Tales from Equestria

by Hereward

The Great Race

Princess Luna sat upon her throne. She had just been performing astral projection and found, not only that nopony had issues manifesting in their dreams at this time, but there was also a lack of interesting material in the few ponies who were dreaming. She sighed as she considered that there was probably another three or four hours before it was worth another try. One possibility open to her was to sleep herself; alicorns had little need of sleep and could turn it on and off like a pony flicking a light switch. Night court was always slow-paced, past and present. She was just about to shut down her fully conscious state when the doors to the throne room burst open and a familiar brightly-coloured earth pony cantered in.

"Miss Pinkie Pie!" Luna identified. "It is most unorthodox of you to be here, especially in the middle of the night." The poor mortal seemed to be exhausted. "Wouldst thou like to be seated and refresh thyself with any of our beverages?"

"I... have... no... idea... what you... just said." Pinkie panted. She planted her hindquarters on the floor anyway and took a deep breath through her nose until she was settled. "I've come to warn you of the gravest news." Luna stood up and locked her eyes with Pinkie Pie.

"Hast thou learned of a plan to invade our kingdom?" She asked. "Is there evidence of Discord escaping? Is Ponyville being attacked by a denizen of the Everfree?!?"

"It's bad news for you and you alone." She answered. "There's a crowd of ponies heading this way and they don't look pleased in the slightest."

"What do you know of them, Miss Pie?"

"They're from Manehatten."

"That's nearly thirty miles away."

"They're members of the EDL." Luna gave her a look of bewilderment. "The Equestrian Defence League. They want you, Princess."

"Is this another group of paranoid ponies who see me as the disguise of Nightmare Moon?"

"They used to be. Now they're concerned with the side-effects of your whole 'night eternal' episode."

"Side-effects? They wish for the Everfree Forest to be destroyed?"

"Nope. Apparently, when you succumbed to the nightmare, you left two half-eaten quorn sausages on a plate in the royal dining room at the old castle."

"Did I?" Luna's memories were still rather sketchy about the year of her fall.

"You know what happened to those sausages left unattended for a thousand years?"

"I would suppose they got covered in mould."

"Your sausages now occupy seven-eighths of the old castle. Also you left 650 bits in your bank account; thanks to compound interest you now own ninety percent of all of Equestria's wealth and because it's been left untouched for a thousand years nopony's got any money except for you and Celestia." Luna wondered how this was.

"Why Celestia?" She checked.

"You left the light on in the bathroom. There's a final demand in their hoofs for 180 billion bits."

"A hundred and eighty billion bits!?!" Luna almost slipped into the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Surely you jest!"

"April Foal!" Pinkie Pie declared with a Groucho mask on.

"My dearest Pinkie Pie it is not April."

"I know that, Princess. But I only came up with this gag yesterday and I couldn't hold it off so long."

"Pinkie Pie, though your joking nature has brought welcome relief from the monotony of Night Court I should point out that this court is held for urgent news, legal proceedings and petition backlogs." She stepped down to be on the same level with the crazy pink pony. "If you take it upon yourself to visit us in this court again for such trivialities, then we shall have no choice but to commence discipline." Though her vocal tone was serious she gave Pinkie a wry smile and a discreet wink. Pinkie Pie spoke every language of wit and humour so smiled back and said, half-seriously.

"Understood, Princess. Rest assured you won't catch me pulling pranks in your court again." With that she left. Luna smiled at her informality.

---

Though it was just a joke Pinkie Pie's words set cogs turning in Princess Luna's head. She had been away for a thousand years and she didn't know if Celestia had made any changes to her bank account in that time. She resolved to look at her records once night time was over.

Luna was reluctant to procrastinate on the subject of her finances just because her sister had taken to their having their morning and evening meals together whenever possible, so she made the decision to reveal everything at breakfast. While it was technically supper for her the terminology remained diurnal for the convenience of the staff and servants.

"Oh!" Celestia exclaimed once Luna had finished her spiel. "I'm so sorry, Luna. I completely forgot about that. No matter; I shall seek to enlighten you as to your bank balance." Luna held up a hoof.

"My dear sister," She announced, "Don't trouble yourself so. I shall uncover all I can by my own skills."

"At least let me make an appointment for you to discuss the transactions with the Master of Accounts." Celestia looked almost pleading to be of aid.

"As you wish."

---

"How Much?!?" Princess Luna yelled in astonishment, forcing the Master of Accounts into the wall with the force of her voice.

"I...I...I repeat, your majesty." He stuttered. "Ten thousand trillion, seventy-two thousand nine hundred and eighty-four billion, seven hundred and fifty-seven thousand nine hundred and fifty million bits. That's starting with six bits and eight reins with five percent interest accumulated for a thousand years."

"But surely the interest rate would vary over time. Let me see the records for myself." He handed over the massive file, one of only two of its scale, and Princess Luna brought out a writing implement with a notepad and an abacus and immediately began to revise the enormous accounting details.

The Master of Accounts waited patiently; he was sorely tempted to get himself a coffee during this time but did not want to risk interrupting the Princess. After a long and complex calculation Princess Luna came to a conclusion.

"Your calculations are most commendable." She announced. "Accounting for changes in interest rates I would say that you've left me with just twenty thousand bits too many." He stared at her upon mentioning this. "Therefore I suppose the only option is for me to withdraw the 20,000 and give it away. As to what's left I shall have to make consultations."

---

"How would your majesty like it?" The cashier asked once Princess Luna presented her with the cheque.

"I would request incremental divisions." She answered, promptly listing off various halves until the result would surely be zero.

"I...I...I'm..." Luna could clearly see that the cashier was flustered, fearing for her very soul.

"Fear not, noble citizen." She interrupted. "I still have many topics of modern Equestria to study. Please explain what denominations are available for my withdrawal." The cashier let out a relieved sigh and recited.

"If your highness is willing to wait I shall list them from smallest to highest." She took a deep breath before reciting. "The one anno coin, the eight anno coin, the one rein coin, the eight rein coin, the one bit coin, the ten bit coin, the hundred bit note and the thousand bit note."

"Very well." Luna conceded. "I shall have seventeen thousand bit notes, twenty-three hundred bit notes, sixty-four ten bit coins, thirty one bit coins, fourteen eight rein coins, three hundred and twenty one rein coins, a hundred and ninety eight anno coins and sixteen one anno coins." The cashier stared gobsmacked for a moment before answering.

"As you wish, m'am." She stood up. "This may take a while."

Princess Luna watched impassively as the request was passed through. First came the eight rein coins, then the annos, then the thousand bit notes, then the hundred bit notes, then the bits, then the ten bits coins, then the eight anno coins, and then came the reins. All laid out upon the counter, the notes in bundles and the coins in pouches. Swiftly Luna summoned a pair of saddlebags and packed the takings into one of the satchels.

---

"That's got to be the most interesting anecdote I've heard all day." Celestia quipped when her sister had finished recounting the events.

"If our visit to the bank is the most interesting thing you've heard, then what hast our subjects been beseeching you for?"

"The usual stuff. Offers to hold shares in their businesses, patronage of their businesses, neighbourhood disputes, complaints about taxation."

"Taxation? Of course! With the funds that are at our disposal Equestria can receive a tax cut." Celestia held up a hoof.

"You are at liberty to provide tax rebates, but those rates are there for a reason. The Value Added Tax is highly variable because I hold great concern in how competitive business could result in the smaller names being kicked out by the finanical power of the more profitable ones. They're there to prevent corporations from forming."

"You use taxation to counter corporatocracy? Why? You could've just implemented legislation that says how big a business can form."

"And risk a public outcry? No, Luna. I like to see success in some businesses but wish for it to be done harmoniously. On the other hand, with some negociation, the income tax could be cut or you could finance the entire state pension scheme if you wish. But, for now, what do you intend to do with 20,000 bits?"

---

"A race?" Applejack double-checked.

"That's what she said." Twilight answered as she looked over the letter again. "There's to be a race from Ponyville to Canterlot. Entrants must apply to the palace by mail. Use of magic and flight are strictly forbidden. First to cross the finish line shall receive a prize of 10,000 bits, with all subsequent ponies who actually complete the race receiving a prize half that of the one who crosses before them."

"Wha' the hay does tha' mean?" Applejack looked at her in a bewildered fashion.

"I suppose second place gets 5,000 bits, third place gets 2,500 bits and so on." Twilight answered.

"Just show me the application form!" Rainbow Dash declared.

"An' wha' are yer gonna do wi' ten thousand bits?" Applejack asked incredulously.

"I'm not racing for the money." Rainbow answered. "It's the honour, the glory. When I win those bits are gonna be shared out around Ponyville."

"Rainbow," Twilight debated, "There are officially 650 residents in Ponyville; that would mean a share-out of fifteen bits, six and five. Would you really consider that a worthwhile split?"

"I don't mind as long as I can bask in the victory." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "And, in money terms, it would mean that everypony's a winner."

"Well, yer no' gonna ge' a walk-in-the-park." Applejack remarked. "Coz Ah'm gonna apply t'this race. Ah'm still investin' in ge'in' Granny Smith a hip-replacemen' an' ten thousand bits ain't gonna go a miss; Ah might even hit mah target with'at."

"Well, why don't we all enter?" Rarity suggested. "Each of us has a reasonable chance and, be it fame or fortune, the outcome should be favourable however it occurs."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Twilight acknowledged as she sought to acquire six entry forms.

---

"Are your plans for the race holding up?" Celestia asked at supper.

"Very much so." Luna answered. "There have been fifty-three entrants and I've managed to narrow it down to fifteen prospective ponies. We've got Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkamena Diane Pie, Rarity, Derpy Doo, Lyra Heartstrings, Caramel, Berry Punch, Rose, Golden Harvest, Junebug, Vinyl Scratch and Matilda." Celestia had her eyebrow cocked since Luna mentioned Twilight.

"I'm not too surprised that Twilight and her friends decided to enter." She stated. "However this will require comprehensive supervision to ensure nopony cheats."

"I've seen to that!" Luna declared. "The number of guards at our disposal is far in excess of what is necessary, so a proportion of them can provide proficient surveillance."

"Indeed." Celestia acknowledged. "However I fear that having them at the start and finish would be problematic, so I shall have to request that Twilight be withdrawn from the race so she can provide a less formal kind of supervision and also keep tabs on the progress of the race." Luna wasn't too cheery about this but took it in her stride.

"Very well." She sighed.

---

The day of the race arrived. A banner had been set up for the starting line and everypony was lining up for the race. Twilight gave words of encouragement to her friends just as Spike turned up with a trilby on his head, a pencil tucked in it and carrying a blackboard with all their names on it.

"What have you got there, Spike?!?" Twilight asked in bewilderment.

"You know how important hoards are to dragons?" He checked. "Well, I think I've found a way to develop a small one that won't send me overboard again. I'm making up a book on the race and there's heavy bets on who's gonna finish when." Twilight sighed at this and hoped his deduction was right.

"Well, you can stratch me off the list." She said. "Princess Celestia has asked me to be an umpire for the race."

"That's messed up the odds," He replied, "'Cause I've got you down as fifty to one both ways." He grabbed a piece of chalk to write the current odds on the board. "Twilight Sparkle: Non-runner." He chalked out 'N.R.' on the board.

"And what about the rest of us?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Let's see." He answered. "Applejack; experienced mare, despite weight although it's mostly muscle, could stay the field, even money: Favourite." He chalked up 'F/F' on the board. "Fluttershy; filly, last time out was Pinkie's last party." She curled up in embarrassment. "Fell at the sixth fruit cup: Five to one. Pinkie Pie; cavities in the teeth, broken wind." They all gave him a disgusted look at the lack of tact. "Weight and mentality go against this runner: Fifty to one. Rainbow Dash; young pony, enjoys her oats but won't pass a filly."

"Just you wait and see!" She interrupted.

"But always a good finisher: Ten to one."

"And what about me?" Rarity asked, battering her eyelashes.

"I've got you down as a good each-way bet." He answered.

"Oh, well fair enough." She seemed a touch flattered. Just then a pegasus chariot soared overhead, circling in a fashion that suggested it was about to land. When it did both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna vacated the transport.

"Hello." Spike murmured. "Looks like we're on starters' orders."

"My little ponies," Celestia announced, "I'd like to extend a warm welcome to all for the great race orchestrated by my dear sister, competitors and spectators alike. However, before we begin this race I have some rather bad news; aside from Luna and myself the only other judge is Blueblood." Rarity's face took on an appearance of disgusted shock. "This may have a small effect but disqualification requires a unanimous decision." With that the two of them went to wish luck upon all the competitors before Celestia guided Twilight to the hot air balloon, whispering a few guidelines for refereeing.

"EVERYPONY." Luna declared as she stood at the starting line, making use of the Royal Canterlot Voice for the announcement. "READY. GET SET. GO!" With that fifty-six hooves pounded the dirt road as they began the race. Once the dust had settled Luna returned to the chariot where Celestia was waiting. Twilight had already taken off with another pony, who was relaying race information back to Spike. Before he could get any updates, however, he spotted Rose stumbling before she even left Ponyville proper.

"Looks like Rose is out of it!" He announced.

After a few minutes he espied his aide's semaphore signals from the balloon.

"It's Applejack versus Rainbow Dash for pole position!" He cried out. "What's this? Applejack a hundred and one for first place!" He amended his blackboard.

---

The race was abuzz with activity. In the earlier stages Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Lyra competed against each other more than anypony else until Lyra was left behind when she began to feel the strain of long-distance running. As the race began to ascend the road to Canterlot Matilda dropped out, having been in second-to-last place for most of the way.

It was a fierce competition. When the racing ponies came into view of the sentries on the fringes of Canterlot there was a curious development. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had managed to stay at the front of the pack but were now joined by Rarity of all ponies and Caramel was rapidly gaining on them. As they entered the city Rainbow Dash stumbled something awful and looked like she was going to cartwheel over the cliff edge when Applejack intercepted and caught her on her back. With that she carried on to the finish line until she came into line with Rarity when there was only six yards to go.

"It's a photo finish!" An announcer cried out. "Was it Rarity or Applejack?"

"Oh, Rainbow darling!" Rarity cried out. "Whatever happened?" The pegasus groaned as she got back onto her hooves.

"I guess I got carried away when I saw the finish line." She admitted. "I forgot the final leg would be on paving and caught a hoof in the cobbles. If Applejack hadn't intervened I may not even have been able to fly out of that drop."

"Oh my. Applejack, I know I've called you uncouth and slovenly in the past but today you've shown just how noble you are." She turned to the judges. "Princess Celestia, in light of Applejack's heroism I wish to forfeit my position and have Applejack declared the winner."

"Hold it right there, sug. Fer a high-class pony yer sure gave it yer all and got to first place. Therefore Ah'd say that yer the one who deserves first place, Ah'll be quite content with second."

"Heh, if you're gonna be so noble then I'm forfeiting my position in the race." Rainbow Dash declared. "Seeing as how I was carried for the final leg."

"Now wait right there!" Blueblood interrupted. "In a photo finish it's not for some common racers to decide who's won; that decision sits with me." He had stood up behind the table upon which sat a selection of trophies and medals along with a tea set and a cake.

"Oh, if that's how it is." Rarity returned. "Perhaps we can help you. Applejack, are you free?"

"Ah sure am." She noticed the glint in her eye.

"Follow me." They trotted round the back of the table with Applejack picking up a bowl of sugar and Rarity levitating a jug of milk up. Standing behind Blueblood on either side they carefully timed their actions so they poured the milk and sugar simultaneously over his head as he sat there, believing his authority to be a trump card against this.

"You're disqualified." He droaned in his affected accent. "Both of you. Guards, take them into custody."

"Delay that." Celestia quickly interjected, raising her hoof. "And they are not disqualified; it does require all the judges to agree on the subject. Besides," She grinned, "I always wanted to do that." She levitated the cake. "Have some cake." She then dropped it right on top of him.

"And since you were so keen on having these two most noble of ponies in custody..." Luna added as another jug materialised over Blueblood's head, which emptied its contents of custard all over him. In utter shock the toffee-nosed stallion slowly turned and walked away. "Since the third judge appears to be indisposed I would guess that it falls to Celestia and I to determine the outcome of this race." The two of them whispered to each other.

"My little ponies," Celestia announced, "In view of the close-run finale of the race between Applejack and Rarity, coupled with Applejack's noble act of heroism, we've decided to declare first place a tie." With beaming smiles the two ponies in question bowed in gratitude. Twilight now came up to the Princesses. "Ah, my faithful student. How has the race progressed?"

"Well, Princess," She answered, "Of the fourteen competitors eight have reached the finish line, two gave up on the first furlong, three gave up en route and one..." She checked her notes, "Is on her way to Armadillo?"

On the road leading off into the Eastern desert, bypassing Canterlot, a single pegasus ran at a steady pace.

"This is so much fun!" Derpy shouted to the surrounding landscape.

---

"One thing we don't understand, sister." Luna commented during Pinkie's Great-Race Party. "How could our account's interest rate have remained five percent per annum for a thousand years?"

"It couldn't." Celestia answered. "But the variations all added up to an equivalent of five percent." Luna gave a nod. Just then the door to the ballroom opened and two pegasus guards entered with a grey pegasus between them. "Thanks for finding her. Dismissed." Derpy looked uneasy and charistically confused. "Apologies for the rough manner of your escort, but if you had been left to continue you may have collapsed in the middle of the desert. Now, will all racers assemble for the prize-giving." All fourteen assembled.

"To Rairty and Appejack," Luna announced, "Five thousand bits." She handed over to large pouches. "To Caramel, two thousand, five hundred bits. To Pinkie Pie, one thousand, two hundred and fifty bits. To Vinyl Scratch, six hundred and twenty-five bits. To Golden Harvest, three hundred and twelve bits, eight. To Fluttershy, one hundred and fifty-six bits, four. To Rainbow Dash, seventy-eight bits, two. To Berry Punch, Matilda and Lyra, thirty-nine bits, one rein each. To Derpy, nineteen bits, eight and sixteen. Finally, to Junebug and Rose, nine bits, twelve and eight." With all those handed out, Celestia turned to Twilight.

"In light of your role as an umpire excluding you from the race," She said, "I hereby grant you ten bits for services rendered."

"Oh, Princess!" Twilight replied, giving a bow. "I couldn't possibly..."

"Please, Twilight." Celestia cut her off. "Everypony says stuff like that. For once, I'd like to hear you state your opinion without buttering up any."

"It's true, though." She answered. "I really was honoured that you'd select me as an umpire."

"And I'd be honoured if you'd let me actually tip you for it." Celestia set the bits at Twilight's hooves. With those accepted she gave a pre-planned gesture towards Luna, whereupon they both stood in a position that told everypony that there was more to come.

"In light of our current finanical state," Luna announced, "We have agreed to revise the tax system. From now on anypony who earns less than ten thousand bits a year shalt be exempt from taxation, the income tax band shall be changed to a one percent to ten percent means-tested system. National Insurance shall be set to three percent and will only be paid by those who earn more than forty thousand bits a year and VAT rates, while unchanged, shall be lifted off all foods unless they are purchased for consumption on the commercial premises where they were bought, along with all clothing that has no gemstones in their production." A few more upgrades were listed as they went, resulting in an ecstatic cheer from the assembled mass.

Author's Note:

The monetary system used in this story is my earlier assumption, but it's not really my favourite.

Comments

[King Kenya]

5000 bits each for rarity and applejack? doesn't that leave you 5000 bits short? The second prize was supposed to be 5000 bits, but caramel got the 3rd place prize of 2500 bits.