Within the vast whole of creation, or the multiverse as some called it, there were several slivers of existence where magic ruled. In one of these slivers existed a world called Equus. Its inhabitants, aside from a few exceptions, were largely content with peaceful life and the goal of following the creed of harmony under the rule of the two sisters. Unknown to them, however, there existed a terrifying form of life housed within a patch of Darkspace opposite of their side of their galaxy.
Within the heart of Darkspace floated a monstrous, metallic form stretching to an astonishing two kilometers. It seemed an abhorrent mix of machine and organic life that took the form of a giant insect and crawled from the deepest depths of the worst nightmare conceived by sentient life. Orbiting around it were lesser forms: three that were half its size and six more that measured around two hundred meters. If the vacuum of Darkspace were capable of carrying sound, or better yet had a communicator able to decipher the proper signals, one would hear a booming, terrifying voice that once heralded the doom of whole galaxies. A voice that currently monologued while accompanied by stately music.
“Space. The last frontier. These are the logs of Jeff, the last surviving Reaper. My mission? To explore and discover strange, new life. To boldly fight the simple truth that space…IS FIRGGIN BORING AS CRAP!!!”
Actually, scratch that. Space was far more boring in comparison. At least with crap, you could occupy your free time counting and categorizing the individual molecules whilst conversing with the flies. Assuming, of course, one remembered to maintain a small amount of atmosphere to support those flies.
Now now Jeff, don’t forget your manners, I admonished myself silently, you should always start at the beginning so as not to lose your audience; even if the only one listening is yourself.
Myself concurred. Now…er…where was the beginning?
THE BATTLE STUPID!!
Ah! Yes, yes of course. The Battle. Ahem.
The latest cycle started in a rather unexpected way. Instead of flooding through the relay to slaughter the spacefarers in one fell swoop, the Vanguard had been found out and slain. Not that the rest of the fleet was surprised. Many predicted that Vanguard, either due to so much time in exile or that last hit to the processors by a mass driver, was due for a screw up.
Harbinger hadn’t been worried, of course. Being the first and most intelligent of the supreme Reaper Command, it had a failsafe in place for such a possibility. And then the failsafe failed. For the first time in Reaper history, the fleet had to make a painstaking journey from Darkspace via the scenic route. Harbs would likely have had a hard time living that fiasco down if any of us had bothered installing a sense of humor.
Upon arrival, after a few more failsafe failures *robo cough*, the harvest continued with its standard protocol: blowing crap up, laser blasting orphans, having husks kick some puppies, the whole Armageddon shtick. As the harvest continued, however, something happened that, metaphorically speaking, stunned the entire fleet. A Reaper was killed in battle.
And then there was another. And another. Whether through a procession of sheer flukes or some newly discovered knowledge, the organics had come together and began resisting in a manner unheard of in past cycles. It was estimated that they were still destined to the harvest, but the sudden change in pattern sent a feeling of unease along the fleet. Well, as much unease as soulless, genocidal machines could feel. Harbinger definitely showed signs of strain as its pushes toward the end of the cycle became more frenzied.
It was in the battle of Earth that the cyber shit really hit the fan.
At the climax of the battle, a massive energy surge shot from the Citadel and followed the path set by the Mass Relays. Inquisitor, essentially the head researcher among the Reaper Capitals, sensed the surge and threw up a number of experimental defenses it had been working on since news of the first Reaper death. Whether it was caused by a reaction between the surge and the new defenses or some unknown variable, Inquisitor found itself tearing through dimensional boundaries and flung into its current universe. It was ill prepared for the new ambient energy, now known as magic, and found itself shorted out temporarily until its systems managed to identify and adapt for this new energy. Between Inquisitor’s recovery and time to rediscover the dimensional boundaries, it took about four hundred years to find its way back. What it found shook it to its very core.
The Reapers were gone.
Not just gone, of course. Inquisitor fully expected to find the battle finished and have to make a long sojourn back to Darkspace. What it didn’t expect was to find the spacefarers from the cycle still around. Based on what little intel Inquisitor could gather, the organics found a way to render the Reaper Harvest solution void. The organic leader came and… Honestly, for some reason, the exact how of the matter was still fuzzy. Maybe a lot of crap blew up? Something about reprogramming maybe? There were even some hints at something hokey involving cyber genetics.
Eh, screw it. Doesn’t really matter. The point is Reapers, as they were known, were deep-sixed and Inquisitor was put out of a job. And if there is anything a machine can truly fear than deactivation, it is losing its job: its purpose.
The only means of joining the new solution, the Citadel and the Mass Relays, were shot to heck which meant it was stuck as the last member of an obsolete model. Seeing no point in remaining, Inquisitor slunk back to its last place of exile to ponder a new solution for itself. It couldn’t terminate itself because of self-preservation programing so that idea was out. So what else was there for an outdated tool?
After a few decades of thought, Inquisitor finally came up with an idea. Since the organics were obviously on to something the Reapers couldn’t catch, perhaps a little observation and change in methods were in order? When in Rome and all that.
Of course, it couldn’t go back to its old universe and ask someone there. Whatever had happened, it was unlikely an old-school Reaper would find a warm reception. Instead, Inquisitor would carry out its observations in this universe where there were no Reapers and where the organics were still in early development. Watching them evolve for a few hundred millennia should make for thorough study.
Step one: pepper this universe with probes to find life sustaining worlds and watch for change. Step two: restructure programing and thought processes. That last one would be a bit tricky.
The experiment would be pointless if observed by a Reaper that only knew ‘kill everything, toss it in a blender, and hit frappe’ setting. A few finer nuances in the study would likely have been lost on such a mindset. The problem lay in the fact that a machine couldn’t just change its mind overnight like the meatbags. It needed to be directly overridden. Self-reprogramming wouldn’t work as the inherent risks would kick in the self-preservation protocols and shut down the operation. The introduction of a new OS was called for.
To this purpose, it sent additional probes into other universes, excluding the one it came from, to seek out an appropriate mind. Not just any sentient would do though. It had to be human. As clouded as its memories were, Inquisitor did remember that is was a human that found the new solution.
The concept was simple. First, it would pick a random human and pull it into this universe. That was simple enough, despite the yelling and squeaking from it when it was finally delivered. Then, using a combination of this universe’s magic and program code found in the home-verse, Inquisitor would strip the mind from the organic and install it in the new core processor, with a few augments to adjust for size difference in hardware. The transference must have been fairly painful if its screams were anything to go by. But hey, it was getting immortality and power in the deal so there probably would not be too many hard feelings. Organics were all about the immortality and power, right? Finally, the process would be complete when Inquisitor initiated a sleep mode and rebooted with the new core designated as the priority system. The results upon reactivation were…interesting.
Once the systems were restored, Inquisitor was replaced and I, The Dreadnought Reaper Jeff, awoke to see the universe in new light. And proceeded to scream like a little girl. Or, you know, as much as a giant death machine could sound like one at any rate.
It took a few centuries of freaking out, funny how time flies during an immortal’s nervous breakdown, before I finally thought to check through the systems logs. What I found did not make me happy. While I was free to do whatever I wanted with my new powers and resourced for the most part, Inq’s ‘mission’ would take priority on my actions. That meant I would have to wait in Darkspace for new life to evolve. All by myself.
Fast-forward thirty thousand years, give or take a few centuries, to today.
Within the central chamber of…well…me…a mass of husks with the occasional brute were shuffling along in an odd dance number. Watching the proceedings was a small, holosphere that currently acted as an avatar for me to directly interact with the group of lumbering gits.
“Annnnd welcome! To another exciting season of Jeffian Idol! I’m your host and overlord, Jeff, here to proudly announce our latest project: auditions to see which meatbags are chosen for the remake of Thriller! MS, what are your thoughts?” I asked while bouncing in excitement as I looked over at the marauder host to my left.
A noncommittal grunt came in reply.
“Wow, MS that’s…that’s kind of harsh actually. I mean, I know your feelings on sequels but, wow.” I turned to the banshee standing to my right, “Got any counterarguments for us, June?”
A blood curdling screech resounded through the hallways of me.
“Ah, yes. Excellent point and just the sort of optimism I have come to expect from you, June,” I said graciously before turning to share the verdict with my rapt audience. “In the fine words of my associate judge, every sequel has potential to unlock previously overlooked expression and bring it to a new level of art form. Who knows? Perhaps three hundred and seventy seven will be Thriller’s lucky number. Okay, boys. From the top. And a one and a two…”
*Ping*
“The fock was that?”
All sounds stopped as processing power was redirected to listening for the new noise. It sounded off again. “That’s different,” my voice intoned flatly as I fought against the rising hope in my enormous nonexistent heart, “different is good.”
I sent a spike through the data banks to identify the new noise. I know it meant something but…I just couldn’t place what it was. An answer came to me in the form of a report in point zero zero three seconds.
Probe three forty two reporting from stationed sector. New sentient life identified. Herbivorous. Hoofed quadruped. Multiple phenotypes detected. Speech recognized, translated, and stored. Recognized as compatible with energy theta.
“Huh. Talking, magical ponies. Doesn’t that just beat all?”
Awaiting command. Initiate contact? y/n
“Hmmm. Let’s see,” I turned the possibility over in my processors, “how about FUCK THE HELL YEAH!”
I turned my holosphere toward the marauder judge, “MS! Take one of the troop transports and head there to establish a communication link yesterday! Oh, oh!” I stopped as a thought came to me, “and see about downloading some tunes to play for them first. You know, to soften the blow of seeing a giant behemoth landing on their front porch. And none of that Close Encounters of the Third Kind crap. No, we need style. We need the good stuff. We need to get them Hooked on a Feeling!!” I cackled a few minutes in appreciation of my little joke before turning back to MS, “but seriously, dude. Get down there ASAP. I need to meet someone that DOESN’T NEED REMINDING ON HOW TO BREATHE!”
The marauder saluted before turning to dash for one of my landing ports.
With that dealt with, I turned to address the rest of my adoring, if slightly drooly, subjects. “Alright everyone, listen up! I have bad news and great news. Bad news is, we have just dropped Thriller remake three seventy seven,” a collective, monotone moan came from the masses, “I know, I know. Everyone was looking forward to it, but that is where the great news comes in. WE ARE MEETING REAL PEOPLE!” another groan answered in the exact same tone.
Naturally, with our longstanding relationship, I had the context needed to recognize the different inflections in the analogous sounding moans. “Yes, yes we are all excited by the prospect. That is why I have to drop the Thriller project. We need the best of the best to greet these new friends. Only my masterpiece will do. Prepare yourselves for…SPONGEBOB THE SPACE OPERA!!”
After being stuck in the body of a killer robot the size of a small asteroid for longer than I could remember, I honestly couldn’t predict how my new organic buddies were going to react. All I knew was that things would be different. And different. Is. Good.
Oh...
THIS is going to be good!
Indeed.
There is going to be terror.
The ground will tremble.
For the Dread Reaper Jeff comes and with him comes...the....
VAUDEVILLE!!! BWAHAHA
Also, thanks for the fav.
Anything in particular you're looking forward to?
Spongebob the Space Opera? He's pure evil!
... What the HELL were you smoking when you made this?!
5398779
And that's the scary part...nothing!
This LITERALLY popped in randomly while I was working on something else.
Tis a gift and a curse. I think Pinkie said it best.
5398753
Weeell. What can you do after thirty thousand years with mindless space zombies keeping you company?
5398805
But...SPONGEBOB. Not even thirty thousand years can account for such horror!
5398779 my thoughts as well... But I like it!
5398809
Every insane space leader needs a staple. Palpatine had the Death Star, the Shadows on Babylon 5 had Death clouds, Jeff has...the Death Play!!
But only to be used on the exceptionally evil.
...or if he's reeeeeally bored one night.
5398868
Truly his is a sick mind unlike any other.
5398872
...Yes. Yes it is.
This is going to be good.
Can't wait to see when in the MLP timeline Jeff will first appear.
Unlike the other Reaper-In-Equestria stories I've seen - at least the non-pure-comedy ones - , this has serious potential. Keep it up.
5399064
Thank you good sir. I will certainly do my best!
Then in comes the blud rehvens whom STEHEL REHEN unto equestria and are "gifted" with a new reaper to use to hoard their massive collection of "gifted" aretifacts.
Spongebob theme: Jeff sees villain, "I see you. ZAP!"
Hmm? A reaper that doesn't want to harvest life and has a social attention depraved human consciousness in charge. I want to meet him.
5399087 Bloody magpies....
For some reason, I can't help but imagine Jeff 'Joker' Moreau narrating this.
I....I don't think I've ever wanted to read something so bad in a long time. When's the next update?
5400919
You know when I first started writing Jeff's holosphere speech, I was kind of torn between writing him as a combination of Jeff from the BBC show Coupling and Wheatley from Portal 2. After seeing this comment though...I'm kind of getting Joker's voice stuck in my head too. Maybe a combination of all of them?
5401398
Have to say, I'm feeling kind of blown away that I'm getting such a reaction from something I just did one night on a whim.
Glad to hear it and flattered of course, but still blown away. As for when? Eh, combined work and holiday rush maybe a week or so. I'll try to keep it fairly regular if I'm getting this kind of goo reaction to it.
5402066
5399064 I agree this is awesome.
5402051
The description and the first few paragraphs kinda put in my head the idea that Joker got jacked by a reaper, forced to take the crummy 2nd ending of ME (the control the reapers one), and got made into the EDI of the Inquisitor. And considering this is a comedy and the irony of the situation of it, Joker would be a fitting main character, according to my headcanon anyways. Besides, it would be kinda cool if Joker got the main role for a change.
Joker: Shepard gets all the fans, all the guns, all the moves, and all the credit. Gets all the heart throbs too. And what do i get? I get one action scene where I hobble around trying not to get my crippled ass harvested and I get shipped with the animatronic doll, literally. But Shepard wouldn't have been able to get there in the first place if it wasn't for me playing chauffeur and hauling his/her ass across the damn galaxy. Why don't I get some time in the limelight for once?
5403060
Well, I did specify that Inquisitor took pains to ignore his old universe and not too sure if Joker would've appreciated limelight at the cost of being a lone Reaper for thousands of years.
But yeah, taking another look, I can totally see Joker's personality in those early paragraphs.
Who knows? Maybe I'll find a way to work it in later. Nothing's set in stone yet.
5403126
Well, when I saw the that the main character was named Jeff in a ME fic my first thought was 'Hey Joker is in this' and the rest of my train of thought just sort of came off of that premise. Plus the comedy tag is pretty much up his alley.
Maybe, you subconsciously made this in the spirit of Joker? Just my two bits.
Marauder Shields. nice!
Even I can see the potencial, take a fav and a like.
Also, please be Joker.
5403271
At this point, I really wouldn't be that surprised.
5404049
I was wondering when someone would point that out.
Also, thanks for the fave and watch. I hope the story continues to entertain.
discord =love
twilight = freak out
spike= faint
princess Cel- L = fly swallowing and hair loss
average pony = SCREAM AND FREAK OUT
Pinkie = Happy new monstrous dancing friend party
fluttershy = cardiac arrest !! MEDIC... there goes the medic GET THE ANTI CU&(&* (pony cute level lethal event )
oh wow why did I not read this sooner.
Brilliant stuff.
What's today's news June
"SCEETCH"
Thank you June
This has a great premise and could be very interesting. Sadly, so far it seems like the main character is an utterly bland guy capable only of spouting references and bad jokes. But hey, random nonsense in ALL CAPS is funny, amirite guys!?
Joking aside, please leave out the obnoxious all caps. You should never have all caps, because they are completely jarring and useless. The exclamation point exists for a reason. Along with that, there is way too much telling instead of showing. We're pretty much never shown what the main character (Jeff? I think that was it) is feeling. Also, there could stand to be quite a bit more description used in the story, as nothing is ever really mentioned about the surroundings or what the characters are doing/feeling, or anything else really.
I don't know, I guess my biggest issue is why the main character is so, well, normal? I mean, I know he's spend thousands of years wandering about, but if that's the case then why does he sound like some guy from the 21st century who knows a few references and sounds a bit bored. This guy is from the Mass Effect verse (or isn't he? Honestly the middle part of the exposition was a bit hard to follow with how chopped up it was), he's in the body of pretty much the strongest thing in the galaxy, and has countless pieces of data stored inside himself (can you imagine all the data that would be in something like a Reaper, what with all the cycles it has gone through?), so why is he so average?
Finally and a bit off subject, but how did he know the ponies were magical? Absolutely nothing in that statement said anything about magic or special abilities. Not only that, but how did he even know they were ponies? You do realize (I'd say he should realize, but I'll just go ahead and assume the character is a self-insert, since that's pretty much what all the other stories inevitably do) that there are other hoofed herbivores which aren't ponies, right? And that's just on Earth. That's not counting the other countless planets from the ME verse he should know about. Honestly, that entire part felt like a cheap meta joke, such as the stories where the main character goes, "Hah, magical ponies? That's sooo ridiculous and sounds like a cartoon for little girls. AMIRITE GAIS!!!?!!?" Because, you know, obviously the character would immediately poke fun at adult guys liking MLP (despite the character himself not even knowing about the show).
Well, all in all I'm still interested and will keep on reading, and hopefully things get better when he arrives.
5555092
"What's the Weather like Ollie?"
"SPACE WEATHER!"
"Thanks, Ollie."
5773954 Wholeheartedly agree with your description of Jeff. Aside from his physical state, he lacks anything that really makes him stand out. The 'lolsorandum' archetype has been done to death, and was never a particularly interesting one. A guy stuck in space, alone, for thirty thousand years wouldn't hold "Jeffian Idol", he'd probably be half insane from the solitude and desperately searching for any way out of his situation.
Will continue reading, since it's an interesting premise.
I really love the idea that if you had shepard pick the control ending it was just them and all the husk that the reapers have harvested. But they all have there own personality. So i like to imagine Jeff the reaper having built some type of bar like Chora's Den, Afterlife or Purgatory. But you would have Ardat Yakshi dancing up on the tables and brutes doing the shepard dance. Pretty much regular people replaced with Reaper monstrosities .Wish the story had something like that going on. Also would love to see there reactions waking up in the form of a Husk or a brute. Also the conversations with jeff and them would be funny. Anyway first chapter is interesting and i'm liking it all ready.
okay, I'm sorry, you give my fic several BESTs, and yet you've been sitting on this gem!?
fucking Jeff the Dreadnought Reaper!
you sir have made me quite a happy sorceror, keep it up!
Am I correct in assuming the integration process left dear Jeff, shall we say...rather unstable?
9120866
Well, it took Tom Hanks a few months to a few years on an island to start going googily and chatting with inanimate objects. Jeff has had a few thousand years in deep space. Hmmmm. Yep. I would say so.
5403126
simple he ignored his universe but not a very close cousin of it hell that would even account for not remembering what ending was used as Inq saw all three in other words alternate universe Joker
What am I reading... this is... BEAUTIFUL!
Hope he disabled the indoctrination function of his body. Don't want to turn his friends into brain-deads afterward...
Well, I hope this will be good, at least it not easy to fuck up being 2km space monster.
And with that, you get a thumbs up from me.