“Ah, spring!” Sunset inhales a breath of fresh spring air. She walks past numerous buildings to get to her school. “It’s still pretty chilly maybe I should have brought something warmer.” She looks down at her normal outfit, her trademark leather jacket and skirt was not a great wear for the weather. Halfway to the school she kept walking.
The school still had snow melting around. The building maybe blocking out the sun for the snow to melt. “Wonder if Ponyville still do that winter wrap up thing anyway?” She says walking into the building. She walks towards her locker and opened it grabbing a couple of books form it a pair of hands covers her eyes.
“Pinkie I know that’s you!” She grabs the hands and turns smiling. Time seemed to slow down for our bacon haired friend when the the hands she was holding was blue not pink, “Rainbow dash maybe?” She turns to see Sonata with a huge grin on her face and the other two behind her with Principle Celestia behind them. They aren't wearing their old outfits just regular t-shirts and gym shoes.
Sonata was saying to her smiling, pointing towards her but sunset was not listening to her, it was ring a ringing noise in her ears something about...Bacon hair? “Why are they here?, Why am I standing here?, am I dreaming?” Sunset looked around frantically and rammed her head into her locker. Holding her head she realized this indeed is not a dream! Sonata and the others did see the show.
“Is this a bad time?” Celestia speaks worriedly. Rubbing the red mark of locker hinge on her forehead Sunset spoke up.
“Ummm no this isn't...I just...don’t...huh?” She lost for words. Aria rolls her eyes, and Adagio smirks. Sonata staring blankly into space.
“Yes well maybe we should talk in my office?” Celestia turns and walks with the Dazzlings following behind. Sunset still holding her head.
“I can't get a break can I?”
~Principals Office~
“So you see Sunset this ideal is foolproof.” Celestia says smirking greatly. Sunset’s eyes scan the room, “Huh what?” She scratches the back of her head before speaking.
“Sorry Principle Celestia you didn't say anything you just sat down and said “So you see Sunset this deal is foolproof.” I don’t get it.” Celestia goes wide eyed.
“Really?” She turn to the Dazzlings, they nod confirming Sunset. “Oh, well what I was going to say was, the student body wasn't very...nice to you after the events of the fall formal. It took you and your friends to defeat these girls for the school to notice the good in you. So I was wondering if you know so much about reforming and using friendship to accomplish anything.” “Oh no!” “If you can…” “Oh please no!” “Get Twilight and get her to reform these girls?” “What?”
“Yes can you call Twilight and get her to reform these girls to live normal lives?” Celestia smiles at Sunset. Sunset on the other hand was not sure why she wants Twilight. "I know you still a temper Sunset you fall into traps like these all the time!" Celestia thought.
“Wait, aren't you going to ask me!” Celestia cocks her brow. "Yeah that's pretty much the idea, all you have do is prove you are the new and improved Sunset shimmer and you. are. mine!
“Sunset...I don’t think you could handle such a mission, I think it’s fit for a princess of friendship.” Celestia leans back on her chair. “Oh so she thinks I can’t handle it huh?” Sunset slams her hands on the desk and glares.
“I can take these girls under my wing easy.” Sunset says pointing to the girls, Adagio frowns disgusted her finger pointed towards her.
“Really now? Are you sure, you aren't getting service learning you know.” Celestia says smiling. Was slamming hands needed?
“I don’t care about that stuff.”
“Which is why you are still here.” Celestia thought.
“I will show that the new and improved Sunset can handle anything with the power of friendship!” Right now you can imagine a great ball of sunshine in the back of Sunset right now cause that’s what I’m thinking. With a whisper of lame from Aria in the background and the other two chuckling.
“Great!” "Gotcha!" Celestia pushes all four of them out the door, “Have fun learning!” "Works every time...oh you and Luna are so much alike! Slam! Aaannnd good bye!
~Hallway~
“Annnnd she slams the door!”
Sunset turns to face the evil trio’s leader, really look down at her. “Wait was she always this short?” She seems to be a little stunned at this revelation, Adagio is indeed a little bit shorter than all four of them. Adagio snaps her fingers in front of Sunset.
“Heeelllo? We don’t have time for daydreaming...wait why are you looking like that?” Adagio notices Sunset trying to keep in her laughter, but utterly failed.
“HAHHAHAHAHA….you’re so short!” Adagio face turns extremely red, without her high heels her height is revealed.
“I-I’m not that short!” She looks at Sunset and notice she is shorter than her.
“Oh please Adagio I had to reach for cereal out of the cabinet for you this morning.” Aria checks her nails and smile. Sonata covering her mouth smiling.
“SHUT! UP! ARIA!” Adagio hisses through her teeth, Sunset is holding her ribs.
“Oh sweet celestia I’m dying somebody write my will!” She kneels on the ground.
"You will be if you don't stop laughing", Adagio mumbles. “I knew I should have worn my good shoes”
"Shoes those things made you taller than me and Sonata, what did you hate us look down on you?" Aria smirks.
“OK...I think I’m done”, Sunset looks at Adagio again. “OK I lied...HAHAHAAH!” Adagio face palms.
"Look we have to get to class." The trio takes out their schedules and takes a look. Sunset takes a peek as well.
"Hey these are just like...MINE!?!" Sunset looks at the paper at surprise.
"That's awesome we have to follow ketchup and mustard all over the school." Aria folds her arms.
"I think more like bacon." Sonata smiles.
"Ug...Bacon..it's the worst...like tacos." Aria smiles but quickly changed when a sudden force grabs her and slams her against a locker.
"You don't say that about tacos, if you do I will take your hair and bleach every last strain, then I will take said hair and dye it different shades of brown, then I will perm the hair so it will be like Adagio's, I will laugh at your defeat, I will watch you scream as you look in the mirror, so go ahead Aria. say. it. again." Everyone looked at Sonata wide eyed. Only one word was spoken from Sunset.
"Wow." Then Adagio-
"What's wrong with my hair?"
"Its looks like a orange and yellow cotton ball." Aria says shoving Sonata away.
"MONSTER HIGH REJECT!" Adagio yells.
"Now listen here short stuff..."
"Tacos, Tacos, I want a Taco!" Sonata skips around smiling repeating the words over and over again. While the other two yell insults at each other.
"I'm going to die!" Sunset face palms.This is going to be a very vexatious day.
Okay not a bad concept but seriously you need to work on your grammar. It's not so much misspelled words as it is sentence structure. Some of your sentences make no sense or are unnecessary. You need to re-word your story as well.
5449692 Well, I have to agree with you. Just by reading the description made me think so. I still haven't read it, though.
I have to agree that the grammar and sentence structure could use some work. Have you thought about getting an editor?
That never fails to make me laugh.
That last part just left me confused. You might wanna separate the different lines of dialogue into different paragraphs. It usually reads easier that way.
Overall, it's a decent concept, but the errors and mistakes in the grammar and sentence structure hold it back. It makes the story feel rather disjointed, but getting a good editor to help you out should fix that. Good luck!
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Don't worry everyone I have a great friend to help me out here so don't freak out he is a pretty good writer himself.
Proof! https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Shaud
5449794 Alright, good luck. You can do it!
5449794 Your "good writer" friend has THIS in a story description:
And frankly shouldn't be editing for anyone. Get a real editor.
Besides the grammar/sentence structure, I really like this story. It has some good lines, and I like the idea of Celestia tricking Sunset into working with the girls... Good work so far.
5450177 Holy crap talk about shitting on fellow bronies are you always this aggressive? I mean I asked him he said yes. YOU need to take a chill pill and notice how much of dick you sound. I don't get it why get mad on a non professional writing website. If I wrote a book and it was horrible sue me, but a fan fiction website? Ok be mad at me not Shaud he did nothing but write and respect peoples stories. Something you should be doing yourself mister 57 stories, I think when you popped up on the featured you became cocky as fuck. BRA...calm the fuck down.
Uhm... I really don't want to say that your editor is bad, but... you could use a real editor?
I mean, while we can understand what's actually going on, we need punctuation to read it well.
5450606 I get it we can be dicks sometimes. look when you post on a site like this people are going to comment and some of them might not be so nice. Most people who comment about grammar issues are just trying to point it out that's all.
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Guys it's under edit as we speak, he never edit the story yet. As you can see he didn't even know what happened in the chapter.
Overall, a very good story.
Family guy joke. Classic.
Adagio hair joke. Classic.
Sonata intensity over tacos. Classic.
I'll. see where this goes.
They're wearing JUST gym t-shirts and shoes?
AHAHAH slams her face into a locker - what happened to a pinch?
whoo, Principal Celestia is just as much a troll as the Princess.
LOL at short Adagio, that's a great point - she must be a lot shorter if her heels are that big
this has some grammar type errors sprinkled about, but nothing that really impede reading/enjoyment.