Spike ( Attempts to) Throw a Bachelor's Party, and Ends Up Becoming a Drug Dealer

by Namechanger

Doing Time

The courtyard was grassy for the most part. Splotches of dead yellow grass spotted the area while the prisoners commuted. Spike was pretty sure he saw some colt get shanked while he followed Chems to the lunch tables across the court. Laughing could be heard from across the outdoor cafeteria at a table with a few stallions and a gryphon who sported an eye patch and a tattoo of a heart entitled: MOM.

"What's up his rear end?" Spike asked, pointing at the menacing gryphon who was staring at the both of them with his good eye.

"That's just Dragonkiller. He illegally hunted dragons in the Everfree and Yellowbelly Forest."

"Well that's just flipping fantastic," Spike groaned as he tried to catch up to Chems.

"Don't worry, I got some guys who can cover us while I figure out an escape plan. You should ask around and figure out if anyone knows anything about a tunnel or something."

"A tunnel? That sounds pretty cliché..." Spike trailed off as he took a seat with Chems at a vacant table.

"Yeah, but it works. Plus, we have to get our records back from the main office unless you don't mind moving away to Zebraka or the Eternal Winterlands. Those files need to be destroyed and fast before they are put into the record room."

"Okay, then how about this: I deal with the records and you find out how to get out of here?" Spike said, extending a hand for a shake.

"Fine. I like the way you think, Spike. You and I are gonna throw the best party for the bachelor!"

Spike went over to the counter serving food and drinks. He asked for a swig of water and gulped it down. Smoke puffed out his mouth as he burped and the gryphon took notice of it. A quick stare down commenced and for a moment, all noise stopped.

Spike looked at Dragonkiller in the face and thought: Well maybe he knows about a way to get into the office...

He approached the gang with a strut. He could walk the walk, but he had to talk the talk (although he definitely could not talk the talk). When he was only feet away from the table, most of the stallions where brandishing knives or other assorted melee weaponry. Sweat rolled down Spikes forehead as he tried not to freak out.

"Uh... Yo yo mah fool... Uhhh. Do y'all know about how I can get into the main office? Fo shizzle?"

The gryphon pulled out a ridiculously large blade from under his wing and rushed Spike. He pinned him against a wall and held the blade close to his throat. Spike whimpered and tried to reason with him.

"Hey, hey. Calm down, let's just put the knives down and we can talk, huh?"

The gryphon laughed and lifted his eye patch. An empty, sewn socket was all that was there.

"You see this?" Dragonkiller said, "the last dragon I killed did this to me. I skinned him alive and wore him as a coat."

"I bet it must have been one ugly coat," Spike tried to laugh, but the knife made it hard to breath.

Spike explained to the gryphon about the cake, the lab, the arrest, the party, the wedding, and everything else in hopes that he would understand. It didn't work as he hoped it would.

"I'm still gonna cut your skin off and wear you as a coat... Or a handbag. I haven't made up my mind. Boys!" Dragonkiller snapped his fingers.

The other colts grabbed each of his limbs and readied to pull him apart. Spike's heart raced as he thought this would be the end of his road. He croaked out a yelp as they began to pull hard.

"Wait!" Chems shouted through the crowd. He galloped over to Dragonkiller and tried to save Spike.

"What do you want Chems? Can't you see me and the boys are in the middle of something?"

"I can, but he is with me, DK. I need him to get out of here!"

"What are you talking about fool?"

"This dragon came up to me this morning with some of the purest coke I have ever seen in my entire life. He needs to get out of here to throw a party for a friend of his and I'm supposed to help him as long as he partners up with me in my business!"

"This dragon is gonna be cooking with you?" Dragonkiller was taken back.

"Yes, he's one of a kind."

"He's an idiot. . . Boys! Let's keep him in one piece for now." He snapped his fingers again and the colts let him go. Spike dropped to the ground on his back with a thud and brushed himself off. Shaking his head, he turned towards Chems and Dragonkiller and tried to speak in his calmest voice even as his heart was still pounding in his chest.

"Listen, we have to find a way out of here. I have to get Shining Armor to his bachelor party before the wedding. I also have to find a place to hold it and get some party favors to make it extra special!"

Chems moved closer to Dragonkiller and whispered in his ear, "he means he needs blow and some young fillies looking to sell themselves for some bits."

Dragonkiller laughed harshly in a guttural way, "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. I don't know anything about how to get into the main office or the records room for that matter; but I do know a way out of this place. . . For a price."

"What type of price?" Asked Spike.

"Well I assume you don't have any money or drugs you could give me," Dragonkiller said, scratching his chin, "but you could get a job done for me if you're interested."

"What if I'm not?" Spike asked.

"Oh, then I'll kill you right here."

"Plan A it is then."

Spike pulled Chems aside and leaned in close to him, "I can't tell if he's bluffing or what, but are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Relaaaaaaaax, we get this murdering psychopath's job done and then we get out of here scott-free!" Chems turned back to Dragonkiller and met his stare.

"Do we have a deal?" Dragonkiller asked.

"What is the job, first of all?"

"I need you to get something back from somepony and give it to me. It's a little black box containing some... Important cargo that was supposed to be delivered to me personally by a pony who had it in with some of the guards and made a few deals with some drug runners out in Hoofdale. He went dark the night I was gonna do the exchange in this very courtyard, but I know for a fact that that egg sucking scumbag Firebird took it and even cut my contact."

"So you want us to get the box and find your contact?" Spike asked.

"Screw the contact, get the box. And give Firebird a good beat down and make sure he knows it's from me."

"Doesn't sound too hard, " Chems said, "I know a guy in here that could get us the keys to Firebird's cell. We can sneak in and grab the box if it's in there, then Firebird and give him what's coming to him."

Spike extended his claws and shook Dragonkiller's paw. Chems did the same and they both went opposite ways. About an hour later, Chems showed Spike the way to Firebird's cell and they entered.

"We have to hurry, it's going to get dark in a couple of hours and we need to find a place to hold the party!" Spike said, sifting through Firebird's stuff.

"Yeah. I was thinking; maybe you could rent out a strip joint's back room and have a little party there? I'm thinking since Shining Armor is almost always on duty, he doesn't have many friends, so it can be like a three pony kind of thing... Or two ponies and a dragon," Chems suggested.

"Who's the second pony?" Spike asked, looking up from the now wrecked room from the vigorous sifting.

"Well, me of course. I'll help you pay the renting fee and in turn you and I can cook some more 'cake'!"

"You bake a cake, not cook one'," Spike said laughing.

"You really haven't caught on have you?"

"Caught on what?"

"We aren't really making cake, we can order one. I'm talking about meth. You and I will cook meth and sell it in order to make a profit, you and I will both make a ton of cash, Shiny will have his party, and you can take the credit as host!"

That idea did sound like a good one. There didn't seem to be any possible way that Spike would be screwed over as long as he didn't let Chems pull any tricks. Plus, he trusted Chems since he was the one helping him break out of jail. Spike turned towards him and crossed his arms.

"Alright, I'll cook meth with you. I catch on quick, but you'll have to walk me through the process a few times. Partners?" Spike extended a claw.

"Partners!" Chems smiled and shook his claw, "And guess what."

"Yeah?"

"I found Dragonkiller's package," he said, pointing outside if the cell door.

Chems pointed towards the courtyard where Firebird was visible. They had expected him to be not much of a challenge alone, but they didn't expect him to be surrounded by a gang of cutthroats and murderers. Firebird's yellow orange coat and mane, plus his shackled wings, made it easy to spot him out, but the others were darker and more devilish.

"I count at least ten of them," Chems said to Spike in a depressed tone.

"Ponyfeathers."