I went to Equestria once. I hated it.

by TheOncomingStorm

Chapter 4: An ever-so-joyous visit to Canterlot

The white princess pony thing then collapsed into yet another fit of laughter, and the purple pony, Twilight, just stared at her. I followed suit. After another few minutes of disgustingly happy laughter, she spoke.

"Princess Celestia, how do you know this cat? As far as I'm aware, nothing like this has ever been seen in Equestria!"

The quite-frankly-hideous Princess Celestia then wiped the highly unhygienic water from her eyes, put on a much more serious face, and looked up at Twilight.

"I think we may need to go to Canterlot for me to be able to answer that-"

"Why can't you just explain now? I'm a Princess now Celestia, I have my own freaking castle! I have wings! I'm no longer a student who solves every situation you can't be bothered to do! I demand you tell me now!"

She crossed her hooves childishly and began to wear a grumpy expression. What an amateur. Celestia just chuckled.

"I will tell you in good time, Princess. But it is easier to explain in Canterlot, and besides, there's a piece of cake back there with my name on it, and my castles a lot better, no offence. Bring the creature with you, and your five friends, for plot purposes."

- - -

After Twilight removed me from the scientific apparatus, she took the lizard thing and myself (unwillingly) through the pony hell town, which I learned was called Ponyville. The originality kills.
We walked towards what looked to be a simplistic train station, where a multi-coloured steam train awaited. Already waiting there was Pinkie Pie, an incredibly irritating white pony with a purple mane, a cyan pony with eye blindingly hideous rainbow hair, a yellow pony with a pink mane and an irritating voice, and an orange coloured pony with wheat hair, who looked and sounded to be inbred.

"Um, Twilight? Can ya remind me again why we ah going to Canterlot?" Enquired the hillbilly one.

"Girls, I want you to meet 'Grumpy Cat'... Pinkie found him in town earlier, and we are going to Canterlot so Princess Celestia can tell us who the heck he is-"

"Who she is, you imbecile..."

All the ponies gasped. Honestly... Why is it so shocking to have a talking cat? This hellhole already has talking horses, doesn't it?

The yellow one spoke.

"Did that k-kitty just... s-s-speak?"

"Yes, Fluttershy, she did. And that's why we're going all the way to Canterlot to find out who or what she is, and why she's here. Any questions?"

It was the hillbilly one who spoke this time.

"Just one... Why in the hay don't we just ask her where she's from and what she is? Ah mean, she is a talking cat!"

A loud thwack came from Twilight as she face-hoofed herself. It was deeply satisfying to watch her hit herself, I must tell you.

"So anyway... where do you come from? I'm pretty sure your not from Equestria, so are you an alien or something?" The rainbow one asked.

"The desolate mud ball where I come from is called Earth, and I live in a country called America. The main inhabitants of the planet are highly evolved monkeys, who are wrecking the already awful planet with pollution and other ghastly practices. They continuously go to war with each other, and one day they will hopefully wipe each other out, so their blasphemous optimism can perish forever. I hate them. I hate my home planet. I hate everything."

The six of them just stared at me. Spike coughed. Pinkie drooled. I yawned. Twilight gave a nervous chuckle.

"Okay, lets just get on the train, shall we...?"

As the eight of us piled onto the train, I began having lovely fantasies about humanity wiping out. I only have these sorts of thoughts rarely, so I savoured them.

---

Halfway through the train journey, as I was looking at the hideous scenery outside the window, the white unicorn with purple, curled hair came up to me with a a hairbrush levitating in front of her.

"I don't think I've introduced myself, have I?"

She spoke with a British accent. I hate the British. I continued to stare out of the window.

"Well, my name is Rarity, what's yours?"

"My names Tardar Sauce. But your probably just going to call me Grumpy Cat, most people do."

She then looked in horror at my fur, and laughed.

"Whether you are a pessimistic earth cat or not, how in fashions name are you able to have such dreadful fur!?" She seemed to have a shrill, irritating tone.

"Don't touch me with that. I will scratch your face, and kill your sisters pet gerbil."

"Don't talk to me like that! I'm going to brush your fur whether you like it or not, so hold still!"

The brush came closer to me, and as promised, I scratched her face. Only lightly, I have much better things to put my effort into. Like pessimism, and yawning. She walked away, cursing obscenities under her breath. I really hope she has a sister. And that her sister has a pet gerbil.

After a good half an hour of having fantasies about murdering gerbils, I was interrupted by the cyan pony yelling at the top of her lungs. Most annoying. I wonder if she has a pet gerbil...

"We're here! We're here!"

I looked out of the window, and what I saw was definitely in my top ten list of most hideous sights ever seen ever. In the distance, I saw a sprawled mind mess of polished, gleaming white towers and buildings, all topped with gold rooftops decorated with deep violet swirls and stars, Behind it was a huge, rocky mountain, covered in trees and flora. From this, a huge, surging waterfall rushed into a lake, underneath a drawbridge, and then downwards into a waterfall again. The entire city seemed to be holding onto the cliff face, facing the endless meadow of forests and lush Greenland where Ponyville sat.

After I threw most of the insides of my stomach out of the train window and recovered from the ghastly sight, we stopped at Canterlot station. After the seven of us and the lizard (apparently called "Spike") stepped out of the train, we walked through the streets of what I was told to be called hellonearth Canterlot. We walked through the streets, which seemed generic enough, with several cafes and shops littered about the place. As I passed one of the cafes, two snobby looking mares at a table looked at me with a certain look of disgust, muttering about the "state of my fur". I stopped in my tracks, and turned to look at them. They began to giggle. I jumped onto the table they were sat on, and dropped a beautifully made hair-ball in their tea. After they fainted, I walked to join the rest of the group.

The yellow mare looked down at me and smiled.

"There you are! We thought we lost you!"

She then picked me up with her wings, a surprising thing considering she probably had an incredibly low intellect level. As I scowled on her back, she began to talk. Yuck.

"I never told you my name, did I? I'm Fluttershy, and I just wanted to tell you how much I love animals, and how much I love the fact your a talking cat, and how much I hope we get you home, and how much I-"

"Shut up. I don't care."

"But, I just wanted to say-"

"Silence, pony. I do not care for your ramblings. Put me down."

She put me down, and began to make a sniffling sound. Here eyes began to water. I began to smirk.

"Hey! Did you just make Fluttershy cry!?" It was the rainbow one. She flew towards me, and put her face right next to mine.

"If you do that again, sister, you are going to get one giant rain boom of pain coming your way! You hear me?!"

I just looked up her and yawned. She walked away in some form of angry trot. After a few moments of blissful silence, Twilight spoke.

"We're here! Canterlot castle!"

I looked up, and saw a huge gleaming white and gold castle, with several spires and flags, and several stallion dressed in gold armour stood at what seemed to be battlements. Meh.

We walked inside, and after several highly glamorous/hideous walkways, we found Princess Celestia herself at in her throne room, signing forms, eating humongous pieces of cake. For a princess, she seemed to have a strange fondness fro Gluttony. She looked up at us and quickly swallowed her current mouthful.

"Welcome Twilight. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Spike, and of course, Grumpy cat herself. I have gathered you all here to explain as to why I know of this cat, and to explain a little about him."

"Great, lets get started-"

"Not quite yet, Twilight. First, we need to go to the Canterlot Tower. I feel it will be easier to explain there. Follow me."

Twilight rolled her eyes, and Celestia stood up from the throne, taking her giant plate of cake with her. We followed her through a labyrinth of corridors, and after an eternity, we arrived at a huge decorated door. Celestia unlocked it with her magical aura, and walked through. Before we could enter, she slammed the door behind her. We could hear her looking through the vaults, muttering to herself.

"Unused elements of harmony chest, bacon, magical boots, magical fish, magical fish feed, magical magic, unicorn tears, muffins, churches, gravy, very small rocks, aha! Got it!"

The door unlocked, and she held floating above her a laptop. Basic design, basic keyboard. On its top side it bore the company name "Microwaft". Ugh. I always hated that company. Always competing with "Pear".

"Pardon me Princess Celestia, but what in the hay is that there contraption thingy?"

"This, my dear Applejack, is a loptap, a contraption from the human dimension-"

"That's actually a laptop, you equine idiot-"

"This device is used in an alternate dimension by humans, and with this they "surf" the internet via waves known as "the web". On this "web", they share jokes and humour via comical pictures known as "mee-mees". I found this about a week ago when I was in my royal bed-chambers, and a swirling rainbow portal appeared on the wall. A moment later, the portal chucked this out and then closed. I was able to connect to "the web" and looked at some "mee-mees". One of these, was this."

She held up the laptop screen and showed the infamous and annoying "I had fun once. I hated it" meme.
"It appears that our feline friend comes from this dimension. She must have come through the same sort of portal. Tell us, Grumpy, where exactly did this portal open up?"

"In some sort of terribly made wooden tree-hut, where three irritating fillies found and tortured me. Needless to say, I escaped".

Applejack scowled at me.

"One of those irritating little fillies was my dear little sis, Apple Bloom, ya rude, dirty critter!"

I just yawned. I really was quite tired that day, and also quite grumpy. Twilight began muttering to herself.

"The loptap appeared a week ago... grumpy arrived today... and the clubhouse is exactly 6 miles south east from Celestia's bedroom-"

"How do you know the exact position of my bedroom?!"

A light bulb appeared above her head.

"I think I know when and where the next portal the the human dimension will end up?"

Everyone looked up at her with tension.

"Well, according to my calculations, it should open up next week, and somewhere 6 miles south east from the Cutie-Mark Crusaders clubhouse, so..."

"So what?" Everyone said in irritating unison. I swear they were all mind linked.

"I reckon that the next portal will open up somewhere deep inside the Everfree forest next week."

Everyone gasped in unison. Fluttershy fainted. I yawned. What? I hadn't gotten a good nights rest for at least 24 hours, I'll have you know.

"Then its settled. Next week, you six and spike will take Grumpy to the Everfree forest, and hopefully, be able to send him back through the portal."

"I have to stay in this abysmal place for a week?!"

I followed suit with Fluttershy, and fainted. I really was tired that day, it seems.

Author's Note:

Here you are, another chapter. You may have noticed I publish my chapters fairly slowly, since I try to put as much care and planning into them as I can. But I will try to publish them more frequently, promise.

Comments

[Cauchemar]

Grumpy cat will probably end up doing horrible things. Like salting the earth of the apple family farm.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

5436078 I watched it as well.