Flutternight
Joined 17th Jul, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Bucking Nonsense · 36k words · 2,210 66 · 24k views
- thunderclap · 119k words · 612 79 · 16k views
- Karshiva · 2k words · 103 7 · 4k views
- Dirty Bit · 105k words · 276 10 · 5.1k views
- Lord Midnight · 99k words · 510 88 · 10k views
- Bucking Nonsense · 14k words · 115 4 · 2.2k views
- ForestOfSpring · 16k words · 74 4 · 2.7k views
- Crosis · 19k words · 115 6 · 2.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.068 seconds
Total duration
582 users online
804,185 hits today, 2,130,388 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I admit, this isn't quite the type of stories I usually like to read. Not really my taste. But curiosity brought me in, as I couldn't figure out:
- why you began and then stopped writing the story
- why there was such dislike for the story and even more, no explanation in the commentaries
The absence of any commentary is what I find the most surprising. I've had my fair share of stories people seemed to hate, but most of the time people told me why they didn't like them...
So, about your story. As said, it's not exactly what I like, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the dislikes seemed to indicate. For a first try, I would call it encouraging. Still, with what it's worth (my judgment is merely an opinion), I did find a few things that you could think about or try to improve.
***
First, repetitions, sonority and errors left in the text (I'm guilty too).
The second "day" is superfluous. It creates an emphasis on the word "day" that doesn't really makes sense in the context of the story. (it would make sense if you wanted to oppose it to the fact that the story were to begin at night ("It was a dreary day in Ponyville that day. The night, by chance, was hiding it pretty well").
By the way:
Begining the story with a depressing sentence like this one indicates the tone of the story will be sad. But the tone of the story is actually quite cheerful, fun and epicish (that's not a word, but I don't have any other). The first impression you give to the reader is very important.
Castle, castle, castle... it makes it come out of the text way too much, as, in the end, the castle isn't very important to understand the story.
It felt like you used that word a lot. It became distracting at some point. But maybe only because I've never encountered it often...
As for sonority:
It might sound weird, but I expected a rhyme at the end of every sentence. You begin with "low", then "fall", them "home", words that all have a similar sonority. Then you have "around them" (that breaks the tone, but that's a good thing), then "wrong", then "say", then "out".
And the "out" sounds kind of alien to the rest of the whole thing. It's hard for me to explain, it just didn't sound right. I feel like even a "but a certain alicorn princess was on the case" would have helped (the best I can imagine being a rhyme with "home", but I can't find any).
Ignore that part of my comment if it doesn't make sense to you. ANd if you're indecided, just try reading the whole thing out loud.
Also, little thing:
This works for a cartoon, animated or not, but not really in a written text. Hard to explain in english, but it basically suspends the way the narration works just for that sentence and is too surprising for the reader...
As far as I know, a better way to do the transition is a classic "As they departed, unknown to them, something was happening deep in the Everfree Forest...".
***
Now, the biggest point: Rarity's experience with vines.
I admit, I'm not much for sex content, but why not... I imagine some people might have been surprised (as I was) to have someone using "Flutternight" as a pseudo making sex content in a story, but you warned them with the mature rating, the tags and the description of the story. So it's the reader's fault at that point.
What I consider to be a problem, however, is the banality and almost gratuitous aspect of the scene. I'm not sure I'm using "gratuitous" in the correct way, but what I mean is that there seem to be little reason for it to happen, as:
- there isn't much causation (you gave no indication such a thing could happen, no hint or clue, and Rarity didn't do anything that seemed to imply such an outcome)
- there isn't much consequence (as far as can be seen)
Having read some clop fics, it's quite normal. Most don't care to really justify the sex scenes, just like most porn movies (as far as I know, once again...). But your story seems to be an epic story more than a clop fic, so as a reader I sort of expect for such scenes to have a meaning or an impact in that story.
Also, and that a personal opinion, Rarity seems to react way too quietly to that event, almost as if it was a normal occurence. Once again, and I won't pass judgment on that observation, it's quite normal for a porn content, but is a bit disturbing in the context of an epic tale, as my understanding of such event is that they can have heavy traumatic effects.
I'm not sure what your intention was.
***
And that's pretty much it. I could go into little details, but I don't think it would serve much purpose. When it comes to the story itself, it's kind of classic (a big enemy, an item to find, a group to form, probably a journey). You're still in the introduction, so it's neither good nor bad.
I don't know why the others disliked the story. As for myself, I think there is potential. If I had only one remark to make, it would be that the first chapter seemed to have more passion put into it than the second chapter, even if, as far as I can judge, the sex scene is pretty well done (but others would be way better than me to talk about it).
It seems you've given up. You wouldn't be the first one to give up. I won't tell you you should absolutely try again, or persevere, or make you any promise of any sort (even more because I've given up myself long ago), but I want to say your story was judged, in my opinion, way more harschly than it actually deserved (which surprises me, but that's another subject). My point is: for a first time, you did good.
I imagine I'm way too late, but I'll have tried my best to give you some ideas of ways to improve, if you were to try writing again one day.
6576368 hanks for the advice and kind words. It really means a lot to me. I'm glad someone has finally replied. You are right that I pretty much gave up on this, but I think I may be able to continue it someday while keeping what you said in mind. The second chapter could probably use a bit of rewrtiting come to think of it, while doing some editing of the first chapter too.
6577201
That's a good spirit. I mean, just do what you want and have fun doing it
. Don't let bad experiences get in the way.
I would advise to try a few short stories first. But not everybody likes to write short stories, so back to the "do what brings you the most fun"
. Be it writing or anything else.
To be honest, I've still got some difficulties getting over the fact nobody else took the time to leave you would it only be a sentence or a few words. I'm being childish, but heck, I'll grant myself the right to be just that right now...