A Busman's Holiday

by Parchment_Scroll

Stealing the Moon

A Busman's Holiday
Stealing the Moon
In which Deft Hoof is accused of being a foalnapper twice in one night.

I'll be honest with you here -- ha! Imagine that! -- Princess Cadance could be the nicest, bestest pony in all of Equestria, and I would never know. I spent the entire meal trying to puzzle out what it was Shining Armor knew that I didn't. She probably got a lousy impression of her husband's weird friend, but it's too late to change that first impression now.

What broke me out of my funk was the sight of a familiar face in this part of town. A little sneak known as Short Shanks was making off with a sandwich from the display case atop the counter. Apart from two things, his performance was impeccable. Unfortunately, he'd picked a time of day when the only possible suspects were him, the Captain of the Guard, his Princess wife, and their guest. (Of course, I'd be a great suspect if it weren't for the company I was keeping at the time.) The other problem was that he'd picked an item on prominent display.

He ducked out before the waitress turned back around. I got up to follow him, maybe give him a few pointers or at least a piece of my mind, until I saw what she did. She smiled slyly, picked up the tray the sandwich had been on, and trotted back to the kitchen as though nothing had happened. He wasn't robbing her. She was feeding him on the sly.

I grinned.

Shining Armor saw the look on my face. "What's up, buddy?"

I nodded at the waitress. "I got me a new contact," I said. "And she's legit, too! You know how few of those I have?"

"Um, three," he said. "Unless you got one while I was gone. Anyway, you're not supposed to be making more work for yourself, you're supposed to be finding someone to fill in while you're gone!"

My grin widened. "I got an idea about that, too," I said. "First thing's first, though. I gotta go network."

He followed my gaze to the waitress. "What, with Salad? You don't want her as a contact, Defty. She's totally on the up-and-up."

I nodded. "She's honest, all right," I admitted. "But she's sneaky! I like her! Introduce us! Introduce us nooooow!" I got behind the Captain of the Guard and started shoving him with my head. Finally, he relented and led me over to where the unicorn mare was busing a table.

"Excuse me," he said, "Miss Sandwich?"

She smiled. "Yes, Shining Armor, is everything to your liking?"

"Oh, no, the food is excellent! This is about something else. My friend here," he said with a nod to me, "wants to talk to you about an opportunity to help the Royal Guard keep the city of Canterlot safe."

She shrugged. "I'm not sure I can help - unless it's with keeping their bellies full!" Then she broke into a good-natured laugh, and I decided I really liked her.

I grinned. "Oh," I said, "it's no sandwich shortage, but you're in a perfect position to help."

"Oh?" Her curiosity was piqued, I could see, but she was no mark. "How so?"

"Easy!" I said. "Let's start by talking about that colt who left just now."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "What about him? The poor foal's just some hungry kid with too much pride to take a bit of charity."

I laughed. "Not too much pride," I said. "Do you think he doesn't know you're leaving those sandwiches out on purpose?"

She smirked at me knowingly. "Of course he knows I'm doing it on purpose," she said. "That or he's got a terrible memory for prices; every so often when he comes in and actually orders like a normal customer, for some reason he always ends up paying me too much."

"Oh, excellent," I said. I'd figured Shorty for the sort of pony who didn't like stealing despite being good at it. "Miss Sandwich, have you ever heard of a pony called Deft Hoof?"

"Isn't he supposed to be some kind of thief?"

I nodded. "The best thief in Equestria," I said with pride.

"Toot toot," Shiny said under his breath. Okay, so maybe I was tooting my own horn a bit. But I never get to make this pitch, and I always wanted to.

She laughed. "Are you saying that little foal is the infamous Deft Hoof?"

"What?" I shook my head. "Wait, I lost hold of the conversation there. No, I'm Deft Hoof."

She laughed even louder. Behind me, however, Princess Cadance gasped. Oops. I'd assumed Shiny had told his wife who their dinner guest was. My bad.

"Wait, wait, wait," she said. "You want me to believe that Deft Hoof, the infamous burglar, is friends with Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard? And you're him." She laughed again. "Sure, and I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie."

"This is not going the way I expected it to," I confessed. "Shiny, help me out here."

He grinned. "Hay, you're the one who wanted to take her into the fold, here."

"Please?"

His grin turned into a laugh. "All right! All right! Enough with the puppy-dog eyes already!" Sobering his expression, he turned to her. "This is, indeed, Deft Hoof the thief. This is all really very classified, and I don't know why he decided to include you in it..."

"I told you," I said. "She's sneaky."

"...but he's an agent of the Crowns. The thief stuff is just a cover."

Now it was my turn to get indignant. "I beg your pardon," I said. "I am too a great thief. I just happen to be a great thief in the employ of the Princess."

"That would be Princess Luna," he explained. "Deft, this is a really bad idea. Miss, nevermind. This was a badly thought out joke, and my friend has had entirely too much sugar today. Forget you ever saw him. He's not Deft Hoof. His name is--"

"Don't you dare!" I rounded on him. "I swear, if your mouth so much as forms an 'O' I am going Trottingham Rules on you in a heartbeat." I turned back to the unicorn. "Don't listen to Shiny. He's a worry-wart. Look, I'm going out of town, and I need a reliable pony to help keep an eye on the Canterlot underworld."

She looked nonplussed. "Me?"

I shook my head. "No. Short Shanks. But I need a way to get him into the castle on a moment's notice."

She frowned. "Me?"

"Yes."

"Mister," she said. "I make sandwiches. I mean, they're good sandwiches..."

"No no no," I said. "You misunderstand. I need you to do something you probably won't like, but trust me. Has Shorty ever messed up grabbing those sandwiches?"

She shook her head. "Messed up?"

"Made any noise, done it when he knew you were looking, that sort of thing."

"No," she said. "I'm sure he knows I know it's him doing it, though."

"Beside the point," I said. "What I need is, if he ever comes in and just completely blows it like that, you raise a fuss and call the guards."

Shining Armor nodded. "Normally, we leave it up to Deft here to get himself caught, but I see what he's going at here. It's better if the colt has a place he knows he can safely make contact. You call us, we'll make a big show of hauling him off, and then he can report in to the Princess."

"Exactly," I said. I looked at Miss Sandwich. "What do you say? Are you in?"

She started thinking it over, and I started getting itchy. "Shiny, do me a favor. Talk to her, please. I've got to go catch Short Shanks."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll talk to her. But it's still her decision."

I grinned. "Great!" I said, before reaching back with my teeth and peeling off my fake cutie marks - which I never bothered to look at, sadly. Somepony had worked really hard on them, too, I could tell. "Mm gunn go cash Shor'ee!" I dropped the stickers and headed for the door, so I only heard a snippet of the conversation that followed.

"Was that colt flirting with me?" Miss Sandwich asked. I was half tempted to turn back and answer, but, frankly, I wasn't sure myself.

"What a horrible thought," Shining Armor said, and I could hear the frown in his voice. The door closed behind me before I could voice an objection.

---

"Oi!" I shouted. "Shorty!" I'd caught up to him in a derelict textile mill... one of the Crowns' hidden charities, actually, a tradition Princess Celestia started and Princess Luna continued. It was well-hidden that it was a Crown property, and as such would never be purchased by a developer. It would not reopen, and it wouldn't be torn down untless it became unsafe for the street foals who sheltered in it.

"Choo want, eh, Big Shot?" He was gruff, as a lot of street foals are, and he spoke with a Trottingham accent. Both of these things could be liabilities, making him stick out on the streets of Canterlot.

"Big Shot?" I frowned. I have enough names, thankyouverymuch, I thought.

"Yeh. All the ponies say yer the bes' dip in Canterlot."

I grinned. "I'll pull a duster's pinfeathers while kissing the dog," I bragged. I spend as much time around thieves as around "normal" ponies, so it's easy for me to slip into and out of street lingo. For the uninitiated, which I assume you are if you're reading this, a "duster" is a "featherduster": a pegasus guard (so called because they have feathers and they clean up the streets). A "dip" is a pickpack. It can also mean the act of pickpacking, as in "nice dip, mate!" A "pull" is the same thing as a "dip" except it only refers to the action, not the pony. "Kissing the dog" means face-to-face. And a pinfeather is one of those big fea-- oh, Tartarus, if you don't know what a pinfeather is, ask a pegasus. They'll laugh at you and then use theirs to make an obscene gesture, but you get the point.

See? Hanging with the wrong crowd can be educational!

"And them never the wiser, eh?" He returned my grin. "Wot brings yer ta Lost Town anyway?"

Lost Town? When I lived there, we called it Pirates' Cove. "Looking for you, kiddo," I said. "Anywhere we can talk?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. Street ponies are suspicious, even of each other. Especially foals. "We c'n talk here," he said. "T'ain't anypony listenin'."

"Oi," I said sharply. "Don't you try that with me, mate. There's three ponies hangin' on our every word right now."

He got in my face about it, which, frankly, is just good survival skills. On his turf, with his Family there, he had to let me know where the line was drawn. "Anything yer wanna say ta me, y'kin say in fronta the Colts."

I blinked. That his little Family had a name wasn't surprising, but it had to be more than just that. "The 'Colts'?"

"Aye," he said. "Me an' me chums, we're the Lost Colts. Yanno, like in that book with the pirates an' all."

"Oh, so you can read? A lot of streeties your age can't. That's great!" Even some of the older ponies were illiterate, especially if they'd been on the streets from when they were blank-flanks like Shorty.

"'Course I can read, I'm a pony, aren't I?"

I chuckled. "Right," I said. "Seriously, though. I want to talk, just you and me. It's Business."

He perked up. "Big Business?"

I grinned. "The biggest." And how! "But it's a delicate job. I need a good dip who can keep his head down and blend in. And keep a button on his muzzle."

His eyes narrowed speculatively. He was going to try to play it cool, but I knew I had him hooked. Frankly, he was a lot like me as a foal, though I hadn't hit the streets until I was a bit older. "All right," he said. "We'll go down the Sleeping Filly. Nice and quiet behind there, this time o' night. Fillyfoolers won't be back 'ome fer hours."

I choked. There was a gang called the Fillyfoolers? I wondered if they knew what that meant. Probably. Street foals grow up quick. Whereas I never did. Still, the Sleeping Filly was a good spot for me: it was more than halfway to Canterlot castle, which was where I wanted to go. He'd probably picked it because, as a foal, if something happened, he could count on the Guard coming to his defense. Wily little colt.

I agreed, and we set off. I was trying to figure out a way to contact Shiny without spooking the kid when a bit of fortuitous timing solved the problem for me.

"Feather up," Shorty muttered. I hardly needed the warning. I'd seen the pegasus guard a couple of seconds earlier. Shorty tensed up, preparing to gallop if need be. It was a reaction he'd have to learn to school better if he was going to succeed.

"Yeah, I see her," I said. "Ease up, lad. We're just a couple of ponies out for an after-dinner stroll."

He almost gaped, but got control of himself quickly. "That's a mare?" he whispered. "Bloody Tartarus, she's bigger'n most blokes I know!"

Indeed she was. I knew her - or at least recognized her - even if I didn't know her name. As a member of the Night Guard, she knew me as well. The way she was scanning the streets, and moving around on hoof, I realized she was looking for somepony. At first I hoped it was me. Then her eyes found mine, and she smiled, and I had to resist the urge to grin back at her. I twitched my eyes towards Shorty, and she followed my lead, the smile turning into a condescending smirk as she trotted over to intercept us.

"Evening, Ma'am," I drawled.

"Well, well," she said. "Dabbling in foalnapping now, too?"

I laughed off the comment. "What, him? He's Family. Isn't that right, Shorty?"

Shorty nodded, but didn't dare say anything in front of a guard. Street ponies tend to get that way. Another habit I'd have to break.

"Word is," she said, "you've got a little job planned." Shining Armor said you were recruiting a foal. She was doing beautifully. She was trusting the keywords to do their job without overemphasizing them. A lot of ponies passing code tend to lean on it a bit hard. They may as well tack "nudge nudge, wink wink" on the end of every sentence. This guard was just talking. And here I'd had her pegged as yet another overeager musclehead. Trust Shiny to find a reliable guard on short notice.

"No jobs, Ma'am," I said. "I'm a changed stallion, trotting the straight and narrow." Not yet. This is the kid, but he's not an insider.

She laughed, getting into the part of the big guardpony bullying a known scumbag. "Well, I've got a message from Shining Armor himself. He says if you set one hoof out of line, you'll be locked up by dawn." Verbatim message from Shining Armor, the first part meant, as opposed to a strictly coded one. Those are trickier - they don't use specific keywords, just prior knowledge of the situation. Shiny didn't need to remind me I had a deadline, but thanks anyway.

I smirked. "Well, you tell him from me I'll be seeing him around." If she got the message to him fast enough, he'd probably beat me to the castle's scrying chamber.

She snorted angrily, then brushed past me, shouldering me aside roughly. Gold star material, definitely.

Shorty whistled as soon as she was around the corner. "Wow," he said. "When she came up, I was ready to scarper." I'd noticed. "But you just... and she... and then you..." He laughed nervously. "And she was bloody huge! Bigger than you, even!"

I didn't want to shatter the larger-than-life image he'd built up of me by pointing out that, in fact, most mares top me by an inch. Instead, grinning, I lifted up the prize I'd gotten from that encounter apart from the messages sent and received: a single, snowy-white feather. He let out a startled half-laugh, half-gasp. If he hadn't noticed she was just about to start molting, I certainly wasn't going to tell him. Tucking the feather behind his ear, I led the way towards the palace, confident he'd follow me without needing to talk behind the Sleeping Filly Inn.

---

"Okay," Shining Armor said as I slipped into the scrying chamber. "I got the message, and I'm here. Now what are we doing?"

I grinned at him. "It's an ancient and sacred tradition called Stealing the Moon," I said. "And this will be the first time it's been done properly since the revolt of Nightmare Moon a thousand years ago."

"Go on," he said.

"Right, well, how it works is that when the Eye of the Moon wants to take an apprentice, he sets them a task: steal something from the throne room while the Princess is there. Traditionally, the item stolen is Princess Luna's crown, but while she was... um... unavailable... substitutions were made."

He laughed. "You expect that little foal to steal Princess Luna's crown and get away with it? While Night Court is in session?"

"It's traditon," I said. "Anyway, no. Only one pony ever succeeded and got back out again. It's more a way of demonstrating his skills to the Princess, and giving her a chance to introduce herself."

"This is the part where you tell me you're the only one ever to pull it off," he said. "What did you steal? I mean, since you were already Eye by the time I made Captain, you must have done this before the Princess returned." While he spoke, Shiny set the largest crystal ball to monitor the throne room, so we could watch the trial. I briefly wondered if my mentor had been watching my own attempt. I assume he was, which, frankly, is a bit embarrassing.

"I only made it as far as the door before the alarm" -- a little filly's wailing -- "was raised. No, the pony who pulled it off did it with the real thing. Actually, he was the first Eye. When he stole her crown, it was just to prove it was possible, and that she needed a thief in the Court to protect it against that sort of thing."

"So what did you steal?"

"Oh, look! Shorty made it into the throne room. The clever little fellow's put on a page's uniform. Great way for a colt to go unnoticed around the castle."

"Defty," Shiny said, "why aren't you answering me?"

"What?" I said. "I told you, I barely made it to the door. You're missing the show, Shiny! You should watch, he's making a joke out of your guardponies. Clearly, he's been in the palace before."

"Deft Hoof, what did you steal?"

"Wow, he's quick. Look at that, he's right up by the throne already and nopony's seen him yet!"

"Orange Meringue, what did you steal from the throne room?"

"Oh come on, there's no need to go around calling me names, Shiny."

"It's your name. Besides, you only dodge questions when you think I'm going to get mad. Why would I be mad at something that happened way back then? What did you steal?"

I groaned. "Okay, if you just have to know, it was a doll. A little filly's doll that she was playing with in the throne room. Now be quiet, I'm trying to watch." I kept my attention focused on the crystal. I really did not want to see the look in his eyes when he worked it out. "Wa-hey! He got the crown and Princess Luna didn't bat an eye! He might actually pull it OOF!"

I found myself pinned up against a bank of crystal balls, with Shining Armor's legs pressed against my collarbone. "You stole Twiley's Miss Smarty Pants doll?! You were the foalnapper?! She cried for days because of you!"

"I wasn't going to keep it," I choked out. "It was just a test. Please... can't... breathe..."

"STOP THAT COLT!" the Royal Canterlot Voice boomed out of the crystal ball. Startled, Shiny turned to face the source of the sound, dropping me to my hooves.

"That's our cue," I muttered.

"No rush," Shining Armor said. "He's tagged already, he'll be caught by the time we get there." He looked over at me. "Look, I'm sorry, man. But Twiley's..."

"I know," I said. "She's your L.S.B.F.F. and you would do anything to protect her." I waved off the apology. "You've got nothing to apologize for, so just forget it." I trotted to the door, my giddy mood returning. "C'mon, let's go scare the cutie mark onto my new apprentice."

Comments

[Parchment_Scroll]

First Post Author Notes:
I want to give a huge thank you to Sketchy Sounds for not only letting me borrow Salad Sandwich (Sally) from Sketchy Salad Symphony, but helping me with her dialogue and suggesting her last line and the further use of Freeze Pop.

Movie References: I can't seem to stop making these. There's a Beatles reference and a rather roundabout one to The Warriors in here. I'll go ahead and tell you the latter one: The Fillyfoolers are partly inspired by the Tin Lizzies gang. Instead of being lesbians and having a punny name that hints at it, they're fillies and have a name that means lesbian. Do they know what it means? As Deft says, probably.

Stealing the Moon: In point of fact, I dropped a couple of references to a shelved story idea in Chapter 1, regarding what Deft got up to while Shiny was out of town on his honeymoon, and that inspired this tradition. In that story, Shiny set out to prove to a blowhard pegasus guard that no, he was not better Captain material than Shining Armor, by thoroughly embarrassing the Guard and "kidnapping" Princess Luna. I may have Deft tell that story later, but it was having flow problems, so I cut it in favor of Shiny's return to Canterlot.

Foalnapper!: Yeah, this isn't the last we've heard about the Smarty Pants Incident. Remember where Defty's going tomorrow afternoon.

Kissing the Dog: I got the pickpocket slang (except for "duster") from one of Spider Robinson's Callahan books. Another term I'm rather proud of creating is "thunderhead" as a pegasus-specific insult. As Deft put it in the discarded chapter, it's the pegasus pony equivalent of "all whinny and no kick." The unicorn equivalent is "fizzler" or "all flash and no pow."

[Super_Big_Mac]

585744 Oh sweet Luna! This is awesome! And I'll have to ask Flame where he'd like Deft to appear, but our next chapter's a bar scene, and the LT of the Celestial Army is in there. His name is Storm Scratch, and he's made one snide comment about Shiny already. It'd be funny to see him and Deft get to talking, only to find Defty holding his coin purse and tsking. "What's this? Seems you already been cleaned out there, Sprinkles. I'll just slip a bit in here, you don't mind?" Then Storm only realizes when he leaves. It might also be funny to bring up everypony's favorite doll!

[Parchment_Scroll]

586119
Oooh, yeah, insulting Shining Armor in front of Deft is like holding up a big flashing neon arrow that says "MARK" on it, then jumping up and down saying "I'm an idiot! Look at me! Look!"

[Super_Big_Mac]

587304 Storm is an ass (no offence to any donkeys in the audience), and he's pretty much Celestia's righthoof colt. He commands the elite of the elite. He doesn't even wear celestial bronze armor. Just a coat announcing his rank. He worked to get to the top, from a slum of an orphanage. He finds Shiny's dreams and goals simple and stupid. Storm is just there to get rid of the Company; a big time group of assassins, under the control of Boss. Red, one of the best in the bitter business, is Storm's best friend/most hated rival. Storm is always trying to best Red, but they keep coming to a draw. Storm looks out for one pony. His sister, Vinyl "Vinny" Scratch. He hates his parents, because they threw them out in the street because they weren't perfect enough for them. Vinyl still tries to maintain a semblance of reason and rationale. But, yes. He has a certain amount of scorn reserved for Shiny. Ironic since he also strung Twilight along for a while before passing her brother in rank. He broke her heart and forgot about her. So, to say that there's bad blood between them is like saying that Twilight is lavender.

[Parchment_Scroll]

587504
Moved to PMs.

[nemryn]

585744
Speaking of Twili, she does know about the whole 'Agent on a mission from the Princess, so don't blow his cover' thing, right? Shining didn't neglect to send her a letter about that like he did with the wedding, did he?

[TheAssumingMage]

I LOVE THIS FIC. you have my fave and I will be watching this fic with all my attention. Also, the smartypants doll was a great touch.

[redmar]

585744
I know that this is a late comment but I couldn't resist the urge to make one because I have actually read Sketchy Salad Symphony and was thinking of that story when I read that the mare in the restaurant was called Salad Sandwich. When I read about the pegasus guardsmare my mind immediately went to Freeze Pop.