The New Recruit

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Comments ( 11 )

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KaBar42

KaBar42 #1 · Nov 4th, 2014 · 3 · ·

Any rude or hateful or trolling comments will be deleted, and further comments may be deleted if I darn well feel like it.

I wouldn't do that if I were you. Let their bigotry show as proof of their idiocy, but without that comment, you've no proof that they were being hateful.

That, and FIMFic hates comment deleters.

Jake The Army Guy

Jake The Army Guy #2 · Nov 5th, 2014 · 3 · ·

Hmm, might I guess this was inspired by this? Seems a pretty hefty much like it...

kingfish

kingfish #3 · Nov 5th, 2014 · · ·

5228425
Duly noted. Description to be changed shortly.
5228633
Ah, you got me!
EDIT: Now that I think about it, I should credit them for the idea.

The Guardian and Friends

The Guardian and Friends #4 · Nov 5th, 2014 · 2 · 11 ·

Lel, a potential comment deleter is trying to look good. How adorable!

Double Entendre

Double Entendre #5 · Nov 5th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Not bad. I can definitely see the influence of Corporal Punishment in this. I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors. I definitely enjoyed the fact that Coconut had a thing for balls (I may or may not have a thing for that myself). As someone who thinks a stallion should smell like a stallion, I definitely liked the references to colt musk and the scents of sex. The double penetration was a nice addition a swell.

I also snerked at the surprise ending. Molestia likes watching some stallion-on-stallion action? I can totally picture that.

There were a few places that I felt like the story could benefit from some synonym usage, or even a bit of purple prose to pretty up the descriptive text. For example, you use the word 'cock' 13 times throughout the story, sometimes multiple times in the same paragraph; changing some of those out for other terms (member, shaft, junk, dick, stallionhood, turgid and veiny meatpole [heh]) would add some variety while still getting your point across.

With all that said, I enjoyed it (and so did certain parts of my anatomy). Overall I'd give you a 6.5/10, which is a pretty solid rating for story that's purely clop.

kingfish

kingfish #6 · Nov 5th, 2014 · · ·

5231363
To be brutally honest, I was painfully aware of the overuse of "cock," but I wrote this in a fit of horny rage and that's my favorite word for it. I was planning to edit it later anyway, but glad you picked up on that.

Alcatraz