5 - Don't Make Promises Somepony Else Can't Keep
Chapter 5: Don't Make Promises Somepony Else Can't Keep
Hup put on a dress. It was lovely. He caught himself in the mirror with the dress and thought it was pretty. He caught himself thinking about that and wondered if that was the appropriate reaction in this situation. Of course it wasn’t. Nothing in this situation was normal. In fact, he was about to be thrust into the centre of Equestrian politics with barely a day’s worth of training under his proverbial belt and he couldn’t simply run away because he was caught between the implacable vices of two royal figures who couldn’t take no for an answer.
While Chrysalis was conventionally frightening, Celestia had this deep seated confidence that stemmed from experience as ancient, as it seemed, as the land itself. Arguing with her was as pointless as arguing with a mountain, and violence would only result in getting yourself hurt. Hup knew this because he had tried. Frustrated with his lessons on etiquette, he had thrown the heavy book at the door, which happened to have just opened as soon as Celestia was stepping in.
Celestia’s quick reflexes saved her, she deflected the book… right back at Hup, who copped the book straight to his face. Though Celestia deeply apologised for deflecting the book back at him, he knew it was all a ruse. The crafty pony princess was waiting for him to drop his guard, he was sure of it. Though she did look mildly guilty at the time…
No! It was all part of her plan, he was sure of it. Princess Celestia had shown that she was a master manipulator of ponies, and he was trapped under the tender mercy of her blackmailing hoof. All he could do was hope for the best and perhaps extract some information that could be used to save him from Chrysalis’ wrath.
There was a gentle knock on the door.
“Princess? Are you ready?”
Hup sighed inwardly, but replied anyway.
“Yes, do come in, Raven.”
A white unicorn sporting thick-rimmed glasses and a clipboard entered through the chamber doors. She slowed briefly as she took in Hup and then smiled brightly.
“Princess, you’re wearing that dress!”
Hup was confused, but didn’t show it. “The dress?”
Raven circled around Hup, eyes sparkling. “The dress you said you would never wear because it was too uncomfortable! Oh what a delight!”
Hup stiffened slightly. It had taken almost half an hour to get the dress on, even with the assistance of magic. Celestia had looked savagely pleased when he was wearing it, almost to the point of breaking into laughter. He could almost hear her choke back the giggle as she flew away when dawn arrived.
“Yes…” He forced a smile. “You probably will not see me in this outfit again.”
“Certainly not! Once the Court sees you in this dress, no doubt many an eye will be turned, as will many suitors.”
Hup choked back a cry of surprise. “W-What? Suitors.”
“Certainly,” Raven replied with a frown, “as per the ancient Equestrian laws, suitors may approach the Princess with a request of a hoof in marriage whenever she dons a dress. I’ve always assumed that was why you disliked the Gala, which by law requires a dress for the occasion.”
Hup’s smile was frozen on his lips.
She set me up! Again!
“Though I don’t believe you’ve ever told me you disliked wearing dresses, only that you disliked suitors.” She flicked a hoof. “Well now, onto other matters.”
No, no, go back to the suitors business!
“Maybe I should—”
“Certainly not,” Raven chided. “You are already late for Court, Princess. Honestly, you do this every morning! Do you not get tired of wheedling your way out of Court?” Raven took a deep breath. “I know you only do this when we’re alone and there’s nopony around, but please, think about the ponies and their expectations. It would crush them to see the Princess reluctant to see them.”
Caught in the sight of a teary-eyed mare, Hup could only nod.
Raven brightened instantly. “Brilliant, Princess! Now, onto Court.”
It was only a few seconds after Raven opened the door and ushered him out, that Hup realised he’d been duped.
Oh well, it’ll only be for a short while, I’m sure Princess Celestia will be coming back. She wouldn’t leave her kingdom all alone, would she?
———————
Hup sat, uncomfortably he might add, on the throne of Canterlot. The Court officials and various ponies of rank and nobility were arranged in an orderly array of what appeared to be rank. Well, if anything, the more flamboyantly dressed nobles were arranged in the front and the more plainly-clothed officials stood around the back.
“The first order of business,” Raven called out. “Ruling of subsection C.190e, the clause pertaining to the allotment of land centred around districts with overlapping zones.”
Raven lifted a heavy document and placed it in front of Hup. “As agreed in the last meeting, Brown Miller and Silver Bit have made amendments to the legislature as you have recommended, Princess.”
A brown-coated pony and a silver-coated one stepped forward, eyes sparkling and smiles wide. To most ponies, these two looked genuine, but something about them tipped Hup off. He knew if a smile was fake, he’d been practising most of his life. There must be something wrong with the document.
“Uhh…” Hup tried to make out the mess of letters, legalese and figures that seemed to be packed into writing that only an ant would comfortably read. If it had a magnifying glass. With a microscope. And perfect prescriptive glasses. Hup flicked through the document half-heartedly.
Raven cleared her throat, trying to indicate that there was a long list of items on the agenda. “Is something not to your satisfaction, Princess?”
I should delay it. Or maybe get somepony else to look at it.
“Have the… Treasury look at the file,” he hazarded.
“What?” Raven cocked her head. “Not the Zoning Council?”
Hup almost smacked himself in the forehead, instead he settled for doing it mentally.
A Princess is always right, even when she’s wrong. Princess Celestia had mentioned.
“Yes, I sense… a discrepancy.”
Raven frowned. “May I see the document, Princess?” She scanned the document as the Court fell to silence.
As she flicked through the numbers, the two in the front were beginning to look increasingly agitated, only further cementing his suspicions.
“Dear Celestia…”
“Hmm?” Hup then realised she wasn’t addressing him and was merely surprised.
Raven reddened from the embarrassing invocation of Celestia in front of Celestia.
“M-My apologies Princess, I was just… you’re right. There was a discrepancy in the numbers on the fiscal valuations in the properties, there’s some odd assets listed in the exemption clause.” She cleared her throat. “It appears that the two ponies in front of us was trying to gouge the Treasury for extra bits using a deflated valuation.”
Mutters spread throughout the court.
In plain speak, please!
“Princess, knowingly defrauding the Royal Treasury carries a term of ten years. Defrauding in a proposal to the Princess carries a heavier penalty.”
Hup was morbidly curious. “And what would that be?”
Raven glanced at the rest of the Court, as if afraid to say the answer.
She swallowed audibly.
“Banishment.”
Aghast gasps and dramatic sighs filled the Court at Raven’s pronouncement. Raven immediately moved to quell the unease.
“The Princess wouldn’t—”
“That seems fair enough.” Hup spoke in a mild voice, trying to channel the calm poise of his inner Celestia.
Jaws dropped.
He looked around at the myriad expressions ranging from shock to fear bordering on panic. “Is something wrong?”
“P-Princess!” Raven stammered. “Are you serious?”
Hup didn’t know what the fuss was about. Lying to a changeling Queen—in this case the equivalent would be the Princess—was a punishment deserving of banishment. There was a niggling feeling that perhaps he was doing something wrong, but he couldn’t put his hoof on it.
“Princess, we promise we won’t do it again!” Brown cried.
“Have mercy, Princess! I don’t want to be separated from my family!” Silver added.
Hup cocked his head. “You both had families?”
They nodded.
“Then why would you do something so risky?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time…” Silver admitted, he seemed at a loss of words.
“Well, I don’t think we’ll banish you…?” He glanced at Raven who nodded vigorously. “…this time.” Brown and Silver stiffened. “So let’s leave it at that.”
“Yes, Princess,” they both said, bowing their heads low. The relief radiating from them was almost palatable. As he waved his hoof in dismissal, the two scurried out as if their tails had caught fire.
“You weren’t really thinking of banishing the two, were you, Princess?” The sentence hovered between query and statement as if Raven were reevaluating her whole perspective based upon her answer.
“No…?” Hup replied, feeling a little lost. After all, he’d done what any changeling Queen—
Wait. How could he have been so stupid? Of course they would react like that, he’d never considered that ruling would differ between species!
“No,” Hup repeated more firmly. “Of course not.”
Raven heaved a sigh of relief. “Yes, of course, I knew that.” She wiped away the patina of sweat that had built up over the course of the ordeal. “But your act was certainly convincing, I doubt they’d try anything in the next meeting, let alone their lifetime.”
“Yes, completely an act,” Hup affirmed as he swallowed. That was a close one. “In any case, I don’t think I should do that again. We should amend the laws regarding that…”
Raven beamed. “Good idea, Princess, we’ll get right on it!”
Raven drew up the list, checking off the first item. “We should, uhm, move on.”
Hup nodded, eager to do better with the next item on the list.
“Open Court, petitions for the Princess.”
Shouldn’t be too hard.
—————
“…And that is why I believe I am the perfect candidate for the Princess.”
Hup blinked at the pony. By pony standards he supposed he looked fine, physically. He had a nice build, good teeth, eyes that looked like they sparkled under the light, a good grasp of politics (at least more than Hup had, which wouldn’t be hard), he seemed competent enough. But…
“You’re my nephew, right?”
“Details. A formality. You call anypony that you have granted a title to your nephew or niece. As an Equestrian citizen, I have the right to propose.” He twirled a rose between his teeth in an amazing show of oral dexterity that looked simultaneously impressive and repulsive at the same time. Hup wondered how he was able to speak around the rose.
“I’ll… consider it.”
“Really?!”
Hup nodded wearily. Not one, or two, or ten suitors had approached, but over a hundred of potential suitors had come to sue for his hoof in marriage. Throughout the tiresome proceedings, Hup wondered darkly how each would react if he chose to reveal himself. He’d do it just to see them choke on their own spit if he could get away with it. Sadly, it seemed, his life depended on faithfully carrying out this sham of a deception.
Blueblood’s intense gaze was making him feel uncomfortable.
“Yes, just ask about it later,” Hup replied with a huff. “I’ll give you your answer later.”
“Thank you, Princess.”
Hup gave Raven a look that was borderline pleading. Raven smiled, but followed protocol nevertheless, much to Hup’s dismay.
“Are there any more petitions for the Princess?” Nopony else was forthcoming. Raven cleared her throat. “Then Day Court is adjourned.” She nodded to the guards, who slowly opened the imposing double doors of the massive throne room.
Blueblood bowed, leaving with the rest of the ponies that shuffled out.
As the Court ended, Hup heaved a sigh of relief. It was tedious, but it beat falling out of a waterfall or sneaking around the edges of the Swarm, hoping to avoid the scorn of his fellow changelings.
“Now, Princess, onto other matters…”
Hup groaned. “There’s more?”
“Excuse me?”
Hup straightened, clearing his throat. “I mean, there’s more to do. We should get right to it.”
Raven grinned. “Your patience always impresses me, Princess.”
Hup gritted his teeth, showing a toothy smile. “Of course, happy to help.”
What the heck am I doing here?!
“First up on the list, visiting the hospital, they’re opening a new ward. Then, a visit to Ponyville, there’s a short meeting with your former pupil. Finally, we need to talk about what to do with the Treasury.”
Hup froze. “What about the Treasury, is something wrong?”
“Yes, they’re complaining in there, there’s been a mess up with the budget.”
Hup frowned. If they didn’t have enough bits to cover expenditure, then the government might have to look into borrowing money from the private sector to cover losses. He almost chuckled. Some of the basic ideas stuck in his short crash course in governance.
“We have too much money.”
What?
Raven cleared her throat. “The Treasury sincerely apologises, Princess. They missed a seven was mistakenly recorded as a one in the final report. We have over eighty-million bits available.”
Hup choked back his surprise, his eyes bulging in their sockets.
“That was my reaction too, Princess.” She cleared her throat. “It was found moments after you ordered a review of the boundary taxation laws, which prompted a review of the budget. Twenty-million bits in revenue was generated from the law amendment, with the rest coming from the mistaken scribing. Now there’s an abundance of funds to be allocated, not to mention we’re already running in surplus.”
Hup finally found his voice. “Are there any recommendations for its use?”
Raven rolled her eyes skywards. “Hundreds. You know how these ponies are. Each want an extra boost for their department, but everypony knows that taking a portion of the pot means that there won’t be enough to go around. Somepony always loses out.”
Hup nodded, it made sense. But how was he going to spend all that money? More importantly, this was a situation that would impact a lot of lives. If he screwed up, then Celestia would likely fry him to a crisp.
“When does this have to be dealt with?”
“If we reach quorum for the House of Nobles, then probably in the next few days.”
“How likely is that we reach quorum?”
“Since it’s tradition, they haven’t missed a meeting since Luna’s banishment—forgive me for saying so.”
“Pay it no heed.” Hup didn’t either.
Raven bowed head gratefully. “Thank you, Princess.”
“So,” Hup said with a sigh, “I’ll decide what to do with the money at a slightly later date. For now, where are we going? The hospital?”
“Yes, Princess.”
———————
“We give you, Princess Celestia’s Paediatric Ward!” The Chief of Medicine, a dazzling mare with an equally dazzling smile, gestured towards the sign with a flourish. The gathered ponies ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ at the presentation as Hup stood somewhat stiffly on the platform. She had passed the other wards in the hospital, all with variations in the name, but with one common theme.
They all had ‘Celestia’ or ‘Celestial’ on their name.
Even the morgue was called the Royal Celestial Morgue.
Hup’s smile was somewhat forced. He was starting to see why Princess Celestia was so desperate for a holiday.
———————
Hup sagged inside the bathroom, having excused himself from the hospital’s garden party. The last couple of hours was mind-numbing, and it even beat some of the boredom he had experienced when listening to potential suitors. Most of the ponies he talked to were concerned about themselves. ‘Oh would you help me out with this?’, ‘By the way, a small favour if you have a moment to spare…’, or ‘A small request, if that’s not too presumptuous…’.
Being so exhausted, Hup nearly agreed to whatever it was they demanded, but instead politely kept himself neutral. Being polite, though, in the face of the implacably persistent party attendees, was wearing to the very core of his soul. He would much rather go through changeling combat camp than another one of those parties.
Then there were the foals.
They clamoured around him, asking so many questions, like, ‘why is the sky blue’, ‘how come your hair does that’, and other apparently simple questions that Hup didn’t know. He was sure he’d be found out when asked about the hair, but apparently nopony else knew either, so feigning ignorance was probably the best move. Still, all the ponies had the same strand of adoration and praise that made Hup feel a little special, even though it was because of his guise, rather than himself, and even though he had done practically nothing.
He felt guilty feeling good, because it somehow felt like a betrayal to his own kind.
He stared at the image of Celestia in the mirror. The eyes staring back were bloodshot and listless, and though the hair was floating blissfully in the aether-wind, the colours seemed to be slightly faded. Of course this was not the appearance he showed the ponies, but when he was alone, in this bathroom, he had allowed himself a moment of relaxation. Being the boss was exhausting. He worked up a little sympathy for his Queen. But still…
“Simple job my hoof,” Hup said darkly to himself.
“Having trouble?” the mirror said back to him.
“Oh you would not believe—eek!”
He stumbled back, staring at the image of a grinning Celestia in the mirror.
“You’re in the mirror!”
“No, I’m at the beach.” Behind the alicorn was a wide blue sky and a picturesque sandy cove with the sound of ocean waves crashing onto the shore in the background.
“Checking up on me?” Hup replied sullenly. “Worried I might have broken down already so you’d have to send me back as a traitor?” For a moment, he thought he saw a flash of guilt on her face, but it went away so quickly that it must have been his imagination. It seemed like all royalty was out to make his life miserable.
“Well, yes and no. I was getting bored looking at the clouds that I thought I would check-in. Give you some advice.”
“A-Advice?” he spluttered. Then as the concept sunk in, he scrambled to the sink and clutched the edges of the mirror in desperation. “Yes, I need advice! I need to spend eighty-million bits!”
Celestia stared at him.
“What.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.038 seconds
Total duration
1,024 users online
1,941,759 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
80 million? thats it, chump change!
Good as always.
lol keep it coming so i know when a new chaptet comes after i fav this story.
If I was him, I'd have been tempted to accept Blueblood's proposal.
Spending on infrastructure is always a wise decision.
*A mad scientist pony named Helix Splice sliiiiiiides up to Huplestia* I require 80 million bits for the completion of Operation Bug Zapper, Princess.
*Huplesita erms* Operation Bug Zapper?
*Helix side-glances and leans in* The secret Not-So-Bright Ops bioweapon to eliminate the cherngelerngs.
*Huplestia backpedals off the throne in shock! Clearly the diabolical evil of the ponies knew no bounds!*
I effing love this. XD
Why does weirdness need a t rating?
And Celestia realizes she just hired a Sancho Panza.
Yay! It's back!
Not read yet, but in my 'must read' pile. The premise is just too adorable to say no to.
Pull a Futurama!Nixon and divide the 80 million evenly between all of the citizens.
7454429 And from 'must read' to 'read and eagerly awaiting more'. This is delightful and glorious little story; I keep hitting thumbs up, but it only counts it once.
I had a similar plot in an ongoing story of my own, where Celestia and Luna take some time off on a holiday, only to return to find of the two changelings they had put in their place for the duration, the one replacing Celestia was grossly overweight. Apparently everypony loved Celestia, and it was impossible for the changeling to resist eating it all. The constant snacking on cheesecake didn't help either!
Why don't they just use the money to pay off any debt they might have?
I notice there was no mention to Celestia in regards to Blueblood's proposal.
This entire fic.
7452950 My thoughts as well. When Celestia returns, she'll find she's married to Blueblood
7454719 they're to quote "running in surplus" which means they don't have debt. Imagine the time when Bill Clinton was president, and that's what it's like.
7465310 No, it means that they're not running a deficit. It doesn't mean they don't have debts.
7465401 yeah but if your running in surplus for a while than your probably not in debt. All I was saying was because it's utopia equestria then any debt they did aquer was payed off revenu. Which left surplus to spend
s2.quickmeme.com/img/80/8036d366c38899cf6fe01fc119a8771e74b7429019c3a23c05423b4535e6b5b7.jpg
Bring me another.
Too bad he's not a trickster at heart.
Hup: Well, Your Highness. You're engaged.
Celestia: What?
Hup: Seven times, actually.
Celestia: What?
Hup: But I'm going to have them battle for your hoof in marriage on the castle lawn tomorrow, so we should have them thinned out to one or two by the time you get back.
Celestia: What?
Hup: And if you wind up with a spare, Luna volunteered to take him off your hooves. Unless it's Blueblood.
Should have mentioned all the suitors and that he was considering the odd mare or two that actually proposed to make Celestia run back.
7498051 This needs to be a thing.
Stumbled on this one by accident, and omg I love it XD Can't wait to see an update soonish.
Update please?
Sounds like fun.
Holy crap I just about died laughing at this
My reaction exactly