Hexed

by Umbra Languish

All For Want Of A Nail

All For Want Of A Nail

"—and that's how I learned the difference between sugar and salt!"

Twilight Sparkle groaned. Now she felt a little green around the metaphorical gills. "Gross, Pinkie," she mumbled. "No wonder Mr. Cake is so jumpy all the time."

Geez. It hadn't been the worst story the lavender unicorn had ever heard, but it had come pretty close at points. Maybe telling queasy tales on a moving vehicle was something to be avoided? If anything … happened, somepony would have to explain to the Princess why the royal carriage suddenly had new upholstery. And, Twilight had to admit, that explanatory pony would probably be her. Not a good ending to aim for.

So rather than listening further, the librarian turned her not-inconsiderable mind to opening the window beside her. It was just about time to check the navigational systems. And right now, a distraction from her nausea would be a welcome change of hypothetical scenery.

Oh, of course. With another shining example of her excellent luck, the window had somehow inexplicably jammed itself in the last few minutes. Great.

Sorry, train personnel, but time waits for no mare.

With a quick glance around for witnesses, Twilight surreptitiously lit up her horn. Yeah, there we go. With only a few, relatively minor adjustments, the delicate piece of metal serving as a latch had been twisted into a much more reasonable shape. The new, and much-less-complicated, lock easily allowed the attached glass pane to rumble upwards along its wooden tracks. A few pointless shards of metal were swept underneath the carpet, and the problem was solved. For a certain definition of 'solved'.

Good enough, anyway.

Hoisting herself up onto the windowsill, the unicorn leaned out of the train carriage and gladly took a deep breath of fresh air. Her quick moment of peace ended when she was forced to duck her head back in and spit out her mane.

"Blech. Stupid hair." Now slightly irritated, she carefully tried her luck with the window again. "Hey, Rainbow!" she yelled, while trying to keep her mouth free of the frantically-flapping, purple-and-pink strands.

"Mmyeah, what?" Rainbow Dash, the sky-blue pegasus, didn't bother moving from her relaxed position on the roof.

"Pfeh! Dammit! Uh, I mean, how far have we gone?" Twilight shouted over the rushing wind. "Is Canterlot Mountain visible yet?"

There was no answer at first, but that was understandable. The rainbow-maned speedster was probably busy scanning the horizon for the prominent peak and the shining city that had been built atop it. And sure enough, as the train rounded a corner, an excited laugh sounded from above.

"Whaha, heck yes!" Rainbow unexpectedly zipped through the open window, toppling a surprised Twilight head over hooves. "Look, check it out! We're almost there, guys!" the careless mare above her shouted to the world. "Canterlot, here we come! Aw man, an awesome adventure is totally gonna happen, I just know it!"

Ducking and weaving, Dash began to demonstrate her copious shadow-boxing skills. Though the display was probably very impressive, Pinkie Pie – a curious earth-pony – seemed more interested in poking the strange mare lying upside-down near the window. That strange mare was her.

Ouch.

It felt like Twilight's eyes were rattling around the inside of her skull. Was that normal? No, couldn't be. "Air … uh. Air safety, Rainbow. Remember … the aviation code," she dazedly told the cheerful, twirling birds above her, in place of the pegasus she really wanted to chide. As usual, her excellent advice went completely unnoticed. The birds weren't listening, and neither was Rainbow. Everyone ignored her. Okay. Fine.

Sometimes the unicorn worried that she was getting used to this sort of abusive treatment. It was probably unintentional, but that particular brand of painful accident seemed to happen all the time around Dash, almost like the racing nut was flying into the librarian on purpose. Or straight through her library windows, showering glass all over her poor patrons. Or worst of all, into her bookshelves! Those rare encyclopedias from the Gryphon Kingdom would never be the same.

"Up you go!" Pinkie chirped, hefting her upright.

What the—! Given a healthy shove from the earth-pony examining her, Twilight was abruptly flipped onto her hooves. Great Scott! Was everything spinning? … Oh, no, that was just her stomach trying to rebel.

Maybe she should back away from the good furniture.

"A-Ahem. R-right, then. Yes. Thank you, Pinkie. Good job." A Hercoltean effort on her part allowed Twilight to pretend nothing was wrong. "Now, what are you shouting about this time, Dash?"

"Aw, c'mon. Don't tell me you haven't seen it." Rainbow dramatically rolled her eyes. "All our biggest adventures totally started in Canterlot. It's like, a sign of epic deeds to come! We go to Canterlot, and something crazy happens. Then we kick butt and take names! Woah, hey, maybe the changelings are back! That would be awesome!"

Heck no. Not in a million years. If insectoid ponies came charging out of the woodwork, Twilight was heading straight back to Ponyville.

She grimaced. "You're kidding, right? Or don't you remember those weird holes in their legs, and the gooey pods they put ponies in? The changelings were seriously creepy. And they kinda tried to take over Equestria, in case you forgot. Bad guys aren't 'awesome'."

"Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but could somepony please shut that window?" A disheveled white mare frowned at her windswept coiffure. The previously-untousled, purple curls had fallen out of place, messily tangled around the unicorn's alabaster horn. "I don't mean to be rude, but that wind is simply ruining my mane!"

Fluttershy meekly lifted a wing. "Oh, um, sure. I can do that," she offered, weakly. "I'm sure everypony else is very busy."

The hatches were duly battened, but a few minutes later found Rarity still clicking her tongue in annoyance. "Scandalous! Truly, how can one meet royalty without looking one's absolute best? Shameful!" A saddlebag was unbuttoned, and out floated the mane-care tools.

"Aw, great. Here we go again with th' brushin' and the groomin'. Ferget yer fashion hooey; y'look fine, sugar-cube! No need t'get yer bridles in a bundle! Jus' relax." As if to illustrate her languid philosophy in life, Applejack wriggled deeper into the chair of the train, looking about ready to take a nap. An orange hoof stretched out, flicking down the brim of her battered Stetson hat.

"B-bridles?" Fluttershy squeaked, quickly flushing an orange hue. "R-Rarity?" Caught off-guard, the yellow pegasus began to stutter awkwardly, looking anywhere but at the couturière in question.

The white unicorn gave a delicate snort. Her brush flourished with an illustrative whip-crack. "Don't worry, darling, I'm not that type of mare. Our mutual friend just used an earthy figure of speech common in some areas of Equestria." She focused a razor-sharp glare at Applejack, who flinched. "A crude expression, yes, but merely a simple turn of phrase."

"Aheh." The farm-pony pushed her hat back up, and grinned apologetically at the mortified pegasus. "Uh, yeah. Sorry, Fluttershy, Ah didn't mean t'offend ya. An', uh, Rarity's right, Ah didn't mean nothin' by it, neither. It's jus' … a sayin'."

The yellow mare shook her head quickly, her mane flying outwards as her blush died down. "Oh, no. Please don't apologize. How silly of me! Really, that was all my fault; I should have known you were joking! Rarity wouldn't do … that kind of thing, and of course Applejack would never lie or mean to be rude about one of her good friends. I'm so sorry I misunderstood."

"Uh, yup!" The apple-farmer's smile turned sickly, her mouth scrunching up uncontrollably. "Ah'm not rude! Not at all!"

Rarity sighed.

A sharp whistle cut through the air as the train from Appleoosa pulled into Canterlot station.

With a squeal of the brakes and a billow of steam, the platform become obscured with a cloud of cloying moisture, sweeping over the waiting crowds. The train doors shuddered open, with only a couple of unnervingly mechanical coughs and wheezes.

Freedom beckoned.

They took their chance, and disembarked from the carriage as quickly as equinely possible. Wading through the teeming throng, the six friends hurried towards their distant destination. The renowned home of the sibling immortals, Canterlot Palace! The jewel of Equestria!

Thankfully, the prominent castle was quite easy to find. The literal high-point of the ancient structure was a tall series of pale, marble turrets, built in such a fashion as to always be visible over the city. As legend goes, using mythical magic from the mystical unicorns of old, the towers of Canterlot Palace had actually been fused into the very stone of the mountain itself! Practical and stylish. Plus, it was now rather difficult to get lost, as long as the royal family was your destination.

Rarity breathed in deeply through her nose, enjoying the crisp afternoon air. Absolutely divine! What a lovely day for a trot this was. Good for the body, too! Yes, a bit of a brisk walk and some sunlight really melted that stress away.

Well, at least, for some ponies it did.

"Oh, I hope there aren't any problems with my friendship reports," Twilight fretted. "Maybe I haven't been sending enough of them! If I've let the princess down, I'll be the laughing stock of the Royal Academ—mph!?" The unicorn's eyes widened in what was most likely horror as a muddy orange hoof covered her mouth.

"Aw, stop worryin', Twi. Th' princess said it weren't urgent, right? So she prob'ly just wants t'check up on us, an' make sure we're all okay. Nothin' worth losin' yer tail over." Applejack grinned cheerfully.

My, that farm-pony was certainly in a good mood. It did make sense, of course. During the group's trip to Appleoosa, they had learned that the town was growing marvelously, and the members of the local Buffalo tribe were becoming great friends of the ponies there. Applejack's extended family had all been hale and hearty. It had been nothing but excellent news, until, as sort of an afterthought, they had visited one of the trees that the farmer had named. Named.

It had been called Bloomberg, if she remembered correctly.

Hm, yes. Rarity was a little leery of asking the earth-pony about that. It had confused her when they had first taken a trip to the distant settlement, and the confusion had only doubled upon her return to the tiny town. Was it tradition? Did apple-growers actually name every single fruit-bearing tree on their land? All of them? Right. Well, she supposed that was fine.

No, sorry. That still disturbed the seamstress, just a little.

Beaming happily, Applejack removed her limb from Twilight's mouth. Looking much calmer, the lavender unicorn nodded, turned away, and then slowly and discreetly scraped at her tongue. The poor dear was probably trying not to gag at the taste of concentrated dirt. Farmers weren't all that picky about hygiene.

"Yeah! Besides, we're awesome," Dash happily proclaimed her own view on things. "No way is the princess gonna chew us out. More like give us a medal for how amazing we are! Uh, if that's a thing. Medals of amazingness totally exist, right?" The pegasus seemed to sink into uncharacteristic thought as she hovered.

A pink earth-pony squinted upwards at the silhouetted daredevil. "Hey! You really think they'll give us presents?"

"Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie." Rainbow shook her head in fake, condescending derision. Of course they will. Who wouldn't? We're the best! I totally get presents all the time. Sometimes I even get to keep them!"

"Gasp!" the baker shouted. Hopping onto her back hooves, she flailed around in an unnecessarily-expansive manner. "If there's gonna be presents, then there's gotta be a party, too! There has to be! And if there isn't, we can make one! Haheehee, yes! This is totally the best surprise-medal-secret-party-day ever!"

Carefully plastering on an excellent faux smile, Rarity turned back to look at the happily skipping pony. "Pinkie, darling. You don't need to actually say 'gasp'. Just breathe in quickly."

She got a saccharine wink in return. "Haha, don't worry! I know how to gasp properly!" The insufferably-humorous pony whispered louder than the unicorn could shout. "It was just a joke, that's all! I did it for the fun of it!"

Wonderful.

If Rarity had learned but a single piece of wisdom in her life, it was that you couldn't win with Pinkie, whether at arguments or tic-tac-toe. Especially arguments about tic-tac-toe. Beating Pinkie couldn't be done. It was genuinely impossible, and anypony who said otherwise was a dirty, dirty liar.

So, rather than pressing the point, she simply sighed in resignation, and allowed the happy maniac to bounce away in victory. Well. How did that old saying go? Ah yes … If you can't beat them, run away.

In concert with that idea, the fashionista subtly altered her pace, a trick which soon let her walk next to Fluttershy, instead of that pink lunatic. Calm, sensible Fluttershy. Magnifico.

"Ahem." The white mare cleared her throat daintily. "If I recall, dear, you were telling me about spider silk?"

"Hm? Oh, yes!" The pegasus perked up at the comfortably familiar subject. "If you ask them nicely, spiders can make some lovely strings. Very shiny, and it makes wonderful sewing thread! I use it for my first-aid kits, myself."

Rarity's eyes sparkled with intrigue. "Fascinating! I could do with some different materials. The top designers are contemplating a return to simple cotton, but a brand-new fabric? That could easily change the fashion world! Why, if inspiration strikes, I may just have to buy a few rolls from you, darling. I do hope that won't be a bother."

"A few r-rolls of spider thread? By … by rolls, do you mean the, uh, big ones?" Fluttershy gulped nervously at the no-doubt daunting task. "Um, I'm not sure I know enough spiders for that. Maybe th—"

"Halt!" A large, intimidating castle guard shouted at them just before they entered the main gates, stopping the loosely-connected group in its tracks. "Who goes there? This door is to be used only by those with Royal Privilege!" Snapping his wing out to the side, the stallion blocked their passage, and began to stare them down.

Unbothered by the usual show of loyal aggression, Rarity found her idle eyes wandering down to the guard's golden armor. The heavy sheets of what looked like a copper alloy shone in the sunlight, the glinting frame outlining his impressive build. How interesting.

The, er, metalwork, she meant. Yes. That sounded convincing.

Her examination lasted until a certain bookish mare wandered blithely into view, and the stallion's demeanour changed entirely, as she knew it would. "Ah! Twilight Sparkle? I did not realise this was your retinue. My deepest apologies." He lowered his wing, giving a low bow to the diminutive lavender unicorn. It was a rather amusing sight.

"Hey, nice to see you, Stonehoof! How are the children?" the librarian asked cheerfully.

"They are fine, thank you. Please continue. Her Majesty surely awaits your presence." Stonehoof saluted, and returned to his patrols. As he marched away, Rarity kept a close eye on him, watching out for any funny business.

And he did have rather lovely wings.

Wait a second! Were Twilight and that guard on first-name terms? Rarity raised a well-groomed eyebrow at the revealing conversation, the details of which had only just sunk in. "My goodness. I didn't know you were on such good terms with the palace guards, Twilight. Care to explain?" She hinted her intentions with a salacious wink. Oh, a secret relationship with a married guard and the princess' student would be the premier piece of gossip this side of the Gala!

Er, not that she would spread rumors about her friends, of course.
Well, not bad ones, anyway. Tasteful rumors.

"I knew about that! We were being sneaky together! And then Spike ate ice-cream!" Pinkie bounced gleefully.

Nonsense. Sometimes the earth-pony could just say the most ridiculous things. Rarity ignored the interruption, much more interested in Twilight's possible sordid revelations. If you would excuse her improper prurience.

Looking puzzled, and slightly confronted, the more well-read of the two unicorns scratched her head. "Um, what do you want me to explain? I used to live here, you know. The guards like to know who they're protecting," Twilight said. "Most of the staff live in Canterlot instead of the palace proper, and that only leaves a few ponies as permanent residents. It's easy for the guards to remember a hoof-full of names, so they try to be on good terms with everypony. Stonehoof brought his children in to work once, so that's how I know them in particular! Two adorable little fillies."

"Ah." Oh, how disappointing. That wasn't even slightly scandalous.

But a mere hoof-full of names to socialize with? Poor Twilight. The purple mare had already told them how she really didn't get out much as a filly, and now it sounded like the librarian had never had very many friends at all. What a shame. Childhood friends could be a wonderfully poignant addition to one's social circles.

In a completely unrelated tangent, Rarity took the time to check her hooficure. It may have been slightly vain, yes, but the streets were just a tad bit rough. Best to be careful. Besides, they were meeting royalty! Imagine if she had scuffed hooves! That would be a nightmare!

Ah, no, false alarm. All was well.

Pleased at her continued perfection, the unicorn bustled slightly to catch up with the group. "Twilight, darling, all this talk of the guards reminded me. Will we be seeing your brother today? The gossip rags are tearing themselves apart trying to find the happy couple."

"Sorry." The scholar shrugged. "He's still on his second honeymoon. I haven’t seen him in weeks."

Rarity gave a contemplative hum. "A pity. We never really got to introduce ourselves too well. I fear our group made an odd first impression. Several odd impressions, actually. We tend to do that."

Although, to be fair, that was mostly due to Pinkie.

Celestia yawned.

Due to her centuries of practice at the art, none of the courtiers in the room noticed. They were far too busy discussing … what was it, a new agricultural technique? That, or a land rearrangement of some sort. Fences were definitely involved, she knew that much. She was sure she had heard the word a few times. Unfortunately, what might have once been an interesting topic had been rendered distressingly dull by the nasal droning of politics. She nodded thoughtfully, and pretended to listen, but secretly dreamt of tea.

The sound of chains rattling and clanking burst through her reverie. With the quick blow of a trumpet and an echoing creak, the hall's great wooden doors swung open, and a very familiar group of mares trotted in. Most of them were glancing around in interest at the trappings of royalty, despite having been exposed to it many times over the years. Perhaps that childhood wonder never truly waned. An interesting observation.

Oh, but this was wonderful! Celestia's eyes twinkled as she effortlessly excused herself and made her way over to her protégé.

"Twilight, my most faithful student." The princess nuzzled the small unicorn in an intentionally embarrassing manner. "How have you been? My sister and I haven't seen you for weeks!"

"F-fine!" the dear girl stuttered. "How are you and Luna?"

"Hey, yeah! Where is princess Luna, anyway?" Rainbow Dash flapped up to the ceiling, peering around for the other alicorn in vain. "I thought she was gonna be here this time."

Celestia tilted her horn in a vague motion towards the kitchens, unwilling to go to the effort of a full gesture. "My sister is currently having the equivalent of breakfast, for somepony who only wakes at perhaps four in the afternoon. She holds the night court, you see, so our evening is her morning."

"Huh. So … everypony's fine? No disasters for us to take care of?" Rainbow sounded like she would have been thrilled at the news of a catastrophe.

The princess chuckled at the pegasus' enthusiasm, but had to shake her head. "Sadly, no. I'll have a special task for the six of you when you get back to Ponyville, but I only called you here to make sure you were all happy and well. Although, from the letters I have been receiving, your little team seem to have a positively electrifying adventure about once a week! I doubt you need much more excitement."

Fluttershy seemed to wordlessly, but emphatically, agree with that sentiment. The young girl looked very tired.

In fact, the tension in those watery eyes almost gave the alicorn pause. She very nearly called off the planned reformation of Discord. Of course, after taking a second to think the situation over, Celestia still knew she had absolute faith in the little mare's abilities. That pegasus had more strength than she realised, and her emotive force was second-to-none. Since this issue in particular was rather time-sensitive, tomorrow would have to go ahead as scheduled. But perhaps afterwards, the group could be given a holiday of sorts. The Equestria Games was happening soon, wasn't it? That could be nice.

"Our adventures are always on a Saturday, too," the princess heard Pinkie mutter to herself. "It's weird. I had to stop working weekends because of that. Wait, isn't toda—"

The door to the kitchens burst open. "Huzzah! We have solved it!" Luna swept in, wearing a small pair of reading glasses, and floating a truly intimidating wad of papers before her. Deftly choking down her last bite of toast, the smaller alicorn brushed a few crumbs away before waving her brick of pulped wood and words at her older sister. "Sister, it is done! The Everfree Forest's nature is revealed at last!"

Celestia brightened. She literally had the ability to glow with warm sunlight, and in this case, she decided to do so on a whim. "Oh Luna, that's wonderful! Come and share your thoughts with us."

It seemed like that was about to happen, until Luna rounded a broad column and caught a glimpse of her guests. "Zounds!" The smaller of the two alicorns straightened up, and nearly dropped her glasses in her shock. "W-We are pleased to welcome the Elements of Harmony to our palace," she boomed. Diplomats and courtiers fled as the ground began to rumble.

Thankfully, the verbal rampage was quickly halted by Twilight. In true scholarly form, though, she did this through an ear-splitting squeal. "Oh! Oh my gosh, princess!" she gushed. "Did you just say you figured out the answer to Moonwalker's Conundrum? That problem has been unsolved for … for centuries!"

Her sister blinked at the sudden interest. "Well, yes. Of course, We do not wish to insinuate that the field of arcane mathematics—"

"Lulu, it's 'I', remember? The royal 'We' was abolished a long time ago," Celestia gently reminded, despite the ringing in her ears. Dear, dear. Between Twilight and Luna, a pair of earplugs would work wonders right now. High-pitched chatter mingled with a thundering roar, it all combined into a rather painful headache.

"Nay, fair Twilight! We … blast it, I have yet to delve too deep into modern theory, so this Moonwalker is unknown to us … me." Luna shuffled her hooves in embarrassment. "However, if said Conundrum pertains to the static inequilibrium of the forest's thaumic resonance cavities, then I believe that particular problem has indeed been solved!" she finished proudly, if without any clarity whatsoever.

Applejack stared stolidly at the chattering academics, as they delved ever deeper into the baffling depths of magical science. "Yeah, Ah'm real confused," she admitted. "Could somepony explain what these two are talkin' about? Ah get th' feelin' Ah'm gonna need some serious help with this stuff." The other four young mares seemed similarly perplexed.

Perhaps Celestia should try to clear things up? She was a rather good teacher, if she did say so herself.

At a particularly strident question from her student, Luna revealed a supply of even further notes and began to gesticulate wildly, one swing of a hoof narrowly missing a terrified guard. Twilight, the smaller counterpoint of her sister, was smiling a little too broadly, and actually seemed to be physically vibrating in place with enthusiasm.

Yes, both of them seemed very pleased. It must have been rare for them to find a kindred spirit. Goodness knows, Celestia was never interested in that level of research. The basics were good enough for her.

So she smiled softly at the two, and turned around to Twilight's little group of awkward friends. It looked like she had to play the role of translator, today, but that wasn't a position she dreaded. "My sister appears to have solved a very old problem, my little ponies."

Now, how to put this?

Her pearl-white horn shone, conjuring up a shimmering map of Equestria. "You see, the Everfree forest is a mysterious place. It is dark, unpredictable, and above all, dangerous. Such an unnatural existence goes against all known magical theory! Many ponies, myself included, believe that if we can understand the forest, we might be able to reclaim the land it covers. I, for one, would very much like to see my old palace restored to good condition. It had an excellent indoor pool."

Rainbow pumped a hoof. "Awesome! How do we do that, princess?"

"Simple, Element of Loyalty!" Luna shouted far too loudly, startling the poor pegasus out of the air. "For the first step, we simply require some of the local material! Fauna of the area! My hypothesis requires a spatially-exclusive pocket of unnatural magic, and we must determine the inconstancies in the factors involved!"

"Ooh! I can help! Pick me!" Pinkie zipped over to Celestia's sister, the spunky little mare's eyes shining with barely-suppressed glee.

The dark alicorn seemed unsure how to deal with that sort of terrifyingly open disposition. Luna tentatively consented, though she frowned awkwardly at the young jester-in-training's manner. "Very well! Element of Laughter! We require plant specimens from the Everfree forest! How can you assist us in this endeavor?"

The baker grinned from ear to ear. "I'll go get them! Wait right here!" As soon as she had said that, the unpredictable pony vanished in a cloud of twirling confetti.

Ah, to be young again. Celestia felt a surge of wistful nostalgia. What she wouldn't give to have such energy!

Looking discomfited, Luna sneezed as some paper tickled her nose. "… but the Twisted Forest is nigh on an hour's walk away. Surely we are not expected to wait for such a long length—"

"I'm back!" Pinkie burst in, panting, with some crumpled leaves and a bruised flower poking out of her saddlebags. “Sorry it took so long, but I didn't know what to get, and there were a lot of things that might have been plants, but they were also kinda icky, so I kinda just picked everything I saw that wasn't too gooey! That's okay, right?”

Ah. The princess of the sun tried to keep a straight face, but a chuckle slipped out anyway. It looked like Lulu was gaping a little. Let's just push her jaw back up. There we go.

Well, it was unsurprising, really. Twilight's happy little friend had that effect on some ponies, particularly the logical ones. Celestia was a bit too old for a few youthful surprises to really give her pause, but it was always very amusing to see how others reacted. Why, if Luna got excited, there was no telling what she'd do. No, wait a moment. Actually … there was. Oh dear.

If a few isolated events from a thousand years back were any indication at all, that gleam in her little sister's eye meant that the mad science was close. As a rule, explosions always followed, and if this wasn't a brand new floor, she'd eat her tiara. Bother.

"How in Tartarus did you get to the forest and back so quickly?" Luna demanded. "It defies reason!"

"Don't be a silly filly! I ran!" Pinkie laughed breathlessly, her casual answer explaining everything and nothing. "How else would I get there? I'm an earth-pony!"

"That is exactly my point!"

Hmm. Celestia really did want her marble tiling to survive. So she might just be forced to use plan 'B'.

That meant she would probably need to create a plan 'B' in the first place. Mmm. That could help. Let's see. A promise of future information, perhaps? Luna did enjoy knowledge. Oh! Perhaps that could work? Yes, it probably would. What a conundrum. She had just thought of the perfect bait, but if she used it, her dear student Twilight would undoubtedly be mortified. Ah well, wasn't it the older generation's prerogative to embarrass the young?

Yes. Yes it was.

Of course, given Celestia's age, there were very few living creatures old enough to escape her teasing. She didn't really abuse that, but it was a most useful loophole.

"Miss Pinkamena Pie," Luna began. "We would be very interested in running a few experi—"

"Did you know, Lulu," interrupted Celestia, just in time. "That I have received an excellent essay on what Twilight calls the 'Pinkie Factor'? Now, I know you'll want to run a few tests yourself, but Twilight's work is really quite comprehensive. Four hundred pages of statistical analysis. I'll show it to you later, shall I?"

As expected, her student flushed adorably and avoided the incredulous gazes of her friends. Pinkie merely giggled at the revelation.

"Very well. That sounds reasonable." Oh, good. After mulling her choices over, Luna seemed to have temporarily agreed to remain sane. "In the meantime, we have a myriad number of magical tests to run on these plants, and little time remaining before dusk. Let us adjourn to the castle gardens!"

Celestia politely declined. She had done what needed to be done, and had kept the peace for a few more minutes, but now it was time to take her leave. After all, there were some important things that needed to be addressed, various matters that had to be taken care of as soon as possible. As the Princess Of The Undying Sun, she had many different duties to attend to, duties that required a much quieter working environment than the lawn would be providing.

Duties such as the most serious business of afternoon tea.
Tea, preferably with cake.

It looked like the statue of Discord had been rigged up to support a fancy parasol over a small, metal table.

Well, hey. As far as Applejack could see, that was poetic justice without the poetry. Especially given the damage that darn chocolate rain caused to her farm! She snorted in satisfaction, and made a mental note to snub the calcified spirit, whether or not he could see her.

That'd show him.

By the time she'd gotten her snubbing sorted, princess Luna had already begun to arrange crystals in dainty little patterns on the tabletop. Predictably, Twilight rushed over to help the princess mess around with the spells, magical geek that she was. Rarity pretended to be interested too, but she probably only joined them to drool over the shiny rocks.

Applejack didn't quite see the appeal with any of that. Looked mighty dull, to be honest.

"Hey, look! It's Discord!" Pinkie jumped up onto the statue, knocking the umbrella into a bit of a wobble, and started making goofy faces at the entombed villain. Not to be outdone, Rainbow soon joined in, the pegasus performing most of her taunts upside-down for the heck of it.

Yes, Applejack was content to sit back and watch her friends' antics. Fluttershy did the same, happy to stay out of the spotlight. Couldn't really blame her. It was nice to relax.

Before long, a dry rustling sound drew the farmer's attention to the table. The princess was done with the crystals, and had started removing the plants from Pinkie's bag. Though some of the stuff wasn't native to the area, Applejack could tell that a few flowers were definitely Everfree-only material, not to mention a couple fancy ferns and the such-like. Huh. Looked like the baker really had visited the forest.

Of course, she knew better than to ask how the bouncy party-fanatic could be there and back in a flash.

You see, a fair while back, Rainbow had told her a worrying tale. The tale of an 'angry Pinkie Pie', yeah, as crazy as that sounded. As the story goes, it had happened on the pink mare's birthday, when the rest of the close-knit group had tried to hold a surprise party for her. The baker'd gotten the wrong idea, sorta, and thought they were avoiding her out of general grumpiness, or something. That was when She had emerged.

Apparently, she could either run faster than Dash could fly, or teleport at will! No matter where the pegasus had flown, Pinkie had always been one step ahead, always watching! It gave Applejack the shivers. If you combined that craziness with all that dubious future-sensing whatnot, you had a danged scary picture. Forget Zecora, Pinkie was the real witch of Ponyville.

In the end, Rainbow had been pretty shaken, and the farmer hadn't been all that settled, herself. Still, the orange earth-pony had thought it over, and eventually decided to trust in the reliability and honesty of her friends, ignoring the creepy, unexplainable outbursts that they all had from time to time. That was what real friendship was about. It happened to Pinkie, Twilight, Fluttershy … as far as she could tell, that sorta thing just hit you out of the blue sometimes, and it wasn't picky which pony it happened to. She didn't particularly feel like rocking the boat because of a couple of rare occasions. Maybe someday it'd be her turn, and she'd like a good line of karma for when it did. So, she'd just keep that smile going. Keep smiling, and don't think too hard on any of it. Yup.

Whoah, hey! Snap out of it, important things are happening! Was Fluttershy whimpering? Applejack glanced over at the softly squeaking pegasus.

Yup, she was. Aw, looked like her throat had seized up again, poor thing. "Fluttershy? What's wrong, girl?" she asked. Sometimes it was all about the tone of voice, like talking to her dog Winowna, almost. Following the trembling mare's line of sight, Applejack watched Luna levitate a leaf above the glowing crystals.

Time seemed to slow down.

That … that leaf!

"Princess! Stop!" the farmer shouted, her frantic words far too late to matter.

With a crackling hum, those floating crystals sent a visible, blue surge of magic through the leaf. On almost any other plant, that would have been nothing worth talking about.

But that was the leaf of a Zap-apple tree.

Triggering a well-known natural defense, the whole pile of magic was turned straight into electricity, gushing back out of the leaf like water from a tap. Streams of lightning shot out, scorching the gems and igniting the rest of the plants. Luna, grazed by a shock, reflexively threw the flaming vegetation away from her. Sailing through the air, the bouquet of flowers bounced off the underside of the umbrella, and landed squarely on Discord the Stony-Face's head, like a particularly tasteless wreath. It sat there, smoldering, as Pinkie chuckled nervously at the close call, and the princess continued to twitch.

Still, nopony seemed hurt. The farm-pony finally allowed herself to exhale. "Well, pony-feathers. Zap-apples are serious business, alrigh'. Burn yer hooves off if'n y'ain't careful." Blinking at a sudden thought, Applejack swiveled around. "Hang on a sec. Fluttershy? How in Equestria d’you know the exac' shape of a Zap-apple leaf?"

The pegasus in question quivered slightly. "I don't," she whispered, staring at the little spot of fire that continued to burn.

A glowing blue flower ignited atop Discord's head.

Uh oh. Applejack gulped. Burning things broke them down. Setting fire to magical petals released a minor puff of energy. Some herbal treatments used that kinda thing; a lot of Zecora's stuff, for instance. Squished and flattened as it was, that flower must have shoved its magic right into the stone. Like the misfortune with the leaf, such real small amounts of power would normally have zero effect, especially on solid rock.

Except it looked like today they had just straight-out bad luck. That particular cobalt blossom didn't just possess magic, it was practically made of the stuff. Probably worse news than the Zap Apples, now that she thought about it. Twilight had explained it to them once, after they had all come down with a bad case of the wizardly blues. For most of them, the bulk of the info had gone in one ear and out the other, but the farmer knew for sure that the dangerous little plant known as Poison Joke had a nice, hefty chunk of magic in it.

Chaos magic, to be exact.

A thick crack shot down the statue of Discord, allowing a deep, sinister chuckle to echo out into the world, the oily sound pouring through the gap in the broken stone.

"Ah, horse-apples." Applejack reached up to fix her Stetson. "Not this again."

Discord sipped marbles from a bowling ball.

The temperature was quite marvelous, today. It was spring, was it not? Ah, and merely a few months since the last time he had been out. Simply fabulous! he was getting much better at shaking those magical bonds, wasn't he? It was getting to be rather like a holiday, now. "Oh, yes indeed. What a glorious afternoon this is! Especially for a spot of … Chaos!" He laughed, long and loud. "Good to be out of that silicate bodysuit, too. The itching was really getting to be unimaginable."

An earth-shaking peal of thunder caused him to slide his mismatched eyes to his left. It seemed a large, light gray alicorn was throwing hideously destructive bolts of magic around. A smaller, dark blue princess was valiantly attempting to fight the overpowered, monochrome monstrosity, but was having little luck, due to her insistence on using non-lethal spells. How heartbreakingly funny.

Why, that particular piece was his work, how did you know? He called it 'Sisterly love'.
Signed with a flourish, Discord. Hohohoh!

Hilarious.

The draconequus leaned back into his hammock of clouds, wriggling into a slightly more comfortable position. "Really, this is so much more relaxing than last time. Royalty, you know. They can be such bores," he confided to a rather confused tree, whose sudden capacity for rational thought came as an enormous surprise.

Cupping a claw to his ear, he leaned over. "What was that? Ah yes, I suppose I should do something about those pesky Elements, hmm? Predictable of me, I know, but being a statue is horrifically dull." The tree swayed gently. Discord nodded, and tapped a claw against his chin. "A shield spell that prevents flesh-to-stone transformation? Good idea! Didn't work too well the time before last, but I could always raise the power a notch or two. And yet … it's rather bland, isn't it? Not quite my style to do the same thing twice."

The tree returned to stillness, as whatever passed for a spark of intelligence was casually removed.

"Nothing for it, then." The god of chaos bared his teeth in a hideous mockery of a smile, already thinking of what songs to use for the soundtrack to his victory march. "I suppose I'll just have to improvise."

The door to the Royal Vault was swinging in the wind. It was probably going to stay that way for a while. Perhaps that was ill-advised, but the six pastel ponies standing in the hallway were far too busy donning their Elements of Harmony to worry about security, or even just tidying up.

Glancing over her shoulder to check that the others were busy, Rarity seized her chance. She slowly crept over to the lovely box her necklace had been locked away in. None of her friends really liked jewelry that much, so they wouldn't understand her obsession. But the dazzling container had priceless, lapis-dyed silk that had been carefully, perfectly laid over magically-treated hardwood! Not to mention nine point-cut emeralds, six paragon diamonds, and some truly delicate golden filigree. Oh, if only Rarity had crafted it! Why, she would never have to work again!

Ah, whoops. She wiped away a small trail of saliva before anypony could notice.

"Hey, Rarity! Pinkie! Team huddle, guys!" Rainbow called. Hovering in midair, the brash pegasus turned to the group's de-facto leader – the only pony among them wearing a tiara. "Twilight, what's our game plan here?"

"I'm … sorry, I'm not all that sure." The librarian fiddled with her crown unsurely.

Applejack traded nervous glances with a few of the others. "Uh, c'mon, Twi'! Ah thought ya were good at all that stratifyin' stuff. Y'never seemed this spooked before."

"Strategizing. And maybe I'm not good at it. After all, this is the second time Discord's broken out of his supposedly-unbreakable incarceration. I'm starting to think this whole thing has become some sort of unsettling game to him. Or maybe he's just begun to figure out the statue spell. In any case, we definitely need a new plan. One that takes care of this guy, once and for all." Twilight tapped her chin in thought. "Give me a second."

A trembling, yellow wing was lifted into the air. "Um, e-excuse me?" Fluttershy bravely interjected, quite obviously bothered by something important.

"Yes, Fluttershy?"

The pegasus hesitated before sharing her thoughts. "N-not to be a bother, or anything, but, uh, c-could we do, um, the same thing we did with Nightm-mare Moon? I mean, I don't know what that was, and I'm sure you know a lot more magic than me, but Luna is nice now, right? Would doing that kind of magic make D-Discord a nice pony, too?"

How precious! Rarity hastily stifled a smile under the cover of a cough. Fluttershy always did want a happy ending for everypony. Apparently that even included senseless brutes.

Hmph! He had better be grateful! That vagabond didn't deserve reformation, not after making them all so miserable!

"Make him a nice draconequus, you mean?" Strangely, Twilight seemed to be seriously considering the idea. "Given his previous reaction to … wait, let me think." The violet mare hemmed and hawed for a time, but eventually, reluctantly, nodded. "Alright. I think it will be fine. Cleansing Discord like we did Nightmare Moon should also strip him of much of his power, by theoretically removing his magic of Disharmony."

"Well, that sounds great! What's the catch?" Applejack raised a skeptical eyebrow.

Caught off-guard, Twilight paused for an uncomfortably long period of time. "Er, nothing! As … as far as I can tell, anyway. I'll just have to alter the type of energy that the Elements emit. We really need Harmony-attuned magic."

Hold on. It had been many years since Rarity had last attended magic school, but something sounded off about that sentence.

She caught herself before she held up her hoof, and instead chose to cough lightly to gain the group's attention. "Wait a minute, darling. I thought our fabulous accessories only used Harmony magic. What on earth did we use last time?"

Evidently eager to share her knowledge, the other unicorn smiled happily at the rest of them. "Actually, the Elements channel almost all magic! They're effectively room-temperature magical superconductors! Isn't that just absolutely amazing?" While her exclamation was enthusiastic, Twilight only received blank stares in return. The librarian looked crestfallen. "Right, sorry. As for last time, I think we used Order. After all, turning something into stone, and making it a completely stationary statue? That's about as ordered as you can get, isn't it?"

Rarity wasn't terribly well-read on magical effects, so she had to concede that point, although the dressmaker still had the oddest sensation of foreboding.

Well, foreboding or indigestion. One of the two.

You know, sometimes it was surprisingly difficult for her to tell the difference. Especially when that pink-coated sugar-maniac had been experimenting in the kitchen at all. Alas! The culinary troubles she had seen! The horrid concoctions she had ingested! Such bitter experience with recipes that never should have seen the light of day!

Hot-sauce cupcakes were merely the tip of the iceberg lettuce, as it were.

"Order?" Rainbow rubbed her head. "I don't get it. Why didn't we use harmonica-tuned-whatever against the big guy last time, if it was so awesome? Did we mess up?"

In return, Twilight gave them an oddly sheepish look. "I don't know. Frankly, I doubt I'll ever know. The Elements are fiendishly complex. I do think I can pull off a conversion spell, though. That, at least, isn't so hard. I'll set up a circle in front of us, and make it really big, so we can't miss. Whatever magic goes in, Harmony magic should come out. Sort of … like a big sieve, if total conceptual conversion was a thing even remotely close to what sieves did."

"Well, if you're sure, dear," Rarity relented. "But do be careful. After all, these are powerful forces we're playing with. Best to be cautious."

"As long as I use the right spell, we should be fine." The librarian slowly nodded once more, her brow knotted in thought. "Yes. I think this can work. No doubt about it. We'll stop Discord, save the princess, and protect Equestria once again." Twilight stood up to her full height. "Okay. Let's get to the heroing, girls."

Five equine faces firmed in stony determination.

Five? Rarity swiftly scanned the group. Five. Oh, where on earth was Pinkie, now? Really, that mare had the shortest attention span. It was worse than Sweetie Belle's, and at least her sister had the excuse of being a little filly.

As per usual, the earth-pony must have become bored of all the important conversation and planning and deliberation they were doing. No, wait, did that mean the silly thing was outside? Gracious! They had to find her before something terrible happened! Unless …

Never mind.

She couldn't stop her eyebrows from raising, though. Pinkie slowly slid back inside, leaving a thick trail of maple syrup on the marble tiles behind her. The pink, sugar-coated pony grinned. "Hey, guys! You'll never guess what I've been doing!"

Rarity didn't want to know.

"Discord! Your reign of terror ends here!"

The lounging spirit raised his designer sunglasses to reveal five serious ponies, and one incredibly-sticky, but not-terribly-serious pony. Ah yes. They were right on time.

He groaned in a theatrical manner. "Oh brother, not this again. Really, 'reign of terror'? It hasn't even been ten minutes yet. That's more like what, a reignette? A reignini? Certainly nothing worth a dramatic speech." As his hammock of clouds vanished, the chimeric deity sat up and stretched, joints popping in an unpleasant crackle of noise.

Twilight paused, and glanced at her friends. She got confused shrugs in response. Off-balance, the unicorn tried to gain back her momentum with another boring hero-monologue. "It doesn't have to be like this! If you surrender now—"

"Yes, yes. You said all this last time. Do hurry up," Discord interrupted. "I have things to break and places to be." Now that he was fully awake, he sniggered softly as he snapped his talons behind his back. With a tiny speck of his willpower, a magical fuse was lit. The taffy-flavored string was connected to a sizeable sorcerous array, buried deep in the earth below his feet. A little low on inspiration, he had gone with a food-based theme, which almost explained why the entire structure resembled a gigantic, submerged soup tureen.

Arcane shield-runes, coated in ketchup, activated beneath the ground. Delicately-arranged patterns of guacamole glowed with deadly force. The mustard surrounding them looked delicious, but did absolutely nothing else of note.

Everything was exactly as planned. He chuckled to himself in dark amusement. Truly, what foals these mortals be!

Well, except the pink one. Discord quite liked that pony. Maybe he wouldn't torment her with her own worst fears.
She seemed to know how to have a good time.

"Fine. I tried." Twilight seemed to give up, and started to leave.

Hm. How unexpected. Interesting! Had he already won? Perhaps he should honor their surrender by releasing Celestia? That would confuse them.

Then the unicorn's horn poured out a blinding corona of power. An enormous, violet runic circle blossomed in front of that hodgepodge of a politically-correct team, and the thing began to shower horrible pink sparks everywhere. The colors completely clashed, so Discord had to give his grudging approval to the style. It could do with some more neon green, but it wasn't half bad.

Oh yes. And there was magic afoot, he supposed. Of some type or another.
To be honest, he didn't really care.

Turning back to him, the irritating leader of the mares gave a cocky smirk of her own. "If he's not going to go quietly, then I guess you can fire at will, girls."

On command, the Elements pulsed. As each crystal shone in tandem, they bled out single, pure colors of liquid light. The trails of Harmony joined forces, but held their own, somehow separately united. The simple shades of those gemstones gave birth to a shimmering, polychromatic panoply of hue.

Soon, Discord was watching a rainbow speed towards him, a sight he was becoming used to. This time, he was ready.

Ah. Except, this time, there was also something blocking the rainbow's path. Something both purple and pink. The unicorn brat's unidentified disc sat directly between the draconequus and the tiny collection of ponies. The paradigm had changed.

Though he had prepared for the rainbow that was quickly becoming old-hat, that familiar, six-toned fractal of light bent as it passed through the wafer-thin spell. Each color unraveled, merged, and changed. A transformation occurred, one in which the very nature of the oncoming magic was altered. Those thick strands of world-shaking force irrevocably twisted into a solid wall of pure, unstoppable energy.

Pink energy.

The rough hairs on the back of his neck rose. This wasn't the blasted statue spell! Well, it had been before, yes. The Elements were nothing if not predictable. But the runic circle changed it! Now that ocean of power, that tidal-wave of light, gave off the unmistakeable stench of … friendliness. Peace. It sent chills of disgust down his patchwork spine.

Discord was old, you see. Very, very old. Yet, even over the span of many centuries, he had only met his match thrice before.

Time had gifted him knowledge of many things. He had become completely comfortable in his own skin. He knew himself, he knew the world, and he knew all his worthwhile enemies. So at that moment, he was fully aware that there were very few forces that could give off that exact, disturbing sensation, the cold, alien touch of wrong.

And only one of them was pink.

"Oh, this won't end well," the draconequus mumbled. At least it was unexpected, he supposed. The spirit of chaos could always appreciate a good surprise. And what a surprise this was! Straight out of left field. Well played, ponies. Well played indeed.

In the few final seconds of his existence, Discord slowly replaced his stylish sunglasses and straightened up his hunched posture. As the beam descended, he thrust his chest forwards, and struck what he considered to be a cool, masculine pose. He knew it probably wasn't, but he didn't have much to work with. It was the tail that threw it off, wasn't it? Always the tail. Ah, well.

Strange, what you thought of in these situations. He remembered how he had once considered taking up a disguise, and living like a mortal for a few years. He'd never gotten around to it. But you know what? Maybe he wasn't cut out for that sort of thing. Being a god had been so much fun.

He'd never once gotten bored. He'd lived a very good life.
Yes. It had been a fantastic run.

Discord stood resolute and unyielding in the face of the unknown. He faced his end with pride.

Then Harmony met Disharmony, as it had never done before.

Everything utterly vanished.

Comments

[Aluminium]

Yes, it is very epic. Can't wait to see what happens next.

P.S. your chapter break thingies are really cool.

[Kolwynia]

It does have the feel of the start of something epic. I like your attention to magical detail, and the Clarification Corner is great. Fantasy lovers will find a lot to appreciate about this, I think.

[ThatAw3someBr0ny]

All I can say is that it looks pretty damn awesome. Looking forward to the next chapter.

[T6J2E5]

The Illiad was epic. Lord Of The Rings was epic. Gilgamesh was epic. I'll keep up with this story for now, but be very careful about welcoming yourself into the hallowed halls of "epic" fiction...

[IncoherentOrange]

Now, this is going to be interesting. I'll probably have more useful feedback on the next chapter.

[FanOfMostEverything]

615049 What he/she said. (Never can tell on the Internet...) I almost didn't read this because of that self-serving description. Glad I did, though.

I look forward to seeing what happens next. From the looks of it, I'm expecting the magical equivalent of a matter/antimatter reaction. That, or some kind of thaumic backflow fundamentally altering the very nature of the Elements of Harmony. Or the universe as a whole. Or both.

Also, I love the Clarification Corner. Well, really, I love good technobabble, whether sci-fi or fantasy. You've got yourself another follower.

[Reader Wolf]

Oh, that is so not good.
The whole 'vanishing' thing, not the story. I loved that.

[the_guy]

Nice, I like how u discribe things, it's a skill your born with, and u clearly were born lucky, u also have not bad grammar, that is something I'm not born with sadly. This story is really good and i can't air to read the rest. Do u have an estimate on how long it's going to be? Cuz in my opinion the longer the better

[Pleaseworkforonce]

delete the spam please and nice story

[Pleaseworkforonce]

also i thought you turned fluttershy into a tree when discord came out

[Umbra Languish]

615049

An excellent point, but I hardly imagine this will reach Homeric levels of literary merit.

After all, it's a fanfiction of a cartoon about ponies. Yeah.

[Umbra Languish]

618363
Accept my most sincere apologies, my friend! I somehow overlooked your comment, even though you had a genuine question. Now I feel terrible. Let me try and answer you now. Okay?

Okay. How long is this going to be? Well, there is a lot of subtle word-play going on in this story...
Then there's the really unsubtle stuff, like the chapter titles.
They're alphabetized. Meaning we've reached E, and headed all the way to Z. At an average of around 9000 words, this story seems to be headed for about 234,000 words, or 936 pages. More or less.
So yeah. A decent novel.