Dusk
Chapter 1: Dusk
Lost.
Sunset Shimmer had lost everything. Her reputation was ruined, her power over the students was broken, and her self-worth was shattered. The crown's magic had brought out the fiend within her, and once unleashed, it had nearly killed Twilight. But she'd been defeated. Twilight's new friends, five of Sunset's previous targets, had joined together in defiance of the would-be queen. And after she'd lied, cheated, and manipulated for days to get to that one moment, what was the result? A few minutes of absolute power before the rug got pulled out from under her. That was all it had taken. Before, they'd all trembled whenever she walked by. A gaze in their direction brought forth hasty excuses and pleas for safety. A few angry words and the tears would start flowing. But now, the only one crying was her. Humiliated in front of everyone and blasted into a crater, she didn't think things could possibly get any worse.
Not for the first time, she was wrong.
Monster.
The word echoed over and over in her mind. That was what she was now; a nightmarish creature that parents warned their children about. At least before, she could pretend. A plastic crown and her picture on the wall each year had let her forget, just for a moment, her failure as Celestia's student. But like Twilight had said, everyone had seen the real her that night; now she had nowhere to hide.
I'm so sorry. I never wanted this.
It was true. She didn't know what she'd expected to happen when she'd put on the crown, but becoming a demon certainly wasn't part of it. Neither was the pain. With how badly the transformation had torn her body apart, she shuddered to think what would have happened if they'd taken too long to save her.
As damaged as her body was, it was nothing compared to her mind. Because below the surface, that monster had still been her. It had still had her goals, her ambition, and her anger against Twilight. The magic had just amplified them. Popularity had become adoration. Power lust had became domination. Resentment had became contempt. And that was what horrified her beyond all else.
Is that how I would have ended up? Was I turning into that all along?
It wasn't hard to imagine. By pressing just the right buttons, student and staff alike had became putty in her hands. Manipulating their miserable lives to her whim had been all too easy. Physical force was just another step up, and she wouldn't put it past herself. That didn't qualify her as a demon per say, but delinquent wasn't much of an improvement.
She'd nearly found that out the hard way.
"Do you understand what you've done?" A few days after the Fall Formal found Sunset Shimmer in the main office facing a very angry pair of principals.
"I, um, made Fall Formal more exiting?" She gave the lamest grin she could, but the usual tactics no longer bore fruit.
Luna began listing the offenses on her fingers. "Destruction of property, endangering the lives of the other students, framing another student, assaulting another student, and I don't even know how to classify your little harpy stunt."
She continued. "We've been going crazy trying to keep the authorities from shutting down the school. Had to tell them some wild story about an exploding gas main. Though perhaps I am wondering if we should have told them about you."
"What? No, you can't do that." Risk of expulsion was one thing. Getting the police involved was another. The law was a lot stricter here than in Equestria, and she wasn't ready to deal with that yet.
"Give. Us. One. Good. Reason. Why. Not." The vice-principal ground her teeth together. "The way I see it, this is more than enough to send you straight to the juvenile detention center. Hopefully far enough away that you can't do any more damage."
"N-n-no. No-no-no-no please. I can't go to jail. I won't survive past the first day. Please don't send me there."
But she had no defense. During the past three years she'd spent at CHS, not once had she ever cared about someone besides herself. Instead, she'd forced her way to the top of the school and cut down everyone around her to stay there. They'd never believe that she was anything more than a blight on humankind. And that knowledge humbled her more than anything they could say.
Celestia spoke up. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
She bowed her head. "Nothing."
The two adults exchanged glances before turning back towards her. Luna snapped her fingers.
"Then, it's settled. Pack up your things and get ready. You're going to prison."
The words slammed down like a judge's gavel. All other thoughts and feelings drained out of her body. It was all over. Unable to believe it, she trudged back to her locker. Eyes downcast, she avoided people passing by. Shame slowed her steps and made her drag herself against the lockers.
I'm going to jail. Not just detention, but an actual jail. I'm a criminal. Criminal. Criminal. Criminal. Criminal.
During her tenure as Celestia's student, she'd spent a few occasions walking through the castle dungeon. Her teacher had thought it prudent to show her the fate of those who defied Equestrian law in the hopes that Sunset would avoid the same fate. The consequences there weren't as severe as a sentence in Tartarus, but the effect was the same. But to Sunset's ever-growing regret, most of her time there had been spent imagining torments upon those she'd disliked. She never considered she'd be the one behind bars, until now.
Her musings finished, she arrived at her locker. Mechanically, she input the combination, pulled open the door, and gathered up the few possessions she could call her own: some uniforms, a collection of papers, three plastic crowns, and a dusty journal. Stuffing them into her backpack, she returned to the principal's office. When she got there, she found Twilight's five friends waiting for her.
The words "Juvenile Detention" were all it took for them to understand everything. Before she could stop them, they opened the door to the office.
Upon seeing the newcomers, both women did double-takes. "What's the meaning of this?"
"Principal Celestia, ma'm. Please don't send Sunset Shimmer away. She shouldn't have to go to jail no matter what sort of bad and awful things she might have done."
That called forth a raised eyebrow. "You're defending her? But didn't she drive you all apart?"
"Yes she did." Rainbow Dash stepped forward. "But after the Fall Formal, Princess Twilight decided to leave Sunset in our care before she left."
Applejack took over. "Sure, we had our doubts. But if Twilight's willing to give her a chance, then we should too. She brought us back together and saved the school. Don't that count for something?"
"I suppose it does." Luna grumbled. "So are you taking responsibility for her then?"
"Absolutely." They all said at once.
"Very well then," Celestia passed down her verdict. "Sunset Shimmer is hereby on academic probation until further notice. And I want you five to notify me immediately of any future incidents. Understand?"
They all nodded, and the six of them headed into the hallway. Feeling both grateful and guilty, Sunset muttered a 'thank you' to the girls before running off.
Gee, I've been saved by Twilight, how swell.
She'd thought that would be the end of it; and at first, it seemed to be. Things seemed to be, well no, normal wasn't the right word at all. Things weren't normal. They could never be normal again. The glares she got from people around her were proof enough of that. But despite that, a fragile calm hung over the school. She walked too and from her classes each day, trying to blend in as much as possible. At lunch, she'd sit in the very back of the cafeteria. And once the last bell rang, she'd bolt out the door as fast as possible, not stopping until she reached her home. It was a day by day basis, doing what she needed to in order to survive and numbing herself to anything else. Things didn't improve. In fact, they got worse.
Now that the Fall Formal was no longer recent, the last of the influence she'd once commanded was gone. And it didn't take long after that for fear to turn to anger.
(One week later.)
Swallowing a lump in her throat, Sunset opened the door to the school and let it close behind her. Every head in the hallway slowly turned towards her. Smiles became sneers. Glances became glares. She wilted under the force of so many eyes and directed her gaze into the ground. With a quiet sniffle, she slouched her way to her locker. The sticky notes plastered to it made it hard to miss.
Get out.
Piece of garbage.
Worthless
Go away.
If she were able, she'd have gone to the Principals, but that would only be an exercise in futility. Celestia treated her with all of the courtesy of three-day old sushi, which meant acting like she didn't exist most of the time, quickly changing the subject whenever Sunset sought aid, and doing all of nothing against her harassers. And Luna?
"You're not getting anything you don't deserve. After what you did, it's either this or jail. You decide."
Yeah, that door was slammed, locked, bolted, and welded shut. Putting the notes in the nearest trash can was all she could do. Thankfully, the rest of the day passed without incident, so she did her best to put it out of her mind. After all, a few nasty notes meant nothing compared to the Damocles Sword over her head. She could handle it. She had to.
(Two weeks later)
Her entire locker was covered in notes, to the point where she had to pry it open. And try as she might, she couldn't keep a few sniffles from escaping. It was only for a second, but she knew they'd heard her. There wasn't any other sound in the room. The moment she'd walked through the school doors, everyone had stopped what they were doing to glare at her. They never did anything else. She should have been relieved; after all, a few scowls didn't mean much in the big scheme of things. But...
Please just say something. ANYTHING. I feel like I'm invisible.
Taking a chance, she approached the nearest student and bumped into her as she walked by. And she wasn't even given the dignity of a disgruntled grunt. She tried again with someone else and bumped harder. Again, no response. It wasn't just the students either. Celestia's avoidance had seeped to the rest of the teachers as well. No one called on her in class, no one reacted to her raised hand, and no one said anything to her. When lunch rolled around, she found herself sitting in the back once again. She was all alone, and no one cared.
Well, no one except Twilight's friends.
Ah yes, those girls. Her five biggest targets were now her five sole supporters. Weeks of breaking them down and setting them at each others throats and it had all been undone in a single weekend. All thanks to Princess...Twilight.
The word was a single drop of water pushing her dam of emotions towards overflow.
You. So it wasn't enough for you to replace me in Equestria and blot out everything I ever did. Oh no, you had to go and pull the rug out from under me too. You took my title, my crown, and my friends underlings. And then you left me here at everyone's mercy. I may have been a selfish jerk before, but at least I had something. Now, I'm just a maggot crawling in the pile. And it's all...BECAUSE...of YOU.
"OUCH!" A sharp piercing in her clenched fist cut into her thoughts. Her eyes popped open as she smelled something burning. Tiny wisps of smoke rose up from her left hand. It had turned red and swollen to twice its usual size. Tiny little claws poked out of her fingertips.
No. NO! Don't do this. Not here. Not now. Revert. Revert. Revert. Revert!
After a few tense seconds and some deep breathing, her hand shrank back down. She moved to massage it with her other hand and hissed at how burnt it felt. Closing her eyes again, she slammed her head down on the table.
Please. Not again. Once was more than enough.
After that scare, the rest of the day was uneventful so she tried to forget about it. Besides, a few notes and the silent treatment still didn't match up to prison. She could handle it. She had to.
(Three weeks later)
Sunset stepped through the doors of the school, arms huddled around her. As was becoming routine, the students all turned to glare. There was so much paper on her locker that she couldn't open it at all. With slumped shoulders and bowed head, she trudged her way to the locker room. Today, she had to go to gym class, a prospect which gave her mixed feelings. On one hand, that meant the other students would be too busy doing their own work to mess with her; but on the other hand, that meant spending time in the locker room, away from what little protection the adults had to offer.
Oh listen to yourself, Sunny. You act like they're gonna attack you. Doesn't matter what you did in the past, they'd never be that blatant.
Even so, she changed her clothes as fast as she could and hurried into the gymnasium.
Ms. Harshwhinny was right through the doorway, directing students to the jogging track. Twilight's friends were there too: Rarity and Rainbow were already jogging, Fluttershy was gulping down a bottle of water, Applejack was doing warm-up exercises next to her, and Pinkie Pie....
"Eeeeeeeee-HUHHHHHHHHHHH. Eeeeeeeeee-HUHHHHHHHHHH. Eeeeeeee-HUHHHHHHHHHH." ...was lying on the floor and desperately trying to rejuvenate her poor, burning lungs.
Eesh, you really need to work on your endurance.
"Goodbye cruel world." Pinkie flopped around like a fish on dry land. "Tell Maud that I've always loved her. Poor Marble will have to find the strength to carry on without me. Dear sweet Gummy, do you remember the way to the--ohhiSunsetShimmer!" Her death throes forgotten, she jumped up at the sight of the new arrival. Sunset, in turn, blushed a bit at the call and scurried over beside them. "How are you doing today?"
"Fine." The word came out sharp and curt. Pinkie took a step back.
"Ya sure about that?" AJ joined the conversation. "Ah mean. Ah saw you sitting all by yourself yesterday and--"
"Yes, I'm sure." Sunset suddenly found herself taking great interest in studying the floorboards. The other two waited for her to continue but she didn't. Silence held their tongues as courtesy battled concern.
"Uh, no offense Sugarcube," Applejack began rubbing her arm. "But we're not stupid. Do ya really expect us ta believe you're not bothered by everything that's happened?"
"Of course I'm not bothered," huffed Sunset, raking her fingernails across her left arm. "Why should I be bothered? Sure, I'm the school pariah, but it's nothing I didn't expect. It's just like Princess Twilight said. Everyone saw me at my absolute worst, and they're not going to look beyond it. So it doesn't really matter if I'm bothered or not."
Pinkie jumped in quickly. "Don't say that. Everyone else may think that, but we don't. We can help you."
"With what? Sleepovers? Hugs? A party? Friendship can't solve this problem. Nothing can." Snapping her head up, Sunset accidentally caught the girl's eyes. Bereft of their usual sparkle, they contained only sorrow.
"S-S-Sunset. How do you know friendship won't help if...if...." Pinkie choked on her words.
"If what?"
"...If you won't even give it a chance?"
The words were a knife stabbing through Sunset's heart. All her thoughts and feelings faded away as they sunk in. So without a response, all she could do was turn away. The jogging track was still there, so she threw herself into it. She ran and she ran and she ran and she ran. She felt her shoes pounding the floor, her heart beating in her chest, and the sweat forming on her skin. She ran nonstop for a full half-hour before the bell rang. While everyone else headed to the locker room, she stayed behind.
'Give friendship a chance?' How can I? Why would anyone want to be friends with me?
The locker room was almost empty when she returned. Just a few scattered girls changing or chatting. So she decided to take a refreshing shower. Without a second thought, she stripped naked and let the water flow over her. How good it felt: warm, soothing, and comforting after everything she'd been through. Grabbing a nearby bar of soap, she lathered herself and washed up thoroughly. Even after she was clean, she stayed under the stream with her eyes closed, allowing herself to finally relax.
Her relief lasted approximately ten seconds.
"Hello Sunset Shimmer."
The warmth of the shower instantly vanished as the Great and Powerful Trixie entered the room. Herself equally undressed, she sneered at her like a cobra about to strike.
"Hey Trixie." Sunset pursed her lips shut and tried not to make eye contact.
The sneer turned into a scowl. "Don't 'hey Trixie' me. Did you get my little presents this morning?"
"Presents? You mean the notes? Those were you?"
"Only today's. Trixie just wanted to add her personal touch to the rest."
"And yet, you wrote more notes today than anyone else has in a week. What did I ever do to you?"
Trixie crossed her arms. "You stole my place as the school's Princess, left me stuck in a locker last month, and turned me into your mindless slave. And those are just the most recent offenses. And yet thanks to Princess Twilight, you got off without so much as a slap on the wrist."
"That's not true!" Sunset bolted up. "Luna threatened to--" She smacked a hand over her mouth. The LAST thing anyone needed to know about was juvie. "She threatened to expel me."
"But that's the thing." Trixie moved closer. "Even expulsion would be too good for you. You'd be out of our hair sure, but you'd also be free to spread your disease somewhere else. Though I'm sure you'd fit right in at Crystal Prep. But regardless, nothing those two could think up would ever match your crimes."
"So what then?"
By now, Trixie was inches away. Sunset felt a shudder pass through her exposed body.
"Since the principals didn't punish you, we will instead. If you thought the silent treatment was as bad as it got, you have no idea what we're capable of." She raised her arm, and Sunset blanched back. But instead of punching her, Trixie just plucked her forehead.
"Ow."
"See you around, Sunny." With that, Trixie left the room. Sunset waited a few minutes until she was completely gone and went to the changing area.
Only to find her storage locker was open.
Oh no. No no no no no no no.
Her heart sank when she looked inside. Her duffel bag was gone. She peeled her eyes and looked through every unlocked locker she could, but came up fruitless. Her bag was gone and so were her clothes.
"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!"
Wrapping herself in a soggy towel, she fled the school and ran straight home. Passers by stopped to either laugh or gawk. Her face a mixture of shame and anger, she avoided them as best she could. Utterly humiliated, she finally made it to back, dressed herself, and spent the rest of the evening in a funk.
Stealing her clothes was a big step up, but it still wasn't the worst they could do. And as long as it was better than prison, she'd keep going. It didn't matter what they did. She could handle it.
Right?
Things didn't improve. In fact, they escalated just like Trixie had said. Week four found Sunset with her lunch ruined, bike vandalized, locker welded shut, and herself spray painted. Week five saw her hair set on fire, homework sabotaged, wallet stolen, and a death threat sent. Twilight's friends offered their support, but she refused, not wanting to drag them down with her. Even so, she pressed on, but it was becoming apparent that she couldn't handle it.
She found that out for certain on week six.
The students had been unusually quiet that day. Some of them had smiled at her while they walked past. Sunset even got a note from Lyra and Bon-Bon asking her to sit with them at lunch. Twilight's friends had been relieved, taking comfort in the fact that maybe the worst was behind them. Feeling a little more confident, Sunset decided to head to lunch early that day.
"But don't you remember? We were going to eat outside today." Fluttershy had reminded her.
"You can still do that. Don't stop on my account."
"But what if something bad happens again? How will we know if you need help?"
Sunset wondered if Fluttershy knew the difference between concern and paranoia. "If I need help, I'll give a high-pitched scream. Sheesh."
"But what if--"
"No more what ifs. They're finally starting to accept me. I just can't say no now."
Flutters was about to speak again, but held her tongue at the sight of her friend. Sunset's entire body trembled. Her hair was a mess of disheveled, stringy strands. Dark circles had appeared around her eyes. Her fingernails were chipped and uneven. Her teeth were stained with last night's dinner; she hadn't bothered to brush. Tiny patches of dirt had appeared on her skin. Even her breathing was shallow and quick.
"Y-Y-You don't understand, Fluttershy. You don't know what it's like having everyone at the school wishing you were dead. Every time they glare at me, I just want to crawl under a rock somewhere. There are some days where I have to pry myself out of bed, because I don't want to deal them again. I can't even retaliate or Miss Luna will send me away. It's been a constant slog of pain." she clutched the note to her chest like it was her firstborn child. "But now, things are finally looking up. That's why I have to go." And without another word, Sunset headed to the cafeteria. Fluttershy watched her go, a frown on her face, before returning to the others outside.
Rather than sit in the back like she usually did, Sunset decided to buy the cafeteria lunch instead. It was a little odd that no one was in line, but she just chalked that up to being early. Yet when she got to the front, she found that the food was almost gone. She wrinkled her nose.
That's weird. The school only serves vegetarian food on Friday. Since when does everyone want to chow down on health food?
Still, there was just enough left for her to scrape up a meal, so she wasn't complaining. Glancing around the room, she saw Lyra and Bon-Bon sitting at the appointed table in the very center of the room. They turned towards her and waved, beckoning her to join them. Grinning, she walked over to them and sat down.
"Hey girls. How's it going?"
And then the room erupted.
The two grabbed their plates and ran to the other side of the room. A confused Sunset turned to watch them flee, just in time to get smacked by a gooey tomato.
"Hey! What?"
Before she could do anything, half a grapefruit hit her back. Then, some orange slices smashed into her face. Blinded by the citrus, she tried to wipe her eyes only for a banana to splatter over the seat of her pants. The students converged on her from all sides, pelting her with more and more fruit. Trapped in the center, she had nowhere to hide.
"C-cut it out!"
Her words fell on deaf ears as an apple struck one of them. Clutching it, she felt several pieces of pineapple seep all over her socks. Her hair was already covered in juice, and the rest of her quickly followed suit.
"Ow! Stop it! Enough with the fruit!"
"Oh, so she doesn't like the fruit then?" One of them turned to the others. "Well, let's give her the vegetables instead."
"Wait. No. Aaaugh!" But they didn't stop. The pelting continued relentlessly. Whenever she tried to run, the angry teens would simply shove her back to the center and keep throwing. Tossed back and forth like a pinball, she lost her balance and fell on the floor. She just lay there, unable to do anything else. "Please. S-stop it." Where were the adults or the staff? Why weren't they coming to help? Were they just going to sit back and watch the attack?
No longer content with just food, they starting hurling insults as well.
"No one wants you here anymore."
"Good luck getting anyone to vote for you ever again."
"Demon begone! Demon begone! Demon begone!"
"Why don't you just crawl in a hole and die?"
Blinded, soaked, and covered in food, she was struggling not to cry. She tried to stand up, but they knocked her down again. She could feel bruises and welts forming from the endless bombardment. Little stings of pain pulsed through her body like a swarm of bees. Her clothes had soaked through completely and now clung to her body in a sweaty, sticky, mess. Finally managing to get the orange out of her eyes, she risked a moment to look around the room. The girls were nowhere in sight. All she could see were students, throwing produce and spewing bile. Her head ached from the constant strikes. And still, no one helped her. No one showed her any pity. No one stepped up to defend her from these brutes.
It wasn't fair! They hadn't laid a finger on her before the Fall Formal. They'd all been too scared to stand up for themselves. But now, now that she was actually trying to change, now that she wasn't a bully anymore, now that she no longer posed a threat, now they converged in force. They didn't listen. They wouldn't even give her a chance. She might as well have never changed at all.
As the last of their ammo was finally depleted, the students' produce pelting petered out. Taking a few steps back, they all stared at Sunset. She just lay there, shuddering on the floor, while they continued to stare. Now that the heat of the moment was over, they waited for her response. Would it be anger? A childish temper tantrum born from the bitter taste of her own medicine? Or maybe it would be fear? The frightened whimpers of the former bully would be a beautiful sound indeed. Or maybe, just maybe, she'd make the best sound of all. Maybe she'd cry. Yes, the symbol of a broken spirit. At best, she would never live it down, forever known throughout the halls of Canterlot High as "Crybaby Sunset." At worst, it would stand as a monument to her humiliation for the rest of her life. Even her precious friends wouldn't be able to save her from that. Yes, yes, that would be perfect. So as Sunset finally stopped shuddering and stood up, each member of the student body tuned their ears in her direction, waiting for the first sobs to escape.
They didn't. Sunset's eyes snapped open. And they glowed bright green.
"You." Her voice had dropped several octaves and came out as a raspy hiss. "You think this is FUNNY? Turning me into your little CHEW TOY?"
"Oh no."
With a gesture of her arm, the scattered food rose into the air and circled overhead. Through the cafeteria windows, they saw that the weather outside was changing too. Large, black clouds covered the sun and filled the sky. The sound of thunder boomed nearby. Visibility lowered with the loss of the sun, although the lights remained on. A few scared students ran for the door only for it to jam itself shut.
Sunset gave another hiss from a mouthful of fangs. Her skin was turning orange. "Is this all just a GAME to you? 'Let's all attack the girl who won't fight BACK? Let's give her grief and torment her nonstop'? I get it. Maybe you want a little payback. Maybe Sunset Shimmer deserves a little retribution after what she did. But SIX. BLASTED. WEEKS? Don't you have anything better to do?"
A bolt of lightning briefly lit up the room, illuminating a sea of sweaty faces. Her ears turned pointed. Her fingers grew longer. The air in the room became very hot.
"Apparently not." She sneered. "Sunset's just too juicy a target for your greedy little hands to pass up. What a shame. Because there are SO MANY different ways I can return the favor." The green glow in her eyes briefly changed into a spiral before switching back. "With a flick of a finger, you'd be mine once again." She strolled up to Lyra, the closest student, and tapped the center of her forehead. Quickly, Lyra's limbs went limp and her face glazed over as the green spiral appeared in her eyes too. "I could take a page from the Ancient Romans and turn you all into my gladiators." Sunset snapped her fingers, now fully formed claws, and chuckled as a small flame appeared in her palm. "Or maybe I could finish what I started at the Fall Formal and burn this whole school to the ground. It would be easy now that Princess Twilight's not here to save you."
A series of gasps swept over the room. Those who hadn't braced themselves against the walls or curled up on the floor just stood there frozen. The zombified Lyra tipped over onto the ground. A small trickle of drool slipped out of her mouth.
"I know." Sunset clasped her claws together as her hair caught on fire. "It would be a shame to let all this good food go to waste. So I think I'll share it with you. The fruit and veggies stopped circling. Now, they hung precariously overhead. "But wait." She paused. "That wouldn't be right. That wouldn't be right at all."
A few sighs of relief made themselves heard.
"You were only going to give these to Sunset Shimmer, right? So instead, I think I'll give these to one of you too? But which one would it be?" Her glowing green eyes swept over the room, searching for the right target. Which one of you had this brilliant idea in the first place? Who is the ringleader of this little operation?"
By now, the transformation was nearly complete. Her lack of wings was the only thing separating human from demon. The entire student body trembled and whimpered. Some of them tried the door again with no result. Seconds passed. A downpour started outside. A few cracks appeared on the windows. Sunset stopped smiling and tapped her foot instead. Her mouth opened again, the fangs inside clenched together.
"So. Nobody knows? Is it loyalty or cowardice that keeps your tongues silent? Doesn't matter. One of you is eating their fill regardless. You just control which one it is." The food above them dived downwards, forcing them flat on their backs to avoid it. "I'll ask you one more time before I pick someone at random. WHOSE. IDEA. WAS THIS?"
All of them crawled backwards, as far back as they could possibly go. All except one girl, who got to her feet and stepped forward.
"It w-w-was m-me. I started it." Her skin was dark blue. Her hair was white. And the outfit she wore would not have looked out of place at a circus.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie? Of course. Now it all makes sense. The minor attacks against Sunset weren't enough, so you went big to appease the demands of your own ego. You know that thing's gonna squish you one day, right?"
Trixie's voice continued to quiver. "You w-wanted the l-leader of this nasty p-p-plot, and here I am. Do with me as you will."
Sunset pretended to gag. "Oh please. You act like I'm going to kill you. I'm not."
"You're not? But you said--"
"Yes, I could burn the school to the ground. But I won't. Don't mistake that for kindness though. It's just that there are pains far worse than mere death. For example, I can set you on fire and make it so you don't die. EVER. It's nothing less than what you and your little cohorts deserve. But right now, you'll just have to settle for all this food." Another gesture and the produce clustered around Trixie. "Let's start with this smashed banana. Do you like bananas?"
"Well actually, I'm not too partial to--MMUMPH!" Trixie wasn't able to finish before the banana shot into her mouth, peel and all. The girl immediately started hacking and choking as she tried to hoark it down. Sunset laughed at the sight and added more to the mix. Oranges, apples, pineapples, lettuce, spinach, asparagus, celery, and even Lima beans. She crammed them all into Trixie's mouth, far more than the girl could ever hope to swallow in time. By the time she'd finished, Trixie's face was fit to bursting. She could barely breathe, and her cheeks hurt so much that she couldn't even chew.
All right then. So which one of you is NEXT?"
She turned around to select her next victim. But just as she was about to do so, a loud banging noise rang through the room. At first, everyone thought it was the thunder outside. But no, the noise came again.
"What's going on here?" Sunset growled. The rest of the students were equally confused. They all looked up as the noise rang out a third time, and the jammed cafeteria doors finally gave way.
WHAM!
"What?"
While everyone else ran out of the new opening, Twilight's five friends entered the room. One look at the situation was all it took.
"Sunset Shimmer, what do you think you're DOING?!"
Seeing the looks on their faces, Sunset took a step back and growled. Don't patronize me, Fluttershy. It's no less than what they deserve."
The wind outside whipped and howled. They could all hear the windows groaning from the onslaught.
Rarity stepped forward. "You have to stop this. What they've done to you isn't right but lashing out like this won't make it better."
"Neither will being a punching bag." Sunset clenched one of her claws. "I'm done getting pushed around, you understand? Six weeks is more than enough time. If they're never going to accept me, then I'm not wasting my time trying. Might as well write myself off as insane."
"That's a lie, and you know it." It was Rainbow Dash's turn. "If you really didn't care," she pointed at Trixie, "then why did you only go after her instead of everyone else too? Before, you would have targeted the students all at once, but you're not doing it now."
"S-Shut up! You don't know what you're saying."
"Yes we do." Pinkie added. "You're upset that they lied to you, and you've lost hope. But it's not over, Sunset. We're still here for you just like Twilight was."
"NO!" A pair of wings tore out of her back. "Twilight's not here now. And I'm tired of waiting." Raising her hands, she poured her energy upwards, forming it into a giant fireball.
"Sunset please don't do this."
"My NAME is SEARING!" The charge reached its maximum. Grabbing it with both hands, she prepared to throw it. There was no way to dodge. She pulled her arms back...
"Sunset."
And shot them forward.
"Don't be the monster they think you are!" The girls all grouped together, shielding themselves as best they could.
Sunset slammed on the brakes, tightened her grip on the fireball before it could leave her hands, and brought all of her forward momentum to a halt. She stared at first the frightened girls and then at herself. The storm outside vanished as fast as flicking a light switch. The sunshine returned. Both Lyra's and Trixie's ailments magically vanished, and the two of them fled the scene. Sunset dismissed the fireball and stood down. Her transformation reverted back almost instantly. The girls looked at her; relief battled with fear.
"I...I..."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm so sorry." Then before they could stop her, she turned and bolted.
"Sunset!"
"Sunny WAIT!"
"We're not mad at you!"
"Come back!"
Jamming her hands in her ears, she kept running. She ran out the front door, past the statue, and to the sidewalk. She ran past shocked drivers and scared pedestrians, not caring if she nearly got hit in the process. She ran all the way back to her home, collapsed on her bed, and finally let the tears flow.
It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. I'm a--I'm a--MONSTER!
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First of all, congratulations on publishing your first story! It certainly doesn't get any easier from here, but I assure you that it'll be worth it.
Sunset Shimmer is definitely a character worth telling stories about, and I'd love to see your take on her redemption. Go ahead and keep going - I, for one, would like to know what's in those letters!
I like redemption stories and I love sunset shimmer woo of my favorite combinations equal for a good read.
keep going
This definitely has the potential to be a good story.
Continue I say!
s6.postimg.org/5ul2jmext/continue_Monkey.jpg
Please...do go on.
~ Super-Brony12
Very well. I'll bite.
Keep the story rolling,Sunset Shimmer is a must see in this story
Even with all the things she's done
I admit; I did NOT like Shimmer. But... when I saw one of the short clips when she was in gym-hall, I felt something for her. And the way she is portrayed in this story just make me want to hug her. Comfort her. So what if she deserve all hate? She have a right to redeem herself.
You got this down, great story telling by the way.
I've got concersn with Rainbow Rocks on things. So continue on and do one thing EQ1 didn't do but should have. Let us know where the human Twilight and Sunset are.
I love Sunset Shimmer redemption stories and doubly so when they're so well written. It's the first one I read where princess Celestia herself comes to see her, too.
Some nouns could be swapped for pronouns but they don't dminish the story.
I suggest you mention why Celestia didn't come back until now in the next chapters, even if it's something as obvious as 'she didn't know what to expect' or 'she thought it should be Sunset Shimmer's decision to return, not hers.'
I like these lines;
'nausea gripped her stomach.'
'she dared the slightest of glimpses toward her elder’s face.'
'Sunset felt her heart begin to rev up as her brow became moist with sweat; yet despite her knocking knees, the words still managed to form on her tongue.'
and
'She cried too.'
Corrections;
I suggest you add a space before 'Sunset remembered.' in the first paragraph
and
the comma after 'Fear had suddenly turned to anger' should be a period.
Yes
Keep going!
Please? Pretty please with whatever you want on top?
Totally reading this. Anyone else hyped for the new EqG movie tomorrow?
Aw love it! Keep going :)
The only part I could find that needs editing is in the description, where you put "But most of the others refuse to accept her?" as a question.
It's pretty easy to fix though, put a comma after the word "redemption" change the capital b to a small b, and the question mark to a full stop, that part can just join the original sentence fine :)
Sunset Shimmer stories seems to be few and far between, especially redemption ones. Seems like you've got a pretty great set up going so please, continue :)
Please keep it up. This looks interesting and promising.
This is really impressive, especially for a first time writer. Please continue
KEEP GOING!!! WHAT'S IN THE LETTERS?!?!
This is certainly off to a good start; please keep going!
Geez. I've never gotten this much feedback on my FAN-fiction account. I guess the brony community really is one of love and friendship. Your support is really appreciated
I love this so far
Sunset is easily the best pony in my opinion
This is amazing!
Can't wait to see more!
Hmmm.
On the one hand, this felt rushed. I feel like it could have easily been another couple thousand words longer for more character development.
On the other hand, what you have is an interesting start.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/421/566/93b.jpg
Feels list:
Angry at students for basically abusing Sunset with their words
Sad because Sunset is so sad
Sweet story so far, I really want to see where this goes! This was bugging me though:
If she's wallowing in self pity, she's not going to put herself on the list of enemies. Rather than have her tell us that she hates herself, make it implied. Also, the "suddenly" in "Fear had suddenly turned to anger" actually slows down the pace and makes it less sudden. Instead, replace "had suddenly" with "quickly" and speed it up by two syllables, or 50%.
I won't pretend to be a good writer in any sense of the phrase, but to me at least that flows better.
Princess Celestia seems rather a little out of character here, barging in and then scolding Sunset like that. The first chapter could definitely have used another thousand words altogether in giving the two of them a little bit better characterisation, and perhaps a longer chat, before Princess Celestia starts crying at the end of the chapter. Apparently Celestia talked to some of the other students, too, prior to seeing Sunset, so there's an opening.
Nice re-release!
6491591 How about this?
That works a lot better. The only real nitpick I would have is that usually most schools have cameras in a cafeteria, and at least one teacher on patrol at all time, so something like a one-sided food fight wouldn't happen
6523689 They don't have that at my school.
Poor Sunset. I know what she did was wrong but what they're doing to her is capitol punishment. Princess Celestia has every right to be mad and sad at Sunset. I can't wait to read more.
I can't be the first person to notice this. Surely not.
As has been said by others, not a bad beginning. A little fast paced, and some pretty simple punctuation / other grammatical errors about, but... not bad. I'll see what the future holds.
7002485 Can I get some details too?
7002663 Words not working... Mind completely blown...
Now that I've finally gotten the hang of pacing, my next mountain to climb is the illusive Show Don't Tell.
7017194 Are you editing or something? I go through my bookshelf occasionally and I know this was a multichapter complete before
7031142 Not editing. Rewriting. As good as it was before, I think it can be better.
7031142 So, any thoughts on the new chapter, Oh Man of Many Comments?
7040431 You fool, you don't know what you've done.
It's a good thing I actually leave somewhat detailed comments sometimes, so I vaguely recall what happened in the original first chapter and the modification you made. I think the lunchroom scene happened in the original story too but later on, but it suffers from the same problems: it's too 'big' a climatic scene. Any two-bit school will have cameras in any large gathering areas, which a cafeteria area definitely qualifies as. Plus we see in Equestria Girls that Granny Smith is actually serving food to the students. Presumably the students lured her and any other food servers out of the cafeteria but there needs to be a line about Sunset noting their absence. But the big problem is that the students can't hide something like that.
Obviously it wasn't a well-thought plan on their part, and they're high school students, which fiction says we can make as stupid as humanly possible and nobody will really question it, but the problem still remains that you run into real-life consequences: there's no way this can be covered up. You have easily dozens, maybe hundreds of students, one or two of them will feel guilty and snitch or camera evidence. News will get out, and the police will be coming in, handing out misdemeanors by the dozen at a minimum. Celestia and Luna will be asked about it and if Sunset had reported any past altercations. Since that's the truth, the principals will be asked how they let it get that far. Plot armour can go to some length as per Sunset turning into a demon in the movie and still being in school and not immediately thrown into a government lab and dissected, but just because the EG movies have shitty hand-waves to brush aside logic doesn't mean you should do the same.
I wonder if Trixie actually was the mastermind behind the whole thing, or if she decided to play the martyr for whatever reason even though she appears to legitimately be terrified of Sunset and what she thinks Demon Sunset will do to her. None of the students cracked initially, and it may be that there really was no 'mastermind', merely a person who suggested it and it snowballed out of control. On the other hand, once Sunset started to apply more pressure I'm certain somebody would have ratted someone else out.
Anyways, you removed the scene where Princess Celestia shows up, so as far as Sunset knows she's been basically completely abandoned now by Equestria, so like regular Rainbow Rocks. Since you're setting her up to be a hardcore woobie, we should be allowed to see her vent in private more, instead of having a literal six-month timeskip of 'And Sunset was tormented and tormented and tormented and she felt sad and only the Humane 5 was willing to be friends with her'. But at the same time, since you removed Princess Celestia's scene, that COULD lead to a very interesting divergence: Sunset resenting Principal Celestia as a proxy for Princess Celestia. That Principal Celestia has basically been useless, was a sliver away from having her sent to jail, and isn't really willing to put in any effort to keep Sunset from being harassed by the student body at large could cement Sunset's feelings, thinking, "Hey, Princess Celestia basically jerked me around, now Principal Celestia is basically being useless and throwing me to the wolves, Celestia in any world is an asshole". Sunset wasn't around when Princess Luna returned so Principal Luna is her own person in Sunset's mind, not a doppelganger of somepony she knew once and grew to detest.
I don't recall if it was this fic or another one I read, but Sunset basically had a real hate-on for Twilight Sparkle following the interim period between Equestria Girls and Rainbow Rocks, basically feeling that Twilight 'abandoned' her in the human world as a punishment rather than an opportunity to make amends and friends. Given the treatment at the hands of the school body here, she might yet get that here. Between this and my above comment on Celestia, you could run with that, since Sunset is basically psychologically scarred.
Six months is also a curious time-skip. Rainbow Rocks unfortunately showed us the new Friendship Castle, making it clear Rainbow Rocks takes place after Season 4. The problem is that it makes it look like the Dazzlings sat on their butts and twiddled their thumbs for a whole season before finally going to Canterlot High School (presumably they needed time to forge papers or to legitimately get transferred to CHS), with the only solace being that Equestria Girls could take place any time during Season 4 instead of in between Season 3 and 4 (to my knowledge, anyways). I'm rambling here, but my point is that since the Dazzlings will eventually enter the stage, a six month lag between them seeing the magic explosion at CHS and finally going there seems out of place. Plus, six months since the Fall Formal would place them smack dab near the end of the school year, unless you decide to make CHS a year-round school.
Six months though ties in with what I was talking about Sunset being psychologically scarred. Since you're rewriting this now, we know from Friendship Games that Crystal Prep Academy is literally a bus ride away from CHS, so Sunset could transfer to CPA or even another school, since CPA seems an 'upscale' enough establishment that I doubt it and CHS are the only high schools within public transit distance. Sunset has a place to stay and she's not fretting about her identity not holding up to a police check, so she presumably has good enough identity papers as well. So what it comes down to is either Celestia and/or Luna are threatening Sunset with calling the police if she even attempts to transfer to another school (if you make it Celestia, then this ties in with my point about the two Celestias a few paragraphs above), or Sunset CHOOSES to stay even though she gets tormented because she feels a remarkable amount of guilt. Either of those would make for a fascinating exploration.
Lastly, was that a Star Fox reference I saw in there?
Also, since you actually called me out to request a comment, I should ask you to do the same for one of my fics. Any of them. Or all of them even. I'm greedy
7642860 Thanks. You're the first new face I've seen here in eons.
I like the idea that Sunset's demon lurked under the surface, waiting to be released if Sunset gave in to her anger and narcissism.
You've earned a fave.