You're Cpl. Jacob Sweeney, who is the U.S Army sent to Scout out the mountains of Afghanistan. When ambushed by a group of insurgents trying to take over the mountains Jacob is sent off a cliff into Equestria followed by the horror on that mountain.
I like this story, no doubt, but the two things you must focus on is to organize your paragraphs and improve your grammar. Greatly. Nowhere near the worst grammar I have seen. In fact, it's above decent.
Yeah I had to stop here, the whole thing is a bit sloppy in the writing. Mainly you rush through everything and you keep changing from 1st perspective to 3rd and back. You should just stick with one like 3rd person as you want to show other characters since 1st person is usually only used in stories where it's only done from the perspective of the main character.
Also I don't think you know how Marines are, you might want to change him to someone like regular army or a Ranger or something. Here's how a Navy man told me (and others backed him up) how Marines are. You go up to one and say "What's up Devil Dog Ohrah!" and a Marine will respond with "KILL!"
That's a Marine, great to have in a fight but personality wise usually only other Jarheads can stand them sometimes. Hell just saying hello can result in an asskicking and that's them liking someone. One other thing remember that only one person talks in a paragraph the first one in this chapter you kind of messed up on that part.
I like this story, no doubt, but the two things you must focus on is to organize your paragraphs and improve your grammar. Greatly. Nowhere near the worst grammar I have seen. In fact, it's above decent.
I'll stick around and hope to see you improve!
Alright so far so good
Yeah I had to stop here, the whole thing is a bit sloppy in the writing. Mainly you rush through everything and you keep changing from 1st perspective to 3rd and back. You should just stick with one like 3rd person as you want to show other characters since 1st person is usually only used in stories where it's only done from the perspective of the main character.
Also I don't think you know how Marines are, you might want to change him to someone like regular army or a Ranger or something. Here's how a Navy man told me (and others backed him up) how Marines are. You go up to one and say "What's up Devil Dog Ohrah!" and a Marine will respond with "KILL!"
That's a Marine, great to have in a fight but personality wise usually only other Jarheads can stand them sometimes. Hell just saying hello can result in an asskicking and that's them liking someone. One other thing remember that only one person talks in a paragraph the first one in this chapter you kind of messed up on that part.
Angel not angle