Not The Hero

by alarajrogers

A Minor Setback, an Opportunity, and a Really Annoying Griffin

Testing, testing, three, ninety-seven, pi r square, gorgonzola, is this thing on?

Hahaha! It works! It's live! LIVE!

So you may have noticed that this document has abruptly changed from my lovely and graceful pawwriting to something that looks far more mechanical and less creative. {Editor's Note: No, you won't, because I've recopied the whole thing so it's all in my pawwriting, which is a lot easier to read than Discord's, trust me. –ed} The thought occurred to me that the structure of this document has a certain unfortunate degree of a likelihood of failure built into it. If I cannot write about a conflict I've encountered until after it's over and I've survived it... well, if the worst happens, and I do fall in battle, I won't have any opportunity to explain exactly what defeated me, which strictly speaking ought to be the most important thing I could possibly convey to a potential successor.

Well, I've at least partially solved the problem. Admittedly if I'm strolling along picking poison joke and minding my own business and Anon leaps out of the bushes and slices my head off before I have a chance to react, it's still not going to help. (Dear me, I have such a morbid imagination lately. I need to think happy thoughts! Flying rowboats covered with chocolate crustaceans utterly stuffed with broiled banana pudding laced with jalapeno peppers, marzipan, and antique brass. Mmm. More of a delicious thought than a happy one, per se, but I'll take it.) My solution is more useful for a conflict I see coming, I confess. But at least it's something.

I've etched a magical sigil onto my fang that, when I activate it, takes what I say and converts it to text in the pages of this document. This was not a trivial exercise, believe me; chaos doesn't handle symbolic magic very well, and if I hadn't had such extensive experience with casting spells that convert text to speech and read books to me, I might not have been able to manage it. The sigil's actually quite an attractive accoutrement if I do say so myself; it's etched in gold, and in order to get around the difficulty chaos has with static symbols, it actually changes as I speak, matching the pattern of my voice. I've spared you all the embarrassment of finding yourselves staring as if hypnotized at my gorgeous body art, however, and turned it invisible. Can't have Twilight Sparkle reverse engineering my sigil and figuring out how to eavesdrop on me, after all.

It won't just automatically pick up my speech and start randomly transcribing it; I do have to consciously turn it on. Since I have to compensate for the possibility that I won't have access to my magic, I've made it so that I can turn it on with magic, a paw, my tongue, or my lip; after all, if I don't have access to my tongue or lips, it's not as if I'm going to be able to speak anyway. It does seem to be working remarkably well. Not the best at punctuation, but, well, you may already have recognized that that isn't my strong suit either. {Editor's Note: If you're reading this copy, you won't have seen that because I put the punctuation back in, but Discord generally writes like capitalization and punctuation are optional and maybe just a way of adding emphasis. –ed}

Sadly, I have to confess that this particular revelation was not apropos of nothing. Yes, I've had another narrow escape, and barely avoided becoming draconequus cutlets, once again. Hopefully this will be the last time I need to regale you with the tale of how I dodged death by the barest of margins after it's all already over; admittedly it might not be advisable to try to narrate while I'm fighting for my life, but at the very least it might be helpful to whoever comes after me to know who I was fighting, if I fall.

...Do you have any idea how depressing it is to have to have contingencies for my own destruction? I've never needed such things before; quite aside from the unlikelihood that anything bad should have happened to me, why would I care about what happens after I'm dead or gone? Being turned to stone twice has something to do with why I've changed my philosophy in this regard, I admit. I've had it proven to me both that I can be defeated and that I can be in a position to care about what happens after my defeat. If I'd just planted those vines a day earlier, for instance, they'd have almost certainly sprouted up and attacked the Tree a short while after I was turned to stone, freeing me; the only reason they didn't work is that I was turned to stone the same day I planted them and they had no chance to take hold (I'm guessing. They worked fine in the lab.)

I'd love to have something like that now – a deadpony's switch, a bomb that will go off if I don't keep shutting it down, vines that will actually bother to grow. Anything. Instead I have a document, a noble stallion, and a griffon. Not a lot to pin my hopes on there, and if I actually die then it's not going to do me any good at all even if Anon's defeated. I mean, I'm quite fond of the fantasy of everypony snapping back to their true selves after I'm dead and realizing how I was heroically trying to protect them from Anon and weeping over my grave, but realistically I'm well aware that no such thing will happen. No one mourns the villain, and even if I go down fighting a greater villain, that still doesn't earn me the accolades a hero gets. Only four ponies were ever willing to consider me any kind of hero, and two of them are dead and two of them locked me in stone for a thousand years, so that's that. And what good does it do me to be honored after my death anyway?

It's the desire for revenge that keeps me going, you know. I want Anon to lose. Even if I die, I don't want him to reap the rewards of killing me. He's the one that forced this conflict, he's the one that closed the dimensional gates so I can't run. He's the one who wanted to be a big hero and defeat the Big Bad. There are moments – flickering things, the single pulse of a reverse firefly wiping out the light in my heart for a second or two – when I almost wish I could just give up, when I'm so tired of being afraid all the time that I think about going out in a blaze of glory and letting it end, because frankly we all know that's how it's going to end anyway and my situation is hopeless. I mean, I'm putting all this effort into coming up with an elaborate distraction; none of my plans even come close to a means of actually stopping Anon. All I'm trying to do is distract him, and he still keeps coming dangerously close to killing me. Why am I trying so hard? Why not face reality and just give up?

Well, firstly, because facing reality is something I prefer to avoid at all costs anyway, and secondly, because I'm not going to let him win. Yes, I'm probably going to end up dead. Or in stone. And no one will mourn me, and I'll be forgotten, and he'll continue to parade around being a big hero and warping everything he touches, and no. I refuse to allow that. I can't.

So. Now the odds that I'll be able to tell all of you exactly what brought me down in the moments before my destruction are considerably improved, and hopefully that will make it more likely that one of you ponies will be able to learn from whatever mistake took me out, and actually defeat him.

...Oh, I'm being so morbid! Come now, life is too much fun to waste it moaning and groaning over the thought of impending doom. Particularly now that my immortality has been rendered moot and I might well be looking at a finite span, it's even more important to spend whatever's left to me having fun!

Too bad there is nothing fun on my current agenda. I need to finish writing this, and then... ugh... I have to spar with Gilda. I really don't see the point to this; even without my magic I'm three times her size and I've got all the same claws she does, but she's gotten it into her head that I of all creatures need to learn some fighting techniques that don't rely on magic. I'm only humoring her because she saved my life, if not my dignity.

I am promising myself some fun-time after this, I swear. First I'm going to get revenge on Applejack. Kick the stuffing out of me, will you, Apple Pony? Bet you won't like it when your entire crop turns into balloons and floats off! And then, I'll turn them back into apples... as soon as they're all floating above Rainbow Dash's house while she's sleeping. How are you gonna like them apples, Rainbow? The kind that pelt down on you like delicious missiles and batter your home and your body until you're covered with bruises and your cloud home is peppered with more holes than Swiss cheese? Then just for good measure, I'll make it so that the moment a pony touches them, they explode into super-thick gooey ooze. No, I'm not the sort to send a pony to the glue factory, but I will be more than happy to bring the glue to the ponies.

Or I'll come up with something completely different, because planning too much in advance is a thing I prefer to avoid.

In any case, I suppose I need to tell you all about my humiliating experience du jour. I do so dearly hope this is the last time I have to slink home with my tail between my legs to write about how something terrible happened to me. Next time at the very least I'll be able to avoid the whole slinking home first part.

---

It seems to surprise many ponies that the areas directly north and northwest of Manehattan are major apple-growing territories, all up and down the Hoofson River. It really shouldn't, though; there's a reason why Manehattan is sometimes referred to as the Big Apple.

The Hoofson runs down from the northernmost reaches of Equestria (and the territories beyond), down through the Catbird Mountains (named for the small number of griffins living around there, immigrants from the Griffin Empire who came by water directly to Equestria, probably because Griffonstone was a collection of ruins and hovels by then, or who sailed down the Hoofson from Griffonstone because who would want to stay in Griffonstone?), all the way to Manehattan, and for most of that territory, it's farmland and small towns. Most of the towns in the Hoofson River Valley are essentially Ponyville without the Everfree. Bucolic little pony paradises, full of inbred, hidebound idiots who would likely panic and faint at a bunny stampede (after all, if they do it in Ponyville, which has to deal with creatures from the Everfree every so often, what chance do the ones that never have to deal with anything more horrifying than an industrial magical potion spill into the river? Admittedly nopony could fish in the Hoofson for twenty years until they cleaned that up, but then, ninety percent of ponies don't fish. One does have to wonder what the griffins in the Catbird Mountains ate during that time, though.)

Sandwiched in between the city of Ponypsie, the town of Newtown on the other side of the river, and the exceedingly small hamlet Coltspring, is a little place the locals like to call River City, mostly because that's its name on the map. Some years ago, a grifter moved into River City to scam the population into giving him money to set up a marching band, in order to combat the dangers of ponies playing pool. I am not making this up. For some reason the locals didn't run him out of town when they discovered the whole thing was a scam, and somehow he ended up actually responsible for a marching band, and getting married, like a parody of a respectable citizen. Two generations later his grandsons are continuing the family business, grifting their way into town to try to sell elaborate contraptions that usually don't work, but when they're not on the road running from their latest victims or running toward their future victims, Flim and Flam can usually be found at their family home in River City, hard at work inventing their new get-rich-quick scheme.

Most of these revolve around apples. Now me personally, if I wanted to come up with a get-rich-quick scheme, I might, I don't know, focus on something ponies perceive as rare and valuable, not something as utterly ubiquitous as apples. Heck, even old Granddad Con Hill picked on musical instruments, generally worth slightly more by nature than apples are. But River City, like the entire Hoofson River Valley, grows apples, and apparently this led to the two youngsters imprinting on apples as their destiny, or something. I'd have thought they'd have cutie marks related to inventing, or to running away from mobs with pitchforks, but then I never pretended to understand ponies' silly cutie mark system.

Their workshop was orderly. Very, very orderly. Every tool, every bolt, every screw put away neatly in bins and labeled with a picture and writing describing exactly what it was. Multiple clockwork-powered contraptions that weren't nearly Ruby Gold enough to justify their existence. A machine shop where the brothers made new parts for their new ideas, carefully shearing metal to millimeter specifications. Drafting tables, covered with neatly stacked gigantic pieces of grid-lined paper on which were carefully drawn blueprints. Oh, the headache I was getting just being near the place. Also, the unbearable itch in my claws to do something to disrupt all that order. What would happen if I moved one of those gears out of alignment by just the teeniest, tiniest...

No. I forcefully restrained myself (I actually wrapped myself in a straitjacket and zipped it, which didn't unfortunately keep my tail from preparing to snap, so I grabbed that and stuffed it in my mouth. Which was oddly soothing. I haven't sucked my tail on a regular basis since shortly after my mother died, which was a very very very very long time ago, but given the stress I've been under and what a bad idea it is to let myself get drunk too often, maybe I should do it more often.) If I ruined their workshop, they'd be distracted from the message I wanted to convey to them, plus they'd probably be in a bad mood and say "no". But I couldn't very well waltz into that workshop and enter negotiations under these conditions; I'd be keeling over with a migraine within minutes. (Just joking. I never actually fall over when I have migraines. I do, however, sometimes start randomly generating uncontrollable chaos, uncontrollable meaning that I can't stop myself, and I find this unnerving. I much prefer to be creating chaos because I decided, what this place really needs is some chaos, not because it starts leaking out of me without my consent.)

So I decided to send them a singing telegram instead.

I made three ponies, a unicorn, a pegasus, and an earth pony, in red, blue and yellow, with shaggy manes and beards in black, green and purple respectively, wearing cowboy outfits and carrying fiddles. Then I had the unicorn one knock on the workshop door.

Inside, one of the brothers – I can never keep straight which is which, so let's call them Mustache and No-Mustache, and this one was Mustache – said, "I say, brother mine, who could be knocking at this hour?" (Did I mention it was the middle of the night? I'm so bad at keeping track of time. But really, how could anyone possibly be good at it? It's so boring. The sun goes from east to west! Every day! Then the moon follows it! Seriously, could Celestia and Luna ever change it up a bit?)

"I wonder that as well, dear brother. Cover me, if you would?"

"With pleasure."

Mustache lit his horn and positioned himself so he had a clear line-of-sight to whoever was on the other side of the doors, and No-Mustache stood just out of that line of fire as he used his telekinesis to open the door. I wasn't impressed, precisely; it takes more than a bit of demonstrated combat awareness to impress me, but I was satisfied. These two were at least not completely incompetent when it came to the arts of self-protection. "Good evening, gentlecolts! What can the Flim Flam Brothers do for you on this fine night?" No-Mustache said.

My barbershop triplet sang their response.

"We've heard you like to deal
We've heard you have some style
We've got one that's a steal
Just come visit a while
Come on down to Everfree
We think you'll find it quite ideal
If interested you might be
In how to make
Your wildest dreams
Of fame and riches
Real"

"An interesting proposition," No-Mustache said. "Flam, wouldn't you agree?"

"Absolutely, dear Flim. A very interesting proposition. But I do have to note the complete lack of any information about what sort of deal this might be."

"Agreed! A simple promise of fame and riches in exchange for a trip to the Everfree... to meet with who, exactly?"

"You see, we're very interested in fame and riches, but before we undertake such a trip, we'd need to know who we're negotiating with."

"Who's offering to back us?"

"It does make a difference, after all."

"And we wouldn't want to waste your boss' time if it's obvious we can't deal."

I had my ponies look at each other, shrug, and start singing again. This time, instead of staying in one place, I had them dance about. The brothers hadn't let them inside the workshop yet, so I couldn't have them circle the brothers as they sang, but they took positions to the left, right and directly in front of the two unicorns, and then danced about and switched positions as they sang and played their fiddles.

"We can't give you our patron's name
But there's something that he shares with you
Somepony cheated at a game
Although she's famed for being true
We hear you've had a sim'lar fate
Perhaps a little payback's due?
Don't you agree that it'd be great
If sweet li'l
Honest
Applejack
Paid back for what she did to you?"

"Well, color me intrigued, dear brother," Mustache, who I guess was really named Flam, said. "An opportunity for wealth, and for revenge on Applejack? It almost sounds too good to be true."

"It does indeed, dear brother," Flim, or so I assume, said. "And of course you know what they say about things that are too good to be true."

"Indeed! That they hardly ever are." He laughed. "Unless we're the ones selling them, of course!"

"You took the words right out of my mouth, Flam!"

I was beginning to think that it was a wonder they weren't speaking in word salad, given that they seemed to be thieving words from each other on a near-constant basis.

"You'll never know unless you try
And come on down to see
Will you really let this chance go by?
Are those the ponies you want to be?"

My ponies were getting in Flim and Flam's faces, being just slightly aggressive as they went in for the hard sell. The brothers recoiled and backed away, which allowed my singing triad to get into the workshop and circle behind Flim and Flam, making the two stand flank to flank reversed, facing outward to both sides, heads and eyes flicking back and forth as they followed my dancing, singing telegram ponies.

"At Rambling Ridge, Tall Cedar Falls,
If you should choose to go this week
Our patron will explain it all
If you'll just listen to him speak
Or you can let this moment pass
Remain inside your family home
If talk of riches seems too crass
Or it seems too dangerous to roam."

"I say! There's no call for such insults," Flim said.

"Quite right, brother mine! No one impugns the courage or the tenacity of the Flim Flam Brothers!"

"Why, to fulfill our dreams, we've faced down angry mobs!"

"Swarms of bees!"

"Timberwolves!"

"Royal Guards!"

"Gaggles of geese!"

"A bugbear!"

"And as little as we appreciate this transparent attempt to manipulate us—"

"—As if we'd go somewhere simply because you implied that we were cowards who would let the opportunity pass if we didn't—"

"—the fact remains that your offer is enticing—"

"Always assuming that any part of it is true—"

"And so we will be coming to visit your patron, mark our words!"

"But if this proves to be a waste of our time, he will most certainly regret it."

"I couldn't have said it better myself, dear Flam."

"Then brothers, we bid you adieu!
We're looking forward to seeing you!"

I had the unicorn take off his hat and bow to them, then toss it on the ground. The earth pony jumped into it and vanished, the pegasus made a flying leap, somersaulted in the sky, and dived into the hat, and then the unicorn picked it back up, tipped it to them, and set it on his head, where it promptly fell to the ground as he was slurped up into it.

Flim picked it up in his magic, tentatively, as if fearing it would explode. Ha! As if I would ever be so predictable! I had it stretch sideways until it was hardly more than a line in the air, then rebound elastically, springing into a single point, which then turned into a bird and flew off, tweeting the same tune my ponies had been singing.

Flim and Flam looked at each other in utter bemusement. "Well, brother, that was... a thing that happened," Flim said.

"My feelings exactly," Flam said. "Are we really going to go? Everything about this seems like a setup."

"Indeed it does." By themselves, I observed that the brothers didn't speak quite as quickly, or chime in on each other quite as much. Some of that was a stage persona, it seemed. "But what choice do we have? With our losses from the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, and the reputation of the debacle in Ponyville—"

"Oh brother, you know we're both well aware of our financial situation," Flam said. "Still, safety first."

"Why lure us into a trap? If Applejack or her friends are behind this... they have the ear of the very Princess herself. They can find out where we live."

"True enough, true enough. So what's the motive here?"

"My guess?" Flim said. "Applejack or all of the Elements of Harmony have made an enemy, who wants to exploit our special talents against what could be presumed to be a common enemy."

"Of course, and then betray us or cast us aside as soon as they have what they want."

"So I'm sure you're thinking what I'm thinking."

Flam grinned. "If 'take the opportunity and then run for it with the earnings before our patron betrays us' was coming to mind..."

"That was exactly it," Flim said, grinning back. "As always, brother, you and I are on the same page!"

I left at that point. The sheer harmony between the brothers was turning my stomach. If it wasn't for their plan to try to backstab me before I got to do it to them, before they'd even met me or heard my spiel, I might have had second thoughts about using them, with all that harmony in their interactions with each other. But their suspicion, cynicism and willingness to play dirty was disharmonious enough to the rest of the world that I still thought they could probably work. And who'd think I of all beings would use a harmonious pair to wield one of my Elements of Disharmony?

---

It was two days before they actually showed up.

As you've probably guessed – or as you actually know, if you're reading this document in the place where I probably left it – the Grotto of Disharmony (and the, and here I wince, Eyrie of Awesomeness – I'm fairly sure that you can figure out for yourself who made up that name) is near Tall Cedar Falls in the Rambling Ridge, which runs through the northeastern part of the Everfree Forest. I placed eyes and ears all over Tall Cedar Falls so I'd be alerted when they showed up (ponies might have wondered why potatoes were growing on trees or why there was so much corn abounding in a region that's too mountainous to grow corn, but ponies avoid the Everfree whenever they can.) I told Gilda what I was planning, and that she needed to stay out of my mane for the moment – Bearers don't tend to get along well with each other, and I didn't need her screwing things up with the brothers. She groused at that but opined that she didn't want to involve herself in my negotiations with a nerdy pair of dweeb unicorns anyway. And then, while I was waiting, I snuck into Ponyville to taunt the Bearers and Anon.

I avoided any personal confrontations this time. I just amused myself by animating their possessions to stroll away. Or tried to stir up trouble by swapping possessions. I gave Spike Rarity's entire stash of gems in a basket with a note on it that said "For Spikey-Wikey", and he fell for it, believing that Rarity had somehow overcome Anon's influence and remembered her affections for him. The result was not pretty, when Rarity found out everything she'd set aside for her winter line was in Spike's belly. I kept moving pieces of Applejack's farm equipment, making her paranoid and certain that either Apple Bloom had lied to her about taking the stuff, or they had a thieving prankster of some kind in Ponyville. Fortunately but sadly, she never thought of me. I guess the prank was too simple for her to guess I was behind it. She blamed Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie a lot. I got Pinkie in trouble by swapping her ingredients, so baking powder was replaced with yeast, sugar was replaced with baking soda, bread flour replaced with cake flour, and so on, producing glorious culinary disasters for a couple of days. I made several clouds Rainbow was sleeping on evaporate while she was on them. And I reshelved Twilight's books. Not all of them, but enough to make her pull out her mane with frustration. Oh, the heights of rage Twilight Sparkle can climb to when she can't find the book she wants! This didn't do Spike any favors either, of course, but frankly if I tricked Twilight and Rarity into harassing him to the point where he stomped off and went back to Canterlot, I'd be doing him a huge favor.

It had been a while since I'd played such simple, understated pranks, but it was fun. It felt like a challenge I'd been missing from my life. When you can create the most spectacular of effects with a snap, it's easy to forget how sometimes the little things can generate the most splendid of havoc. After all, anypony who knows me is likely to suspect my hoof in it if ponyquins start talking or trees run away, but when they simply can't find their favorite set of scissors or that book they know they filed away yesterday... well, that's not chaotic enough to be blamed on little old me, is it? Most likely it's the ponies closer to hoof. And thus sweet, sweet disharmony is created as those who supposedly love one another set to arguing. The one with Twilight was successful beyond any hopes I'd had, as she was outraged enough to actually yell at Anon. Yes! O frabjous day! Of course, they made up half an hour later, which was significantly less entertaining and put me in a bit of a mood, but hey, I got through Anon's "everything's-about-me" armor by just the tiniest crack and allowed Twilight a fraction of a moment to be herself and not his puppet. Also, they both decided to resolve the situation by blaming Spike, which was both hilarious and sad.

In any case, the fun and games ended when the Flim Flam Brothers showed up in the late afternoon, riding on... I have to admit I stared a bit. They had modified a double bicycle so that it had an engine in the back, running on a small steam boiler fueled by coal and unicorn magic, and two extra stabilizing wheels sticking out the back where the engine was, supporting the engine and keeping the entire contraption from falling over... mostly. It was going a good bit faster than anypony but a pegasus adding wingpower, or maybe the earth pony bike racer Lance Hoofstrong, could probably have managed. Instead of pedaling, they were just sitting on the seats, Flim holding onto handlebars and steering, Flam in a swiveling bucket seat that allowed him to turn around and attend to the engine every so often, but which he seemed to have a hard time balancing in.

I like technology. I don't like the orderliness of the conditions required to create it, but I like it because it's leveling. A magical spell requires a unicorn to put in years of study to become an accomplished mage, and for some unicorn to have tested the spell and written it down, and for the unicorn casting it to study it. A piece of technology often merely requires a few days of training, or reading a manual. And when a power akin to magic can be shared around to far, far more ponies than there are unicorn mages... oh, you can get some glorious chaos then. I still get shivers up my spine when I think about the wonderful, wonderful streets that run throughout the human world's equivalent of Manehattan, and the screeching, honking, cacophonous chaos of the self-pulling carriage machines they call "cars" navigating through tangled webs of others of their kind. Our Manehattan has its share of traffic jams and shouting ponies, but nothing like the human world's got. If this was the sort of thing Flim and Flam built in their spare time, I had to upgrade my opinion of them from "crappy inventors and con men" to "inspiredly crappy inventors and con men". Their self-powered double bicycle was deeply silly-looking, and this is coming from me, but it was the sort of technology that had the potential to spread and cause wonderful chaos. Maybe they'd be better for my plans if I didn't use them against Anon, if I just let them go do their thing and create things that would make Equestria a far less predictable place.

But no. I couldn't do that, sadly. No matter how much chaos was stirred up within Equestria, it wouldn't give me enough to fight Anon unless it was at the level of a war or a revolution, and the invention of a motor-assisted bicycle wasn't going to do anything like that. Anon had to be taken out of the picture or I'd never be safe and neither would Equestria.

The place I'd invited them to was a small clearing within the forest, on the banks of Pine River, which would be more accurately called Pine Creek if it wasn't for the fact that it went over Tall Cedar Rock to create the aforementioned Falls, and was quite deep and turbulent right here. I waited until the brothers had dismounted and looked around themselves a bit. "Do you think we've got the wrong place, brother?" Flim said.

"Surely not," Flam replied, checking the map. "Tall Cedar Falls, in the Rambling Rock Ridge. This is exactly the place we were told to be. Though a week is a rather long range for a rendezvous appointment."

"Quite! Perhaps our mysterious host simply isn't aware of our arrival."

"Or perhaps I simply wanted to make a dramatic entrance," I said, popping in. To the brothers' credit, widened eyes, stepping back a hoof or two, and short gasps were the most reaction they gave me – no screaming, no running away, no threats or attacks. Good, these were ponies I could negotiate with. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a stallion of wealth and taste." You see, that's funny because it's a reference to a song from the human world, which is supposedly sung by their legendary embodiment of all evil, though actually it's sung by a human man with big lips who was pretending the song was being sung by the embodiment of evil, and... you know what, forget it. You had to be there.

They laughed nervously. "Well, we can certainly appreciate a fellow with those traits, can't we, brother?" Flim said.

"Indeed, brother! But, and I mean no disrespect sir, I do believe you have misspoken slightly by calling yourself a 'stallion.'"

"Not that my brother is impugning your masculinity in the slightest!"

"Not at all, that is correct! I'm sure you are a very masculine specimen of... whatever you are."

"My brother merely means to say that, in short, you are not a pony," Flim said, shooting glares at his brother, who was too busy gawking at my magnificent form to notice. "If it would be proper for us to ask, might we inquire what you are?"

I folded my arms and gave them my most haughty offended look, making them both scramble backward again. I wasn't actually offended at all, but this was just too funny not to play along with. "Oh, so my species, my race if you will, is more important to you than my name, or the purpose for which I've invited you here?" I said, deliberately mocking the formality level of their speech.

"Oh, no, not at all!" Flim said frantically.

"It was never our intent to give offense," Flam said, apparently finally realizing that a lesser draconequus than myself could have potentially taken offense to his statements earlier. After all, if I say that male draconequui are called stallions, the way that the caribou refer to their females as "cows" even though they're not bovines at all, who would they be to tell me that's not correct? I do believe I'm the world's premier authority on draconequui, after all. "Simply a matter of idle curiosity, that's all! Your appearance is most... exotic, sir. Truly, I've never met somepony so unique. Have we, brother?"

"Definitely not," Flim agreed. "Forgive us our amazement, if you would; we're perfectly prepared to be professional, now. As I'm sure you know, we're the Flim Flam Brothers. He's Flam—"

"And he's Flim—"

"And if you are the gracious host who's invited us, then if you'd kindly tell us your name and what sort of opportunity you're suggesting, we're ready to get down to business!"

"Because if you're looking for ponies with inventive, entrepreneurial spirits—"

"—Creativity—"

"—Talent and skill—"

"—And a good bit of experience in the art of salesponyship—"

"—Well, then, the Flim Flam Brothers are the ponies you've been looking for!" They both took off their hats at the same time.

I have to admit I was getting just a little bit cross. I'm not used to ponies not allowing me to get a word in edgewise. I'm supposed to be the one putting on the show, not the one watching as two stallions do a song-and-dance routine in front of me. Not that they had gotten to that yet, but I could see it coming. "I knew all that already," I said a bit snappishly.

"Well, of course you did!"

"Obviously! Why else would you have extended us your generous invitation?"

"Clearly you can see that we—"

"Talk too much," I said, snapping my talon and making both their mouths disappear. Their expressions went from anxious and excited to horrified. "Oh, don't look at me like that, I'll give them back. I'd just like to get in a few words of my own, if I may." I paused to give them a chance to object, but since both of their mouths were still sitting in my paw, neither of them had anything to say.

"To begin with. I am Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony, and for the record, I am a draconequus, yes, not a pony, very observant of you boys." I let them see my teeth when I smiled. They cringed. "I do indeed have an offer for you, involving joint action against a mutual enemy and her pals, and as a side effect the ability to make yourselves wealthy beyond anything you ever truly believed you could achieve, though I imagine your wilder fantasies might have touched on the subject." I snapped again, restoring their mouths. "Now, can we discuss matters like civilized businessfolks, and not have the two of you breaking into song every three minutes or whatever it is you do?"

"Your offer certainly sounds generous," Flim said.

"Most generous," Flam said. "But I do wonder. We've heard of you and your magical prowess, of course—"

"—Of how you turned Ponyville into your personal playground of chaos—"

"—Captured Princess Luna and held her prisoner for weeks—"

"—And of course we remember the day you moved the sun and the moon at your personal whim."

"Very impressive magic," Flam added. "So I must wonder, what use would two lowly inventors and businessponies have to you?"

"It's not that we're not intrigued."

"Of course, of course! It's a fascinating offer!"

"But my brother makes a good point. With all the power at your disposal, why would you need us?"

I floated above their heads, making them crane upward. "What do you know about the Elements of Harmony?"

"Well, Applejack is one of them," Flam said.

"And the ponies that assisted her—"

"Which was base cheating, you understand, the rules had allowed for family members only—"

"If I recall correctly there were five, weren't there, brother mine?"

"Aside from Applejack? Quite right, dear brother! So six, in total."

"Very good!" I clapped. "You can both count to six! Have a cookie." I materialized chocolate chip cookies (with hot pepper and garlic to spice them up) in front of the two.

They glanced at each other. "I'm sure they're delicious, but Flam and I just ate," Flim said.

"We partake on the road. It's an old habit."

I clapped once and made the cookies go away. "As it happens, you don't deserve those cookies after all," I said. "Because there are seven, now. An interloper from an alien world, a creature called a human who calls himself Anon, has entered the picture, and he has a seventh Element of Harmony." I couldn't quite keep from rolling my eyes. "The six original Elements of Harmony, when used in concert against me, have the power to turn me to stone." This was public knowledge; everypony in Ponyville knew it, at least, so it wasn't as if I was revealing a weakness they couldn't have found out about anyway. The next thing I said made me considerably more anxious, though I believe I hid it quite well. "But the Seventh Element of Harmony has the power to disrupt my magic." No, I wasn't going to tell the ponies who'd already admitted to each other that they planned to backstab me first chance they got that Anon's stupid sword could kill me.

"Oh, dear!"

"A dire predicament indeed!"

"I can certainly see why you'd want help with that!"

"But why help from my brother and me? We're great inventors, it's true—"

"And talented salesponies—"

"But we're not fighters, per se," Flam finished.

"I don't need—"

I was about to say that I needed distractions, not fighters. And then I would have explained about the Element of Greed, and offered it to the brothers, and after I explained to them how it would aid in the getting and keeping of filthy lucre, they would be delighted and eager to join me, and then I would have bonded it to them and marked the day a big success. But that is not what happened, because at this point, Anon, Applejack and Rainbow Dash came charging out of the forest, followed by Rarity and Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash reached me first, almost before I had time to realize I was under attack, which was probably the main reason why she was able to bodyslam me to the ground. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Applejack chasing the Flim Flam brothers, who were running off, abandoning their motor bicycle. I didn't have time to pay a lot of attention to that, though, because Anon was charging at me, sword drawn.

As usual, I didn't have the presence of mind to teleport myself, but at least this time I thought of teleporting a weapon... such as it was. I summoned a tree branch, a fairly sizable one with a heavy, thick body and lots and lots of smaller branches extending outward like gnarled fingers, if gnarled fingers were covered with leaves. Anon swung at me, I blocked with the tree branch, and while the sword went straight through the branch and sliced it in two, it was slowed enough by the impact that instead of gashing me open it just nicked me. However, being nicked by the Element of Protection had never been a walk in the park for me either; immediately my magic turned unusable.

I didn't notice this at the time, of course, but now that I've undergone this particular issue twice – three times if you count the magical disruption I suffered when my tail was cut off, though as I've said I remember that more in snapshots – I have figured some things out about it. I described it the first time it happened as "disrupting" my powers, which sounds vaguely like you just disordered chaos, which is a paradox and not a particularly entertaining one at that. But now that it's happened again, I think it's more like – well, imagine that everything is made of strings. And the strings are trailing off into the ether all willy-nilly, but I can reach out and pluck the string right at the place where it comes off the object I'm trying to modify, so it doesn't really matter. When the Element of Protecting Absolutely Nothing From Anything hits me, it's as if I'm trapped in a mesh, and many of the strings can't even extrude through the mesh, and those that can could be coming from practically anywhere. It's as if some sort of filter has been dropped on me, some sort of constraint structure that has nothing whatsoever to do with the ways my powers work and therefore works counter to them has been placed on my power. When I was frantic and terrified because the power of harmony was burning me alive, I managed to pull the right strings, or muster up the panicked strength to tear enough of the mesh that I could access some power, but without that impetus, even being afraid for my life isn't enough to let me reliably do anything. As long as I'm more frightened of the consequence of utterly random magic that might do literally anything, and therefore is highly unlikely to be useful and might actually aid my enemies or destroy me, than I am of my enemies' attacks, I can't really use magic after Anon's hit me with that thing until the effect wears off.

Without my magic, I was a sitting duck. Frantically I grabbed the fallen part of the tree, the part with branches. As Anon swung at me again, I blocked with the thick piece of tree, which was still held in my lion paw. And then I followed up with a sweep with the branches. Anon was overextended and the branches, though a lot less capable of causing unconsciousness or death than the big thick piece now missing from their base had been, were a lot more capable of causing massive irritation and recoiling. With twigs thwapping him in the face, Anon recoiled, lost his grip on the sword, and the branches grabbed it. As soon as I realized what I had, I wasted no time; I pivoted, swinging, and flung the sword into the river.

"Oh, shit!" Anon screamed. "You'll pay for that, Discord!"

I grinned and was about to say something witty when Rainbow kicked me in the head again. By now I was getting very, very irritated with this. Also a trifle dazed, because without my magic it hurts quite a lot to be kicked in the head. I lunged at her – only to be caught in the side by a buck from Applejack.

In the meantime, the Flim Flam Brothers had fled, quickly enough that Applejack had lost them, which was why she was now helping Rainbow whale on me, and Anon, Pinkie and Rarity were trying to recover the lost sword. Which was probably hilarious. From the audio recordings I got from the Panauricon, later, it was a comedy in which Rarity, who can sense gems but couldn't grasp the thing strongly enough with her telekinesis, given that there was basically a waterfall on top of it, trying to guide Anon and Pinkie to finding it. Except she wasn't willing to get in the water, and they were, but couldn't hear her underwater – or all that well above water, either, since waterfalls are loud. All I picked up at the time, though, was that they were off trying to recover the weapon that could kill me, and if I didn't pull myself together and get out of here before they found it, that was probably exactly what was going to happen. Unfortunately for me, I had two ponies who had nothing better to do than beat me up preventing me from getting any significant distance in any direction, since whatever way I ran or I twisted, they kicked me back the way I'd come from.

Let it not be said that I didn't fight back. You'd have thought that would have done more good. I'm three times bigger than a pony, I have claws, I have sharp teeth, yadda yadda. Problem is, without magic, you can't have every kind of physical advantage at once, because physics is annoying like that. I'm extremely flexible, with cartilaginous bones throughout most of my skeleton, and highly compressible, which has served me well while trying to squeeze out of the grasp of, say, a sea serpent who's trying to constrict me to death. But flexible, cartilaginous bones ending in claws, or even ending in a fist, don't hit nearly as hard as strong, solid pony bones ending in a hoof. Most of my strength is in my body and my tail, and I admit, boa constrictors have nothing on me; if I'd been able to grab either Applejack or Rainbow, the fight would have been over. But see, ponies can use their extremities to hit with, and channel all their strength through. I've got a lot of extremities, but while they can all do some damage, my real strength is located in my body, and bodies, without magic, can't be moved into position to grab an opponent nearly as fast as extremities can. And these two ponies were particularly fast. I'd lash my tail at Applejack, but she'd do a barrel roll to get out of the way, jump up and buck me in the ribs, while meanwhile Rainbow Dash was divebombing my neck again.

So I writhed, and I thrashed, and I slashed at them with claws, and even tried to bite them because seriously, pain and I don't get along all that well, while meanwhile they broke most of my ribs, my antler, my feathered wing, my goat leg, and cracked my horn and probably my head. I'm pretty sure I landed a few good slashes on Applejack, because I saw blood on her flank, and I think I did manage to hit Rainbow Dash with my tail once, but only once. I was dizzy, and the pain just kept getting worse and worse as they kept pummeling me, and eventually I stopped fighting back and just started struggling to reach the river, because if I could just get into the water I could use the current to help me get away. I have gills, ponies don't, and even though Anon and Pinkie were apparently able to swim, nothing but an actual water serpent can outswim a draconequus under water.

And then I heard a familiar harsh voice. "Hey, dweeboids! Why don'tcha pick on someone your own size?"

Gilda tells me a tale of how she heroically dive-bombed my assailants to save my life, how Rainbow Dash was too slow to intercept her as she plowed into Applejack and slashed her up good with foot claws, how when Rainbow did slam into her Gilda gave her a good beak to the ear and raked her side with talons. I have for myself noted the large assortment of bruises Gilda is sporting, and the black eye, and a couple of broken talon fingers, so I strongly suspect the fight was not nearly as one-sided as Gilda tries to make it sound. However, I have to admit I was beyond noticing at the time. I knew Gilda was fighting my attackers, drawing their attention, but I had no awareness of how the fight was going; all I knew was that I needed to get to the river, fast, while the ponies were distracted. This wasn't easy with a broken leg, or broken ribs, but I had three other legs that hurt a lot but weren't broken, so I managed it.

Once I was in the water, the chaos and turbulence of the water, generated by the falls churning just a short distance away from me, restored me. I was carried with the current for some distance, at first because I was too weak to fight it and then, as my magic returned, because it was too much fun to let it pull me whatever way it would. I was halfway to Dodge City by river by the time I decided, somewhat reluctantly, that I'd had a long enough bath; the river had widened to the point where it wasn't nearly so chaotic anymore, and the current wasn't as fast. With my magic restored and my body healed, I teleported back home. As an afterthought, because it occurred to me that she'd be less helpful to me in the future if I let Applejack and Rainbow Dash beat her as badly as they beat me, I summoned Gilda as well.

Gilda complained quite a bit about her rescue. "I could've taken 'em! Those dweebs were goin' down! They barely knew what hit 'em!"

"I'm sure," I said dryly, making pointed looks at her various bruises. "Why, I'm sure you could single-pawedly take down the entire Equestrian Royal Guard."

Gilda scowled at me. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"Guess."

She flopped into a chair that was made of furry, purring cushions held up by four very large stickbugs. "You could say thank you any minute now, you know."

"Thank you, Gilda," I caroled, in the same tone of voice small children use when saying, "Good morning, Miss Feebleminded Babyjailer!" or whatever their teacher's name is. "How did you know to look for me anyway? Were you following me?" I pressed my paws to my chest and made big eyes. "Oh, Gilda! I had no idea you felt that way about me!"

"That you didn't deserve to get your ass handed to you? Maybe I'm reconsiderin' that," she said. "I was trying to figure out how to work those eyes you gave me, so I went into the room with all the noise, 'cause I knew that's where you keep your own spy equipment stuff, so maybe mine was in there too."

"The Panauricon?" It was a wonder she hadn't deafened herself. "I told you where your eyes feed into. It's that box in your quarters with the glass side on it, the one I called a TV, remember?"

Gilda shrugged. "Sue me for not being an egghead. I forgot. Anyway, I heard Dash's voice in that mess, and when I listened close, I heard that squealing little pig who threw that crap party and kept getting in between me and Dash, 'cause it ain't like I'm ever gonna forget her voice. And then I heard you. Screaming."

"I'm fairly sure I wasn't screaming."

"Yeah? How do you figure I heard your voice in all that crap, then? It sounds like a hoofball stadium in there."

"Not a baseball stadium?"

"Naah, it's obviously ponies and not griffins. Not enough screeching and cawing." I might have mentioned before that baseball is a game primarily played by creatures with opposable thumbs – so griffins and minotaurs mostly, though I've seen teenage dragons play a pick-up game using a whelp of their own kind as a ball. Ponies can play, and some do, and when my former apprentice in the ways of chaos went insane, tried to destroy the world, and then reverted to a childlike persona, she took up playing and actually got a cutie mark in it. (She's had three in her lifetime. It's not the cutie pox, it's chaos. Don't ask.) But it's not nearly as popular a game among creatures that don't easily stand on two legs and can't easily grasp a bat. It's amazing what ponies can do with their hooves, but given a pony holding a bat with hoof magic and a griffin holding a bat with claws, the griffin's got a better grip, better control, and will probably win every time. Hoofball, on the other hand, is a pony sport if there was ever a pony sport.

"Well, I wasn't screaming. I might have been shouting. You know, in anger. War cries and the like."

"Dude, you were screaming. I heard one or two nice cuss words in there too. What are fewmets?"

"Dragon droppings. Fine, so you heard me cursing at my attackers, loudly."

"So I figure, generally I'd expect you to take care of yourself, but you were screaming and cursing awfully loud for someone taking care of themself, so I figured I'd check it out. And soon as I got outside the caves and into the air, I heard it. You're lucky you were so close by; I'da thought you'd be in Ponyville."

"No." I curled up on the floor with my upper body upright, folded my arms tightly, and did not sulk. "I scheduled the meeting for right here precisely to prevent what just happened. How did they even know? Are they spying on me?" The thought occurred to me then that Twilight Sparkle hadn't been there. What had she been doing? "I'll bet you they are! I'll bet Twilight has a scrying spell set up to watch me!"

"Then wouldn't they know where you live?"

"Okay, maybe to watch the Flim Flam Brothers, then."

"Maybe, but today she's in Canterlot. Dunno why, her princess said show up so she did."

"Hmm." I decided to find out from Blueblood what Celestia's business with Twilight was. Maybe it was simply for a relaxing catch-up and tea party, but I doubted it. "And I suppose they left Fluttershy out because the plan involved violence."

"So. How come they were clobbering you like that?"

I glared at her. "Did you fail to notice that they're my enemies?"

"Really, 'cause I thought you were best buds with them," Gilda said, proving that her intellect is slightly superior to the dullards she'd lived with in Griffonstone, because she's actually capable of recognizing and of employing sarcasm. "I actually meant how come you were losing. You've got all that weird magic, I wouldn't've thought two ponies would be able to take you down."

"They wouldn't. Normally." I sighed. "It's that damn sword. When Anon actually manages to cut me with it, even if it's just a nick, it disrupts my magic. I can handle that when it's just Anon – I beat him off with a stick. Literally." I snickered. "I smacked the sword out of his hands with a tree branch and threw it in the river, and I'd have done him some serious damage as my next move if it weren't for Rainbow Dash kicking me in the head." My head didn't hurt anymore, but I rubbed it anyway. "She has some hooves on her, I can tell you."

"Isn't like she got less awesome fighting just because she betrayed me and acted like a total cloc," Gilda said distantly, staring at a random location in the cave. "But, I mean, you know. You're like practically a dragon! Small for a dragon, yeah, but still. You're bigger than anygriff I've ever met; you're bigger than any minotaur I've ever met. Well, taller anyway. They got a lot more going on in the pecs than you do, generally."

"It's not exactly as if I've had time to work out," I snapped at her.

"Shit, dude, I'd have thought you could take a minotaur, though. I've seen some of those poses you twist into. Unless you're doing that all with magic, your abs have got to be, like, godly awesome."

"Of course," I said, smirking at her. "I am a god, remember?"

Gilda rolled her eyes. "I mean without your magic. You're taller than anything I've ever seen except a real dragon, and you're at least as wide as a mare or a hen griff, and you've got a foot for a hand so there's all that backleg power in your foreleg, and one of your real feet is a dragon's. Or at least a really big lizard with really sharp toe claws."

"It's a dragon leg, yes." Technically, my lion arm is a lion foreleg, not a lion backleg like griffins have, which just proves that Gilda doesn't know what she's talking about. I'll admit that that arm is very, very strong, though. Not a match in punching damage to what a pony leg can do, but in a foreleg wrestling match with a pony I'll win hooves down. (Hah! Their hooves! You see what I did there?)

"So how the flying clochole do you lose to two mares? I mean, shit, I know Dash can hit like a train, and I figure that earth pony bitch she was teamed up with probably makes a mule look like a granny in a walker, but still!"

So I attempted to explain what I talked about above, as to why the structure of my body isn't actually ideal for fighting back against two ponies tag-teaming me (although I'd still be amazing against a human if neither of us had weapons, because humans are not nearly as fast as ponies and don't hit nearly as hard. The human advantage is in the opposable thumbs giving them much better control over most kinds of weapons, an advantage I share.) Gilda laughed at me.

"You're so full of shit," she said, chuckling at my expense while I glared. "It's so fucking obvious what the reason is, if it were a tree spider you'd be covered in bites by now."

"Well then, o mortal, limited griffin who has spent approximately 200% less time alive on this planet than I have," I said, "do please enlighten me."

"It's because you don't know shit about fighting." Gilda got up, wings flapping as she repositioned herself on a perch. "I mean, I'm gonna admit, I'm not the baddest badflank griffin there ever was alive, otherwise I'd've been workin' as some kinda merc and not in that crappy dive of a restaurant. But you don't get ahead in Griffonstone without learning to fight. And griffs don't have magic, so it isn't like we can all do woo woo with our paws and zap." She gestured by doing woo woo with her paws and failing to zap. "You, though... you've been alive a zillion years, sure, but how much fighting you ever done without magic? Seriously?"

Seriously, I considered the question. As a child, I'd had magic, but little understanding of how to use it effectively, so my primary fighting strategy had been to run away. Or occasionally chase after whatever it was that thought I'd make a tasty snack with a torch. When Fire is your friend, few forest animals want to mess with you. In the circus, my magic had been blocked, and most of the "fights" had consisted of my foes yelling at me and beating me, and me trying to curl up small enough that it wouldn't hurt, because I was generally chained down and couldn't run away. Fighting back under those conditions had been... ill-advised, the few times I tried it.

As an adult, but a mortal one, I'd had magic, and I'd known how to use it, but I was capable of exhausting it. There were claw-to-claw contests I'd gotten into with dragons because I didn't have the magical strength to teleport and hadn't managed to be fast enough to evade them. In a physical fight with a full-size Western dragon, when you're a mortal draconequus and not the near-omnipotent chaos avatar, "winning" consists of surviving it and getting away, and in that sense, I'd won all my fights... but squeezing out of a dragon's grasp, or taking advantage of the fact that I was so much smaller to pry up a scale or two with my own dragon leg and then rake the flesh underneath so the dragon would recoil in pain and toss me away, are not exactly the kinds of moves that will work so well against ponies. Then there was the time I'd been poisoned by inhaling Matrisse's dust and couldn't use my magic, but the fact that they took me when I was still barely conscious and turned me into a drooling, spastic idiot by fastening bits of Matrisse to the base of my horns meant that I really never had a chance to fight until I persuaded Celestia to have the crystals taken off my horns. Then I tricked the pony bringing my food into coming too close, took him hostage, and walked out the door riding him because he had foals and didn't want to die, and I have sharp teeth and the ability to bluff. Then I ran away.

And there were times, while worldwalking, that I'd ended up without access to my usual reserves, and then run afoul of the local authorities, or local ne'er-do-wells, or someone who simply wanted to pick a fight with me for no good reason whatsoever. In some of those cases, I'd been in the same shape as one of the locals – for instance, in human worlds, it's generally advisable to be a human – while in others, I'd been in my own body. In any case, I generally found it the best idea to run away, or else trick my opponents into fighting each other and then run away, or else draw others into the fight as a distraction so no one would notice as I ran away... all right, seeing a bit of a pattern here.

Okay, maybe she's right. I've never fought in paw-to-hoof combat against ponies and won. Ever. Unless I was redefining "won" as "got away", in which case I won today... but today doesn't feel like much of a win, so I guess not.

"Yeah, I can see from the look on your face that that's a big 'zero'," Gilda said.

"I never said that," I said, not pouting. I was glaring. And scowling. Not pouting. There's a difference. Gilda, stop reading over my shoulder or I'll rotate your eyeballs backward so the only thing you have to look at is your miniscule birdbrain.

Anyway. To make a long story slightly shorter, this is how I got talked into agreeing to spar with Gilda, on the grounds that, according to her, I obviously don't know how to fight with just my bare claws, and I'm helpless without my magic. The nerve! If it weren't for the fact that it really is bugging me how easily two ponies overpowered me just because my magic was on the fritz – I mean, maybe that was Anon in effect. Probably was. It's good for his personal story if Discord without magic is pathetically easy to beat up, right? Except for the fact that he was looking for his sword at the time, and normally, everything's about him. If it was his power screwing with me, wouldn't it have been him who beat me up, not his marefriend flunkies?

The point is, I can't rule out that it's for the reason Gilda says it is unless I spar with her and demonstrate that that was a one-off and I'm actually remarkably talented. So... I'm going to be sparring with Gilda, after I finish writing this. (Gilda accuses me of dragging this out to absurd lengths to avoid sparring, and complains that I really didn't need to tell anypony about the geography of the Hoofson, but I disagree. This account is for me, in case Anon makes me lose my memories of who I am, so I'm going to include anything I think might be relevant to me, and, well, lord of chaos. It's not like I have an outline or a deadline or a page limit or something. So I meander sometimes, sue me.)

Oh! And before I forget – I've sent a message to Blueblood, asking him to try to find out what Celestia summoned Twilight to Canterlot for. So there's that.

Ugh. I suppose I'm done. Time to go find Gilda, I suppose, and get this over with.

---

That... did not go well.

I made a dojo in a region of the lower cave that previously no one had bothered to dig the mud out of, and rearranged the stalagmites and stalactites so they were ranged around the combat area like spectators. Since we'd be flying, I also warped space to accommodate flight. Given that I still didn't know how Anon, Background Pony and Ego Dash and their pals had found me, for certain – spying on Flim and Flam was a good theory, but I'd done exactly no research to see if it was the truth or not, and I knew Anon was capable of showing up at places where I had arrived when there was no logical reason to assume he might be anywhere near there – I thought it best if we didn't go outside. Also, this was supposed to be a test of physical combat. Both of us are capable of weather manipulation simply because we have wing magic, though in my case my chaos magic is such an integral part of me I'm not sure I can do weather manipulation without chaos getting into it. But the goal here was to see how well I could do without using any magic whatsoever.

I created a magic sensor that looked like a giant green disk. If magic was used aside from flight magic, the disk would turn yellow and then red. It was calibrated to account for the amount of ambient chaos magic already around, given that I'd just made the arena with chaos magic and that we were in the same cave system as the Grotto of Disharmony. And no, I didn't cheat.

Obviously there was no one to referee us; I did suggest creating extra selves to act as referee, but Gilda just gave me a dirty look, so I tabled that. I wasn't overly concerned about either of us getting hurt; I had my magic and could use it in an emergency. And it didn't seem to me very likely that Gilda would cheat, because aside from "don't use magic" and "don't actually try to kill the other one", there were no rules, and Gilda doesn't have magic aside from flight and weather-working and there's not much weather to be worked in a cave. So I wasn't particularly hung up on the lack of referee. We agreed we'd count down from three in unison and then say "Go" and that would be the start of the match. After a couple of snafus (zero is an important number and belongs in countdowns, I don't care what Gilda says), we managed to get it together and start.

Gilda's fast. Not as fast as I am – even without my magic, I can eel out of the way of a blow very, very quickly. I had little problem dodging her. The real issue, though, was that she kept dodging me. This was totally unfair; I have more limbs than she does, considering that my tail is prehensile and my neck is flexible enough to use my head itself as a weapon (there's a reason I have an antler and a horn). But while the strength and agility of my core body made it pretty easy for me to dodge her divebomb attacks, her smaller size and greater flight ability could get her out of the way of my tail, and I had a hard time getting my other limbs close enough to grab or tag her. Yes, I admit it; without my magic I can barely fly. You must have noticed how small my wings are; if I know I'm going into a situation where my magic isn't going to be easily accessible, I can grow out my wings ahead of time, but I never know when Anon is going to come at me until he does.

We went some time with neither of us being able to successfully tag the other one, until my wings were tired enough that they were actually starting to hurt. I declared that I wanted to end this because I was getting tired and bored. Here's where a referee would have come in handy, because Gilda's response was, "Yeah, you think Anon'll let you get away with that one?" and stepped up her attacks. Apparently, she'd been holding back, hoping I'd get tired because, in her words, "You're a total whiny baby about pain; I knew as soon as it got hard you'd try to give up," which I think is totally unfair and I wouldn't even have included here except she's reading over my shoulder again and I thought I told you to stop that. Go hunt harmless small animals or bully some ponies or steal fruit or something. I've suffered a lot of pain in my life; I wasn't always near-omnipotent, and on some occasions, like the one I mentioned above with Matrisse or several incidents I've described in this very journal, even my powers couldn't save me from going through awful experiences. Just because I don't like pain doesn't mean I can't push through it if I have to. I just don't think I should have to if the stakes are just a friendly sparring match.

I could have teleported out of the arena, or turned Gilda into a grapefruit, or any number of things to stop her, but she was taunting me. Telling me she just bet I was going to cheat, that there was no way I could hack it without my powers. And, well, I got mad. So I did exactly what she wanted me to, and kept fighting after I was too tired to stay in the air. With a boundary on my third dimension, cutting off some of my maneuverability, I wasn't nearly as good at dodging. She got first blood – and second, and third. I whacked her with my tail once, which sent her flying into a stalactite, but she rebounded far faster than I would have expected... which, come to think of it, was probably short-sighted on my part. Gilda's a stunt flyer, like Rainbow Dash. Of course she can handle crashing into something. It seems to be what stunt flyers spend most of their time doing. I landed a few claw strikes myself, but I must admit, I am far, far faster at dodging than I am at hitting. Hitting's just so... barbaric. Now, turning a pony into a sapient, mobile mushroom and demanding that they sing "I'm A Little Teapot" before you'll turn them back? That's civilized violence. But hitting? With claws, and fists? Animals can do that.

It ended when Gilda, purely by luck, managed to dodge away from one of my tail strikes and land on the back of my neck. Immediately I felt her talons pressed up against my throat. "Tag," she said. "If this were a real fight you'd be dead now."

I shook her off, along with a large quantity of blue snowflakes that ended up falling on her and making her a snow griffin for a few moments. "If this were a real fight I'd have used a lot more power in my tail strikes," I snapped at her. "Just because I thought it might be a bad idea to break every bone in my beloved ally's body—"

"Oh, stop being a sore loser." She shook the snow off. "I beat you fair and square. You weren't holding back anything at the end."

"Except my magic."

"Yeah, and in real life, if I had to go up against something as big as you with dragon scales on part of its body, I'd've gone for your eyes and then flown away fast as I could, but this wasn't a real fight, this was to see how you do without using your magic. And the answer is, terrible."

"If I'm so terrible why are you covered in bloody claw marks?"

"What part of 'three times bigger than a griffin' are you not getting? I should've lost, and lost bad." Gilda strutted over to where I'd left a very large bowl of potato chips. Lavender potato chips, to be precise. With honey mustard and pickled banana relish salsa. She stuffed a fistful in her mouth. "Isn't your fault," she said, through a mouthful of potato chips.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you to chew with your mouth closed?"

"Nope." She took another pawful of chips. "You're like a unicorn. Having fancy magic means you end up depending on fancy magic, because why wouldn't you? I mean, I don't carry plates with my tail, because my tail's terrible for it and I've got forelegs. But if my forelegs were broken and I had to carry plates with my tail, maybe I'd learn how, or maybe I'd break all the plates."

"I'd love to see that. How about I take your forelegs – temporarily, of course – and watch you trying to learn how to carry plates with your tail?"

Gilda rolled her eyes. "Stop being a dipshit, I'm trying to help you here. You wanna get skewered by some freak monkey with a sword or you wanna learn how to bite him in half?"

"Neither. He probably tastes awful."

"Okay, how about actually grabbing him with your tail and twisting his head off? That sound good to you?"

I sighed. "Yes, obviously, that sounds wonderful, but I'm failing to see how you're going to help me with that. You don't even have a prehensile tail. Which makes your offer to carry dishes with it even more absurd."

"That wasn't an offer, you moron, it was a metaphor!"

"A metaphor? From Gilda the Griffin? Careful, I think I see steam coming out of your ears. Are you sure you're not overtaxing your meager brain?"

"Look, if I'd known you were going to be such a big shit about losing I wouldn't've suggested this. Point is, you suck. You do everything with your magic and when you don't have your magic all you wanna do is dodge. Which you're good at, don't get me wrong, but you're never going to beat the monkey man with dodging, and if he screws with your head so you don't use magic even when you can, and his sword screws with your magic, you have got to learn how to fight with your claws and shit or you're gonna end up as diced dragonthingy."

"Draconequus."

"Whatever. So if you decide to stop being a shithead about it, come talk to me and I can start teaching you some crap. Yeah, I don't know from dragon tails, but your arms are the same as what I've got, sorta, if we overlook that that's a foot on your arm, and we've both got wings, so I can probably teach you something. Or, you know, just keep being a sore loser and pretending you're awesome at claw-to-claw when we both know you suck, and one of these days you're gonna get a crystal sword stuck in your gut and I'm not gonna cry about it." She flapped off. "I'm going upstairs. You can come see me there, or not. Whichever."

Well, I'm certainly not going to go crawling to her begging for fighting lessons. The nerve of that griffin!

---

Okay, this is very, very interesting.

I had a little chat with Blueblood, as Twister, in a café in Canterlot, with a spell running to make anypony who overheard us think we were talking about hoofball, and an illusion spell on Blueblood so he looked elderly. He wasn't happy, and pestered me for some minutes for a more flattering illusion spell, but I pointed out that no one was ever going to imagine that an old stallion they saw was Blueblood in disguise, and if he didn't stop whining about it I could always make him look like a filly instead, and then he shut up.

He's been spreading a little bit of fear, uncertainty and doubt – one of my favorite dishes, a FUD sandwich on lie bread with a garnish of truth – amongst the nobles, about Anon in particular and humans in general. Humans are mythical monsters, and yet we're allowing one of them to have the virginal flower of our heroic maredom as his herdmates! Humans eat meat, all the time – including pony meat! (Humans actually consider the flesh of ponies to be unappetizing and reject it as a food source. They feed it to their dogs, though. Maybe I should get Anon a dog and then spread rumors about humans feeding ponies to dogs.) Humans are predators! Humans come from a world where every human carries a gun, and they shoot each other with it – including foals! Humans can turn into dire wolves when the moon is full, and then they go berserk and eat any creature in their path! Humans built Tartarus! Humans rape their own young! Humans eat their own young! Humans explode mountains! Humans have magical super strength, speed, and the ability to fire energy bolts from their eyes, and they're indestructible unless you confront them with special green crystals that only come from their world! Humans are here to transform every pony into a human so we can all be as violent and disharmonious as they are! I admit a lot of these came from my suggestions, but some of Blueblood's own touches were pretty creative. Such as the one about transforming ponies into humans. Seriously, why would they ever want to do that? And yet many of the nobleponies of Canterlot are dumb enough to fall for this stuff even without Blueblood's Element of Arrogance putting some oomph into it.

Enough of these rumors were circulating around that when Celestia had plans to summon Anon and Twilight to Canterlot to give them a special mission, Luna expressed concern for Anon's safety given the state of the rumor mill in Canterlot, and Blueblood backed her up, expressing great dismay about these horrible rumors besmirching a true hero of Equestria just because of his species, but of course, we simply can't afford to have anything happen to him! So Celestia called Twilight alone. Blueblood didn't know the details of the mission, but he knew enough that I was able to figure out what's going on. He heard a rumor of a dark power arising to the north that the Elements may be needed to quell.

In other words, Sombra and his Crystal Empire are coming back.

I knew it was going to happen eventually, and I figured that when it did happen, most likely Celestia would send Anon with the Bearers to deal with it. Blueblood's been trying to re-establish his old friendship with Shining Armor, and he managed to find out that Shiny and the Princess of Pink are being sent as well. If the cartoon was an accurate representation of how things would have gone down if Anon hadn't intervened, then the way it should have happened was that Shining and Cadance would have gone first, Shining would have gotten his flank handed to him by Sombra, disabling his magic, and then Cadance would have barely held him off while Twilight Sparkle and Spike went looking for the Crystal Heart. The way it is going now, apparently Spike is being left home, Shining and Cadance are going at the same time as the Bearers, Anon will be with them, and there is still inexplicably a train station for the Crystal Empire despite the fact that it hasn't existed in a thousand years and the train is only about a century old, tops. Celestia plays the long game, but I really wonder what ponies thought when she told them to construct a station in the far north in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

This is definitely something I need to take advantage of.

I can't go help Sombra. If they get the Crystal Heart up and running, and they almost certainly will, I am absolutely boned if I'm anywhere near it. The Heart is a harmonious amplifier of emotion; Sombra can use it, if he gets it, to amplify terror and despair, which he can use to power his own dark magic, and Cadance can use it to spread peace and love and complete nausea, but either way it's harmony. I can probably survive it without getting stoned if it's just on in the background and not being activated or actively used as a weapon, but in a contest between Cadance and Sombra it's going to be about who can get their hooves on the Heart first, and one way or another that nasty piece of crystal fruit is getting activated, which means, I am not going to go anywhere near it. Besides, I hate Sombra. Tyrant, slaves, dark magic, spreads uniform fear – boring! He's my favorite go-to example when ponies try to tell me that order is a good thing. Given a choice between him and Cadance, I'm secretly rooting for our pink gal; harmony, while nauseating, is not nearly as unpleasant as repressive order. I mean, I really really wish I could arrange things so Anon and Sombra kill each other, but I can't be there and I'm not the one who warps probability, except in the sense that probably your door shouldn't have spontaneously turned into bees, my bad.

But while the cat's away, the mice will play, and I'm feeling playful. Sadly, Flim and Flam aren't. I sent my singing trio back to their house to see if they wanted to try a second meetup, and they slammed the door in the trio's faces. That really hurt their feelings. If they had feelings, which they don't, because I made them up, but you know, fictional characters have feelings too! Just because they are inventions of my imagination and I couldn't even be bothered to give them names doesn't mean that having a door slammed in their faces is just hunky-dory with them. I'm going to need a new Element of Greed, but before I focus on that, it's time to go get Deception. And possibly maybe have a conversation with Spikey-Wikey. He's been left behind, and I happen to know that he was supposed to have been the big hero this adventure, and instead Anon is going to take it from him like he's taken everything else. (I am, of course, operating under the assumption that Anon et al will win, but given their track record against me, I think that's fairly reasonable to assume.) It might be a friendly gesture, you know, a bit of an apology for threatening his life when I was trying to kill Anon, if I let him know that fact while Twilight and Anon aren't around at all to stop me.

Also... I've agreed to do some training exercises with Gilda. I still think she got lucky that day! But... I have to admit, she's got a point. I don't appear to be nearly as spectacular at fighting without my powers as I ought to be. I doubt I can possibly learn anything from her, but maybe some practice sessions will help me learn some tricks on my own. And with Blueblood making some actual headway against Anon – admittedly, just turning pompous stuffed shirts against him, but still – the thought occurs to me that I really, really, really want to live through this. If, ugh, swallowing my pride and asking Gilda to spar with me a few more times can give me a better chance of surviving against Anon and his Sword o'Doom, and not getting my tail cut off... well, you know, I have one minion who's getting things done and one minion who's actually a somewhat tolerable companion to have around the place, I've been blowing off some steam at that xenophile hangout in Manehattan lately... things are coming together for me. I'm probably having more fun right now than I have had since I came back from Zebrica and met Anon. So it'd be a terrible shame for me to get killed or maimed now, especially if I could have prevented it by working with Gilda.

Don't assume I like it, though.

Author's Note:

As usual, my outline lies to me about how many events I can fit in a chapter. So yeah, some things I thought were going in this chapter aren't, and everything shifts forward.

I have wanted to write a fight between Gilda and Discord since reading Chuckfinley's Banishment Decree (which Chuck thinks sucks, but I disagree), but when I finally got to it, I realized to my dismay that Discord is probably never going to blow-by-blow describe a fight that he loses. Or possibly a physical fight, ever. Physical fights bore him. A magical fight, now he might go on about that for 12,000 words. :-)

The description of the Hoofson and most of the towns I describe is actually my birthland -- the Hudson River Valley, and the towns correspond to Poughkeepsie, Newburgh and Coldspring. "River City" is really my hometown of Beacon crossed over with "The Music Man", the movie that obviously provided the inspiration for Flim and Flam. I adapted the plot of the Music Man for the story about Flim and Flam's grandfather; "Con Hill" is a more pony name than "Harold Hill" for a con man. "Catbird Mountains" are the Catskill mountains (Catskill means Cat River, and has nothing to do with killing cats, it's Dutch. When I was a child, I named the region of the Hudson that goes through the Catskills "Friskies River", and I didn't even know we were in the Catskills. I was just obsessed with cats.)

It is really true that New York is known for growing apples. McIntosh is really big in New York. (In popularity. As I've mentioned before, McIntosh apples are very small, which is funny when applied to Big Mac.)

The singing trio was totally inspired by Bad Horse's singing minions in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

No, I'm not telling you why Discord suddenly got an editor or who it is. Tune in next time and maybe you'll find out.

Comments

[AnAsianToaster]

My brain exploded when I saw this update.
THANK YOU.

[Eruantalon]

I love the Catbird Mountains. And I'm sure Gilda hates the name.

No, I'm not telling you why Discord suddenly got an editor or who it is. Tune in next time and maybe you'll find out.

I assumed it was you? Or... hmm, I wouldn't think he'd trust Gilda to do it... maybe Spike? I hope so!

[CCC]

all in my pawwriting

Hmmm. The editor has paws, not hooves. Interesting.

Definitely some important development here. I wonder how the Bearers racked down Discord, exactly... it's a good thing his Elements of Disharmony are starting to pay off. And I notice that he's been literally saved by the power of Friendship; I bet he's going to get really sulky if anyone ever points that out to him.

[nighters]

I wonder if discord can change up the order of the events instead of following the shows orderly cannon show that anon knows well like place the crystal empire in a different zone that teleport around or take the crystal mirror that lead to the sirens

[ThegoCarter110]

The smile on my face when I noticed this updated was probably a bit bigger than it should have been.

[Berith]

I am hoping that Flim & Flam join up in the end. In my opinion they didn't deserve their loss, let alone disrespect from their efforts with the Cider 6000. The machine was a genuinely good device that could have allowed the brothers to abandon the shadier aspects of their living, and helped Equus achieve a industrial revolution. That episode was fun, but I couldn't help but feel that the moral compass resembled the depiction of Ferengi in TNG.

[Kichi]

Somehow I think that Discord could very well take the heart and use it for a chance of "parley" and expose himself to Twilight to try to talk again. He could put everything he knows about humanity and ask Anon if what he say is true or false. They have even Applejack to tell if he is honest.

If not, maybe act like if he fight again with Anon and when he is being defeated begin to throw objects, between them a history book about humanity. Hiroshima and Nagasaki in particular could be very good read for Twilight, and with her is one less.

[remnants]

[quoteNo, I'm not telling you why Discord suddenly got an editor or who it is. Tune in next time and maybe you'll find out.]It's spike. Please let it be spike

[Panem et Circenses]

WOOHOO
New update!

[Cracked Egg]

I think that Anon's abilities should be called: Indulgence.

[Snow123]

Wow.

Gilda beats Discord is a physical spar, and then points out why her winning it kinda bull-shit, but also the logic behind her victory.

... HUG ME, FAVORITE GRIFFON! :D

*is mauled*

... worth it.

[Adeen Dragon]

6833068
Same here, but I don't think they will. For one, they've seen the danger and not the benefits of the enterprise. And two, though this is a bit meta, alerajrogers has mentioned in the past that they are pretty difficult to write.

Edit: Woo! A new chapter from one of my favorite authors! And one of my favorite stories! Rejoice!

[DannyJ]

I've been itching for this for a long time. So much interesting stuff happening this chapter, as well. Anon's ability to find and reach Discord almost instantly is what has me the most worried. That is a tremendous obstacle. The loss of Flim and Flam's support is also a pretty big blow, though not as devastating. I'm sad that the villain team-up apparently won't include them. And Sombra! Sombra is always good to have.

As for the editor, Spike would make the most sense, but "pawwriting" rules him out. Given that, our most likely candidate as I see it is Ahuizotl. My second guess would be one of the diamond dogs, but I'm not sure on that one, since I question if they're even intelligent enough to write.

[Bed Head]

Alright, so that rules out my theory that Spike taking the Crystal Heart like he did in canon would end Anon's power. Seemed like a good idea at the time...

Still, I love when a new chapter for this comes out. Putting together the mystery of Anon's powers and how he can be defeated is even more fun than trying to put together the backstory for FNAF (and you can just ask my friends how much I enjoy that!).

While I admittedly just kind of glanced over some of the heavier descriptive parts about history and Discord's losses, I still greatly enjoyed reading this. It's really great that you put so much thought and detail into everything, but I can see the point that another comment made before about it being a bit hard to wade through sometimes. It never feels inappropriate or forced per say, just like Discord is really letting himself digress.

Which I imagine is the point, so kudos to you. Also, don't feel bad about the whole "not fitting everything you had in the outline into one chapter" thing. I do that all the time myself because sometimes certain parts just need more than you realized.

Onward to my favorite part, the guessing game. I'm not gonna hazard a guess to the editor just yet, but I do want to post up a few theories on other fronts.

1. If Discord is approaching Spike, then I'm teaming with like 90% of the other readers and guessing he plans to toss the kid the Element of Greed. Imagining a Spike who can control his greed and use to to go huge and kidnap the Mane Six whenever he wants is probably something Discord would love. Of course, convincing the poor kid to listen would be tough. Especially if he finds out who's really responsible for the gem theft and misfiled books. Probably equal odds that Spike will turn down Discord's offer because he's too moral to give into Discord's temptations and doesn't want to risk hurting or disappointing his friends.

Still, even if he does, just making Spike aware of what's going on and shaking him from Anon's control could make him a powerful "spanner in the works" so to speak...

2. Anon's powers definitely have something to do with his element sword. It seems that his mind warping effect weakens slightly whenever he's not in possession of it. Sure, everypony's first priority becomes trying to get the sword and return it to him. However the last time this happened with Discord's sadistic choice game, Discord was able to shake himself out of things enough to not kill Spike and Twilight actually had to stop and consider her choice instead of just automatically picking Anon. This time, Rainbow Dash and Applejack remembered that they were the toughest members of the Mane Six and started beating Discord without Anon's help.

Granted, I don't think they'd go so far if Anon's powers weren't twisting them into seeing Discord as nothing but a hateful monster and rationalizing that it's okay to pound him into paste. Twilight would obviously have tried to find a way to save both Spike and Anon if she'd been in her right mind. Rarity wouldn't have hesitated to jump into that waterfall to find an important trinket even if it would ruin her mane, except Anon is making her be even more of a frou-frou than normal. But the magic is still weaker when he separated from the sword and it lets everyone come back to themselves at least a little bit.

3. We know Anon's powers aren't invincible. It seems like, as long as he's not aware Discord is behind something, he can't just automatically neutralize it. IE, Discord's pranks and Blueblood's rumors. Of course he'll always find ways around such distractions, but as Twilight yelling at him proved, enough of these piling up could start weakening Anon's control somewhat. Probably has something to do with the ambient levels of chaos disrupting whatever order/harmony powers Anon...

Well, in any case, I look forward to reading more of this and figuring out the mystery. Gilda's probably going to have a tough time of things since she dove in to save Discord now though. I mean, that pretty much broadcasts whose side she's on. Of course, if I know anything about cliches this might actually help.

I mean, Anon sees Gilda as an enemy... Rainbow Dash sees a friend that Discord might have brainwashed into helping him. And no matter how badly she's broken, I could totally see this kind of story having Dash go off on her own to try and break whatever spell she thinks Gilda is under.

Provided, of course, Anon doesn't just convince her that "she's an enemy we have to beat" inside of thirty seconds.

EDIT: Addendum. I have a fourth theory to add now.

4. How does Discord keep getting found at bad times? Because Anon's power is literally working on the meta-narrative in one of two ways. Either Discord is going too far beyond the bounds of the story, or it's trying to make the story more dramatic. The former is slightly better than the latter.

If it's the former, then it means Discord has survived well past where he's supposed to. Anon was supposed to dice him up before the Empire returned, but somehow Dissy slipped the net. Now Anon has a constant sense for where Discord is and when he's vulnerable and so he's hunting him subconsciously. He didn't show up for Blueblood or Gilda's recruitment because he can't feasibly get from Ponyville to them that quickly (or at all!). But when Discord was talking to Luna or Flim and Flam, he was practically next door to Ponyville so it's easy for Anon to get to him.

In the latter case, the power is trying to make the story more dramatic and that's bad. It means Discord is still dancing in the palm of whatever this thing is and it's steering him away from things it doesn't want to put in. It doesn't want drama between Anon and Luna, so Anon get to interrupt Discord before he can sway her. It doesn't think Flim and Flam are worthy of being major villains, so Anon cuts in and chases them off like pests. That means Discord, despite having his free will, is still stuck in the story's pattern and is going to need to really need to force something to shake his way free.

[I Thought I Was Toast]

Hmm... It occurs to me that if records truly haven't changed Twilight will eventually find something's wrong when she begins researching genealogy. Of course she would blame Discord, but reporting it to the princesses might raise Luna's suspicions based on her previous talks with Discord while kidnaped...

[alarajrogers]

Adding Gilda to the character list. I had one slot open, and I don't plan for any other of the villain recruits to come live with Discord, so he's going to continue to interact with her more than the other villains.

I had at one point considered adding the character "Anon", but that character tag hasn't been added yet to the list of what's available, and technically speaking my Anon isn't really the classic 4chan "Anon" at all because he's not the main character of a 2nd person fic, so even if the character tag gets added to the available list I probably won't swap out OC for it. Probably.

[Siras-chi]

Calling it now, Spike gets Greed and becomes the editor. Besides, whats Greedier than a Dragon that wants a Pony?

[alarajrogers]

6833430
Yeah. They probably wouldn't have gone in the first place if they'd known it was Discord; they've heard of his rep. Once they were there, they were going to hear him out because it would have been too dangerous to try to run away from him -- unlike most ponies, Flim and Flam have enough experience in running away to know when to run away and when running away is just going to provoke the dangerous individual and you're best off standing your ground and pretending you're not afraid. :-) They might well have taken the deal if he'd had a chance to offer it -- it would have been a sweet deal for them -- but now that they've been chased off, and they know it's Discord, oh hayll no they're not going back and getting involved.

It's possible, however, that coming to Discord's attention might scare them "straight" -- that is, figuring that they might potentially need protection from Discord, they may refocus their energies on trying to make something that will work and can be sold, rather than another shady trick like the health elixir was, because they might need to be able to present themselves to the authorities as law-abiding citizens in need of protection. Ironically, this would be exactly what Discord wants them to do -- if he can't recruit them, he wants them creating technological change, because change drives his powers and Anon probably isn't paying any attention to technology. (I keep halfway toying with the notion that Anon has single-handedly brought online gaming, but no other part of the Internet, to Equestria because of Gamer Luna, so I can demonstrate what an incredible shift in Equestrian culture such a thing would cause and how online gaming being the only part of the Internet would mean that social games where the whole point is to hang around with your friends and it's not really a game at all would quickly dominate, because if you can instantly contact your friends over a distance but only by joining a game, there will be games invented for that sole purpose. But while it would be really interesting, it would also be an even bigger tangent to the thrust of the story than Discord's usual digressions.)

[alarajrogers]

6833452
Uh, what do you call the things at the end of Spike's forelimbs? The claws are his fingers; the appendage the claws are attached to is a paw. Dragons have paws, I've repeatedly had Discord refer to his own dragon foot as a paw. (Or, interchangeably, a foot -- but Spike's writing appendages aren't feet, yet, because he hasn't gone quadruped yet.)

Of course, Gilda has demonstrated that she's smarter than she looks, but I doubt she would want to do something as tedious as edit the document; we do know she reads it over Discord's shoulder and makes loud suggestions, though.

A Flowers-for-Algernon superintelligent Angel Bunny would be hilarious, but probably a distraction from the story. :-)

Ahuizotl probably is an accomplished writer; his opponent is, and on the principle of "anything you can do I can do better", he probably writes well. He certainly sounds like an educated individual. Probably writes better in Esponyol than Equestrian, but he could probably edit Discord's stuff, sure. :-)

Diamond dogs are only stupid because Discord did something to them (established in the very first chapter), so if Discord wanted a diamond dog secretary he could undo whatever it was he did. I've long kind of wanted to have a diamond bitch as a character. Non-standard gender roles intrigue me -- not just equality or reversals where females have power, but situations like "males dominate but females control the money", or "males are the soldiers and warriors and females are the leaders", that kind of thing. I loved it in DS9 when they established that Cardassians think men don't have the brains to do science.

In general, anything that doesn't have a hoof has paws, unless it's a human in which case it's hands and feet. (Technically speaking, though, humans have paws too. "The Monkey's Paw" is referring to an appendage that is damn near identical to a human hand, though furrier than most humans' hands are. :-)) Discord even occasionally refers to his talon as a paw, usually in the context of "fallen into my paws" or something like that. When he speaks of it independently, it's his talon, but when he refers to the appendages at the end of his forelimbs together, they're paws, or claws, or now that he's met Anon, hands sometimes.

I wonder if Iron Will and Tirek have paws or hands?

[Arzoo]

The only character who has any experience editing is probably Spike; that plus the reference to claws by the editor leaves the upcoming outcome of recruiting Spike rather obvious.

Or was it paws the editor said? Too lazy to look on phone.

[DannyJ]

6833958

I've always called what Spike has hands, and I consider it the same for both Tirek and Iron Will, otherwise they would have also been among my guesses. But if we're going with dragon paws, then Spike's back as my #1.

[ledezma25]

nice chapter

[Kabasue]

Fluttershy wasn't at the fight. I can't help but to think that this is significant.

[alarajrogers]

6834734
It would only be the Ghetto of Disharmony if the Sirens and other beings that use the power of disharmony to fuel their magic were all living there. Just Discord by himself doesn't make a ghetto, sadly.

[EoSet]

So happy that this got updated! "does a little happy dance" That it was so superbly executed is just icing on the cake.
This has chapter so many possible plot points and generated ideas that it's rather hard to get them all down.

1. It seems that Anon's power may not be so infinite as it first appeared. Given his general disdain for Spike, (I use the word disdain since, if he was just apathetic towards the little dragon, he would not have so thoroughly written him out of his greatest achievement and piled on such bad vibes towards him) he would have, in his ideal universe, written him out of existence entirely. That is because, to the human's chagrin, Spike has Plot Armor. He is already established in the universe before Anon's introduction, and is unable to write out or change any plot points that are established Canon before that point. Just like he is unable to change Fluttershy's kindness, being an innate canon part of her personality, as shown when she showed kindness to Discord. That is a significant gap that can possibly be exploited if utilized properly.

2. It seems as if Discord's continued existence is messing with Anon's desired narratives, making his "writing" getting sloppier. The fact that he Just Happens to randomly encounter Discord again placing more us the "Readers" put aside more suspension of disbelief. This is a good thing, even if it may seem bad at first glance. By getting sloppier, it allows more loopholes to appear in the "Author's" writing, creating avenues to escape.

3. Anon's arrival has seriously screwed with the timeline in which things were meant to take place. Besides the obvious "year" reference made regarding the general timetable for these events to take place, he obviously created an "episode" taking place between Canterlot Wedding and the Crystal Empire. Now, one might have said this obvious given the plethora of episode potential created from the generated conflict of this narrative alone, but the fact that they say "thirty minutes to resolve" regarding Twilight's spat with him SCREAMS metahumor implying it as a episode stint.

4. While not infallible, Anon's powers have shown to be very.....persuasive (probably more like pervasive) in how well they seem to work towards his ideal. The fact that Rarity could so quickly write off Spike's claim instead of doing the more intelligent thing and considering it tells of how well it can work towards making his ideal. Now, acting on another assumption that Anon's powers are actually quite intelligent (not the human himself, of course), they may be pushing to remove Spike of his proverbial plot armor. It has done this before, realizing that Spike being written off (despite his personal feelings toward the dragon) cannot be done meaninglessly. But, instead of killing him outright, is pushing all this negativity on him to get him to go turncoat. It would not surprise me if Anon has even convinced Spike that he DID steal Rarity's gems and messed up re-shelving, along with any other number of slights to push the "believably" of Spike joining Discord....

But of course, these are just theories

[HiddenMaster]

Damn. I really wasn't expecting an update from this. You just made my day. Thank you.

You know, while Anon isn't exactly the central focus of this chapter, I'm finding that my hatred for him just keeps growing. In a good way, if that's even possible.

I liked the reasoning you have here for Discord not going to the Crystal Empire. Regardless of outcome, he's at a minimum hurt by the Crystal Heart. Granted, he could use more powerful allies, but well I have a feeling Sombra is going to die in about 2.5 seconds.

Looking at the Anon situation, I'm honestly having a difficult time imagining a way for Discord to actually beat him. While Anon has seemingly no real skills to draw upon (aside from the whole hearted support of the Mane 6 and presumably the Elements of Harmony), his reality warping pretty much beats every possible counteroffensive against his into the ground before it can truly begin. Everything's Discord's done so far just seems to prolong the inevitable. Although, I can think of a little bit of hope here...

Warning: future rambling/predictions that probably won't happen but I enjoy writing this too much ahead

Thinking back on it, there was mention of an Avatar of Order that Discord defeated and split into a bunch of pieces. Considering what's been done to the world, a being who can (presumably) rival Discord in power and that can force things to revert back to a certain state (if what the Dragon a few chapters back was doing with a fragment of Order is any indication) except on a much greater scale...Suffice it to say, it would probably screw up Anon's day big time, or at the very least might be able to mitigate his powers somewhat-a being that actively reinforces a certain "true" version of reality rather than Anon's. Certainly would be a useful ally. Of course, Discord is Discord and it probably wouldn't even enter his mind to put such an enemy back together unless everything has gone horribly wrong. In fact, I'd imagine Discord would only resort to this option if it appears that Anon is going to win completely and utterly without any form of consequence or repercussions.

So, assuming this possibility is even in the cards, it would pretty much be a Godzilla threshold.

Of course, everything I postulated above could be completely wrong or the avatar of Order could very well be the one behind it all.

Well that's just my rather jumbled thoughts on this. This was a great chapter, and I eagerly look forward to more.

[Bed Head]

6834812

I like that I'm not the only one thinking along these lines, but I do have one problem with the theories you posted.

Namely, I don't really think Anon is intentionally trying to get rid of Spike.

(Now pardon me because I'm about to get really passionate over a fanfiction.)

None of his actions have been aimed to directly hurt the little guy. Anon is just trying to be the big damn hero of the story and pal around with the characters he likes. Unfortunately, like most of the authors of these sorts of stories, it seems that Spike isn't among that group.

I seriously doubt Anon actually hates Spike or wants to kill or get rid of him. He just doesn't care about Spike and, thanks to his mind warping, nobody else does either. So Spike being ignored, pushed around, or left out of his own stories is just a natural and very unfortunate consequence of Anon getting what he wants. Just like how all the minor villains act like caricatures of their normal selves so he has justification to push them around.

And, as I've labored before, that's what makes me hate the guy.

Because he's selfish. Because he won't open his eyes and see the damage he's doing. Because he doesn't give a flying pony-feather for anyone's thoughts or opinions other than his own. He doesn't love the Mane Six, Celestia, Luna, or even Equestria. He loves the sick, juvenile fantasies that he's had about all of them and now that he has the chance to live them out he doesn't bother to question if it's right.

He's exactly the sort of selfish brat that he pictures Diamond Tiara to be: A whiny, petulant child who only cares about what he wants. He's the last sort of person who deserves to get anything that he wants, and what sickens me is that whatever he power he has just keeps on giving it to him. I've abandoned any idea that these abilities came from Matrisse or some other orderly entity. Even if it were some roundabout plan of getting rid of Discord there's no way it's worth giving Anon his every desire.

If he ever... ever really loved the show, the world, and its characters then maybe he'd realize it. But I've seen no proof that he does, and it makes me sick. I'm with Discord on all of this: The thought of Anon having utter control, of being in anyway remembered as or (heaven forbid) rewarded for being a hero is the worst possible ending to all of this.

I don't care if the powers aren't Anon's doing. I don't care that he might be a puppet to some greater force.

I just want that kid to realize, even for an instant, all the horrible things that he's done.

Ahh...

It's true what they say about getting stuff off your chest.

[EoSet]

6835087
I'll be the first to admit that Anon may not hate Spike, per se, but he certainly seems willing to exploit him more then most to further his own "ideal". Granted, this may be do to convenience, Spike makes an unfortunately good fall guy, but I'm getting a different sort of vibe. If Anon PURELY wanted to be the "Hero" of this world, his exploits would revolve less around him working WITH the main six, rather then being a literal god. Believe it or not, he COULD be even more Mary-Stuish if that was truly his desire. Not to say that he truly "Cares" about the ponies, rather he still, at least in some small way, wants to keep true to the source material. If that is the case, then his complete lack of regard towards Spike shines even more prominently since he at least kept some measure of their (false) happiness in mind.
Or, he may just be unable to go Full Super Sue and is unable to change reality to such a degree to render him as an actual God. Either way shows that his power is more finite than believed.

[Rutter]

Yes! An update! I thought this thing was dead! :D

[jjrock7H]

Discord uses martial art fighting movie physics. even pinkie pie call bullshit!

[TitaniumTao]

I'm not going to guess who the new one is, however I'm looking forward to see if Chrysalis has deception. It does seem that Discord is pulling something off if Gilda was able to come help him. You know what would be funny? If Harmony was subtly helping him..

[Europa]

Ruby Gold

I see what you did there.

An opportunity for wealth, and for revenge on Applejack?

But why would the Flim Flam brothers want revenge on – oh right, Anon screwiness.

enough to actually yell at Anon

See that? You hurt him! Bad self inserts don’t have the couple have problems and arguments, it’s just lovey dovey forever!

because at this point, Anon, Applejack and Rainbow Dash came charging out of the forest, followed by Rarity and Pinkie.

DAMN IT! But hey, they’re down a Twilight and a Fluttershy. Even if Anon can count towards the original 6 Elements needed for stone, still only have 5.

I can't really use magic after Anon's hit me with that thing until the effect wears off.

Why isn’t he dissolving though?

"Hey, dweeboids! Why don'tcha pick on someone your own size?"

Aww yeah!

"Maybe, but today she's in Canterlot. Dunno why, her princess said show up so she did."

Shouldn’t Sombra be emerging any moment?

He's been spreading a little bit of fear, uncertainty and doubt

Isn’t the goal for Discord to NOT know what his underlings are doing? So he can’t monologue about it to Anon?

unless you confront them with special green crystals that only come from their world!

AAAHAHAHAHA!

In other words, Sombra and his Crystal Empire are coming back.

I knew it!

The Heart is a harmonious amplifier of emotion

Where the hell did that thing even come from?

but I can't be there

Why not? Poof in, steal the Crystal Heart before their train even arrives, poof out. Simple!

[alarajrogers]

6835146
I'm basing this on the way these stories actually work. In Seventh Element herding with the Mane 6 type fics, Spike basically does nothing except hero worship the main character, occasionally. It's like the author basically forgets he's there most of the time, and every so often goes, "Oh, right, Spike," and sticks him in to be a sycophant or a comedy relief.

Anon literally has no intentions toward Spike whatsoever. To him, Spike is a non-entity. Every so often if a situation comes up, his powers can run with it, because they're not actually writing a world where no one has free will at all -- they're altering an existing world, and some of the characters retain some free will. (Actually all of them retain some. But some, like Discord, retain most.) For instance, Anon's powers could have taken advantage of Discord invading Twilight's home to kill Anon by setting up that sadistic choice where Twilight has to prove how much she loves Anon by condemning Spike. But it's not because Anon, or his powers, want Spike dead or out of the way; they just don't care. They'll use him if he's available to serve sidekick functions -- hero worship, guy who serves snacks, character you can explain things to, or someone to kill if you need to kill a character.

Anon making Spike into a villain would be the last thing on his mind, because he doesn't think Spike has enough autonomy of mind to rebel like that. Spike's entire purpose in Anon's story is to be a sidekick and otherwise stay out of the way. He doesn't care about Spike; Spike bores him. So he definitely would not want Spike becoming a villain. Villains are characters you care about. You love to hate them; you want them to suffer or die; you think about them a lot and what they're doing because their role in the story is to attack you. He doesn't care about Spike positively or negatively.

[alarajrogers]

6835267
Told ya. None of my fics on this site are dead. If I decide not to finish something, I will explicitly cancel it, since the site allows for that.

[alarajrogers]

6835516

Why isn’t he dissolving though?

Because the Element of Protection does whatever is convenient for the plot. More seriously, it's because he got a shallow cut. There's not enough energy there to start the chain reaction that could kill him.

Anon's intent also matters. Not that that would have made a difference here, Anon was trying to kill Discord. But if it's Anon's goal to hurt Discord but not kill him, the reaction that started dissolving him won't start. Anon has to want Discord dead for the Element of Protection to kill him. Of course, usually Anon wants Discord dead.

Isn’t the goal for Discord to NOT know what his underlings are doing? So he can’t monologue about it to Anon?

Mostly, but what Discord really wanted to know was, why was Twilight summoned to Canterlot? What Blueblood is doing has direct bearing on that -- Twilight was called alone, without Anon, because of the shit Blueblood's been stirring up. Also, Blueblood's been hitting him up behind the scenes for information about humans, which is why so much of the crap Blueblood's been saying has the ring of truth to it (aside from, you know, the werewolves, Superman, baby eating, and the Conversion Bureau). This is possible because Discord is congenitally incapable of refraining from googling himself with his Panauricon; he actually goes through it listening for his own name, frequently, heard Blueblood bitching him out for giving him no information on humans, and showed up to tell him stuff. Discord doesn't include everything he does in his journal because, aside from some stuff not being relevant, he's scatterbrained and doesn't always think of it. He still hasn't told us about his meeting with Cheese Louise.

Why not? Poof in, steal the Crystal Heart before their train even arrives, poof out. Simple!

He doesn't know where it is. Until it turns on, it's just a crystal... in the Crystal Empire. He can't find it until it turns on, and once it turns on, he won't be able to touch it. If it was where it was supposed to be, sure, but even though Discord had been in stone when the whole thing with Sombra went down, he knows Sombra well enough to know the guy would not have left the heart where it was supposed to be.

[EoSet]

6835528
......Damn, somehow this just made me despise Anon more then if he outright hated Spike. To think of him as nothing is, somehow, infinitely worst. Like I said, I thought that Spike would make a convenient Scape Goat, for Anon. As someone who believes in karmic balance for Spike to get all the bad, and have all the good meant for him horded by a self indulgent, egotistical, self centered, bitchy, bratty idiot.......
Now, I'm an genuinely pining that there is no "redemption" for this character, I want his head on a bloody pike.

The way I see it, if this power is not really at his call, but the force of an "Author" there is one way to completely obliterate this charade. After all, is not the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing not also a trope employed in stories. The power enacting this may have originally cast Anon in the garb of light.....but can it turn a blind eye if the truth were revealed. Villains must fail after all, it is a thing set in stone. His downfall will come from all these unsustainable changes he's made to the world at large. After all, the general population cannot all be totally effected by the rose tinted glasses Anon has placed over their eyes. Small inconsistencies will continue to pile up further and further, until they can no longer be so readily dismissed. If enough of the world realizes that something is seriously wrong with their world....how can they be ignored. It does not require much digging to find the source then, when all these inconsistencies start, and once the origin is suspect, all other possibilities are thrown into light. And, once Anon is deemed a "Villain" by general consensus of the world, how must the "Narrative" respond? Even granting a 'redemption' arc for him, his further actions would be monitored.

[Bed Head]

6835736

I don't have to be the author to see the problem with that plan.

Let's pretend somebody did break through the mindwarping and realize something was wrong. And they managed to convince enough other people that these changes have happened and it's Anon's fault. And somehow they confront Anon with all this and he believes them and realizes that he's been subconsciously sex-changing stallions, breaking apart families and loving relationships, etc.

It doesn't change the core problem that Anon is a selfish child with the powers of a god. And if he's confronted with the realization that he's made these changes, small doubt what would happen.

He'd be tearful. He'd apologize. He'd work with Twilight to reverse the obvious changes he'd made such as restoring the stallionhoods he stole.

And then he'd be forgiven.

"Oh, it's not your fault!"

"It's okay, you didn't know what was happening!"

"You never meant to hurt us, how can we be mad?"

"Hey, if it were me I'd probably enjoy it too!"

And that would be the end of that. He still has his powers, and he doesn't want to be punished for his actions. He wants to apologize and be rewarded for doing the "right thing" by coming clean and trying to fix everything. So that's what he'd get. He'd never even realize that everyone is still under his power and the only reason they aren't chasing him out of Equestria is because his powers are making them forgive him. Just like he's seen on the show so many times.

If anything, making Anon realize he's a reality warper would probably make things worse. Because then, somepony would point out that he "has the same powers has Discord" and suggest what might happen if he could learn to control them...

[EoSet]

6835865
Okay, I'll admit that I was grasping at straws a bit there, but I do maintain the point that, in order to win, Anon's position in the Narrative has to be changed for the worst. I'm of the opinion that his power cannot blind someone once they already know the truth. Affect their behavior yes, but unable to completely eradicate free will. The reason he was so able to integrate himself into the Mane Six was that they did not know these things about him, but in knowing, they can resist his influence akin to how Discord does as well until a way to completely neutralize him is found.

[Jixstun]

So now Spike is being denied his greatest Hero moment at the Crystal Empire.

Part of me really wants him to become the Bearer of the Element of Greed so he can get some kind of payback for Anon brushing him aside from his own life, but the other part of me doesn't want him to get hurt.

[howard035]

Not sure which I loved more this chapter: The Flim Flam Brothers meeting with the Bad Horse crew, or Gilda actually befriending Discord. I hope to see lots more of their friendship down the line.

6835980
6835736 I think the two main threads of this conversation could really stand to run together. They are 1)How can Anon possibly be beaten and 2)How can things get better for Spike?

It does say in the title Discord is Not the Hero. Maybe Spike is the one who must ultimately stop Anon, not Discord. Discord is quite confident he is the most free of anyone in Equestria because of his powers, but there's a counter-possibility: Anon considers Discord his arch-enemy, his nemesis. Doesn't that make it likely that Anon's subconscious power is at least partly focused on Discord at all times, day or night? Possibly more than any other being? Anon's power is warping all the other antagonists to a small extent, even though they are far away from him. Yes, Discord is much more able to resist things, but I think more of Anon's power is focused on him than on anyone else, even the Princesses or the Mane 6. I mean, what do we think Anon cares more about, how loving his relationship with his mares is, or how Discord is plotting his next devious attack against Anon?

I don't think Spike is being affected by Anon's power any differently than say, Carrot Top, to him they are both background ponies not worth thinking about. Spike is just really unlucky in that all his relationships are to ponies that Anon really does care about, and has therefore warped to a much greater degree. If Anon was someone who came to Equestria to fulfil one of those "Lyra is fascinated with humans, so the first human she meets she falls in love with" stories, Bon Bon would be the one we see suffering most.

What makes Spike unique is he has close access to Anon. Dude has fire breath, razor sharp claws, and probably prepares most of Anon's food. If Discord can pull off the extremely difficult task of convincing Spike that Anon has to die, I think Spike might actually be able to slit his throat in his sleep, or put ground glass in his pancakes, because Anon's power is not "watching" Spike in the same way it is watching beings it considers antagonists.

[Jixstun]

I wonder if Anon's sudden appearance at Discord's meeting with Flim & Flam might have something to do with that whatever power fuels Anon is in some way aware that events are moving into Season 3 territory & Discord still isn't defeated yet, when in the heroic tale that Anon wants the world to be he should be, so that Anon can move on with his story. This could also explain why the encounter felt sloppy & overly violent. The power is just trying to get Discord's defeat over with & as such just has Anon & some of the Ponies (not all) just running up & wailing on him. No subtlety or style, just the equivalent of 'Rocks fall, everyone dies" that DM's will pull on characters they're tired of during D&D campaigns. I like the fact that Fluttershy wasn't there though. Did she refuse, or was she not even asked? Either way, her participating in such a violent act seems to be something that not even Anon's power can arrange.

And that makes me wonder on what the limits of Anon's power of 'agree with me' actually are. As we saw with Twilight it can mend disagreements, but (as long as he's not actually physically present) it can't stop them from forming in the first place, so another effective strategy for Discord could be for him to just keep crowbarring away at holes in Anon's narrative by drawing attention to the things that don't match what he altered to world to believe. For instance, he could arrange for Celestia to keep receiving little notes from all kinds of places & at unpredictable times that simply say:

"What happened to your father's armour?"

[Bed Head]

6837532

Hmmm, I doubt Spike would go that far and Anon's powers would find some lucky way for him to avoid death.

Doubtlessly, Discord talking to Spike and shaking him from Anon's mindwarping would be one of the best things to happen to him. As for what can stop Anon...

Well, here's what we know won't work.

1. Killing him (something will happen to prevent his death)
2. Making him sacrifice himself (Once again, things will twist so he doesn't have to die)
3. Breaking up his friendship with the Mane Six, or anybody else (It'll just turn into a slice-of-life episode and all is forgiven)

We do know his powers have holes though.

1. He can change people's memories and warp their opinions... but he can't actually change things that already happened (Evidence: Birth records, marriage records)

2. Characters are only warped to the degree that he needs them to be to get what he wants. The Mane Six are still mostly themselves, just completely obsessed and in love with Anon, but the minor villains have all been broken into crude mockeries of themselves and have their petty grudges with the Mane Six blown up. (Evidence: Discord's interactions with others)

3. If someone or something isn't important enough, or if Anon lacks knowledge about it, it doesn't change. Griffonstone is still a hole, Blueblood knows what Equestria's true history with Discord was like, Spike still gives his all to help his friends. (Evidence: Discord's interactions with others, Discord's travels outside Equestria.)

4 Anon obviously isn't just picking and choosing what changes. His powers have had some vastly negative impacts on Equestria that he likely never intended. (Evidence: The police not believing Discord when he reports being sexually abused, various stallions stressing out over having to be in the closet).

The key weakness to Anon's powers seems to be that they're excessively sloppy, only focused on making him happy and giving him an exciting story to be the star of. Everyone else just gets their memories and emotions punted around so that can happen. The key to his loss definitely sits in one of those blind spots. Something that will break the narrative so hard his powers can't just put it back together.

[Captain Wuzz]

No, I'm not telling you why Discord suddenly got an editor or who it is. Tune in next time and maybe you'll find out.

Well I'm certainly VERY intrigued, especially since the editor has paws.

There are moments – flickering things, the single pulse of a reverse firefly wiping out the light in my heart for a second or two

I love this line.

Which was oddly soothing. I haven't sucked my tail on a regular basis since shortly after my mother died, which was a very very very very long time ago, but given the stress I've been under and what a bad idea it is to let myself get drunk too often, maybe I should do it more often.

This and the comment about the circus and pain make me feel so bad for Discord. He's a bastard, but he could have turned out so much worse given what he went through. Though I suspect Celestia had a lot to do with stemming any further horribleness that might have happened to his psyche if she hadn't been there.

Also, is this accurate, because if so...WOW!

s10.postimg.org/wizx9lzex/holycrap.png

[howard035]

6838158 I guess it depends on how Anon's powers act. We don't know Anon can't be killed, we know Discord can't kill him, but the question there is: Is that because his powers activate instantly without his knowledge to stop any threat against his life? Or is it because Anon views Discord as his arch nemesis, so his powers are constantly on guard against Discord, and to a lesser extent everyone he views as a threat. If the former is true, then trying to kill him is impossible, but if the latter is true, a surprise attack from an unexpected source could work.

Interesting idea you suggest about breaking the narrative. It does seem like there are 2 Anons: The dopey character with the sword, and the behind-the-scenes author of everything that is the actual threat. Perhaps "breaking the narrative" would cause the latter to get bored with a world that doesn't fit his preconceptions, causing him to throw up his hands and leave the hapless character to his fate.

[Dastardly Hun]

200% less time

Give it a few zeroes, as 200% only means 2 times (and I presume Gilda is a tad bit younger than that)

Also, our new editor have pawwriting, not clawwriting, so even Angel Bunny can be a canditate (though I am also hoping for Spike). Maybe Angel can become the bearer of Hatred? It would be kinda fitting.

[alarajrogers]

6840445
Oh yeah, I know that. But it's a recurring part of my headcanon that Discord is really bad at math. :-) He once subtracted 5 from 12 and got 6. Admittedly he was feverish at the time, but still.

[Bed Head]

6840445

I'd give Angel Cruelty myself...

On the other hand, that'd lead to an Angel Bunny with evil powers. Not sure Discord is that desperate. Yet.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Yeesh. Your blog post made it clear how hard it must be for Discord's editor. Though now I find myself wondering who and even what he or she is, especially given the mention of paws.

That is one of the most exquisite origin stories for the Flimflam brothers that I've ever heard. I can only hope that they have an uncle who tries to sell monorails to gullible communities.

That is how important a properly sorted library is to Twilight. Even Anon isn't safe during the peak of her pique. I wonder if that principle can be extended into something greater, some disruption so heinous that not even the Gary Stu field can compensate for it. Of course, then I have to wonder what the consequences of such an act would be.

I'm with Discord on wondering about Anon out of nowhere at the worst possible time. That seems like some grade-A metanarrative bull honkery right there... or the Elements of Disharmony somehow biting Discord in the rear. Improbable, but conceivable.

Speaking of interesting backstories, I'm greatly intrigued by that offhand mention of Screwball.

Ah yes, the plight of the trickster archetype. When nearly all of your combat experience is in avoiding or escaping fights, having no choice but to participate in one is not going to end well. At least, not before getting a griffin sifu. It's nice to see a constructive use of minions. Heck, recruiting Spike, Anon's dragon-shaped blind spot, may be the best move Discord can make at this juncture.

Eagerly looking forward to more, especially during the stretch when more pressing concerns will keep Anon half a continent away from our not-the-hero.

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

6838255

Interesting idea you suggest about breaking the narrative. It does seem like there are 2 Anons: The dopey character with the sword, and the behind-the-scenes author of everything that is the actual threat.

He knows too much, send in alpha team!

But it really is my personal take on the story as well. Granted alarajrogers has told us that it takes inspiration from bad seventh element fics (which would normally be a questionable source, but since it's being told from the other side...) so I could just be thinking too meta and reading this story without a suspension of disbelief.

[Bed Head]

6842793

6838255

Pretty sure the author explained as much in an earlier comment. The major difference between Anon's set up and an actual poorly-written Gary Stu fic is that the Author!Anon is intrinsically linked to Character!Anon.

In other words, if Ch!Anon dies then A!Anon does as well. Normally the cliche would be the story ending when the human sacrifices himself to save everybody and is remembered as Equestria's savior. A!Anon doesn't want to die though, so he'll always find a way for Ch!Anon to survive even when he shouldn't. See the sadistic choice game for a perfect example.

Really, Anon's powers make me think of something from the World of Darkness series of tabletop games. The newest one coming out is Beast: the Primordial where the major enemies are called Heroes. They're humans who have gained supernatural power to hunt down and kill mythical monsters (represented by the players), and can even twist the story in their favor by giving the players crippling weaknesses (like being prone to violent, irrational anger or vulnerability to a certain weapon). They even see things through the "I'm the hero and everything I do is right" lens that Anon seems to, and can force that perception on others in order to gain support from normal people.

Of course, in Beast, the situation is both better and worse. Better because Heroes can't fully warp reality or people's memories, just charm them into following and helping them. Worse because Heroes will not stop no matter what when it comes to killing a Beast. Anon, at the very least, does seem dedicated to protecting the Mane Six from Discord. A Hero wouldn't hesitate to use them as bait or a sacrificial lamb in order to trap and kill Discord.

Now, I rambled a bit there, but that's because the connection is kind of relevant. The only way to break a Hero's power is to break the story. You have to change things so much, go so hard against the meta-narrative that the Hero wants to follow, that they're reduced to a side character in someone else's story. He's "Not the Hero" anymore, he's just another schmuck who needs rescuing.

So, even though my original Crystal Empire theory seems to have fallen through, I'm gonna wager it has to do with that. Somehow, in someway, Discord either has to beat Anon so badly that the story turns into one about how the God of Chaos conquered the world and oh yeah there might have been some stupid human that foolishly tried to stop him OR, somebody else has to stop Discord and steal Anon's place in the story as "The Hero who stopped the Avatar of Chaos".