Ponysona: The 3rd Season
The story of when a pony must learn that sometimes, heroes will rise above fate and expectations, and subject themselves to the hard truths in the name of friendship and magic. The Velvet Room is in search of their special guest that will prevent the coming calamity that will destory all of equinekind and Sketch Spectrum, experienced in leading adventures and accepting others help, must step outside him self and be the voice of reason to one of the biggest egos in all of Equestria as well as develop partnerships with a band of misfits ponies. As the Mane 6 are too busy taking the Princess' Cutie Mark of Mastery Exam, it is up to the new team of heroes to find the answer to preventing the disater,and their journey lies beyond the Midnight Train to Tarturus,
once she has to stop listing with her eyes closed
I'm sure it should be listening.
my current predicament I was in in Equestria
Not only two ins, but the sentence feels off. A semi-colon between predicament and I, perhaps.
This is quite the phenomenon, isn’t.
Missed an it.
Those who have been chosen guest in the Velvet Room have little in common
Those who have been chosen as guests, or chosen guests.
I was a gasped, “Huh, but why?”
I gasped
Overcoming ominous opposition in overtly oncoming outings of the ostentatious on occasion obviously opened opportunities for our outrageous overpowered overlord who offered others to observe original and outstanding outcomes.
Good alliteration. See, it's not all bad.
I wasn’t thrill to hear her say that
I wasn't thrilled. You have an issue with tense. It is either past (preferred) or present.
come and go out of the box car
Boxcar? That would make an uncomfortable trip. Perhaps a passenger car would be more comfy.
Final Thoughts:
You start well enough, but I do feel there are some issues that need to be adressed. Firstly, you need to make an editing run over the chapter. There are many issues like the ones I pointed out above. I'd be forgiving with one or two, but I caught a few that pulled me out. Secondly, you need to chose a tense and stick with it. Past or present, of which I would suggest past mostly due to being easier to read and write. Thirdly, I would be very careful with having a character with the same name as you. Yes this is Persona crossover, and yes you did point out that they are not the chosen. I am not going to fault the story on this, but just know that someone may.
Good points are that you have my interest, being a long time enjoyer of all things Shin Megami Tensei, of course including Persona. You describe this version of the Velvet Room well, and I like the train imagery. I can also hear the voice of Igor portrayed by the words, which is always a plus.
Suggestions are to be very conscious of your wording choice, do an editing run, and make sure you know what you are getting into, especially when it comes to crossovers. Finally, I hope you have studied the tarot: this is a major theme in the Persona series, and one that needs to be treated with respect. Do some research of the tarot, and make sure you understand what the cards represent.
This chapter has caught my attention. Your next update will decide if it keeps it.
Good Luck.
Very interesting. Persona 3 is one of my favorite games ever. So This will go to my backlog for now. When more than one chapter is posted I shall read.
569187Thank you so much for your lengthy critque! Seriously, it helps. I had done this a week ago when I couldn't sleep and decided that I really would like to expand on both the Persona and MLP universe. To address your concerns:
Yes, like I mentioned I wrote this one and done middle of the night to mid morning and didn't edit it in its entire run until I just posted it today. I plan to edit more carefully in the future.
True, I happen to have a problem with past and present tense, my mind farts tends to slip in between the cracks. I'm working on it and will attempt to do the same in the 3rd POV part of the series as well.
I originally wanted to use my internet pen name, but felt FiM needed a theme name. Sketch Spectrum is kind of a way of saying its his stories in the MLP universe and not my own style. This character portrays Pinkie Pie-esque 4th wall breaking at times because he's has experienced in story elements. I'll try my best not make Sketch sound like me (G.V. Amor) but, I have his same attiude towards things. However, he isn't my "ponysona character." He's a ponysona of a character in a seperate story, (I.D.V)
The best way to describe this is "meta-ponyception?"
Also, yes, the tarot is important (In fact, I just so happened to have picked up a deck at Barns and Nobels a month ago, haven't really picked it up)and I will be researching that and refreshing up on SMT lore (That impish man comment was nod to him being "non-human" and the mention of Aigis' role in FES) I'll be doing more of that and I hope it suits everyones fancy.
Anyway, thanks for the advice! I'll work to create a story that's original and familar to both series as best as I can.