Aliens are the New Black

by Calamity Cons

Chapter One

Aliens are the New Black

Chapter One

Sollux Captor awoke in the brightness of day to water splashing onto his gray face and black hair, and wetting his shirt. Whatever he was dreaming about was now lost to him, his only thoughts bouncing between “what was that” “who is there” and “where am I” in that order. He kicked his legs frantically in surprise, splashing water everywhere, and accidentally kicked something. His kick was met with the pained neigh of a pony, accompanied with a very real sensation of being violently bucked around by an equine.

He tried to stop the uncomfortable sensation of being bucked around everywhere by grabbing onto the thing directly in front of him, which turned out to be the neck of the very pony trying to buck him off. Strangely, despite his arms having all the power of a limp noodle, always inferior to his psychic abilities, he was not successfully bucked. From this he could understand two things. One; he was sitting atop an angry pony that was trying to get him off. Two; he was somehow stuck on the back of said pony, and incapable of being removed.

He and the pony he was apparently riding were definitely not the only ones present, at least. He could distinctly make out at least two other voices, both female, and both angry. The closest voice seemed to be coming from directly in front of him, but he couldn’t see anything on account of having smooth locks of purple hair stuck in his face. The second voice seemed to be scolding someone else, but the voices were overlapping too much for him to make out what they were saying.

Eventually, someone’s voice rang out loudly, insisting that Rarity stop bucking. The pony he was riding, evidently named Rarity, stopped bucking him all over the place long enough for him to get his bearings. The troll, however, was too shocked by the strange wake-up call to lift his face from the blanket of purple hair in front of him. Although he was able to hear the voices that were speaking to him quite clearly.

“Alright, let’s try and slow down here.” The other voice said, “Now, the book says that in the case of meeting an obtrusive creature, one of the first things you should do is talk to it to try to get it out. In this case, off. So, whoever or whatever you are, please tell us why you refuse to get off of Rarity’s back,” The voice continued, clearly addressing Sollux directly. “If you will.” She added after a short pause.

Sollux could only respond with a groan, still buried in the hair. He started feeling really sick after the unwelcomed movement earlier, coupled with the fact that he had forgotten to eat before going to sleep and the hair he was clinging to was reeking of honey and raspberries and he hated raspberries so basically it was all he could do not to gag. The silence lasted an eternity for everyone, only being broken by a faint flapping of wings and an odd, boing-sound from behind him.

“Um, I think it might be… a little… sick from all… the… bucking” a third female voice spoke out, so softly he could barely hear her. “I mean, you… you did kick it around a lot… Rarity…” Wow, that voice was really soft and sheepish. He would have pitied her if he weren’t on the verge of hurling. Though, less so than earlier, at least.

“You think he’s gonna puke?” Yet another female voice asked.

“I certainly hope not!” said the closest voice, the voice that belonged to Rarity (as far as he could tell). Strange… Sollux could almost swear that the voice was coming… from the pony he was involuntarily riding. “I just washed my hair this morning!” She added. Sollux’s feelings immediately shifted from pity to contempt. He regained his composure, took a deep breath, and ignored the swirls in his stomach for the time being. Grunting loudly, he pulled himself away from the hair to get a look at his… wait…

… This was not what he had expected.

-----

“Let’s try and take this a bit more slowly.” The purple pony said. Sollux was in no position to respond though. Where the hell was he? How could he understand these alien hoofbeasts? What was he doing here? What happened last night? This was the stuff of his sugar-coated nightmares, definitely nothing he was used to. Why were there so many ponies? And why were they all female?

Not to mention the sunlight constantly pouring into the room was starting to hurt his eyes, what with being a nocturnal species and all. Evidently these creatures were diurnal, and since he was somehow bound to the back of one of them, he was probably going to get sunburned to death. If he survived this, he was going to blame it all on FLARP, and especially the three girls that had apparently thought it would be a good idea to get him wrapped into the whole thing in the first pl—

“I said greetings! Alien from another planet!” The purple pony bellowed, grabbing Sollux’s attention again, “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I am a Unicorn from the city of Canterlot, here in Equestria. What’s your name?”

Sollux could do little but stare through his dual-tinted glasses. He looked down at the pony he was riding (Rarity?), a similar creature to Twilight—same horn, at least. Everything else was different though; Rarity’s hair was a smooth, curly violet, while Twilight’s hair was black with colored streaks through it. Rarity’s body was white, while Twilight’s was purple, and yet they both held themselves with the same air of self-confidence that he had seen only so many times. It became clear to him that these were both high bloods, and that he was currently stuck to one of them for reasons unknown. This troubled him.

“Ohhh okay then. Maybe you’re just not comfortable talking to me yet because of all the other ponies around here? So, let me try again. My name,” Twilight pointed to herself with her hoof for emphasis, “Is Twilight Sparkle, and as I said before I am a Unicorn. The pony you’re riding on right now is Rarity, she’s also a Unicorn.” Rarity stole a glance at Sollux at the mention of her name.

“This,” Twilight pointed upwards to the blue, flying pony above her, “is Rainbow Dash. She is a pegasus. Down here is Fluttershy. She’s also a pegasus, but she’s uh… not as outgoing as Rainbow Dash is.” Fluttershy uttered a strange squeaky sound at this. Then all of a sudden he was assaulted by the pink, bouncing pony that had previously been behind him.

“And I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m an Earth Pony, and I don’t have any fancy wings or horns or anything, but that’s not that big of a deal because I have a lot of other special talents! In fact, we all have a bunch of special talents! I’m good at parties, Rainbow’s good at sports, Twilight’s good at magic, Rarity’s good at designing, Fluttershy’s good with animals and ooh! Ooh! You have a cutie-mark too! What’s your special talent?”

Sollux had no idea what to say. What in the world was a cutie mark? This motor mouth seemed pretty adamant that he respond though…

“What’2 a cutiie mark?” he asked stupidly, his lisp becoming incredibly obvious. The pony gasped loudly.

“You don’t know what a cutie mark is!?”

“Ah, no.” Sollux narrowed his eyes.

“Oh yeah? Then, how do you explain that?” The blue pegasus (her name was Rainbow Dash, right?) accused, pointing her hoof directly at the yellow symbol on Sollux’s shirt.

“You mean my 2ymbol? Uhh…” Sollux started to backtrack a little bit. How was he going to explain the whole symbol thing? A troll’s symbol described almost everything about them; their place in the hierarchy, their natural talents, the amount of mutations in their genes, what their personality entails…

“Hey… is that the symbol for Gemini?” Twilight asked, stepping closer to get a good look at his symbol.

“What?”

“The symbol you have on your shirt. It’s the same one used to represent the constellation of Gemini.” Sollux gave her a quizzical look, “You know, in astrology?” Okay, that’s it. Sollux decided he wasn’t going to have any more questions.

“Get me off.” He said sternly, looking back at Twilight.

“No can do, mister alien!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing around in a haphazard circular shape around him and Rarity, “We’ve already tried everything we could to get you off of Rarity just a few minutes ago!”

“Everythiing?”

“Oh yes, we have tried absolutely everything we could think of!” Rarity stated, “Failsafe spells, forceful pulling, wind and rain and weather… why, the only thing we hadn’t tried yet was just asking you, so if you please wouldn’t mind undoing whatever spell you did to get on my back and doing us both a favor by getting off?”

“Uh…” Sollux shook his head a little, squinting his eyes in the brightness, trying not to yawn. It wasn’t… quite as bright as the sun on Alternia, but it was still obnoxious and distracting him. “II don’t think II can.”

“What? Why not?” Rarity asked.

“II’ve got a huge headache.” Sollux couldn’t help himself, and yawned, “And II 2hould probably be a2leep riight now, too.”

“Asleep? What are you, an owl? Hee hee!” Pinkie Pie said.

“What’2 an owl?”

“Um…” Sollux turned to face the new voice, looking straight at Fluttershy. She shrunk away at his gaze. “I mean, an owl is… a bird that is asleep during the day… and awake at night.”

“What we mean is, are you nocturnal?” Twilight clarified.

“Ye2.” Sollux said. “All troll2 are.”

“Oh, so, your species is called trolls?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah…” Sollux got a bad feeling about this.

“Ooh! This is exciting! What does your symbol mean?”

“Iit mean2, uh… Iit mean2 II am who II am.” Sollux said after a half-hearted attempt to condense the extensive meaning of his sign.

“So it is like a cutie mark!” Pinkie Pie said.

“II... gue22?”

“What else can you tell me about your kind? What planet are you from? Is your species a matriarchy or a patriarchy? How many moons does your home planet have? Have you ever made contact with other species before? How did you get here?” Twilight asked in rapid succession. Sollux blinked confusedly, trying to process all of the information he was just asked for in his mind. Not too big of a problem for one with such a high IQ as his.

“Iin order; II’m from a planet known a2 Alterniia, my 2peciie2 ii2 a matriiarchy, two moon2 and one moonlet orbiitiing the other moon, no, II haven’t, and II have no iidea.”

Twilight excitedly paced the floor in a neat circle, processing everything she heard from the troll as well as she could. Sollux waited for her somewhat impatiently, realizing he wasn’t going to go anywhere any time soon, but still antsy from being the same room as five talking female ponies.

“Ooh, this is so exciting! If it’s not too big of a deal, I still have a few more questions, if you don’t mind—”

“Oh come on, Twilight! You can ask him about his life story later!” Rainbow Dash interjected. Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a stern glare, before regaining her composure and picking up where she left off.

“Okay. So, from what you’ve told me, you have no recollection of what you did or did not do that ended with you magically bound to Rarity’s back with no visible means of reversing the effect, correct?”

“Nope.”

“And you also don’t know how you’re going to get off Rarity’s back either, correct?”

“Hiit the naiil on the head now can we plea2e get on wiith iit?” Sollux asked. He gave Twilight an annoyed leer, his mouth twisting into a frown.

“…Alright then.” Twilight said after a moment of pause, “So, since you—”

“Ooh! Ooh! I have a question! I have a question!” Pinkie Pie said, receiving groans from both Rainbow Dash and Sollux. This was starting to get out of hand. How many questions was he going to have to answer before these dumb ponies get to the point and fix the problem at hand? They were being so inefficient and—

“Mister Alien, why do your horns look like candy corn?” Pinkie asked anyway, ignoring the disapproving grunts from her friend and source of inquiry. Sollux blinked in confusion, but his eyebrows remained furrowed.

“What’2 candy corn?” he asked. Pinkie Pie gasped loudly in surprise, again, causing Rarity to lean back a ways.

“You don’t know what candy corn is!?”

“Uh… no.” Sollux said plainly. This gained him a look of severe disapproval from the obnoxiously brightly-colored pony. Actually scratch that—they were ALL brightly and obnoxiously colored. The only one that seemed to have a semblance of unobtrusive coloring scheme was the very pony he was riding. Okay, so white might be a little gothic, but it was still better than being purple, or pink, or blue with every color he could name in their hair.

“A-hem.” Twilight said loudly, trying to get their attention back. “So, since you clearly have no idea what happened that ended with you here in Equestria and magically bound to Rarity’s back, that can only mean one thing!”

“Ooh! Ooh! What would that be?” Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing with excitement, her earlier anger seemingly dissipating into thin air.

“We have a mystery on our hands!” Twilight said proudly, puffing her chest out, “And don’t worry your pretty little alien head,” she added, pushing her head up to Sollux’s face for emphasis, “I will not rest, until I discover the reason behind your sudden appearance!” She beamed as she said this, head right in his face the entire time, giving him a clear view of the fact that she had some green stuff stuck between her two front teeth.

It was all Sollux could do to keep from face palming. What!? Seriously? That was what she thought the problem was? She thought the most important thing to do at the moment was to figure out how he got here? He didn’t give a crap about how he got here, he just wanted to get off this stupid horse and back to his hive on Alternia!

“Wow, gee, thank2, II gue22.” Sollux said, his words dripping with sarcasm, “but II would rather you fiigure out a way two get me back to my home planet.” Twilight’s open eyes started to lose their sheen, and she pulled her head back. Sollux’s face was now twisted in anger.

“II mean, II’m 2ure you guy2 liike liiviing on your home planet, and, oh, what do you know! II liike beiing on my home planet a2 well! 2o you can 2kiip all the my2tery-2olviing and viillaiin cha2iing and ju2t get to the part where II get off thii2 2tupiid hor2e and back to my planet.”

Gasps of surprise came from everyone this time, not just Pinkie Pie. Rarity lifted herself up onto her haunches, making him lose his balance and begin to fall. She landed tersely on the ground, and Sollux was effectively disoriented and shaken. Rarity now had his full attention.

“Now you listen here, mister.” Rarity craned her neck to look her rider in one of her eyes, “I don’t care who you are, or where you’re from, but for whatever reason you are on my back, and while you are on my back, you live on my rules.” The fire in her eyes was clear, and she would not take no for an answer. Sollux said no anyway.

“Oh yeah? And what iif ii don’t do anythiing you 2ay and be a2 iirriitable a2 po22iible?”

“And why would you do that?”

“Oh, II dunno, maybe becau2e you’re ju2t a 2tupiid pony thiing and II’m a 2ophii2tiicated and iintelligent creature wiith a miind that 2urely 2urpa22e2 your2?”

“Hey! You can’t talk to Rarity like that!” Rainbow Dash said, flying closer to him and getting all up in his face (clearly it seemed these ponies had no sense of personal space at all) “And where did you get that big hot shot attitude of yours, anyway?”

“What’2 iit two you, anonymou2?” He retorted, glaring at the rainbow colors of her mane and tail.

“Anonymous? What kind of an insult is that?”

“Well, maybe iit’2 becau2e you’re 2o a2hamed of your blood color you’d wear all of them at once?”

“Blood color? Ooh! Ooh! Does your species have different blood colors?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“What, you don’t?” Sollux responded. Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to ask more questions, but was stopped almost instantaneously by Twilght.

“HEY!” Twilight yelled out again, grabbing all of their attention. “Now listen mister troll, Rarity’s right. You should show respect as a guest and visitor to our planet by conforming to our customs for the time being, showing proper etiquette, and refraining from using inappropriate language.” Twilight began. “Furthermore, you should always be respectful to your elders, so you are obligated to blah blah blah blah”

Twilight continued like this for what felt like hours to Sollux. Watching her pace the ground and give him a lecture on proper pony politeness, all while the light of the sun poured into the room like warm milk… He just couldn’t help himself. He rested his head on Rarity’s hair once more, a remarkably comfortable and soft pillow for his head. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care, and in moments, Sollux had fallen asleep, forgetting that he was in a strange new planet with no way to get back home in sight as soon as he closed his eyes.

-----

“Aaand he fell asleep. Is he asleep? Yes, he’s asleep.” Twilight groaned, throwing her hoof into her face in exasperation.

Rarity took a glance at her rider, finding him relaxed and breathing softly, his face buried in her mane once more. He was clearly asleep. Again. Perhaps she couldn’t really blame him; he did say he was nocturnal after all. But still—his colors were just so dark and desaturated and it didn’t go well at all with anything in the room! Perhaps it made sense for a nocturnal creature to have a dark color scheme but come on!

His colors clashed terribly with her natural mane and coat. She would very much like him to get off as soon as possible, since having a permanent rider like this was not only severely unfashionable, it was also becoming cumbersome, putting strain on her back. Well, okay, he wasn’t that heavy, and to be quite honest he didn’t actually weigh anything at all but still!

“What a rude little boy he is!” Rarity said, “Where did he get such a sharp tongue? And how did he become so self-centered?”

“Who knows? Maybe that kind of stuff is normal for trolls!” Pinkie Pie asked.

“See? This is exactly why I wanted to ask him more questions about his species! The things we could have learned about him could have been really important! We would have known what offended him, or what social class he is, or—”

“Blah blah blah whatever.” Rainbow interjected, “If wherever he’s from uses the word anonymous as an insult, I bet it must be pretty dull.”

“Who knows, Rainbow Dash? For all we know, he could be seriously offended by those who prefer to remain anonymous!” Twilight retorted.

“Yeah, and maybe he could be seriously offended by like, buckets or something.”

“Well, whatever his reasoning may be, you can’t just leave him stuck to me like this!” Rarity finally said, interrupting their argument, “I can’t work with him on my back all the time. I haven’t even started on the final dress for my latest commission and if I don’t finish it by tonight, the release date will have to be delayed! The commissioners have already been waiting a week for them. It would be unfair to make them wait any longer.” Rarity said.

“Calm down, Rarity. I’m sure we can fix this in time for you to finish that commission.” Twilight reassured.

“Are you quite certain about that?”

“Certain as I’ll ever be.” Twilight said with a smile.

“Yeah, and even if he doesn’t end up coming off ever again, think of all the media attention you can get with having a bona-fide alien on your back!” Pinkie Pie cheered, blissful as ever. “And one with candy corn on his head, no less!”

“Thank you for the, uh, support, dear.” Rarity said, inwardly cringing at the thought of becoming a paparazzi freak show with an alien stuck to her back. “Still, I would, much rather he gets off at some point. And not just for my sake!” She added, “He seems to be just a child, after all. His parents must be worried sick about him.”

“What do you mean a child? The way he talked it sounded like he was, I dunno, twenty or something!” Rainbow said.

“Well, I’m not expert, but from what I can tell he seems to be pretty young. I’m not sure though—I’ll have to ask Lyra about human anatomy later to be sure.”

“Why would you ask Lyra about it?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yeah! I don’t know about you, but he looks way too gray to be a human!” Pinkie Pie said.

“A-hem.” Rarity said. Really, these ponies are getting way too off-topic. Couldn’t they see how dire the situation was? She had an alien on her back. And neither she nor her unwelcomed rider knew how to get him off, or even how he had gotten on her in the first place. All she remembers is a bright, vivid light coming from what appeared to be a beam of sunlight… And then, the next thing she knew, there was an alien on her back! How on earth was she going to get him off now?

She voiced all of her concerns to her friends. Surely they can focus long enough to at least reassure her. But still, Rarity would have liked nothing more than proof that they cared enough about her to get him off. If only Applejack were here; she would have been able to find a logical solution to this almost immediately, and keep all the ponies from getting off-topic so often. But then again, it was Applebuck Season. She was probably going to be busy with harvesting for the next week or so.

“Don’t worry Rarity! I’m sure we’re going to get him off of you in no time!” Pinkie said.

“Yeah! We’ll get him off as soon as we can! Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, Rarity. He’s getting off of you if it’s the last thing I do!” Rainbow said, stretching her muscles for emphasis.

“I’ll go through the library’s archives to see if I can find anything about your situation. I’m sure there has to be at least one spell to get him off you. If nothing else, I might be able to find the spell that got him on you in the first place.” Twilight said.

“Oh, but what if there isn’t a way to get him off of her?” Fluttershy asked.

“Not a problem, Fluttershy. If all else fails, we can always ask Princess Celestia about it. She’ll know what to do for sure.”

“Yeah! Don’t worry Rarity; we’ll get mister candy-corn off your back lickety-split!” Pinkie said.

“You already said that!” Rainbow Dash said.

“I did?”

“Oh that’s wonderful, thank you all very much!” Rarity said before Rainbow and Pinkie derailed the conversation again. Still, she couldn’t help but laugh. She really didn’t have anything to worry about, did she? Her friends were going to help her get through this. Nothing was going to stop them from helping her. So, by that logic, nothing should stop her from finishing those dresses! Things were going to be okay. She was sure of it.

But she still couldn’t help but wonder one thing about her new rider. And it wasn’t how he got here, or why he behaved the way he did, or how old he was, or even clarifying questions about his wardrobe. What she wondered the most was… what were his friends doing? Were they trying to find him? Were they completely unaware that he was gone? Did he even have any friends?

She would have to ask him about it once he woke up. For now, she would just have to wait. And yet, she couldn’t shake the feeling that things were going to go pretty sour, pretty soon.

Comments

[Kawa]

Shirt symbols equal cutie marks? Obvious.

[Meta Knight]

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

Oh god FINALY a homestuck crossover where the trolls aren't ponified.
I'm loving this so far :)

[Shader]

I love the... I guess I would have to call it 'completely balmy concept'.

Take this character from here, and attach him to her.

Don't forget: Trolls think fashion is stupid.

This should be good.

[InarJollyhound]

How is Solux stuck onto rarity?? Is it Magic keeping him from getting off, or is it just pure fusion?
Hmmm have they tried lifting rarity into the sky and turning her upside-down???
Also! does Sollux have access to his legs we dont want him to end up like Tavros!
==>

[confidentPrognosticator]

“Yeah, and maybe he could be seriously offended by like, buckets or something.”

What you did there....

[N Harmonia Greatfield]

3823821
XDDD I laughed so hard at that moment.

[gdrmfb]

don't they have severe nightmares without sopor slime? i'm looking forward to seeing something like that.

[_AnimaticKitt_]

OHMGOSHHHHHHHSHSSOSHHSOHHOOOMMGGHHHSHSH. LMAO .. yesh. Best fanfic ever. Like- Ever. uhm why do you have candy corn on your head?? Lol ASK KARKAT what if there offended by something as simple as buckets LOL

[Dismay]

“Yeah, and maybe he could be seriously offended by like, buckets or something.”

You have no idea