Suprise's POV

NEVER do this. First off its lazy. Secondly, the way first person stories work is that you have to give some sort of indicator who's POV it is without doing this. It's actually quite simple. Usually you could have the character reply to someone. That always works.

5794122 It is a way for me as writer to know who it is without reading the story.
Incidentally, I did exactly what you suggested, which you hopefully noticed. Both the characters named in dialogue after less than ten lines. I hope that is good enough for you.

Just curious as to what people think is actually going on in the story and what is about to take place. You may have noticed that I intesionally broke off just before the action was to start here.

Thanks for at least giving me a heads up, regardless of what you otherwise thought of the story. In case you did read beyond the first note?

That description... needs work/professional help

The pacing in this is terrible, half the time I have no clue as to what's going on.

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If you could point at where and try to elaborate more exactly what, and possibly give ideas as to what could be done.

Aside from the fact that the summary is a bit longer than I had intended it to be, only to realise I had missed what was actually sold here.

On another note, I tried to set up a very specific scene, without getting into what was to come, thus had to find the exact place and time to break for the next chapter.

5796308 What I mean by pacing. Whenever I mention pacing I'm talking about the entire story.

5798012 In this short a story, it would be strange to say the least, if it was just half the story?
is it too fast, to slow or too uneven?
As to the part you don't understand, where in the story is it? What is it you don't understand?
If you can point me closer to the problem you experience, it would be much easier for me to address the problems.

Edit: Later events have inspired me to move this story up. I have a few new ideas as to where I can go with this.