Original cover art by JazzieQ.
Discord sighed in relief as he watched the Mane Six fly away to annihilate Tirek once and for all. This gambit of his had been extremely difficult to pull off, more so than anything he'd ever attempted in the past. The trick, as always, had been in the blinders (mental, not physical). He would have summoned a pair to help make his point, but no magic, remember? Anyway, the key was that he intentionally didn't see that Tirek would betray him, carefully playing a trick on his own mind so that when he gave Twilight the final token, it would be recognized as genuine.
"Three," he said to himself, his eyes focused on what little of the sky he could see from his vantage point near the mouth of the cave, "Two, One."
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"
Discord smiled, "There we go," he said as the rainbow halo of magic spread out across the stratosphere. He spread his arms wide and welcomed his magic home with a slap on the back and a pie in the face. However, just as the last of magical surge washed over him, he... sensed... something... something that sent his body wiggling like a noodle in the grasp of a toddler more interested in playing than eating. That can't possibly be right, He thought, his previous mood shattered by the information coursing through his Ali-sight, I'm one of a kind: aren't I?
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After a quick apology to everypony for his part in the whole Tirek disaster (the parts they knew about, anyway), Discord blinked back to his suite in the palace and got to work spying on various ponies and other creatures through a mirror. He'd felt a chaotic dissonance in the rainbow field, one that hadn't been caused by his magic, or least, not his alone, and he was trying to figure out where it had come from. So far, he'd had no luck despite staying up all night searching, and it was starting to wear on his patience.
"No." Swipe. "No." Swipe. "No." Swipe. "Ugh, pretending I never saw that." Swipe. "Argh, how hard is it to find one chaotic source when I'm the Master of Chaos himself!? How hard?" Swipe. "That's just Pinkie Pie." Swipe. "No." Swipe. "No" Swipe. "Wait a second." Back swipe, back swipe, back swipe. "YOU. What are you hiding?"
A lot, as it turned out. Discord observed her covertly as she went through an average day, and what he was made him want to hit himself in the face for being so blind. Repeatedly. With a sledgehammer. Pinkamena Diane Pie, former wielder Element of Laughter and part of the magical force of all things orderly, appeared to know the future, was capable of squeezing into places she shouldn't be able to fit, pulled objects out of thin air with aplomb and alarming frequency, and occasionally disappeared from the universe entirely for short periods of time.
"Hey, Discord shouted as she pulled a glass of chocolate milk out of her mane, "That's my shitck! You can't have it!"
"Ok, Discord," he said to himself, after taking a few breaths to reign in his temper, "The first step is to figure out how she's doing all that stuff. I'll just peak into the magical Spectrum and-WOAH." His eyes fell out, and got caught inside his jaw, which had just hit the floor. His eyebrows grew arms, grabbed his jaw, and snapped it shut. He swallowed, and his eyes rolled back into their sockets.
Discord was rarely surprised, so this little development threw him for a loop. When he'd looked at Pinkie Pie, he'd seen something he would never have expected, even as the Master of Chaos: Pinkie Pie was a budding user of Chaos magic. There hadn't been one of those in Equestria since, well, him. "I'm not alone anymore," he whispered, a single tear coming to his eye. Now that was a joyful thought. "And to think I was going to destroy her for trying to copy me. But still, how could I possibly have missed her!? She appears to do this all the time! Wait, wait, wait." He slapped his forehead, causing his horns to fall off. "I know why." They regrew. "It was her Element, Laughter! It hid her signature, buried it so in deep in Order that I'd never have found it. But now that the Elements are gone..."
"Hmm. Maybe I was going off a bit half-cocked." His head tilted to one side and a smoking bullet fell out of his ear. "You know what, if I'm not to crush her I might as well teach her. It's not like it's a good idea to leave an amateur chaos user to their own devices. I mean, look at how I turned out! Also, I've never had someone to share my pranks with before, or someone who really understood the intricacies of magic the same way I do. I tried with dear Tia, but-" He sighed, gazing longingly at a picture of the Solar Princess stuffing her face in her private quarters. "She always had a stick up her rear when it came to stuff like that." He reached for his lower half, then thought better of it. "I'm crazy, not stupid." He swapped a dunce's cap for a straitjacket for emphasis. "And Fluttershy, bless her heart, just wouldn't comprehend it. It takes a special mind to Understand Chaos." The devil and angel on his shoulders both twirled their fingers beside their ears. "Anyway," Discord dismissed his props. "I might as well make my offer."
He snapped his fingers, and teleported from his palace suite to inside Sugarcube Corner. He started to head for the kitchens, but then turned around and realized everypony in the store was staring at him. "Don't mind me, I'm just here to have a chat with my good friend Pinkie." He blinked, and the shop was empty, except for Mr. and Mrs. Cake, who were both giving him the evil eye. Discord could hear screams of terror spreading wildly outside. "What? That's all I'm here for, I swear."
Mr. and Mrs. Cake glanced at each other before saying simultaneously, "Pinkie Promise."
He groaned. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." He went through the motions. "There, happy?"
They nodded. "She's in the back," said Mr Cake. "I suppose she could spare a few minutes since you just chased off all our customers."
Discord groaned. "You make one kingdom of eternal Chaos and they never let you live it down, do they?" He slouched. "Don't worry, this won't take long."
Discord walked behind the counter and into the kitchen. He considered slithering in on his belly, but then thought better of it because first, even he had standards, and second, while he may be a Chaos Lord, he didn't have to be random every second of every day.
Discord spotted Pinkie Pie with her face in the oven, busily pulling out and putting in pies. If not for her tail, it would have been a pretty interesting view. Then it moved. "Oh." Discord coughed and looked away.
"Hiya, Dissy!" Pinkie Pie turned around and smiled at him. "Did you just make a Pinkie Promise that you wanted to talk to me?"
"Yes, yes I did. How did you know?"
Pinkie waggled her ears. "I used these, silly! The shopfront isn't that far away."
"Ah. Well, I've got an offer for you."
"An offer? Wowie, what is it, what, what?"
"I think I should start with a few questions." Discord slouched against the counter, staring at the wall. "Have you ever considered the idea that you might see the world differently from everypony else?" He put on a pair glasses with the words, "X-ray specs," written on the frame.], carefully watching her reaction out of the corner of his eye.
"Well, not really. Sure, I've never seen anypony else use the world-holes like I do, but that doesn't mean they don't know they're there." Pinkie said, getting some flour out of a over-sized container at the bottom of the walk-in pantry.
"That's only part of it. Are there things that to you are the most obvious facts in the world, but nopony else understands, or even sees them?" Discord poured through a physics textbook, dumping the liquid remains down the sink.
"Sure, I've pointed out some things and had everypony look at me funny, but doesn't everypony have that happen at some point? Just because I haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen." Pinkie grabbed a sack of sugar in her teeth and carried it over to the counter.
"I suppose. Moving on, are you constantly thought of as weird, or inexplicable?" Discord said, holding up an impossible cube.
Pinkie Pie stopped baking, and turned to face him, her smile fading. "How did you know? I never talk about that, even to my closest friends."
"I'll get to that in a moment. Finally," Discord turned to face her, his face devoid of humor. "Do you ever feel, that despite how much you love your friends, and they love you, that they don't really understand you, never could, and never will?" Discord felt Pinkie radiate a small chaotic pulse, and a single phrase echoed through the kitchen. It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it. Don't question it, don't question it...
"M-maybe sometimes..?" She stammered out, some signs of nervousness starting to show through the cracks in her demeanor.
"I thought so." Discord straightened and took his weight off the counter, which now had 7.5 impressions of the letter "W" pressed into the surface.
Pinkie's smile was completely gone now, and her hair was drooping. "Why? Why did you do that? Did you walk in here just to remind me about everything that's not happy in my life? To take everything I try to ignore because it would only make me sad and shove it in my face? Is this some kind of joke to you?"
"No no, not at all!" Discord reassured her. "I came because I think I have the answer. I have recently spied with my little eye," Discord's left eye shrank to a pinprick, "That you, Pinkamena Diane Pie," He put a talon on his chest, "Are like me." She stared at him, skeptical, but curious.
"You see the world not as it is, not as the rest of ponykind sees it, but as it could be, in all its glorious random splendor. And while you have learned to manipulate a small portion of that wondrous chaos through your Pinkie sense and other abilities," He pulled a screen out of his wing that was displaying her various tricks. "You have only scratched the surface of your potential." He ran a claw across the counter top, drawing a thin line behind it. "I can show you the depths of your power," The screen encircled the room, changing to a view of a deep sea vent, "and introduce you to creatures that no other mortal could even look at without going insane." Pinkie got a glimpse of something huge with too many mouths and too many tentacles before Discord snapped his fingers and the image vanished. "I could teach you the intricacies of time travel." The most beautiful, brilliant white tree Pinkie had ever seen appeared in Discord's hand, then disappeared just as quickly. "and help you unlock the inner secrets of the paradox." 4 more Discords walked out of holes in the air and he did a synchronized dance routine, then four left, including the original, leaving only one behind. Pinkie Pie was gaping in open awe now. She'd never seen Discord do something like this, even when he'd first broken free.
Careful now, Discord thought. The bait is set, now the hook. You don't want to lose her, if you lose her there's no getting her back, there'll never beanotherchancelikethis-
"You live in a small, impoverished subset of reality, but you also have the power to leave that subset, and gaze upon the universe as a whole." A snap of his fingers changed the screen to a picture of the stars, not as seen from the ground, but as seen from orbit, in all their cold bright beauty. "There'll be no more confusion about who you are, or why you're special. It won't just be 'Pinkie being Pinkie' anymore, as that phrase will no longer make sense. All you have to do,"He conjured a quill and scroll and offered them to her, "Is become my apprentice in the chaotic arts. What do you say?"
Pinkie Pie, with her eyes full of wonder, looked at the contract, looked at Discord, turned in a full circle to take in the stars, then picked up the quill, and signed. "When do we start?"
????????
In a distant cave far below the surface of the world, a being stirred, lifting its head and sniffing the air. It sensed something had shifted in the Spectrum, something that affected the bargain it had struck with Discord eons ago. That shift was not welcome. For now, it would be content to wait, and watch, but if the Compromise was broken, it would act, and this time, no meddling, foreign, spirit of Chaos would interfere with its goals. With that thought, System rolled over and went back to sleep.
I have no idea why nopony thought of this. THIS. IS. BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
OMYGOSH!! THIS IS SOOOOOO EXCITING!! I can't WAIT to see what happens next!!
Me too Pinkie. This sounds like it's going to be epic fun.
Hm. This sounds like it's going to be an interesting story. I'm more curious about who will go insane first than anything else.
let me know when this is complete yea? oh and if you want i could draw you a better cover photo, just ask and we'll talk
liked and followed. Let's see were this goes.
Pacing is a little bit too fast but if that is going to change over time this could become a pretty decent story.
5652868 I would love that. I went looking for Discord and Pinkie Pie pictures, but they were all shipping drawings. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just Pinkie Pie and Discord shaking hoof/paw on an agreement, both faces serious.
Sign me up!
i121.photobucket.com/albums/o222/lombardia1/131432836978.png
CHAOS ARMY!!!!!!
5653161 ok i'll see what i can do, don't hold your breath this could take a while
5653199 That's quite all right. I'm going to be at this for a while. Writing good chaos isn't easy.
A good day to thee, citizen. I pray that I find thee in good health. My purpose for coming here is to provide thee with mine impressions and thoughts on thy story, so that thou mayest understand where thou canst improve for future endeavors. Do note that, although I shall not go out of my way to debase thee or thy work, I shall also not hold back merely to avoid harming thy dignity. An author requireth thick skin, so that she mayeth withstand such criticism on a regular basis. Believe me, ‘tis for thine own well being.
With that said, we are off!
To start, I would like to address the opening scene, wherein Discord speaketh to himself, or rather, the lack of details and exposition. As far as I can tell, Discord standeth in a gray void, empty of anything, save for himself. Thou hast neglected to provide any details at all in regards to his surroundings. Is he in a castle? Perhaps a forest? It could even be a sewer, for all I know. Needless to say, thou needest provide more narrative to explain what is happening around him.
Also in this vein, thy prose telleth too much to the reader. For example:
‘Tis a bit too much telling of what exactly Discord hath on his mind. Thou wouldst do far better to attempt to show this through Discord’s dialogue, expressions, body language, behavior, etc. To be fair, this problem croppeth up less frequently as the chapter continueth, but ‘tis present nonetheless.
Then there is the dearth of exposition. Wherefore hath Discord decided, now of all times, to so closely analyze Pinkie Pie’s weirdness? Something happened in order to spur him to do so, but what in particular? Mayhaps she unwittingly foiled one of his schemes, or performed a series of would-be impossible feats in front of him. It maketh little sense for Discord to suddenly scrutinize her out of the blue.
Finally, there is the surreal quality of the scene itself. ‘Tis fairly clear that thou hast included it not because Discord would naturally stand by himself and soliloquy, but instead to provide the reader with the set-up for the rest of the story. In fact, this scene remindeth me of the plays of old, wherein an actor would come out and simply explain the backstory directly to the audience. However, while this plot worketh for such plays, ‘tis far less effective in written prose.
In the next scene, Discord arriveth in Ponyville and proceedeth to terrify the inhabitants therein.
I suggest that thou avoidest narrative like there, where thou addressest the reader directly. It removeth the reader from the story, something thou most certainly shouldst avoid.
Thou mayest be pleased to know that I appreciate the ponies' reaction to Discord’s appearance. ‘Tis characteristic of them to immediately flee his presence, so well done on that.
However, one thing that I did not like about this scene were the references to meta-jokes. For example:
Ooooh, I get it! Thou art part of a community that hath turned these things into memes! Huzzah, for I, too, understand the references! We both know that these are things! Is this not the greatest?
Thou wilt recall how, above, I mentioned that thou needest to avoid pulling the reader from the story. Well, things like this accomplish just that. ‘Twould be more to thy benefit to simply devise thine own dialogue and narrative lines in order to make the story feeleth more immersive.
Also, this pun: “customares”. Blegh.
Next, Discord maketh his way into the kitchen, where Pinkie Pie slaveth over a hot oven, and thou presentest me with the image of her plot sticking in the air. While the scene hath the potential for humor, ‘tis lessened when thou tellest the reader exactly what Discord thinketh in response. Please refer to mine advice earlier on showing such things, rather than simply telling them.
Anyway, he proceedeth to ask her a single question, which apparently ruineth her whole mood. ‘Tis quite unnatural, to say the least. Wherefore doth Discord ask such a thing, almost entirely out of the blue? I found it far too penetrating. The more natural dialogue would be several different lines, where he poketh and proddeth her until finally getting across everything he desireth to ask.
I also thought Pinkie’s reaction to be far too exaggerated. Unless ‘tis thy wish to portray her as a perpetually depressed pony who merely throweth on a smile to keep others from knowing, the transition from beaming cheer to complete and utter devastation over a single line of dialogue is too abrupt. I see where her mood beginneth and where it endeth, and I can believe that it could naturally make such a change. It just can’t be so quick.
That wrappeth up my larger concerns regarding the scenes, so now I shall move on to the characters.
Thy Discord is, while not wholly out of character, significantly more exaggerated than I can believe. Despite what he sayeth, there is a sort of rhythm to his madness. Whenever he maketh something bizarre occur, it often somehow relateth to the situation at hoof, and often in iconic ways. I did appreciate a few of the tricks that he performed, such as the straitjacket and the contract with Pinkie. However, some of the others, such as the “certificate of randomness”, struck me as far too silly and goofy.
I also would like a better idea of what the characters are feeling. How doth Discord feel about taking Pinkie on as an apprentice? Is he happy to have found someone similar to him? Is he resentful that she hath intruded upon what made him unique? Perhaps he is excited to share his magic with somebody else. ‘Tis important to relay this information (by showing, mind thee, not telling) so that the reader might understand.
This goeth for Pinkie, as well. If thou expandest the scene, thou shalt have much more chance to expand upon her feelings. As ‘tis now, her emotions shifteth back and forth between happy and sad. However, what is she thinking? This is just like with Discord, above. Is she excited to learn how to use her abilities? Does she look forward to showing them off to her friends? Things like this would make her feel much more like a living, breathing creature, rather than the cardboard cutout she is right now.
In finishing, author, I found that thou hast not written a bad story. It certainly lefteth me far less frustrated than I expected (often, these reviews leave me in dire need of a stiff drink). The elements are all present for a riveting, humorous tale. Thou needest simply expand upon thy characters, provide more narration (particularly descriptions of characters’ movements, actions, and whatnot), and elongate the dialogue so that it floweth more naturally, as one would expect a real conversation to play out. While these are not the only issues present, they are the ones I found most pressing.
I hope that this was of some help to thee, and wish thee luck in thy future writing endeavors.
5653480 Thank you for your advice. As I am an aspiring writer, instead of an actual one, I still have some kinks to work out of my style. I will take everything you said into consideration, and try to write a better opening, sine I do admit this one felt a little forced.
At the time of writing, I was a bit more concerned with making sure Discord's antics weren't a copy-paste of stuff we've seen in the show, so some other stuff slipped through the cracks.
P.S. Customares was a misspelling I left in when I realized what I'd wrote. And it's a major groaner.
You know what? I'm going to favor this just so I can read any blooming chapters that erupt up!
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I just edited the first chapter, you guys might want to read it again.
One other grammatical nit. You tell the story largely from a third person perspective, which makes one paragraph in particular jarring because it suddenly jumps to first person.
I walked? No, sir, I read. Discord walked.
5653849 Oh, thanks.
5653832 That was good!
Forgot the first "
5653902 Fixed.
5653832
Much better.
Still not perfect yet but the pacing feels much more even.
It now emanates a sense or things to come.
Actually that's interesting. Your first version felt like a one-shot.
This one feels like the overture to a multi-chapter story. Well done.
I think first chapters are important as they set the pacing and the tone for everything else to come.
And I'm sure there will be much coming. The last thing that would make it perfect would be to spend more time on Discord's and Pinkies emotions.
For example the change from Pinkie being Pinkie to being sad and back to being full of wonder and hope when signing the contract.
I assume the story should stay in Discords perspective but it would be a good addition to show Pinkies expectations or at least how she is expecting things how she is looking forward to the things to come. Discord was thinking about bating her. That as contrast to her hope would make for a wonderfully dreadful sense of foreboding. Which, of course, you can completely dismiss should Discord find out that he actually likes to teach Pinkie and wants her to be happy.
To make things short: You improved the qualities of immersion and suspense through pacing by magnitude. But you have still room to do the same for the emotional part. Which is just as important because it is the element through which we relate to characters and through which we develop a personal relationship and personal thoughts and head-canons to a story.
P.S.: Okay.. Seeing how much I have talked about how to improve the story I only see to conclusions as to why I should possibly do that.
1.: I'm not thinking clearly since it's already past 1AM in Germany.
2.: I see enough potential in your story and you as author that I deem it worth the effort.
Probably the second one^^
Have fun writing the story. I'll certainly have it reading.
5653926 Thanks for the advice. I'll admit, emotions are not my strong suit, so pointing out they need work is a big help.
5653832
Well after re-reading the first opening chapter... I still stand by my decision to not miss a single chapter! BRING FORTH THE GLORIOUS CREATIVITY! PREPARE THE ANTI-SLAAD PIE TINS FOR COMBAT! INITIATE PROTOCOL PI!
Hmmm, my lawyer informs me I need to tone it down or no soda tonight... Carry on fine author.
As far as how no one has done this before, it was a side note in my story Harbinger of the Apocolypse before I took it down. So in short, because the only ones epic enough to think of it were too bad of writers to pull it off. I am happy to find a good writer doing and look forward to reading the rest of the chapters.
The devil and angel
I thought of something similar like this once, at the time and still probably not good enough to write it though, especially with Discord he's a rather difficult character to write on. However you my good sir have done a great job at characterizing Discord in a way that makes sense. I'm definitely keeping an eye on this story.
Alondro appears and causes a System crash...
Spotted a bit of Gravity Falls in there...
Think i'm going to like this,i always thought of Pinkie being a barer of Chaos,
She can fit inside chimneys, fit her eyes through key holes, behind bookshelves, can always beat Rainbow to wherever she's running to, even though she's following and/or have no idea where to go, pop up inside mirrors
And that's just the beginning isn't it...
It's either Chthulu or Hermaeus Mora. Speaking of chaos, I think that Pinkie should meet Sheogorath and the Animaniacs.
So far, he was no luck, despite staying up all night searching
echoed through the kitchen.It's Pinkie Pie
in all it's glorious random splendor
of your power,"The screen encircled
lifting it's head
would interfere with it's goals
1. Had, he had no luck.
2. Just forgot your spacing.
3. Its.
4. Also forgot your spacing.
5. Its.
6. Its.
Remember: It's is just an abbreviation for It Is.
Saw this in the feature box. Favorited after the first chapter. Brilliant!
Cool and intresting idea Discord teaching pinkie now that would chaos I don't think equestria would be able to cope
"System?" There's a World-Serpent underlying the Equestrian Universe?
OwO
*vibrations intensify*
Would you do the honors, my dear R34 community?
Hm, I had a somewhat similar concept in my head, not revolving around Pinkie Pie though.
Suppose it wouldn't hurt to do my own thing later on, when this story finishes and I've got my idea more planned out.
To be honest, the first time they showed Discord, I immediately assumed that the reason Pinkie could do what she did was the she must be his descendant
I think follow this story very interesting
This is missing a closing quotation mark
This has a ".],"
Actually, it's much simpler than that: Cartoon logic. Pinkie just happened to be the one able to do these things for humor purposes.