I stood on shaking hooves. It was all around me - the blackness. Those were my people. My race, being thrown carelessly into the ground. Half were dead. The other half were wounded. They formed a blackness around me, one I could never escape. I had failed. My blood dripped from wounds all over my body. My head was filled with delirium and dizziness. I just… I had never meant any of this… Why had this happened?
I tried to take a step and failed. My hoof slipped against the rocky ground as I tried to take a step. I fell back into the crater my body had formed, into the pool of my own blood. There was so much pain in my body… It hurt, so very much. Not a physical hurt. At least, not one I thought of as a physical pain. My wounds burned, yes, but not as much as my heart and my head. My head throbbed as I thought of my hive. My heart yearned for their trust which I had lost. How… How had I lost it?
I opened my eyes. The sun was setting in the Badlands. Changelings fell around me in a cloudless rain of bodies. Most were dead before they hit the ground. I watched as the sun gracefully set. It was Celestia that set it, wasn’t it? I had never really realized that before. The sunset I had watched as a child had always been hers. I watched as she set the sun as she always had, and stars began to flicker to life in the night sky.
My eyes began to shut as I watched the stars come out. They look so beautiful… If I died, here and now, I would never have to go back again. I would never have to see my race, my people, see their broken hearted faces again. I wouldn’t have to see them starving. Dying. Hating me for being so inept.
Blackness filled my eyesight. Tears rolled down my face. In my delirium, I heard but a single thought.
If I were a pony, would things be different?
My eyes snapped open. If I were a pony? Why would I think such a thing?...
And yet…
I groaned as I stood once again. My eyes had hardened into a glare, my mouth into a grimace from the pain. This was my last chance, wasn’t it? If I did this, I might be able to get enough love to feed those few who remain. If it failed, who cares? They’d kill me anyways.
I struggled to walk. It’d be hell to try and get back to Ponyville. I didn’t even think of attempting Canterlot yet. Maybe I wouldn't even touch it. I was just looking to survive, now, even if it meant blasphemy.
My footing faltered after but a few steps. I nearly fell, but as I heard another collision beside me of some of the final changelings, I felt a surge of strength. Like I just had a… meal.
I stood taller, more tears rolling down my face as I realized what was going on. I took a deep breath and kept walking as, slowly, my subjects died. They died, and in their dying breaths, they gave me what little they can: their love.
I struggled, certainly. I teleported some along the way, using what little magic remained in me. The more I passed by those dying, the more strength came my way. One changeling helped me walk at one point. He collapsed after an hour. I tried to help him, but… As his heart gave way, I felt a larger surge than ever. He had loved me to the point of a subject, always and completely loyal to his queen.
I continued to ignore the tears as I walked away from his harvested corpse.
I walked so very far. I feasted on the love of birds as they flew by, and of the plants. Plants can love as well. There was so little to feed on. The holes in my body widened, and my ribs began to show. I coughed up blood more than once. But still, for days, I continued.
Until I finally found grass. My body was so worn and mind so lost to my singular goal, I almost didn’t believe it when I saw it. I kept walking. The grass was sparse, but the lands were growing more fertile. I fed off the plants more, utterly malnourished. But, one day, I neared a settlement. I knew as I felt it - another surge of love. I stole it as I had all other along the way. So one household had an argument one day. I was starving…
I finally grew strong enough, after a week of stealing, to change. I had longed for this development for days now… In a burst of flame, I shifted to my most basic form - a white earth filly with green hair, exactly like my own. I knew I had stunning green eyes, but they would be dull now, matching my hair. I looked at my flank to see a lackluster heart gem, mirroring the last image I had copied. I also noticed my ribs were showing badly, as though I had not eaten in months. I groaned in pain as I began to walk into the village.
Ponies began to see me. They began to whisper amongst themselves. I realized I couldn’t see very well. They all seemed to blend in with one another.
I coughed. There was blood on my hoof when I wiped away the saliva. I looked up to see a pony galloping towards me. I knew it was a pony. That was all I knew as I blacked out.
*~*~*~
I coughed weakly as I opened my eyes. I was in… a rather comfortable bed… My chest was bandaged, and there was a warm bowl of soup beside me. Where was I?
I listened closely. There was someone outside the dim room, speaking. Two ponies, it sounded like. A male and female. “We can’t jus’ let her starve,” the male was saying.
“I don’ care, Braeburn! She wandered outta’ the Badland territory. We can’t keep her here! Ponies’ll be talking...”
“I ain’t sayin’ we keep her here forever, Fritter! Applejack’s a day’s out. I’m sure she’s got room at the farm…”
“Alrigh’... She up yet?”
I quickly tried to duck beneath the covers. The stallion peeked in. I must not have hidden well enough. “Miss? Y’awake?”
I sat up a bit, groaning as I did. My body ached. “I… Yes.” My voice sounded far different. Sweeter. It sounded… foreign.
“Here, y’need some help?...” He trotted over and sat next to me. I shied away from him, until he held up the bowl of soup. I sniffed at it - it smelled delicious. I might not need food, but it certainly wasn’t unwelcome… “Here y’all are… We’ll be movin’ you to a place where there’s a real doctor an’ all. My cuz’ lives there. Y’all will be in good hooves.”
I sipped the soup tenderly, feeling it warm me up. I got a small surge of love from the meal; ‘cooked with love’, I suppose. I smiled gratefully. “T-Thank you…”
He smiled, but it quickly faded as surprise overtook his expression. "Why, I haven't introduced myself yet. Pardon my manners, Miss. I'm Braeburn. What’s your name?”
“M-My name?...” I thought. He said his cousin was that pony, Applejack, earlier… She knew me. I needed a name, and fast… “I’m… Call me Crystal… Crystal Flower.”
He didn’t seem to suspect anything from my slight hesitation. Foal. “Alrigh’, Crystal. Get some rest, now, and jus’ call if y’need anythin’.” I nodded, feeling another bit of love. This stallion was very kind, even though I was a stranger. I smiled. How… nice. It’s a new feeling, niceness. But it didn’t matter much. He trotted out.
I shut my eyes, sighing. I fell asleep quickly, my exhaustion overtaking me. For some reason, I dreamt of blue feathers. That was all; just a few, deep blue feathers. In the morning, the dream faded. It was of no matter, however; there was more soup to eat.
I just went and watched that video. I am sad now.
5453461 I know how you feel...
Whop, there we go, someone's making a fanfic on it.
I think I might too actually, about time I wrote something
5453944
And with mine as well.
Not that poetic and hearttuging like vid but its kinda start.
I'm little dissapointed that you used blue feathers aka luna were it was most sad/beutiful thing in movie and here is just uh nothing? Maybe you plan as plot proggression for this, and I hope that is the case
5453461 *pats on back* Then I'm sorry you're reading this~ I plan to make the ending tragic.
5453562 *hugs* Get ready for a ride, then!
5453671 Yeah, I had a comment that introduced me to it, and I just had to write it! If you want to write one, get to it! Writing's so much fun, and it's a great way to spend your time~
5453944 Glad to have hooked your interest~
5454028 >w< Thanks much for the comment!
5454575 Yeah, it's going to be quite a bit of plot progression. Thinking about Chrys's character, she wouldn't care much, in the beginning, about feathers. Also, in writing a full fledged story, instead of, say, a poem, it would be far less poetic. However, I do still hope you'll read this and enjoy it!~
I am intrigued, I like this intro more than the "If I were a pony"´s (the story one).
Use a comma not a hyphen, also, there should never be spaces around a hyphen.
It should say onto unless you do mean the changelings are being buried.
should be "I just … I had never meant any of this … why had this happened?" The word after an ellipsis should not be capitalized unless it is a proper noun. Ellipses should have a space before and after.
Remove the comma.
We are not Chrysalis, unless, unless we are. Insane symbolism overload.
"I groaned as I stood once again."
Take out have.
struggled*
5470186 I am continuing on a new comment because it is hard to do long comments on a Kindle.
Take out the comma between survive and now. Blasphemy means to speak wrongly about God, so use a different word please.
Remove but.
should be "keep walking as my subjects slowly die."
It should say "I struggled onwards."
No comma and on, not of.
should be "But still, for days, I continued until I finally found grass."
Period instead of an ellipsis. A filly is a child while a mare is an adult. No comma after hair.
before not as.
5470235
should be: Two ponies, a male and female by the sounds of it, were outside the dim room arguing.
“We can’t jus’ let her starve,” the male was saying.
No comma.
No ellipsis.
It should read as follows: I shy away from him until he holds up the bowl of soup. I sniff at it. It smells delicious. I might not need food, but it certainly isn’t unwelcome.
“Here y’all are …
No comma.
Final paragraphs should read as so:
“M-My name? ...” I think. He said his cousin was that pony, Applejack, earlier. She knows me. I needed a name and fast.
“I’m … Call me Crystal … Crystal Flower.”
“Alrigh’, Crystal. Get some rest now and jus’ call if y’need anythin’.”
I nod, feeling another bit of love. This stallion is very kind, even though I am a stranger. I smile. How … nice. It’s a new feeling, niceness.
I close my eyes. For some reason, I dream of blue feathers. In the morning, the dream fades. It is of no matter however; there is more soup to eat.
Hyphens are not used in place of em dashes or commas. An em dash doesn't have spaces around it either. —
Both of these sentences say the same thing, just one elaborates more on the failure. I suggest the first sentence be removed.
Change of perspective here, everything is first person and this is suddenly second person.
You are flipping between present and past tense a couple times within a paragraph.
Comma or em dash, no hyphen.