My blood turned to ice as I remembered the doctor from when I’d arrived—the one with the bubbly giggle and the bipedal footsteps. If he was in charge of this place of misery and woe, I sure didn’t want to be around when he came by. My short trip to Equestria so far had been light on the fun and heavy on the painful and the creepy.
At least I was getting some fresh air out of the whole ordeal.
I hurriedly looked around the room. “Where am I even supposed to hide?”
Sombra tapped his hooves nervously. “Maybe we can get out before he comes. If we hurry, we—”
I overheard someone come to a halt outside the room as the doctor asked, “Nurse Ratchet? If you’d be so kind, please change my four o’clock to three and my three o’clock to four. But don’t tell them about it. That should make one-on-one sessions a tad more interesting, don’t you think?”
I looked to the small window on the door and my jaw dropped from the sight. In a black turtleneck and half-moon spectacles was the variously-limbed creature from Twilight’s picture back on Earth. A single fang poked out from his one-sided smirk and his eyes were looking down, most likely on the nurse pony he was speaking to.
I felt like ice before, but now I felt like a block of ice shattered with a sledgehammer.
“Very good, doctor,” the mare replied out of sight.
Sombra kicked my ankle. “You need to hide, Steve. Get behind that plant in the corner.”
I turned and found the oversized green and red bush by the corner of the room. I took a step and paused. “What about you?”
Sombra chuckled. “I’ll do exactly what I’ve been doing the past two months, Steve—drooling from the mouth.”
He jumped back into his wheelchair and immediately started spitting on himself. He was damn committed, I’d give him that.
I lowered behind the wide plant and angled to see the rest of the room. Doctor Discord threw the door open hard enough to smack against the wall, the knob creating a hole.
“How’s everyone doing?” he asked cheerfully, an eagle’s claw clamped around a notepad. When his question was met by silence, he added, “Don’t everyone shout at once.”
His stretchable neck circled around the motionless mare by the door. “And how are you today, my dear? Finding everything to your liking? How’s the air in here? Humidity? Blanket too thick? Itchy?” He stared at her. “Well, don’t say I didn’t ask. But, hey, what’re you watching?”
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, sitting on the armrest of her chair. He put his head next to hers to watch the lone tree outside. “Oh, this old show. I won’t spoil the ending, but let’s just say the ending is much like the beginning. Here, have something better.” He snapped his fingers and the tree outside started playing a fiddle it retrieved from somewhere behind its trunk.
Discord clapped his hands together childishly, until he noted the complete lack of response from every pony in the room. “Oh, come on! He’s not that bad. He only started playing four seconds ago.”
He stood again and regarded the mare sourly. “Maybe we’ll up your dose of pink pills and lower the purple. See if that might get a giggle out of you.” He scribbled something on the pad. “Oh, who am I kidding, they’re mostly placebos, anyways.”
From a pocket in his turtleneck, Discord took out a corncob pipe and started blowing bubbles. Then he casually strolled around the room, stopping at each patient to hold a very one-sided conversation. When one of his guests gurgled something out, he shook his head and said, “Against your will? Whatever do you mean? You’re free to leave whenever you like, just as long as you find the exit.” The guest said something else. “Where’s the exit, you ask? Well, if you can’t even compliment me on my new sweater, than I really don’t feel the need to tell you. Plus, you’re under my care; the best care in all of this Equestria. And I won’t stand to see you leave until you’re fit to rejoin society.” He chuckled. “Don’t you know that would go against my doctor’s code?”
He left the poor pony and greeted a few more. None had much to say. He scribbled something new on his pad before making his way to Sombra’s chair. Once there, he knelt and put an arm around him.
“And how’s our resident troublemaker doing?” he asked with a smirk. “Glad to see you’ve finally adapted to the program, Sweet Berries. Once we flush your system of all its negative-grams, we’ll see what the D-meter has to say again. If you’re in the clear, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll move you to a room with a window. How does that sound, Sweet Berries?”
A bit of saliva fell to Sombra’s chest. His eyes never left the talented tree outside.
Discord sneered. “Maybe we’ll lower your pinks and up your purples. I wouldn’t suggest trying to hide your pills under your tongue again, young pony. There are more than a few ways to get proper medicine inside you, you know.”
Even from the safety of the plant, I could see Sombra’s pupils shrink.
Discord waved a hand. “Well, must get going, busy, busy, busy and all—”
He stopped and lowered his brows.
“What happened to your handmade sweater, Sweet Berries? If you ate it again, I swear I’ll reach in there and pull it out myself.”
Sombra’s eyes found mine and I glanced at my bag. I’d completely forgotten I’d taken his colorful straightjacket from before.
With a lion’s paw, Discord patted Sombra’s head. “Wait right here. I’ll go get my thingy-removing gloves. I’m sure there’s a better name for it, but… whatever.”
Discord spun on a hoof and kicked open the door leading to the hall, sliding along the floor with ice skates. A merry whistle followed—the smile, smile, smile song from over the speakers.
Sombra glared at me. “Steve, not sure if you heard that correctly with your substandard human ears, but he’s planning on removing or putting things inside of me!”
I nodded and began to rise, when the door ripped open again.
“Wait one minute! Just wait one minute!” Discord yelled, a bit of burning red in his glare. “Something isn’t right. Something is actually very wrong here. Something doesn’t belong here. Some thing shouldn’t be in this room at all.” He pulled at his beard. “And I’m beginning to think that its very accidental appearance here might just lead to the downfall of everyone. And because of that¸ I cannot let this charade continue any further.”
My hands shook along the rim of the flowerpot; my jaw quivered away on whatever it planned on mumbling once I’d been discovered by the lunatic in the turtleneck.
Discord took a lengthy step forward, shoving a wheelchair bound pony aside. He studied the room a moment. “A-ha! Found you!” He bent and scooped up a red pen off the floor, twirling it around his fingers. “I thought I’d forgotten you this morning. How careless of me.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. When my heart steadied, I opened them again and found Discord’s tired face filling my vision. I was also seated in the center of the room in a ratty old chair, a recently created coffee table between us.
Discord blew bubbles from his pipe and grinned. “Hello, Steve the human. You don’t belong here, do you?”
I struggled for air. “Umm…”
“In this world or in my rehabilitation center.” His grin expanded, showcasing his yellow-stained teeth. “Have you come to be rehabilitated, Steve? What must I remove from you to make you a better human, hmm? Jealousy? Rage? Twenty unsightly pounds that you just can’t seem to shake off around the gut?”
I was going to die. That’d become obvious. I knew it the moment I noticed how neither of his pupils matched the other, constantly swirling around and changing shape. Brain damage, I thought. Probably a lot more than that, actually.
He patted my knee reassuringly. “Well, that’s too bad, Steve. Admission here isn’t cheap and we’re full, as is. So you’ll need to go.” He giggled, dragging a claw across his cheek. “But I can already imagine what a panic you’ll cause—another human in Equestria. Your very existence could upend pony-kind as we know it; you could destroy the world with a simple snap of your fingers. Or perhaps you’re somehow destined to save us from ourselves in a way only a human could. You might have been a cog in a machine in your world, Steve, but there’s reason to believe you could singlehandedly change the course of history for all time if given the chance.”
A pregnant pause followed his little ramble. A few more bubbles from his pipe floated towards the ceiling.
“Or maybe you’re just here to get your little pony back and should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. If that’s the case, then carry on, my wayward son.”
I’d become so nervous my tongue felt like sandpaper. “So… you’ll let us leave, then?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “I’ll let you leave this room, sure, but that doesn’t mean I won’t warn everyone I can that a human’s trying to escape with the ol’ King of the Crystal Empire under his arm. Especially given how hard it was to attain him to begin with. But then again, the outcome doesn’t really mean beans to me, personally. No matter the circumstance, I always have fun.”
I grimaced. “You can’t just keep quiet about my being here?”
In one gulp, he swallowed his pipe and bubbles oozed out his ears. “Too late for that, I’m afraid. You two should get running.”
“What do you—”
Bang-bang-bang!
“Whoever’s in there better come out this instant!”
It sounded like Rarity, hitting against the windows of the center.
“How dare you make my darling little sister cry!”
Discord put a finger to his lips. “Someone’s in trouble, Steve. Is it you?”
I thought he might be on to something.
***
Sombra and I exited the Quiet Room and took a hard left, sliding against the floor. Swinging my pack over my shoulder, I turned for a moment to watch the center’s front door blow off its hinges, bits of wood and nails spilling along the floor.
Rarity and her five multicolored friends galloped inside, squinting from the gloom. Sweetie Belle stood beside her sister, a leg wrapped around her. The filly’s mouth was set in a frown and it caused my heart to stop for a moment. Even from a distance, that was some rather cute bullshit.
“They went that a’way!” Discord told them from the doorway, a half-dozen arms extending in all directions from his torso.
Rarity seemed not to hear, as her and the five other mares glanced around the decrepit hall, motivational posters and all.
A set of stairs leading to the floor above sat on my end of the hall. I stopped with my shoe on the first step to watch them.
Rarity grimaced. “What in Equestria has been going on here?”
Discord strolled up to them. “Whatever do you mean, my dear? You wanted a rehabilitation center, remember? And you all, ever so smartly, placed its charge in my more than capable claws and paws.”
“If I remember things correctly, you were the only one that volunteered.”
Discord absently filed a claw. “Doesn’t mean I don’t care about the job, Rarity. Just ask Sweet Berries over there.”
“Who?”
A hoof shoved her to the side and Twilight Sparkle trotted forward. She exhaled sharply and forked a leg at Discord. “We’re going to talk about this later, Discord. All you had to do was keep Sombra busy until we were ready for him.” She glanced around the dimly lit space. “The rest of this was completely unnecessary.”
Discord giggled, flicking her leg away. “More grotesque than what you’re planning on doing? I don’t know what more you want, Twilight. I fulfilled my part of the agreement. Sombra stayed put for two months and then some. Not my fault you’re slow.”
During the conversation, Sweetie Belle unhooked herself from her sister and trotted a few paces down the hall. When she saw my shell-shocked expression, she shot a leg at me. “There’s the human that wouldn’t have tea with me!”
Sombra sighed next to me. “Really, Steve? How long would it have taken to have tea? Ten? Maybe fifteen minutes?”
Sweetie Belle added, “He also said I was going to kill someone someday!”
Sombra shook his head and tsk me. “And here I thought I taught you better.”
My shoulders fell. “What she’s telling you has been taken so out of context.”
Rarity came behind her and wrapped her in a leg. “It’s okay, Sweetie Belle. Humans have a bad tendency to do silly, silly things. I met one the other month that—”
Rarity’s finally caught sight of me, causing her eyes to narrow and her jaw to set. “Steve? How did you get here?”
Twilight put a hoof to her temple. “I think the better question is why he’s here. And just why it looks like he’s trying to escape with Sombra.”
Discord gently rapped his knuckles on her horn. “Because that’s exactly what he’s doing, silly billy. Seriously, I thought most versions of you lived in a library.”
Twilight stomped against the floor. “You and I are going to talk later, Discord. As of right now, we have an escaped villain to obtain. As well as a human that doesn’t belong here.”
When he snapped his fingers, Discord reappeared in a recliner with a box of popcorn. He pulled out the leg rest. “Then get on with the chase scene already!”
***
It took a hundred and ten seconds for Sombra and I to get to the second floor of the center and teleport out. Once on the lush field at the back of the place, I wasted not a moment packing my book and running in the opposite direction. Too bad it only took Twilight and the rest of her friends a meager hundred and ninety seconds to get around the building and begin their pursuit.
Having picked up Sombra by the middle to teleport outside, I unknowingly held him with one arm as I ran. Remembering his mass the night I gave him away, he really had lost a lot of weight.
“You can let go of me, Steve,” he said casually. “I’m fully capable of running for my life by myself.”
“Just because you’re thinner doesn’t mean you’ll be able to keep up, Sombra.”
“I’ll think I’ll manage.”
He pushed away from me and rolled to the ground. I continued onward and soon found him galloping by my side, a look of smug satisfaction on his face.
“Look, Steve! I’m running! I’m actually running!” He giggled. “And to think I made all those slaves carry me everywhere on that crystal throne.”
“Don’t get cocky, friendo,” I muttered between breaths. “We’re still trying to outrun a whole pack of ponies. Ones I’m sure run even faster than you, and a couple that even fly.”
Sombra’s tongue lulled from his mouth as he picked up the pace. “Look, Steve! I can even run faster than you! Isn’t it wonderful?”
Sweat formed along my brow and under my shirt. “Sure, whatever. Teleport us out of here. Use your horn and get us away from them.”
Some of his elation dropped. “I haven’t done that type of spell in a while, Steve. It might not work.”
Not in the greatest shape myself, I was soon out of breath. “Give it a try, all right? I thought you called yourself the greatest unicorn around?”
Sombra looked away. “Well, I don’t know if I used those words exactly, but I’m definitely top five.” He pointed his horn at me. “Let’s see how this goes, then.”
A ball of glowing red spun out from his horn, expanding until it swallowed us both. It was bright and warm, and I was forced to shield my eyes. When I opened them again, I was still running across the field. Only now the bottom of my shirt was on fire.
“Oh, come on!” I patted the licking flames out and then blew on my hands. I glared at the galloping pony. “Seriously?”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “What? I tried. Just get that little book out and—”
A blast of purple struck his plot, singeing some hair. He screamed and ran a few lengths ahead.
I looked back and found Twilight and the gang a lot closer than before.
“Give him back to us right now, Steve!” Twilight yelled, charging her horn again.
The second shot hit the grass near my foot, blackening it at once. This sight alone added more urgency to my step.
Several meters ahead of me, Sombra ran at full speed, not bothering to look back.
I felt a cramp looming on the horizon. “Sombra! I don’t think we can outrun them!”
“That’s fine, Steve,” he replied without turning. “I’m reminded that I technically don’t need to outrun them—only you. But please take some warmth from the fact you were the best slave any King could've hoped to have.”
A pain in my chest made me cough. “What? You dick! You selfish little bastard of a pony! If I get my hands on you, I’ll rip your damn ears off!”
“But you won’t, Steve!” With that said, he galloped ahead and well into the distance. Perhaps what he’d said about saving his strength while sleeping on the couch actually held merit.
Before I had a chance to chew the tyrant out anymore, something hard slammed into my back and tried to pull me off the ground.
“Gotcha!”
Two light-blue legs hooked under both arms, dragging me upward.
Five feet. Ten feet.
Rainbow Dash told me, “Now sit tight and I’ll have you back to the others in no time.”
I shook my head briskly. “Nope.”
I thrashed in the air until her grip on me loosened and she had to grab at my sweatshirt instead. Pulling my arms in, I slid out of it and smacked into the ground, knocking the air from me.
I tried to stand, only for Pinkie Pie to leap atop my back and start bouncing.
“I found him! I found him! I found him!”
Pushing her off, I turned to sit on the grass, more than a few limbs painful and sore.
Twilight came to halt in front of me and frowned. “What you did just now was foolish, Steve. Coming here. Trying to retrieve Sombra from us.”
The rest of her friends stood by her side. They seemed much colder than the last time I saw them.
I explained, “Someone sent me a note that said ‘help me’. That’s why I came.”
“That note could have come from anyone.”
“True, but I have a good feeling it came from Sombra, given the state you all put him in.”
Twilight took a breath to compose herself. “I assure you, Steve, that Sombra was being taken care of as best he could. If you want, I will look into the matter myself and make sure he’s treated more… comfortably in the future. But with that said, he needs to be returned to us.”
I glanced behind me, half-expecting Rainbow Dash to come flying back with Sombra by the tail. Instead, she landed and kicked a rock along the grass.
When all eyes fell to her, she said, “What? He teleported before I could get to him!”
I muttered angrily, “Stupid jerk face Sombra and his selective teleportation magic…”
A hoof fell to my knee and I looked up. Twilight regarded me warmly, a gentle smile under a determined stare. “And just like last time, Steve, I know you’ll do what is right and help us find him again. All any of us care about is his safety, so it’s best—”
I slapped her hoof away and she took a step back. “You can cut the act. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here, but it sure isn’t any form of rehabilitation. Whatever you got Discord doing to those poor ponies is terrifying, and from what I’ve heard, you haven’t checked on Sombra’s wellbeing a single time since you brought him here. Also, I’ve been told that you needed him for something. And I doubt it’s something good.”
She shook her head lightly. “Now you’re overreacting, Steve. What you saw today was nothing more than a minor hiccup in the process. Once Sombra’s safe and sound and returned to us again, you can personally come visit him whenever you’d like.”
Twilight Sparkle smiled, a clear sign that everything was all right and nothing bad could ever happen while she was around. Too bad that smile of hers didn’t match her eyes.
I remained silent to her proposal.
Twilight sighed. “You don’t believe any of this any more, do you?”
I shook my head.
She yelled to the others. “All right, let’s bring him back. Then we’ll start our search for the unicorn.”
A purple blast of magic put me to sleep.
This. This is important.
why didn't Steve use any spells from his spell book to fight back also why is this version of Twilight in that dimension evil
5841747 I agree
THE TAGS LIE.
THE CREEPING DARKNESS...
To be PERFECTLY honest, if was in the shoes of Steve right now, I would do much more than flailing...
No I don't mean punching them, just slightly jabbing their necks. I'm dead serious, try doing that with someone else, they would practically crumble in laughter.
Seriously, I'm getting TCB vibes from this!
It always makes my night when you post a new chapter. And holy cow is Twilight acting villainous.
Here's my theory: The 'other human' they keep mentioning did something to them. Discord did reference, in a leaning-on-the-fourth-wall kinda way, that humans in Equestria tend to do things.
This just keeps getting more and more interesting.
I knew purplesmart couldn't be trusted!
Would anyone else here actually just sock them in this situation? Y'know, actually fight some, even if it's just attacks to stun...?
5842228 "most versions"
Its not where they live thats setting off alarms in my minds, it's the precise wording Discord used. Tell me, why would there be more than one version of Twligiht Sparkle.
Tsk
Breaths
ooh man! Getting antsy now thinking whether Sombra will come back! (He probably will, else there wouldn't really be much more of a story)
Time to wait another 5 weeks for a chapter.
Wow, this got really dark, really quickly. It started out so light and funny, then the last two chapters were like... well... I am having a hard time coming up with a metaphor for how dark the story turned in the short amount of time...
Still a good fic.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5842637
Yeah, no kidding.
5842775 *Obligatory laughing at you for changing your name to 'Trash Boat'*
Now that I got that out of the way, indeed.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5842098 my weapon of choice would be a baseball bat in that situation, a wooden one...
this went from cute and funny to: 'kay, sombro needs to start carrying his own weight, now it's like:
quickmeme.com/img/d2/d22476f80db906356baa8381725dca99df69ccbdc550ebdefab97802acfd4257.jpg
5841840
He's a human who lucked out on a book, a book that he hasn't studied or memorized. You expect a non-magical creature who can BARELY read the book to be able to have a wizard's duel with the demigod of magic, one of the best unicorns on the planet, and potentially Discord if Fluttershy somehow got hurt?
No, it's rather obvious why Steve didn't start flinging out magical vertices and chucking fireballs and casting shields and reshaping the land. Because he's a Steve, and Steves are not ponies. They do Steve-things, which does not include spontaneous magic.
5842098
Pretty sure AJ'd be too sturdy to clock out, plus reflexes from being a cowgirl. Twilight's got a bit of combat experience now, and who knows how alicorn physiology works. Rarity and Rainbow Dash are martial artists. Steve is, once more, a Steve. I don't recall Steves having any sort of training or natural ability.
No, if Steve's getting out of this, it's because Sombra pulled a Grinch and his heart grew three sizes until it actually came into existence, or because Steve thinks his way out of it. Despite Twilight being much, much more intelligent than he is, she lacks common sense. Steve's got a good shot of using the old thinkpan. But spell-slinging and fisticuffs is a sure way to get wrecked.
Okkk, this is getting very creepy
Every time I read something like "A purple blast of magic put me to sleep", I get really mad. Buck those magic-abusing dirty-playing unicorns.
The D-Meter...?
imagizer.imageshack.us/a/img72/8619/scootsi.gif
Sorry. This continued sudden change just makes the story feel too disjointed. I've switched my rating to thumbs down.
Things will get worse from here on out, won't they?
This chapter is scary even with Yakety Sax.
It's that last line,"search for the Unicorn." That gets me, it's a very odd line. Plus I like the mental hospital. Very Cuckoo nest. And the entire Rarity pounding on the walls scene was brilliant. I can just see her doing that.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
The last available chapter!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
:o aw
Inb4changelings.
5841747
yeah, don't know where these mane 6 came from...
He should have smiled and nodded to twilight and then made his move. They would have gone for it.
5844459 At least somebody likes the mental hospital stuff...
5844387 Correction: more scary.
5843405 No. I think this is as dark as it'll get. There should be some vanilla stuff soon. Or I might be lying.
5843307 Good idea.
5843166 I was going for Discord-meter, but whatever is funnier.
5842637 As I said in an earlier reply, I have a hard time writing strictly comedy. While a small part of my brain tells me to write another Sombra petting scene, a far larger part tells me to do the exact opposite of that. Although I'd still consider this a comedy. Just a black comedy. Unless I'm the only one that still thinks that...
5842511 Come on now. I should have it out in four weeks, tops.
5842505 Why not both?
5841915 Thank you for saying so! I'm not sure why this comment got a thumbs down, but... alright.
5841865 The good ol' bait and switch. All right, ALL TAGS will be used!
The mental hospital was brilliant. They literally put Sombra in a nut house run by a nut house. And it looks like he pulled other pony's in as well. As near as I can tell from the comments the ONLY pony who should have been in there was Sombra. And Discord collected the rest all on his own.
5843239 I understand and at least thank you for letting me know why you didn't like where things were going. This started as a one-shot that some people enjoyed, so I decided to add on to it. It could've remained as a weekly comedy routine between Sombra and Steve in the condo, but I knew I'd grow to hate doing the same thing over and again.
The story could have also ended once in Equestria, with Sombra proving a worthless sack of fur and Steve confirming with everyone that he's actually his friend and too lazy to start any new wars. That would've worked fine, but also a tad boring for me.
I write 80% dark stories and a small amount of comedies. Even those comedies tend to be pretty black upon occasion.
I went in this direction because it interested me. If it feels disjointed to you, then it is. I can't change how you feel about it. I was going for a more Wizard of Oz/Alice in Wonderland type shift in tone, but I might have gone closer to Return to Oz. That's fine, too. I like dark.
But at least you let me know what you didn't like. And that actually is important if I want to improve upon future writing projects.
No hard feelings.
5845751
If you say so.
Discord running the asylum? Okay that's scarier than going for a doctor's visit and finding out the Joker is your proctologist and Deadpool is his nurse.
And much like THAT situation, certain parts of my anatomy are drawing up in fearful sympathy for what is probably in store for Steve in the near future...
5845917
The only thing worse than that would be the scenario you described, but Deadpool would be in a sexy nurse outfit. Without his red suit on.
5845751 Don't get me wrong, I do like fics where the main character has some form of mental instability/delusions/dis-associative personality disorder, but the grim factor escalated rather quickly. It is still a good fic though.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5845806
*nod* I will continue reading and leave it in the "under consideration" bin for my recommendations group, since I'm still curious and it's still possible that the effect of the disjointedness I perceive will be washed out by future writing.
5845806
Yeah, I had a feeling that this started as more of a one-shot. Something starting out light and then going dark, is fine really. Look at the Harry Potter series. The fact you are at least self-aware of this and this is intentional makes the tone shift easier to swallow.
.....okay. Things getting a bit dark now.
Are we sure this is our Equestria or one those evil ones?
5841747
DUN DUN DUN!
Inb4 this is an alternate world or something like that
I can't wait to see what's happening next
5842278
5841747
Maybe this is a Nexus Equestria
At this point, I don´t see why Steve should give a damn about Sombra or the Six. Let those bastard ponies deal with each other...
... unless, as Steve pointed, Twilight´s reason for wanting Sombra back has something to do with the human world
Getting strong Scientology vibes here.
Well,Here's hoping the human gets access to the one thing that'd give him a fighting chance...something sharp,or something moderately heavy and hard.
Nurse Ratchet? I’d honestly prefer Sergeant Sprinkles’ Pinkie Pie than this expy of Nurse Ratched… slow death beats extended torture and lobotomy any day of the week.
5852080 hmmm how about a fucking gun or atleast a glock
I see what you did there[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2X_2IdybTV0]
This story is so fucking good.