Equestria
Trotten
POV: Wind Walker
"Ugh, I hate school days," I muttered as I finally managed to drag myself from bed. I ruffled my wings and gave my pure white coat a quick once-over before heading downstairs. I spotted my sister, Mind Walker, making us some breakfast. "Hey, Mindy," I greeted as I walked into the kitchen area.
"Morning, Wind," she replied. "Breakfast is almost ready, go ahead and take a seat." She wasn't lying. Almost as soon as I sat down, she had brought over two plates with some toast and fruit. Her light purple coat seemed a bit ruffled, and her pink mane didn't seem much better.
"You okay, sis?" I asked, worried for her.
"I'm fine," she said, with a fake smile. She dropped the act quickly, though. "Just not looking forward to another day of teasing and beatings from everyone at school." Trotten was a city where there was an actual high school, at which we were sophomores at. But the bullying we received there was relentless. This was because of our "talents," if you were to call them that. I'm a pegasus, and Mindy's an earth pony, and yet somehow, we both have limited forms of magic. I could manipulate wind and air currents far better than an average pegasus, and Mindy had Psychokinesis. It may have something to do with the fact that both of our parents were unicorns, but regardless, we were seen as freaks.
"I know, Mindy," I sighed as I continued eating. "Look, two more years, and we can leave this place. Maybe move in with Doug over in Manehattan," referring to a cousin of ours.
"I know," she replied, "but it doesn't mean I have to like it."
I glanced at the clock. "Looks like it's time to head out." I grabbed my schoolbag and headed towards the door, Mindy right behind me. The walk to school was uneventful, but upon arriving in class, I noticed everypony was whispering about something. I sat next to my best friend, Bright Shine. "Bright, what's going on?" I asked the golden unicorn mare.
"There's apparently supposed to be a new student today," she replied. Before I could question her more, the teacher, an older unicorn mare, walked into the room.
"Class, I would like you to meet our newest addition to our school: Jetstream Swiftwing. She hails from a noble family from Griffenheim, and has chosen to attend here." As she spoke, Jetstream walked in. She was definitely a griffin, alright. Her front half seemed similar to an eagle's, but with silver feathers and gray face plumage. Her back half was an ocelot's, spots and all. She carried herself like a noble, but it seemed more ingrained than a conscious choice. Who knows, maybe she won't be that bad.
"Hey, everyone," she said. "Glad to be here. I wanted to come here for a break from the whole 'high-and-mighty noble' gig, so I came here for some normalcy. Don't mind me, just treat me like a normal student." Huh, so she was a 'noble gone normal' type, huh? Okay.
"If you would just take a seat, Jetstream," the teacher said, "We'll begin today's lesson." The rest of the morning passed pretty quickly. Then came the period I dreaded most: lunch. The period where everyone was free to pick on us. I sat at my usual table with Bright and Mindy.
"So, opinions on the new girl?" Bright asked. She was a sweet pony, very kind and happy. But she was picked on alongside us for one reason. Her talent was Light-based spells, but for some reason, it gave her a crippling fear of the dark. As in, paralyzing. She had to sleep with the lights on in her room, it was so bad. And of course, irrational fears are great ammo for bullies. But back to the topic at hand.
"She's certainly interesting," Mindy replied as she munched on a sandwich.
"She seems nice," I said, "but definitely a mystery."
Our conversation was interrupted by the griffin in question walking by. "Hey," she asked, "is there a seat open?"
"Uh... Sure..." Mindy replied cautiously. "Though sitting with us won't do you any favors in the popularity department."
"And why's that?" She seemed honestly curious.
"Because the whole school sees us as freaks," I interjected."The pegasus who can control the wind. The earth pony with Psychokinesis. And the light spell talented unicorn who's afraid of the dark. So if you're going to bully us, I suggest you leave now."
"Wait, you guys get bullied for that?" She asked incredulously. "That's just what you were born with. You can't control that. And besides, I hate bullies. I wouldn't dream of doing something like that."
I didn't buy it. Who does she think she is-
"Hey, freaks!" And it would seem we have a bigger problem. Dark Crown and his crony Blitz Fire were walking this way. These two were our biggest harrassers. "Who are you talking to?" When he noticed that it was Jetstream, he turned and asked her, "Why are you hanging out with the freaks?"
Blitz Fire chimed in with the very intelligent remark of, "Yeah, freaks!"
"Why don't you come hang out with the cool ponies, like us?" Dark Crown continued. I noticed Jetstream was clenching her talons. She then did something none of us expected. She punched him in the face.
"You two are complete jerks!" She yelled. "Where do you get off judging people based on things they can't control? If there are two things I can't tolerate, it's complete plot-holes like you two, and bullying. Now get out of my sight, or the next hit will be where the sun don't shine!" Her words got those two running. They bolted like scared foals. She turned back to us. "Sorry you guys had to see that. But at least those two won't bother you again."
With my original assessment of her completely reevaluated, I decided to apologize. "Sorry about what I said. I'm just used to jerks like that."
"No prob," she replied. "I'd probably be defensive too if that was my life. I'm Jetstream, but you already knew that."
"I'm Wind Walker," I said, "but you can call me Wind."
Mindy went next. "I'm Mind Walker, but I go by Mindy."
"And I'm Bright Shine, but call me Bright," Bright finished.
"Glad to meet you, guys. And don't worry about any more bullying. I've learned that once they get put in their place, they usually stay there." It seemed like a great day. But I knew it couldn't last. And by Celestia, was I right...
Equus
Trotten
POV: Rouge Streak
"Hey, Stella, come look at this!" I called to my unicorn partner. She rushed over.
"What is it, Rouge?" She asked, curious as to what I had found.
"You remember those sonar spells we installed in the surrounding area?" I asked, my webbed wings fluttering in nervousness.
"Of course I do," she replied, "I set them up!"
"Well, something's triggering them in nearly every spot. Or rather, many somethings."
"Really?" She seemed intrigued. I moved out of the way to let her check the screen we had set up. "Wow, you're right. Should we investigate?" Her her light blue coat bristled in anticipation.
"Yeah," I replied, running a hoof through my grey mane, "but where in Tarturus do we start?"
"Hm, well there's a cluster in the southeast, near the edge of the forest. Let's check that out first."
I nodded. "Right, let's move!" We dashed out of the station, ready to find out just what had happened.
Haven't read it yet but it sounds good.
I am however a bit disappointed that another lucario showed up. This is like the 7th I think.
Well, Lucario are popular. Plus, Tyler has Aura powers. What partner do you think would fit that besides a Lucario?
5355834 Funny story there. That's actually an indirect reference. See, awhile back, the people on Lumiose Station did a randomized versus taglocke on Ruby and Sapphire to celebrate ORAS's announcement. PKSparxx, who was on Team Alpha, caught a Charizard and named him Iroh. He later ended up winning the game for Team Alpha. Due to this, and me being a huge fan of PK, I named the Charizard Iroh in his honor. But yeah, that's most likely where PK got the name.
NOTE: Sorry this is so long. If nothing else, at least read the last paragraph.
Well, here's my impression of this so far:
Overall, it's... okay. I've seen a lot better, and I've DEFINITELY seen a lot worse (such as anything I attempt to write).
Really, there are 2 big problems and 1 lesser problem.
1.) There's just too many OC's introduced in too short a time, without enough real information to be able to give each one a recognizable personality. Honestly, this was more of a problem in the Earth half, primarily because so much was happening at once due to it being primarily an action scene, and especially since you started in medias res. Doing so with characters that everyone already knows (i.e. the Mane Six, Ash & Co., etc.) tends to work fine, but trying to pull it off with new characters is nearly impossible. I don't really see a way of fixing it at this point, but just keep it in mind for any future stories. Less characters at once, or more personality building.
2.) Pacing. It's the bane of a writer's existence. I'm sure you've seen it; stories that either go too fast from one scene to the next, and, less commonly, stories where, in an attempt to prevent the pace from being too fast, the author throws in so much pointless crap that the reader has to slog through it all to find the actual story. This story suffers from the first instance. Again, it's more of a problem in the Earth half. The pacing of the action scene itself was fine, but afterwards you practically had a time lapse straight to the next problem. That would have actually been a perfect place to address problem 1. You had a little bit of character building for... Tyler? Or was it Michael? No, I think it was Tyler. You had a little bit of development with him, but not for any of the other characters, and not long enough to effectively take a break between action scenes. Perhaps a scene where they discuss how they feel betrayed by... what's-his-face. Rubin? Ruirik? I know it started with an R...
Again, not much you can do but to keep my advice in mind for the future. Breaks between action scenes are a necessity, and a great opportunity to go into some character development.
3.) Finally, the dialogue just seemed... awkward at some points. Problem is, I can't really point out WHY they seemed awkward, they just... did. I think it might have been the pacing, but I'm not entirely sure. Dialogue is the primary reason why I don't write. I can't write dialogue to save my life. I can (in my opinion) paint a beautiful picture of the scene in the reader's mind, I can write an action scene well enough, but as soon as one of the characters opens there mouth, my story falls apart at the seams. So sadly, I can't really give you any advice on this subject, other than to get a pre-reader or two that knows a bit more about writing than I do.
Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I DO like this story, and I feel it has a lot of promise. If I didn't, I wouldn't have taken the time to write all this. Also, don't feel like you have to listen to everything, or anything, that I've said. Like I've said, I'm not a writer, so for all I know everything I've talked about could be a load of crap. The most important thing to remember when writing is that this is YOUR story; you're simply sharing it with us. So long as YOU enjoy what you're writing, the opinions of others should be of little to no consequence to you. Sure, views and positive reactions are great and all, but if you're writing to make OTHERS happy, but NOT yourself, you're writing for the wrong reasons.
5355649
I know I have nothing to do with this conversation, but maybe having a Riolu instead of a Lucario would work.
First, it would be unique and different. Then, aura would still be possible. Finally, it could be a great way to mix things up in a boring part by evolving him.
Now, I can't provide concrete examples. I haven't read your fic yet. However, it is too late. This was just an answer to your question :3
5356004 Hey, thanks, man. I always enjoy comments like these. Okay, you have a few points, so I'll adress them in order.
1. Yeah, I know, there are a lot of characters. Don't worry, these chapters were more exposition dumps, unfortunately. They will be getting backgrounds, trust me.
2. This is one of the problems with 1st person. You can't develop someone unless they are the character you're writing about or in said character's immediate vicinity. They all will get their shot to shine, though.
3. Don't know what to say about that, honestly. I will do my best to improve the dialogue, though.
Again, thank you for the comment! These help me become a better writer.
5356057 Unfortunately a major event between Tyler and Ruby is when Ruby evolved during a battle. It's already in the back story I have, so it'd be high impossible task play that angle. Thanks for the suggestion though. PS, love your story!
This is a good story but one thing I recommend is to keep with one pov. This is just me but with multiple POVs I just get lost and confused and just skip stuff.
5356199 That's why I've got the little location stamp things whenever I switch perspectives. Don't worry, though. I'll try to keep extremely important events in only one or two POVs.
5356275 I know that but I'm not used to stories that have that, which to me no stories should do that unless it's for a new chapter, so I don't look for that.
Okay, I'm curious. Update as soon as you can!
WHY ARE ANY OF THESE LUCARIO/RIOLU CROSSOVER FICS NEVER FINISHED!?
6142251 I know, I suck... I plan on putting work in soon... I just am terrible at sitting down and writing...
6142442 its not just you, no offense, but it's pretty much every fic that involves lucario or riolu. They all end up not being finished and makes me sad.