“So this is it eh?” Beelzeboob said as he looked all around him. It was a small apartment, upstairs, above a shop that sold magical novelties, jokes, and gags. “This is nice. Much better than anything you’d find in Jersey or New York. You know, I want to complain about something, but I really can’t find anything to bitch about,” he said.
Princess Celestia sighed, having gave up on correcting Beelzeboob for his profanity. “Your puppy will be delivered soon. I know you will be kind to it. Walk it frequently, give it exercise, and I will have special kibble delivered as well. Which reminds me, what do you eat? This is a question that should have been asked at some point. Are you omnivorous?” Celestia inquired. “Do you eat meat?”
“Oh geez lady! What do you take me for? Some kind of horrible monster? Ugh! No I don’t eat meat, that’s disgusting. I grew up on the east coast around very militant moonbat liberals!” Beelzeboob cried as he shivered. “I do eat cheese though. I eat a lotta cheese. I’m told it is because of my infernal nature. Something about my kind likes the corrupted and rotted life giving liquids of another.”
“I see,” Celestia sighed, feeling somewhat disgusted, now having a very different opinion about cheese and feeling a bit more repulsed by Beelzeboob.
“Mostly, I survived on cheese doodles, microwaved bean and cheese burritos from Seven Eleven, and cigarettes. And oh man am I jonesing for a smoke,” Beelzeboob muttered. “Oh and honey. I love honey. Delicious bee vomit on toast.”
“I will have groceries delivered to you for a while. Eventually, you will need to purchase your own. We shall have to find you a job. Secure you a means of employment. Surely you have some skills that will be desirable to somepony,” Celestia said in shuddering horror, mentally swearing to never eat honey again. “I need to go. I need to slip out of Ponyville before dawn. If I am discovered, or I shall be mobbed by my adoring subjects.”
“Keee-rist lady you sure are full of yourself,” Beelzeboob grumbled halfheartedly, having trouble saying anything bad. It still tumbled out of his lips anyway and he cringed.
“You honestly cannot help it, can you?” Celestia asked.
Beelzeboob bit down on his lip and and looked at Celestia pleadingly, not wanting to answer.
“Maybe we will find a way to help you. Even Discord, as bad as he was, has found purpose here among us, and he now knows some measure of peace,” Celestia said, looking upon Beelzeboob with pity. “Twilight Sparkle will be by to check on you regularly. I believe she plans to introduce you to her friends,” she added as she headed for the door.
“You’re not bad for a talking horse,” Beelzeboob blurted out.
Celestia smiled. “You are most welcome. You wanted to say thank you, did you not?” She pulled open the door and there was a small green mare with a raised hoof, ready to knock upon the door.
“Oh. Hello. I was going to see what the commotion was,” the green mare said as she looked up at Celestia. “Princess something or other, right?”
“Princess Celestia,” Celestia said in a faint tone of annoyance.
“Yeah. Whatever. I’m a peasant, you’re a princess, we move in very different social circles, why should I bother remembering you when you are completely unaware that I exist?” the mare inquired.
Feeling miffed and looking a bit irked, Celestia lifted her head proudly and looked down at the purple maned and green pelted mare. “And what is your name?” she said in a regal voice.
“Elphaba Trot, not that matters to you,” the mare replied in a flat monotone.
“I don’t think she’s the least bit impressed by you,” Beelzeboob pointed out in a low whisper. “Aaaaawkward.”
“Elphaba Trot, this is Beelzeboob. He could use a friend. Do you think you could show him around a bit?” Celestia said, introducing the two and hoping to secure Beelzeboob an acquaintance.
“What is he? Some of kind of winged monkey goat thing?” Elphaba questioned.
Beelzeboob fell over onto the floor and roared with laughter. He clutched his sides and guffawed, tears streaming from his eyes, which were squeezed shut.
“Miss Trot, he is a visitor to our world. He is a little abrasive but he isn’t bad,” Celestia replied.
“Does he have two tails?” Elphaba asked.
“Oh bother,” Celestia said, not bothering to turn and look around. “The breeches have failed to contain the beast. I shall have to speak with Rarity perhaps.”
“That isn’t a tail,” Elphaba deadpanned. “You sir, have very talented genitalia,” she observed.
Beelzeboob was wheezing now as he chortled, banging on the floor with his six fingered fist.
“I must go. I shall leave you two to become acquainted,” Celestia said, stepping through the door and brushing past Elphaba, now in a hurry to leave. As she departed, she made the mistake of turning to give a final glance to Beelzeboob. Something waved goodbye to her and she quickly snapped her head around, feeling a hot unwanted blush flooding her cheeks.
Elphaba let herself into the apartment, hopped up onto the small sofa, and then studied the weird winged monkey goat thing on the floor, which had composed himself a bit and was now staring up at her. “You’re weird. When the others see you, they are going to panic. Mares will scream and run away from you. They will hide their foals. The weak minded will faint. You should see how they treat the zebra.”
“There is a zebra?” Beelzeboob inquired.
Elphaba nodded. “There is a zebra. Her name is Zecora. And she makes the ponies freak out because she is basically a pony with stripes.”
“Funny, Princess Celestia didn’t mention anything about this. She seemed to think I’d be welcomed here,” Beelzeboob said.
The green mare snorted, a sound of equine cynicism. “She literally lives in an ivory tower on top of a mountain, and you took her word for it? What a moron,” Elphaba said in a flat dull voice. “She has no idea what goes on here.”
Beelzeboob peered at the little green pony, finding that he liked her a great deal. She wasn’t nearly as annoying as some of the others that he had met so far, like the purple pain in the ass, Twilight Sparkle.
“You have a broom on your butt,” Beelzeboob observed.
“I am a peasant. I was born to sweep the street. So that is what I do. It’s a living,” Elphaba said in a voice devoid of emotion. “And stop staring at my butt.”
“Well, you are naked,” Beelzeboob.
“So?” the mare replied.
“Nevermind…” Beelzeboob muttered.
“I don’t have many friends. I am not very popular,” Elphaba said. “I think the last pony who lived here moved away because of me. Hard to say for sure. I tend to say exactly what I mean and ponies don’t like me for some reason.”
“Hey, we have the same problem,” Beelzeboob said, now smiling.
“I am also a hermaphrodite, and that scares ponies. Nopony wants anything to do with me, I figured I’d get that right out in the open. So if you want me to go, I’ll leave,” Elphaba offered.
“Look lady, I have a prehensile penis with mind of its own… I am the last person to hate on somebody because of problematic penises popping up unexpectedly,” Beelzeboob replied.
Elphaba smiled faintly and settled into the couch. “You don’t seem so bad,” she said wryly.
“Uh lady, I wouldn’t say that. I bring out the worst in people. And you ponies. Nobody ever likes me for any length of time because I am an insufferable ingrown dick hair,” Beelzeboob said in acerbic tones.
Elphaba laughed and then covered her mouth with her hoof. She quickly regained her composure and resumed her flat almost dead expression.
“So if I go outside of my door and walk around, what is going to happen?” Beelzeboob inquired, trying to make conversation.
“Bedlam. Anarchy. Helter skelter. The ponies are going to take one look at you and freak out. A few might like you though. Discord might like you. He’s a draconequus,” Elphaba answered.
“What the hell is a baconequus or whatever it is?” Beelzeboob asked.
The green mare snorted once, then twice, and then a third time, looking thoroughly embarrassed with herself for doing so. “Discord is a spirit of chaos and disharmony. He is a mixed up jumble of animal parts. Like you. You two would probably get along. I like Discord and we talk sometimes. He offered to fix me once out of misguided kindness. I had to explain to him that I wasn’t broken.”
“You know, this is really weird, but it isn’t often I can just sit down and talk to people. Most people don’t want anything to do with me. You don’t seem bothered by me at all or the vibe I give off. You are already cynical, bitter, and probably hate life as much as I do,” Beelzeboob remarked.
“Oh, I don’t hate life. I just resent it a little bit for making me what I am. An ugly green mare with a broomstick on my butt and fear inducing nether regions. Hating life would be overreacting,” Elphaba groused.
“See, you understand that being a bitch is a good thing,” Beelzeboob said, raising his hand and extending his index finger to touch his chin. “And I bet you are just as much of a bitch as I am a bastard.”
“Maybe,” Elphaba said. “But it isn’t like I go out of my way to be unpleasant. This is just the way I am. I am surrounded by idiots, morons, and cretins that tell me that I need to be happy about life and I should feel fulfilled because I know what my destiny is because I have a broomstick on my butt,” she deadpanned.
“I became a bastard because I didn’t have a choice. I was born a bastard. And then, things got complicated because of my father. He made me how I am. How I look. And suddenly through no fault of my own, I am the sworn enemy of some old petty tyrant god named Yahweh who I didn’t think was real in the first place, but boy was I wrong. And I get a bunch of assholes with wings bullying me and telling me that one day they are going to chain me up in some dark hole and bury me away forever. No chance at redemption, no chance at salvation, through no fault of my own, I was born irredeemable. Hey, I wonder if the old hebrew cocksucking bastard can even reach me here…” Beelzeboob ranted.
Elphaba shrugged, and there was a soft faint smile on her face. It was a cynical bitter smile, but it lingered. “Being a pony is no better. We get our cutie mark and that’s it. We’re stuck. Some of us are born and we get to become princesses. And then, there are ponies like me who are born with a broom. We have no hope of a good life. We have get to have no great dreams or desires. What you get is what defines you in life. And it all seems terribly random and unfair.”
“Life sucks!” Beelzeboob said. “Life really does suck. I am stuck in a land full of pastel ponies that are going to hate me because of how I look and I have to find a job so I can pay my own way.”
“That’s going to be difficult,” Elphaba said.
“What? Why? Celestia said I’d need to find a job!” Beelzeboob returned.
“Again, arrogant pompous windbag, ivory tower. Nopony hires anypony unless they have the right cutie mark for the job and you don’t have a mark. Nopony is going to know what you are good at. By the way, what are you good at?”
“Well, I am an accomplished thief and a pickpocket. My tail is really good about fishing things out of people’s pockets as they go by. Damnit, ponies don’t have have pockets!” Beelzeboob shouted, coming to a sudden realisation.
“Anything else?” Elphaba asked.
“My penis is a kleptomaniac and is constantly pulling things down into my pants if it can reach them,” Beelzeboob replied.
“You have a very talented penis. Alas, mine has no such talent. Mine has the remarkable gift of keeping me alone and unloved, scaring away the few ponies I had hoped would look past how I was on the outside. We’re no longer on speaking terms, my penis and I,” Elphaba said in nasal monotone.
“Crap. What the fuck am I supposed to do for a job if nobody will hire me because I don’t have a butt picture of purposeful employment? Celestia didn’t say shit about this!” Beelzeboob said in a somewhat panicked voice. “I don’t want to be homeless again… I don’t want to be a vagrant anymore!”
“Calm down. I know a pony named Mjölna. She’s been looking for a helper. In a few hours, you and I will go talk to her. Sometimes, for extra bits, I do manual labour for her. She’s a blacksmith,” Elphaba said. “She is also crazy.”
“Well shit. I guess I’ll take what I can get. I got a puppy to look after,” Beelzebub muttered.
4955336 not really. especially since her earlier days included sending her own flesh and blood into banishment, screwing around in an alternate dimension to escape her pain, betraying the trust of one of the few mortals she called friend on two related but separate occasions.
she probablty sees herself as the most ignorant pony in the world, yet one with a responsibility to her people.
You forgot to capitalize Zecora's name.
Also I think I saw one other error but I forgot to note what it was.
A few typos, one I did pick up on was this
Should be capital Z
I actually like this story and where it is headed.
Not sure if typo.
Always refreshing to see a bullshit-free conversation between such lovable characters. Please continue!
here's to hoping this doesnt turn dark
Ah! I've got it!
His special power is to make those around him act like they're from New Jersey!
4958547
And if we had anything to support you view, it might be interesting. Alas, the show generally supports the 'Celestial is evil with a facade of motherly serenity' view. Now go have a cookie.
This thing was just featured....kudzu will be impossible today....
4958819
Nah, it's just in the popular box, it's not featured yet.
Edit: Or if it actually was it was only briefly. It's not there now.
4958808 yeaaaah no. they really don't at damn all to be blunt. there is more evidence for gummy being a draconequus than that.
and the comics, which are in continuity to the series, show a lot more about her. when habro and similar are stating that true it is true. its not like the star wars comics that are basically housands if comics and hundreds of different series.
So......if Elphaba gets splashed with water, does she melt?
I did. He pulled his hair out and ran screaming from the room 30 minutes into our session.
Prehensile pickpocketing penis of paradoxical pagan peculiarity named Bob.
I will say up front that I am one of your downvotes on this story, though I am still reading it to see where it goes. I will also say up front that I usually enjoy your stories and, in general, I believe you to be a good author….. and certainly much better than this.
The story started off with no introduction and with all the subtlety of being thrown down the hole in an outhouse. Sadly, it has gotten no better so far. The story seems disjointed, the characters out of character. You know, when I was writing, I would sometimes read something I just wrote and said to myself ‘No no no, that is not the way this character would act,’ or ‘that was pointlessly weird’…. If it seemed worth fixing, I clipped it and threw it into a ‘junk file’. This story feels a bit like it was strung together out of your version of that.
Thinking about this, I think my biggest objection is there is not enough ‘why’ to this. I hate stories that the antagonist is evil for the sake of being evil. In this case, it is a story about people [ponies] being objectionable just for the sake of being objectionable with no real reason for it.
I will continue reading it and I hope it turns around. I hate giving you a downvote and would love to find a reason to reverse it. But hey, write what you want and enjoy, but you asked why the downvotes..
4959292
Not one single character is out of character here.
If you read the story closely and paid attention, you would know why... it is the effect of an aura of disharmony. Nobody is acting evil for no reason at all. They are being influenced by a chaotic force that brings out the worst in whatever is around it.
As for Beelzeboob, again, you aren't paying attention. He clearly doesn't want to be the way he is. There are plenty of subtle clues and indicators. He can't help himself and Celestia has realised that.
The evidence suggests that this wasn't read as closely as it should have been.
4959324
Oh no, I read it just as carefully as you might like. I see the given explaination but I just do not see it as being enough. Why? Because there is no reason for it to be that way. He is essentually a demon of disharmony and so must cause disharmony.... maybe.... but why? A demon of evil is usually said to be evil because he is made that way and while that does not speak to its inner reason for being that way, it is what it is for a reason. Fine, this one is cursed for some reason and isn't what he is being forced to be, creating an inner conflict that at least has a potential to be something to work with.... but mostly I see an vehicle to poke at steriotypes of good and bad behaviour, and one that I see as badly linked. Again, I will keep reading and see where it goes.
Have a lovely day.
4959367
More is forthcoming.
Including more about the unicorn who summoned him and why Beelzeboob was summoned.
That should be revealing, but that is a long ways off.
4959374
I look forward to seeing it.
...Mjölna, Mjölnir. Female blacksmith. Let me guess, strong, and thinks she's a god.
4960773
She is a real background pony. She has a hammer and thunderbolt cutie mark.
4960783 Holy SHIT! Really?
Now that I think about it 'Holy SHIT!' would be a very good name for a magic move in the Final Fantasy Saga.
genitalia
I am not intrigued as to whether there is going to be a lost chapter.
4960797
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120130222515/mlp/images/2/23/Mjolna_in_crowd_S02E15.png
I am an EPIC pony.
4961547 ...What if 'she' is really just a very feminine 'he'? That could work?
4961238
I dunno, a prehensile penis jerking off another penis might be awesome. Maybe. Surely that is somebody's fetish, right?
Please don't make me gag, please
It is an awesome story and you should feel awesome
Thumbs up because... well.. thumbs up!
Plus this is pretty funny! But mostly because, thumbs up..