"Hey Rainbow!" yelled Derpy, trying to get Rainbow Dashes attention. Derpy is a gray pegasus. She has a straw colored main and a golden wall-eyed stare. "You got a letter today! It's from some guy named Steel Wing!"
'Now why would that piece of trash still be writing me? I told him to back off!' Rainbow Dash thought. Rainbow Dash is a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. She also has magenta eyes. "Could you leave it at my house Derpy? I've got to get these storm clouds to the Everfree tonight."
"Sure! Bye Dash!" Derpy replied as she started to fly to Rainbows house to drop of the letter.
Now saying Rainbow Dash didn't like Steel Wing would be an understatement. No THE understatement of the century. He used to be her best friend until she found out he was stalking her and Fluttershy. As soon as she found out she took Fluttershy and left the city, telling him to never contact her again. So why would he write now? 'Guess I'll find out soon enough.' Rainbow thought sullenly. 'At least Flutters is non the wiser about him. She would be scarred for life.'
With her clouds now above the Everfree forest she would return to her cloud mansion and read his letter, after all better safe than sorry when it comes to stalkers. As she got home the letter read this.
Dear Rainbow Dash,
I love you and you know this, but you push me away. I got tired of this so I will fight for you. Did you know there is a weak cloud in the 'ground' of cloudesdale? Or that with a simple spell stored in a gem, pegasi could be stopped from flying? Come back to cloudesdale and be my marefreind for a year and I'll 'forget' about that weak spot in the clouds and that gems can hold spells. Don't tell anyone about this. I'll give you a month to get here or the first one goes. Show this to anyone and the first one goes. I'll be waiting in the same house as always. See you then.
Love you,
Steel Wing
Rainbow was shocked, that was insane! That was also precisely why he would do it. To protect everypony she had to leave. But on the other hoof she should be loyal and tell her friends. Still he insinuated he would KILL pegsi if she didn't comply. He also said to not tell her friends, so she decided to go. Nopony was getting hurt because she didn't go away for just one year! It may be with a slime ball of a stallion but it was necessary.
Hastily she scribbled a note that read, I'm sorry girls, I need to leave for a while. I can't tell you why or where but I have to go. She quickly left the note at Fluttershys house with her animals, it was time to go.
Rainbow Dash started on her trip to cloudesdale, the place that he had called her to. When she got to the old house that they used to play in as kids, he wasn't there. As Rainbow went to the house to knock on the door it opened to reveal Steel Wing. He is a tall, muscular stallion who usually gets what he wants. His coat is a crimson red except for the steel gray feathers on his wings that shone in the setting sun. His mane is a deep dark blue almost matching his slightly lighter blue eyes. His cutie mark is a steel feather with a sharpened point.
"You got here sooner than I expected dear, I thought it would have taken one death for you to believe me." The stallion stated.
"I'm not excited over the prospect of someone dying over me asshole." Rainbow Dash retorted with venom, "This time next year we will be over and I'll be with my friends again. "
"You will act like a proper marefreind or you know what will happen! Or maybe I'll try something a little worse for you, after all you don't know all that I can do." He responded slyly while beckoning her inside.
As Rainbow Dash entered the house a crowd stared at the area of what just happened, eventually discarding it as a couples squabble. Nopony knew that she may have just saved all their lives. This is how Rainbows secret was born. In an old house on the edge of cloudesdale, with a stalker and empty threats.
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'What's this?' Thought a butter yellow mare with a long rose pink mane and tale, along with a triple butterfly cutie mark as she spotted a letter in her home. There was no mail today other than express deliveries, so why did she get this? It was addressed to all her friends but rainbow. She quickly read the note and said with no small amount of surprise "Oh, my."
She quickly decided to tell her friends but not have them get involved. Even though Rainbow thought she didn't know about the stalker she did, and she figured it was him. He was insane so if they got in the way he would probably kill them all. She would never allow that, she would stop them herself if she had to.
After telling her friends about the letter Fluttershy left town for a while so she didn't accidentally tell anyone else. This was Rainbows secret to keep if she so wishes it. Now to prepare needed for a life with a changed Rainbow, after all, how could this not change them both?
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It was perfect, his pawn got the rainbow pegasus out of the way for the year. He could grow in power and break that pegasuses loyalty, have his pawn make her run and hide. This is the ultimate plan in his opinion. Unlike Discord who was so foalish as to artificially change the elements feelings, for his safety he would simply crush one of them.
Deep underneath Canterlot there was a Rumbling evil laughter that gave each and everypony a shiver of primal fear. "Hahaha. HAHAHA! HAHAHA!Within the year loyalty will die!"
Okay first, it's spelt clouds!, not cloudes. Seriously, use spellcheck or something. And I don't think pegasuses is a proper spelling, try pegasi or pagasus. Pegasusususususususususususususes
Second...why doesn't Dash, I don't know, tell her friends? Y'know, the elements of Harmony, saviours if Equestria, with one of them being a powerful frickin alicorn!! I'm pretty sure they could deal with your insane OC no problem.
5601911 to the first part your comment thank you. To the second part Rainbow Dash charges into things head first! Plus this is based before Twilight comes to ponyville, so there is no powerful alicorn at her side.
awful!!!
5602132 if that is all you have to say please don't read my work. Only post comments like that if it also has constructive criticism.
Hello Luna-tic
a few things you should try to improve:
1. Try to correct these typos. Normally in every story you find 1 or 2 in it, but in this story they are nearly in every sentence, which makes the reading a harder experience than it should, because then you have to reread the whole sentence just to get the context. Ask someone who you know if he can look over it again.
2. The first 2 paragraphs, where you describing derpy and rainbow are unneccessary. Most likely everyone who is on this site will know who they are and know how the look. if your introducing a new pony, its ok, but if its one of the main characters its mostly not neccessary.
3. For future chapters, try not to rush things. The moment when rainbow receives the letter from Steel Wing you could turn it into a inner monologue, where shes fighting with the possibility of telling it her friends or not. It gives a little bit more the feeling of a hard decision insted of "OK, lets go".
Anyway, i like this beginning so far and im interested in how it evolves.
At last sorry for my bad english
if your looking for someone to check it i would be very honored if i could help you with it.
Sincerly,
Theragus
Okay.
It's a good first try, But this need a lot of fixing XD.
5602406 first of all thank you for not only hating in your comment. Secondly I just got a co-author to help me so I always ready have one of those down! I'll send it for him to look at soon and the errors we catch will be fixed. And please point out errors you see be use that would be great help.
5602406 also for point two, thats for people who have not watched the show but do read fan-fiction. the only reason I watched the show at first was because I didn't know what characters looked like.
5601911 i just found out Pegasus's is how you spell it when something belongs to a Pegasus.
5603524 There you go!
This is much better :).
If you need any other help then just ask me and I will do it :D
5603756 thanks, I will.
Do you know what an apostrophe is and what it's for?
5602155 Sorry that was my little sister who read your story Awful is like the only word in her vocabulary
Listen I read your story and it was good but it needs some work It still is different and fresh
5606498 thanks, that means a lot to me. Wrote what I have on an iPad!
5605853 the correct spelling has already been used. Wouldn't you get confused if there were two entirely different stories, with the same name.
5655594
I suggest you run a story search on the phrase "diamond in the rough" and see how many matches you get.
5655600 okaaaaaaay..............
5655603
In other words, there are easily over a dozen stories called that, so two stories that have the same title isn't going to make a difference.
If confusion worries you that badly, you're better off changing your title than punctuating it incorrectly.
5655609 I was using autocorrect fyi.
5655611
That's why good writers always give their work another read-through before clicking "publish".
5655617 I had my co-author do that.