I was just standing there, right hand out, palm up, blinking and looking around disoriented. My hand appeared to empty, but the fractal spider should by about the size of a single cell, so maybe it could have been there. Or the text was just jerking me around. Of course, there was also the distinct possibility the spider was there and would not recognize me as its owner, and would be useless to me.. or possibly fatal. No sense worrying about it now; the time for worrying had come and gone with the text.
Looking around, I tried to take in my surroundings. Particularly wild-looking trees loomed over me in every direction, their leaves blocking out all but a trickle of sunlight. Vines draped from branch to branch and undergrowth was everywhere. If this was Equestria, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.
I wasn't exactly what you would call a "<brony>". I styled myself more as a "<meta-brony>". I had only managed to take in a single episode of the show, but I had enjoyed quite a lot of various fan works derived from it. So I didn't consider myself an expert on Equestria by any stretch. But shouldn't it be more.. open? This was some kind of jungle, and a foreboding looking one at that.
I started walking forward, with no particular destination in mind, winding my way between the trees as best I could. There were no clear paths here, not even animal trails, so the going was rough. A machete would have been welcome, but perhaps the noise would have been a problem. I moved as quietly as I could, under the circumstances, but the birds kept fleeing my approach, leaving me in pockets of silence where my footfalls seemed impossibly loud to me.
I came upon an old, ruined castle. I was sure it should seem familiar, but there was some unnatural fog in my mind that refused to let the memory surface. Breaking my silence at last, I called out, announcing my presence to anyone there before slowly making my way inside. Nothing answered me, not even an echo of my own voice. It was unnerving, but I felt that the shelter was better than staying out in the wild.
I began picking my way through the ruins. Stained glass windows depicted equine faces looming over me, those that were still intact that is. A black horse and a white horse.. my mind flailed at the impenetrible fog, but alas I could not recall who or what they were supposed to be. Sitting to think about it, I realized that the Text must have somehow removed any detailed knowledge I had about the show. Presumably the other riders had been given the same limitation. It was going to be weird enough for the ponies when a dozen alien bipeds arrive unannounced, it would have been even weirder if we were all sporting an improbably knowledge of the lives of several of their citizens.
My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden vibration in my pocket. Drawing out my phone, I looked and beheld a text message, magically present despite the absence of any signal:
"<Player three has been eliminated. Eleven players remain.
Player 10: Benjamin Coleman
Item: Omnitrix
Starting location: Dragon's lair>"
Ouch.. a very powerful item, paired with a ridiculously dangerous starting location. He would have needed some time to learn how to use the device effectively, and a dragon probably wouldn't be very cooperative in that regard. I looked around nervously for a moment.. the Text obviously recognized the danger of my own item choice, and I would need even more time before it was even remotely usable. Just how dangerous of a location had I been started in?
My vision blurred, white and black stained glass horses blending into one another like a blobby yin yang. I tried to blink it away, but just got dizzy. Luckily I was already sitting down. I thought I should lie down before I pass out, but didn't have time to actually do so.
In my dreams, I had a nice, hefty wrench in hand and was using it to tighten a bolt on a zombie cyborg velociraptor. It made sense at the time, and was quite pleasantly cathartic. I felt a presence behind me, and turned to see the black mare from the stained glass, glaring down at me.
"Who art though, interloper, and what dost though in my domain?" she demanded. I didn't recognize a word she said, but in my dream I understood her meaning perfectly.
"<I am Istaran Majin, and you are in -my- laboratory>" I retorted in annoyance. Apparantly in my dream I had become my avatar.
"No, this is a dream. You are in -my- castle!" she responded.
I blinked, and the events of the prior day refocused in my mind, my identity returning to myself. "<Oh.. Right. Sorry, didn't realize this was a dream. So then, who are you, oh mare of my dreams?>"
She snorted in annoyance at the joke she must have heard thousands of times before. "We are Princess Luna, almighty ruler of the night, and thou shalt address us with the proper respect! Now: What art thou and why hast thou intruded upon our domain?"
"<I am a human, and I have been sent here by an unidentified block of text for unspecified reasons. At the moment I am merely doing my best to not die. I am sorry for the intrusion, I meant no offense Princess.>"
She blinked in confusion. "Can you reword that, we are certain that did not translate properly. Thou was sent by a 'block of text'?"
I nodded. "<Red lettering, black background. At least that is all I ever saw of whatever being sent me here.>"
"What did that text say to thee?" she asked, looking troubled.
"<It asked me where I would like to go, then sent me here instead. It asked me what one item I would like to bring, but I have yet to see the item I specified, and it then welcomed me to the 'survival game'. I think there are probably a dozen of us around here somewhere, or at least there were. I am told one of us has perished already.>"
"Discord." She said to herself, before vanishing into the shadows of my dream. At the time, I didn't recognize it as a name, much less remember who it belonged to. I assumed she meant something about the discord that would be generated by this scenario. A dozen humans told they are in a "<survival game>" together: it's inevitable at least some of them will conclude they need to kill the others to win, or die themselves. Those that don't reach that conclussion are likely to get picked off by the others, even if it isn't true. And a bunch of bloodthirsty humans hunting each other, at least some of us with superpowered items drawn from our rich and bloody supply of violent fantasy fiction, is sure to cause disruption in an idyllic world like this one. Discord indeed.
When I awoke, I was on my back on a fuzzy bed of some kind. My clothing was missing, but I was covered in cool damp strips of cloth. I shivered a bit as I opened my eyes, looking up at a thatched roof.
A zebra approached me, asking something incomprehensible in metered rhyme. "<What?>" I replied groggily?
She continued rhyming, trying a somewhat different tack. I sat up, stared at her blankly, and then finally explained unhelpfully. "<I don't understand a word you are saying.>" She replied with one more verse before turning away and going about her business. She never had both eyes off of me for long, and she talked to herself occassionally, but she gave me my space. Which was good, because I was going to need it.
[<Neural connection online. Determining authorization level... full administrator priveledges granted. Please specify a designation for this network.>]
The voice in my head startled me, but I managed to avoid outright jumping. There it was. The fractal spider had finally multiplied itself enough in my bloodstream to achieve a passable level of intelligence and connect to my mind. [<Your designation is.. 'Deus Machina', or simply 'Deus'. What is your current status?>]
[<Integration is at 50% completion. Replacement of natural immune system is at 75%. Neural interconnection is at 15%, allowing only explicit conversation and realtime sensory monitoring. You have been unconscious for six days: you have recieved limited treatment for fever and dehydration. I strongly recommend you acquire food and water.>]
[<Can you translate the local language for me? I.. I think I was able to in my dream, but dreams are dreams.>]
[<Yes. However, I will require sufficient samples to begin translating, and then my vocabulary will have to grow through exposure.>]
The zebra broke me out of my reverie with an offering of stew. I thanked her profusely, and began to eat ravenously. I then started to question her about things as simply as I could, picking up or pointing at options and asking "<What is this?>" over and over again. It made it harder that she had to rhyme every single sentance. I hoped that wasn't an actual rule of the language.
The next day I was speaking with enough diction to get my point across and got her to share some books from her shelf with me, and teach me how to read. By the third I was conversing almost fluently. My fever was completely gone by then, as the fractal spiders had wiped out every trace of my body's original immune system, replacing them with an artificial equivalent. I was up and about, feeling healthier than I ever had.
"Zecora." I said, addressing the zebra "What can I do to repay you? I feel I should be going soon, but I do not want to leave with my debt unpaid."
"If your debt you would repay, a few more days you yet must stay.
In the woods your payment find, though I will not be far behind.
Mushrooms green and purple too, with stripes aplenty, not a few.
And leaves fourfold, not green but yellow, whose scent is pungent, not too mellow.
Seek with caution, humble debtor, for there are dangers beyond the weather."
I nodded to her, pulling on my coat before heading outside. I made it out of her small hut and out into Everfree before pulling out my phone for a quick check. A second notification had come in sometime while I was unconscious:
"<Player ten has been eliminated. Ten players remain.
Player 3: Robert Redcliff
Item: Ocarina of time
Starting location: Badlands>"
I was almost surprised so few had perished yet. And yet another powerful item. I assumed he didn't know the notes to work the thing. Would whoever acquired it be able to make use of it? That was a concern for another day. Right now I had mushrooms and leaves to find.
I spent hours combing the forest, cautiously. Zecora had made it clear she expected this to take days, and I would not be kicked out of her shelter in the meantime. I could occasionally spot the black and white stripes as she followed me from a distance while performing her own foraging. I had filled my pockets with the purple and green striped mushrooms, but I was having a hard time finding the leaves in the forest. Too many other leaves making it hard to spot the right ones. I was just approaching a large, leafy bush to see if it had the pungent scent to go with the shape and color, when suddenly the leaves exploded into the air as a massive form burst forth!
This was it. Time to see if I would be the third player eliminated.
Retconjuration warning: changed the player numbers in this chapter to match my notes and the later parts of the story. Oops!
Hey bro.
Happened across this story, found the idea interesting enough for a light, non-serious read, but found myself kinda not liking it, but instead of just ditching and running I thought I'd leave why I'm leaving. People don't give enough feedback these days, so good or bad, I try to leave it when I can.
Anyways, like I said, the idea seemed fun enough to read through so long as I didn't take it seriously. It's not the most original idea, but it has enough of a fun appeal to just jump in and maybe see what things or events come up, and think about what you would do if placed in that situation. That kinda stuff is, like I said, just fun.
But what ruined it for me, was the fractal spider, sorry to say. It has a slight feeling of the main char being "oh so smart" and sliding in an OP thing, or trying to trick the system to get what they want (like the genie bit). It comes off as someone trying to word an everything-proof shield without outright saying it (which I know isn't the case, as he still is obviously vulnerable in a number of ways, but it has that same feeling). Plus, I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible for something like that to exist on the technological side (I don't know about magical), and the number of issues that it brings to mind too easily drags me out of the experience, and makes me uninterested in what's going to happen to the main character as key obstacles fall away with ease (language quickly becoming a non-issue, massive immune system and health boost, etc).
So yeah, fun idea, but couldn't get into the main character.
I wish you the best with going forward with the sequel, and writing in general for your readers. Take care man.
6005974
Thanks for the feedback!
It is totally the main character trying to have an everything proof shield as well as all-purpose multitool. It does all the things! The Text relented in part because of what some of the other players (especially player 12) picked, as it changed things from "no, that will be too OP and thus boring to me, the spectator" to "huh, with these two playing against one another it will be such delightful mayhem!"
That said, it is fair to be turned off from such a thing. I knew from the get go that it is a huge risk in terms of being able to retain an audience, as yes it is flat out OP and makes it hard to write an interesting story where the MC is challenged. I think I did a not-awful job at it, but it naturally rings a lot of 'mary sue' alarm bells very early on, and makes it easier to foresee how the MC will overcome all obstacles than how he will be actually challenged.
Anyways, thanks for the read and especially the comment. I wish you luck finding more stories that suit you better.