Life in the Mind of Uncle Discord

by I Thought I Was Toast

Chapter 7: The Doctor is in the Dwair

Chapter 7: The Doctor is in the Dwair

The next couple weeks were fairly uneventful. Well… They were fairly uneventful for somepony used to being trapped in the mind of a being of chaos and who was put through periodic pranks and psychological torture by said being. Soarin’ and the other Wonderbolts recovered from their near death experience and Uncle found other ways to test me, ones that didn’t involve killing my friends.

I was still surprised he had actually bothered doing as much for the Wonderbolts as he had. When he had told me he’d saved them I’d assumed he’d left them barely in a state where they’d go through an agonizing recovery. He’d actually given them the works. He’d willed away all the physical harm he put them through and set them in a cozy little wing of the Dwair that was like a paradise. The problem with their recovery is that he couldn’t will away the mental wounds he’d inflicted. The stress of having to go through that trial wingless, the fear caused by their plummet to the heavens, and the trauma from all the injuries the rapid change in pressure had caused. Apparently having your blood bubble within you wasn’t pleasant. The good news was they were at least recovering. That was more than could be said for those Discord hadn’t gotten to in time. It still made me furious that he had actually done that.

My nights had also been much more pleasant. There hadn’t been any particularly noteworthy inner demons I’d faced for a while. A couple genocidal dictators, some deals with the devil, even a few psychotic clowns, it was all just your boring old cliché villains like you would find in any old book. Compared to the first few nights they were relatively easy to beat. Something was bothering me about my training though. So far I had only had contact with corrupted versions of myself. I had yet to find any versions of me that represented a good outcome for me. It almost felt like any path I took led me to some sort of damnation. That couldn’t be true though… Could it?

Shaking my head from that rather depressing line of thought I returned my attention to my book. Lately I’d been focusing on fiction rather than fact. Studying those musty old tomes was fine and dandy but truth be told I liked a good story more. All those years I’d spent studying the textbooks of the Canterlot Library had been very laborious. And as much as I loved to learn it just was never as rewarding coming from an inanimate object. I had always learned better academically from the few professors that had been trapped in here. Having an intelligent discussion of why the facts were facts rather than merely memorizing them had always felt more… natural.

I leafed through the pages of the book trying to speculate on what was going to happen. It was one of my favorite things to do when I read and I prided myself on being rather good at it. Unfortunately sometimes Uncle Discord would take to messing with the books just like he did with all those movies. I was almost positive that Little Roan Riding Hood should not have ended with that sweet little filly morphing into a wolf and eating her grandmother in the light of a full moon. Luckily there were so many books in the library that there was no way Discord could have gotten to them all.

I had just found a few key clues I had missed before that were tying in nicely with the clues I had already noticed and the theory I had been developing for some time when the text just up and changed on me.

Meet me in the throne room -Discord

Great… Another day without being able to finish. Closing the book and hoping the text change wasn’t permanent, I trotted off down the hall. As I passed several groups of ponies I saw them whisper to each other and give me odd looks. After a second I realized that, for once in my life, I was walking instead of having the floor zip me down the hall. It was almost shameful. I could do better than mere walking!

The problem was I didn’t feel like zipping down the hall. I didn’t even feel like bouncing my way down the hall which was ten times more fun. Something in the air told me today was a serious day. That rather than some mundane little prank Discord actually had a good reason for summoning me for once.

Walking into the throne room I found him sitting there. No maniacal laughing, no chocolate rain or flying pigs, no smile or smirk of a prank about to commence, he was just sitting there staring at a spot on the wall. For those who knew him this was odd to the extreme. While Discord was rather unpredictable, being the embodiment of chaos, there was, none-the-less, a method to his madness if you watched for it. Staring off into space and contemplating the universe did not fit into that method, not in the slightest. Discord always had an unending stream of fidgety energy. He had to do something. Why do you think he toyed with everypony?

It was truly unsettling watching him like that but I knew better than to interrupt. I sat there waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. Day turned to night and seasons turned as I waited, and I do mean that literally. I could see it happen outside the window he’d placed here recently, which meant he was still being chaotic on some level.

Finally he roused himself from his contemplation to look at me. “Do you know anything about the world outside here?”

I was surprised. He generally didn’t like any reminder that he wasn’t free to terrorize everypony on the planet. “Not much… I know what my books have told me, and what a few of the others told me. If you’re asking about the state of affairs in the world outside I only know a little about that. I know about Nightmare Moon and how she took over Equestria, slaying her elder sister. I know how she defeated you when you escaped by trapping you and all of Canterlot in a prison fueled by your own imagination and chaos, and how it’s impossible to escape because it follows your own chaotic nature. I also heard something about how that wasn’t the proper way to defeat you. One of the scholars said it was cheating to defeat you like that and mumbled something about an artifact called the Elements of Harmony.”

“Ahhh… So you know of the Elements?” Discord mused, “Remind me to flog the scholars with rubber chickens for that. I would have thought they’d lose all faith in the Elements after they failed to stop Nightmare Moon. Oh well… You know more than I expected then which is just as well, I suppose, since I’ve decided to tell you about the bargain today.”

The bargain? Excitement welled up in me. I’d been dying to hear of the bargain for years now. I didn’t know anything about my past other than that I’d been given to Discord as a little colt to be raised by him. The other ponies hadn’t been able to tell me anything. I’d just randomly shown up one day for them. A couple years ago Discord had started making obscure references to this bargain. His comments on it laced with hints that he knew more about me than he had ever told me. The hints had gotten more and more noticeable until he was practically taunting me with it during the months since training began, presumably a part of the bargain, although why my original parents would want me to be subjected to torture like that, or had allowed Discord to put that in there evaded me. I also hoped it would explain my Cutie Mark.

The odd thing about my Cutie Mark was that it was different to everypony. Many ponies told me they saw a Cutie Mark that related to magic. A moon with shooting stars, a pentacle, or even magical runes of some kind. Some saw things related to what they thought of my personality, A question mark to tell them I was erratic, a book telling them of my interest in learning, or, in some cases, a little mini-Discord spiraling inward when they thought I was a bit too chaotic for my own good. What was even odder than the different appearance for everypony else was I couldn’t see it myself. To myself it appeared as if I was still a blank flank. I’d searched book after book in the Canterlot Library and hadn’t found any precedent on a case like this.

“In any case I’ve put it off much longer than I should have. Maybe if you had known your purpose from the beginning your training would have progressed even faster.”

Faster? Did he mean if he told me earlier I wouldn’t have had to have gone through as much torture! I was just about to chew him out over that but curiosity won out over anger. I had to know what the Bargain was. I was almost literally bouncing up and down in anticipation of hearing what he had to say. In fact, I had started bouncing. I was willing the floor into a more elastic state without realizing it. The result was my little hops of excitement had sort of magnified without me realizing it.

Discord smirked at my obvious excitement. Opening his mouth he began to say something when a sudden whirring filled the air. Slowly building from a whisper to a scream we glanced around trying to find the source of the noise. The noise grated on the ears, almost like somepony had left the brakes on on a cart, liking the noise it made skidding around. As it reached a pitch an odd little blue box suddenly appeared above my uncle and plowed his head into the ground as it crashed to the floor. When the dust cleared all I could see were his twitching feet.

“REALLY!” I yelled at the universe, “YOU’RE REALLY GONNA STALL AGAIN?!?”

“Do keep it down,” said a brown pony stepping from out of the box, “Wouldn’t want to draw everyone’s- I mean everypony’s blasted attention to us now, would we?” It was that pony I’d seen a while ago… What was his name? The Doctor? That was it. How the hay had he appeared out of nowhere? I hadn’t thought anypony but me and Discord had enough willpower to teleport around the Dwair.

The Doctor looked around the room apparently trying to get his bearings. Focusing on the window he stopped for a second musing, “I say… How is it day and night seem to be shifting so rapidly? Its rather fascinating, there’s no fixed pattern what-so-ever. I’ve never seen a planet with such chaotic rotation. Wait a minute… I’m forgetting this universe has different rules again,” he turned to me glancing at my Cutie Mark before talking to me, “Hello there… I’m going to guess you're Baffle Buck? Are the Princesses alright? I can’t imagine everything’s all peachy with such radical shifts in day and night.”

“H-how’d you know my name?” I asked ignoring the question, “I’ve only ever seen you once and you wouldn’t even stop to let me introduce myself. Something about a paradox?”

“Oh? We’ve met before? I certainly don’t remember that, but I’ll assume it was very nice meeting you for the first time. I wonder what time it will be for me? Oh well, it will sort itself out in the end. As to your name, it’s just so blatantly obvious with a Cutie Mark like that.” He snorted. “I would have said Perplexing Ponderer but you’re obviously one who baffles not one who perplexes. And I know what you’re thinking and I’m going to tell you right now, yes, there’s a difference. You didn’t answer my question however. Are the Princesses alright?”

“Umm… Are you sure you shouldn’t be asking if you’re alright?” I asked tilting my head in puzzlement, “You had to have crashed pretty hard to forget where you are. You’re in the Dwair of Discord. Nightmare Moon has no power here and I’m pretty sure not even Celestia can do anything from her grave.”

“Wait a minute… Did you say Nightmare Moon? Did you say Celestia's dead?!?” the Doctor glared at the box still crushing Discord, “Well Tardis you’ve done it again. You do have a tendency to toss me in rather odd situations, don’t you? Did you toss me in yet another alternate universe run by candy colored equines? Oh well, I suppose I’m needed here in some way then.”

This pony was without a doubt one of the oddest I’d met. Don’t get me wrong, I had nothing against odd ponies. I was told I was rather odd myself. It’s just normally it wasn’t me calling others odd.

“Umm… Not that I find your ramblings fascinating but do you think you could move that thing off my uncle?”

The doctor glanced down at the bottom of the box, “Oh dear me. It appears I’ve pulled a Wizard of Oz,” Discord’s foot twitched from under the machine. He glanced at the obviously non-pony leg, “Are you sure he’s your uncle? Can’t say I see the family resemblance…”

“I’m adopted,” I said flatly, “Now can you please get it off of him?”

“Can’t say I’ll think he’ll live through the Tardis landing on him but whatever. I think I’ll set my coordinates for Ponyville. I’m sure someone there can explain what’s going on.”

I was about to ask him what he meant by that but he had already scurried into the box. I don’t know how he fit inside, but he stepped in like it was no problem. The loud whirring noise shot up again and the box lifted into the air fading away.

Discord groggily sat up. “My goodness… He certainly took his time getting that thing off me.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “Do you know who that is? I’ve only seen him once around before.”

“No I don’t know… I can’t tell you how infuriating it is that there’s been a new toy running around and I didn’t know about it.”

He hadn’t known? That was certainly a first. Discord always knew everypony in his mind. It was his mind after all. I was about to ask him about that when the whirring noise came again. I had just enough time to brace for the impact as the box landed on my uncle… again…

Really?!? Had he not just said he was going to leave? I was never going to get a chance to find out about the bargain, was I? I moved over to the box opening it up to give him a piece of my mind. My jaw went slack as I peered inside. Inside was an enormous room with gadgets and gizmos and gears. Levers and lights dotted the room and various humming noises could be heard. The Doctor turned as I opened the door. “No! No! No! No! Out!” he yelled, “You’re not supposed to see this!”

Pushing me out he glanced around the room and seeing he was back he suddenly stopped. “Horseapples!” he swore, “Oh good, I got that right. I’d be thrilled if it weren’t for the fact that I’m still here. Why am I still here?”

“What is that little box?” I countered.

“It’s called the Tardis and it should have gotten me out of here and into Ponyville. So again, why am I still here?”

“Pfft! I snorted. “Like that little thing could get you out of here. You’re trapped in here like everypony else. Completely separated from the rest of the world with us in this little pocket of insanity Nightmare Moon created. Now how was that box bigger on the inside than on the outside? Wait! Let me guess! I want to figure it out for myself!” I sat there for a couple minutes considering and tossing out every idea that came into my head. The Doctor, in the meantime, tried rather unsuccessfully to escape several more times and every time he came back Discord got another lump on his head.

“Aha!” I said after what was probably try number eight or nine for the Doctor, “Could it be that I’m looking at this wrong? What if the inside isn’t the inside but the outside? It could be larger on the inside because I’m in the wrong reference point if I’m in fact on the inside of the box then of course the outside will look bigger. But that doesn’t make any sense… That would imply our whole universe was on the inside of a box. Oh my, the implications of that are rather interesting. If I destroyed the box, for example, would it destroy the universe? What does that imply about the machines on the walls of the box?”

“Argh! Forget it!” yelled the Doctor, “I’m through messing around with this thing! I’m going to travel back in time as far as I bloody can and find some time period when this blasted piece of space doesn’t exist. Then I’ll work my way forward, very carefully, until I find out who’s bloody responsible and what the hay I’m supposed to do.” With that emotional outburst he tried again and surprisingly managed to vanish without coming back immediately this time.

“Time travel? Did he say something about time travel?” I mused, not even really noticing he’d gone, “Interesting… That might explain some of the machines in there. If our universe was just in a box and that little box was the way outside it I suppose it would only make sense that the outside of the box be equipped with gizmos that could tweak the parameters of the universe inside it. You know, things like what point on the universe’s timeline you enter, and where the entrance actually lets you out. I must ask him about that. Oh Doctor!” It was then I’d noticed he had stayed gone this time. “Oh drat. Oh well, I’m bound to run into him again sometime. The Dwair isn’t that big and I doubt he’d head to the outlands.”

Discord groaned and got up again. “Is he gone for good this time or should I just get back on the floor and embrace for impact?”

After a couple of minutes of awkward silence as we waited for the whirring to return we finally convinced ourselves he was gone for now.

“Okay! Now that that’s out of the way can we talk about the bargain?” I asked.

“Yes we can finally talk about the barg-“

It was at this point the whirring noise filled the air again.

“Oh for Pete’s sake!”

This time he didn’t wait for it to appear. Discord just got down on the ground and waited for it to crash on his head. The Doctor poked his head out of the box. What had he called it? The Tardis?

“Oops…” he said sheepishly, “Sorry! Guess that tells me what times are safe to visit without being dragged back here. Time to go figure out what the hay is going on!”

I tried to stop him to ask him some questions about that marvelous machine but he’d already popped back in and was whirring away. Discord slowly climbed out of the large indent in the floor that had been made by the repeated smashings.

“Go…”

“But what about the bargain?”

"GO! NOW! The universe clearly doesn’t want me to tell you right now. I’ll tell you during training tonight.”

Grumbling I walked from the room. Sometimes it just felt like the universe liked playing stupid pranks on me. I swear I got enough of those from Discord. Oh well, training it would have to be.