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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Stable Scout ch11 and ch12 are now live! Go enjoy!
This brings StSc up to the 1701st longest story on FiMfic.
If the OCs of this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
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You know, that's a question I never thought about.
Firefly is on the deeper end of the female spectrum. Pumpkin and Ivory are both higher pitched.
Damn it. Another wait for an update.
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Yeah, StSc has loads and loads of characters, and half of the party in this excursion are new faces!
Don't worry, though, that'll mostly normalize after the first act. Mostly. I think.
Chapter 13 is coming along slowly, probably be around the same time next month.
The beginning section, even assuming that it uses the same environment described in the previous chapter, is incomprehensible. This three-way intersection is given only one sentence worth of description, meaning that any context clues the reader is supposed to envision, such as "flagpole" and "adjacent roof," are ineffectual. In this minimalistic attempt to create hypertension and speed up pacing, cohesion in the unfolding narration is lost. Actions occur and characters speak, yet the reader will be hard-pressed to understand any of it - let alone imagine it.
This one receives the best characterization of all the new team members. The one line is enough to make her stand out among the other names. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Crescent, who received a POV last chapter and no memorable characterization.
While I appreciate the fact that Firefly handles the death with subtlety as expected of her character, I also feel as though there was no impact to Crescent's death. Partially, that is due to how forgettable that character was; mostly, the realization is too understated. Not enough is done with Firefly's POV in this scene to really make the reader empathize. The feeling of regret is not tangible.
Good detail to include as it leads right into the next line of dialogue.
The deduction in detail has stripped away context and cohesion, rather than streamline the narration. The diminishing narration has also caused several newly introduced characters to become names easily forgotten and uncharacterized. Though there are still moments of good subtle storytelling, the majority of the chapter has suffered from these two problems and other factors in consequence. My solution would be to reconsider the perspective from which you are writing this story. To see the text as an outside reader.
Good news:
StSc ch13 is basically entirely drafted and has now entered the editing stage.
Bad news:
I'm going to take a short hiatus after this, before pressing onto ch14, to get one of my non-FoE stories out.
Very bad news:
...Assuming I manage to find money to pay the landlady and don't end up living out of the back of a car. That would put a pretty big damper on my writing in general.
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~makes notes~
Your feedback will go towards making ch13 better. Also, I'm adding ch11 and 12 to my list of "in dire need of revision", next to chapter 06.
Ahh, now I see what that seemingly long-ago conversation produced. Well played, I like the set up, and very much enjoyed your take on a hasty ambush scenario. Showed enough know-how for them to be competent, but enough mistakes to point out that they still aren't professionals.
That said, I'm not sure how much was by design, but that segment came off as incredibly chaotic to read. I'm actually torn, because from a writing standpoint it was a literary mess, but reading it kinda felt like the sort of narrowing of consciousness that adrenaline high can potentially bring on. Looking back, I'm still not sure how I feel about it, precisely. I wouldn't have advised using that style, but I actually got a decent kick out of reading it. The Amateur earlier picked on this one sufficiently, so that's all I've got to add there, ditto for Crescent's character. Would like to add that at the very least, elaborating on her actual cause of death - as well as why her pipbuck fell off (especially if it ends up having an impact, the Raiders possibly having it and all - if it doesn't, it might be something a bit too complicated to explain for no long term impact) would be a sorely needed aspect of this whole thing, and lend some tangibility to her as a character, even in death.
Definitely looking forwards to seeing more of 'Fly's half-sister as things go on.
Rather blunt with Dashie last chapter though. Believable situation, entirely in-character, just that I'm in his corner and... ouch. Gonna need some ice for that one.
poor Crescent. sometimes we forget that not all companions make it out of our skirmishes alive. in video games we can use revival items/ spells or just return to the last save. in stories this is rarely an option. this will probably not help morale amongst potential volunteers for this venture. frankly, the fact all six ponies made it back alive and relatively unharmed from the first mission was quite remarkable but as stable ponies they won't know that.