busy year!” Twilight mumbled. Spike considered the statement. He cast his mind back over the year.
He accepted it with a diplomatic nod of his head. Then he glanced back at the letter.
“She doesn’t sound too happy,” he added in the ensuing silence. The letter had been pretty snippy.
Twilight clasped her hooves above her head, sinking to the floor with a pitiful moan.
“I knooow, but it gets worse…”
Spike returned his attention to the letter, quickly picking up where he left off.
Since you’re too busy to write us a letter, I’ve decided to give you a lovely surprise! The whole family is coming to visit! We thought it would be a good idea since there’s a lot of space in that shiny new castle of yours. Yes, I do happen to keep up with the news, I’m in Canterlot, not Appleloosa. I think it’s a lovely opportunity to get together. This time you can’t beg off with saving Equestria again and if there is a national crisis, let your friend Discord handle it, he’s such a sweetie. Your helpful mother has included a list of the guests that are to come. Don’t worry, it’s only a small family gathering, just immediate members. Be sure to hide any cider from your grandmother, you know how she gets when she sees it. I’ve sent the invitation to your best friend as well, she’s practically family. Oh, I do look forward to catching up with my daughter, particularly with any new and exciting developments that may or may not be life-altering. We’ve got to talk about the thing. Your brother’s already doing it, dear! Oh, but I’m so excited to finally see you again! I should end this letter before I run out of ink!
Best Wishes! See you soon!
Your Mom
P.S. Mind your mother, darling, I already went through my crisis. — Dad
Spike shook his head, they were just as eccentric as he remembered them. Wait, there was something else in the letter… He cocked his head.
“Best friend?” Spike queried.
Twilight pressed her head to the crystal floor of the castle.
“Moondancer? We’re not that close anymore!” Twilight moaned and pawed at the floor. “Ooooh, this is what I get for not putting my notes in the Cloud before the library exploded!”
Spike glanced at the gentle puffs of ‘clouds’ floating around the room. If he squinted, he could see the fine layers of white paper and text that made up the wispy structures of the gently levitating magical constructs. With a faint pulse and silvered glow, the clouds of textual matter converged above Twilight and seemed to grow… heavier.
“You know, Twi’, I don’t think these ‘Cloud’ things are ever going to take off. They seem so… transparent. Like anypony could read your notes.” He shrugged. “Besides, can’t only unicorns use them?”
“THE CLOUD IS THE FUTURE!” Twilight shot back. Spike cringed.
“Okay, yeesh!” He flapped the letter. Best not open that can of worms. “What are you going to do about the family reunion?”
Twilight jolted up, her ears perking.
“I know a spell!” she exclaimed, bolting across the room.
“Twilight, TWILIGHT! Hang on, stop! No.” Spike skidded across the room and blocked the doorway. Twilight tried to edge past him, but he folded his arms and stared the frantic alicorn down with hooded eyes.
“Come on, Twi’, why’s it so bad having them come over?”
Twilight bit her lip.
“It’s only a small spell,” she whined, eyes wide and pleading. Spike shook his head in response. It was obvious she was avoiding the question.
“Twilight,” he stated flatly. “The last time I heard you say that, the kitchen exploded.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “I don’t get it, cooking should be like chemistry, but with food! Why is it so hard?!”
Spike rubbed a weary claw over his face. Twilight was dodging the question.
“Twi—” he started, but the alicorn wilted, a moan interrupting the beginnings of a misgiving lecture.
“Oh I know, Spike! It’s just that… it’s just that…” She trailed off, a hoof tracing circles on the floor.
“Just what?”
“It’s just that Mom’s been getting this thing…”
“A thing?”
“Like all her recent letters have all been all about this… thing.”
“What thing?” Spike’s nose wrinkled in confusion.
Hooves flailed. “You know…” Twilight glanced around. “About things…”
Spike shrugged. “I don’t get it.”
Spike regarded Twilight as she worked her jaw, trying to frame her thoughts in a way that he would understand.
“The thing!” Twilight stressed. “I don’t know what this thing is, but she sounds serious!”
Spike blinked.
“Woah,” Spike replied. He blinked, trying hard to understand the implications Twilight was stressing… and failing miserably to come to the same conclusions. “Woah,” he repeated. He shook his head, giving the alicorn a curious look. “So, what’s the thing?”
Twilight’s right eyelid twitched. It should have been a warning sign, he should have backed out of the room right there.
“I mean you know what the thing is, right?”
A vein pulsed.
“No I don’t, Spike! I need to know what this thing is, it’s driving me crazy!”
“Calm down!” Spike exclaimed, his face full of Twilight’s snorting muzzle. He pushed it away with a claw. “Why don’t we approach this rationally?” Twilight was a logical mare. She’d calm down if she sat down and thought about it for a while… right?
Twilight nodded glumly, most of the steam taken out of her with the simple statement of reassurance. The dragon relaxed as she nodded.
“Right,” she said. “Rationally. Just gotta think about this logically.”
Spike smiled. That seemed to work. Twilight just needed to think things through—
“I know!” Twilight blurted. “I’ll just ask my friends! Surely they know what to do in this sort of situation?!”
Then again, Twilight tended to overthink things. Spike recognised the mad gleam seeping back into her eyes. She was going into panic mode again. He tried one more last ditch tactic. If he could get her talking, then maybe surreptitiously signal to Owlowiscious. He glanced at the perch and saw the owl fast asleep. Traitor. He took a breath. He was on his own.
“Listen, Twi’ I really think you should— woah! Hey!”
The remaining words were slammed back down his throat. With a jerk, the dragon found himself enveloped in Twilight’s magical aura. He plopped on Twilight’s back as she took off. It was all he could do to grab her mane as she charged through the double doors and out of the castle.
“It’ll be okay,” Twilight muttered more to herself, than to the dragon. “Applejack will know what to do. She’s got a big family… and a reunion…”
Spike was impeded from making a reply with each juddering knock of Twilight’s bony shoulder to his face. The successive blows were doing a really good job of scattering his already jumbled half-formed thoughts. One or two managed to get through and a general feeling was nagging the dragon. Spike couldn’t help but wonder if there was something he was supposed to mention to Twilight… He strained for a while but eventually gave up and mentally shrugged. If he couldn’t remember then it couldn’t be important, right?
I think the thing would be that your mother Twilight wants you to find your own Prince Charming and live happily ever after if you know what I mean, Just like Shining and Cadence.
Oh my goodness. I face palmed about a dozen times! Good job. Very fun to read.
I think the fuse of middle-age for Twilight Velvet has burned down to the line marked 'Grandfoals.'
Good luck, Twilight. And watch out for those tricky teaspoons.
Oh dear god, not the thing! Why did it have to be the thing?
I await more of this humorous development.
At least she won't mention that new guard pony named Flash Sentry.
I think I told you already, but I love the direction you're taking this so far!
This is what my face looked like when I saw that you had released it:
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The THING?! NOT THE THING!! NOOOOOOO!
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Twilight should ask Zhu Li, she knows what the thing is.
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Wife throwing!
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"Your little Spike Has eyes for a cute mare in Ponyville what have you been doing Twilight?"
Velvet wailed some more"Is Shining and Spike my only hope for grandfoals?"
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What is this "thing" Twilight mentions?
Well Twi, it could be worse. Shining and Cadance could be bringing along a certain guard and maybe Velvet will pester Spike about his love life, too (he's what, 13, 14?). At least you'll have your dad through all of this (one member of the Sparkle family has to be sane).
Let me know if you've met any nice
Jewish boysunicorn stallions recently. I don't have any grandfoals to talk about yet, you know....
I was joking
I've always thought of the Sparkles as a family of overbearing, loony spellblades with a habit of PMSing when mad.
I stopped reading at the "busy year" part. I mean Yes, first Winter with Tank was a continuity flub. What with there being two Winter Episodes after she got him before that episode. But I chalk that up to her having busy winters and unloading him on Flutters. But it makes no sense that all 90ish episodes takes place in one year.
But all of those events he rattled off, as taking place in one year is something to illogical. So sorry, it looks like it could be an awesome story. But I can't read this. But I'm not going to downvote it at least.
Edit:
Actually it really is impossible since Winter Wrap Up Happened before Rainbow Dash got Tank. Which makes all that happen in one year even more unlikely. What with Two Winters happening between Rainbow Dash being petless, and her having a pet.
Hmm, do I see the pot calling the kettle black?
Yeah, I believe I do. Like Twilight's mother pointed out, she lives in Canterlot, not Appleoosa - Canterlot which is in visible distance from ponyville. Physically visiting Twilight is faster than sending her a freaking letter via mail. So if she actually put any effort in to it, actually paying a visit to her daughter is something she could do on each and every holiday she has.
Oh certainly Twilight could have sent the letter as well, but that's no excuse for Twilight's mom not to visit, if contact with her daughter is so important to her.
5993142 To each their own. I admit I didn't do extremely thorough research, but it was just a very light hearted crack at an image that I found personally funny. The absurdity of the statement was meant to produce hyperbolic comedy, but I guess it could be construed as a serious plot point. In any case, I'm glad you gave it a try and I'm sorry it wasn't your cup of tea (I didn't think such an innocuous statement would produce such a reaction).
5994168 That's the beauty of a biased perspective, it's deliciously biased.
5994306
Honestly the comment came across as serious (as if all that did happen in a year). And Spike's usually the straight man to Twilight's neurosis (or vise versa when his more childish mindset comes to the surface) [which would have made it honestly funny. Or highlighted that it was hyperbole. Rather than a list of everything that ever happened. Heck even a partial list [with or without Rainbow Rocks] of S3-S4 [end] would have been believable. What with their delicious snarking at each other when they need it.
With him wracking his brain and seeing all that happening in a year. It just shattered the suspension of disbelief. Like Snowflake in a snowglobe factory [I refuse to use the name they gave him in canon]. So yeah, that's really one of three only things [well 96%] that'd get me to leave a fic I start. The first one is atrocious slaughter of the southern dialect. The second, improper dialog / paragraph structure or punctuation. Then lastly, things that shatter logical probability.
Still, while there's no problem with hyperbole. It's best to either keep it somewhat constrained to some level of probability (It was a busy year is vague, and funny. What hyperbole is, and leaving it up to the readers imagination.) Then either leaving Spikes recollection vague (Spike remembered all that happened this past year (for example)) before agreeing, or playing the straightman / snarker to her neurosis induced hyperbole. Would have been funny, and been reminiscent of the show.
But when you start listing everything that's happened as happening in a year (via remembering all that's happened) you strip from the comedic purpose of that statement. Turning Hyperbole into fact (since all those things end up shown as happening in a year. Rather than the exaggeration it was initially given as.). Which if you're going for that type of humor you never want to do. If you're using that type of humor either keep things vague by giving no facts, list of things / events, or giving a definite starting point. Or lampshade the hyperbole with one character with the other being one to technically "mean it", or at least further stretch credulity.
Honestly I'd say edit it. Or fix it. At least delete:
So it reads as:
See. Conveys the same thing, doesn't require extra writing. But doesn't detract from the Hyperbole, while taking it seriously InVerse.
Do you think you could make the above fix?
5994366 You make a very good point there. Looking back at it, it doesn't seem well-executed. Thanks for giving the feedback, I've made the fix.
5994418
You're welcome , and *squees* I'm going to get on this fic in about two hours (got a busy morning), but I look forward to reading it.
Well with the power of physics and nature breaking that Unicorn Magic can achieve these days, I'm sure she can find herself a good mare and still have grand babies. After all with the 750 ponies shown up to S3. 1.85 females were there per 1 male. So Mr. Right or Ms. Right probably doesn't make a difference.
Still, poor Twilight's mom hooking her up with Moon Dancer, everypony knows that Twilight got it on with Celestia after the latest Grand Galloping Gala [or G3 for short]. Good thing Celestia's coming to visit with a proverbial mountain of gems in which to distract Spike with so she can have some alone time with her recently ascended marefriend.
At first when I saw "honorary sister", I thought Sunset Shimmer was showing up for a visit to Equestria. Don't know why, it was just the first thought that popped into my head. But now I see it's Moondancer. An interesting plot this is. I'll be keeping an eye on this story, not yet adding it to my favorites though. I want to see how this goes on. But I'll still give you an upvote for this.
Plus, Luna and Celestia giving Spike a task to guard gems? I wonder what will happen with this side story.
5998940 Possibly in a few days!
Please continue.
Love this cant wait for more
Honorary sister? I was thinking Applejack.
This is glorious. I eagerly await the next update!
So far I love the concept and your brand of humor is very enjoyable. Have a few guesses of what you have in store for us, but can't be sure till we get more. Can't wait for the next chapter
6521302 Unfortunately, when time permits.
Looks like time permitted! Fun start, and poor Spike. Just generally, poor Spike.
Spike: the only one keeping gem inflation from decimating Equestrian economy.
5985578 win
I can only imagine the trouble if Twilight learns of molecular gastronomy.
Methinks Luna is surreptitiously attempting to dispose of a gem hoard while keeping some plausible deniability. That, or Canterlot nobles really are just that greedy.
Re-reading this before I read the latest chapter.
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Three words, "literal Confectionary Fission."
Velvet is a Jewish mother? Makes sense. Tara Strong did Yiddish Theater as a girl and Twi's Dad, Nightlight was originally Nachtlicht.
I guess the Sparkle family hails from Northwestern Germaney.
Sooo...you want to destroy evidence.
Alrighty then.
How the everlasting Tartarus does she know about Discord, especially enough to call him a "sweetie"?
...I thought his only friend was Fluttershy...
The fudge‽ She ain't got a special somepony! This isn't Non-Con either!