There’s something you should probably understand about alicorns right now.
Never let a species that doesn’t wear clothing do your laundry. I know she meant well, but I’m staring at my bright pink underwear – which used to be white, by the way – and wondering why my favorite shirt is two sizes too small now.
I toss the shirt in the items to be donated to Goodwill. Well, at least she’s trying….
“Moon, would you please come out? I have a present for you.” As always, nothing. I know she trusts me – she wouldn’t eat otherwise, and it’s obvious she likes me well enough, otherwise she would have left a long time ago. Or maybe she can’t leave? Maybe somehow she’s magically tied to this place?
Yeah, right, I tell myself. Next thing I’m going to think is that she literally lived in the moon at one point. But that’s silliness for another time, and I have a particular kind of silliness that I need to deal with right now.
I got her an iPod. Yeah, I know, dumb. But given the fact that since she learned how to operate the electronics in the house while I’m gone, half my CDs are missing, my subscription to eMusic doubled in cost, and the old boombox that I haven’t used since college suddenly found itself in the normally unused guest bedroom. I think I’d be miffed about it all if it wasn’t for the fact that A., I find it cute, B., she clearly needs the distraction, and C., I’d have a hell of a time explaining to my bank why I have fraudulent charges on my cards from purchases coming from my house – I can see that explanation right now: “No, officer, I didn’t make those charges, it was the cute little invisible black alicorn in my house. Why no, I didn’t plan on an extended stay at County/USC’s mental health wing – why do you ask?”
I sit on the couch, waiting for her to come out, hoping that this time, just this one time, she’ll give me a chance. I mean, seriously, it’s not like I’m going to kick her out or anything. There’s gotta be seriously bad karma for making an alicorn homeless, right?
After an hour, I give up, defeated. “I’ll…just leave it on the kitchen table,” I tell her. I have to get back to my article anyway; I promised Eddie that I’d have this thing done by Thursday. I walk over to the kitchen, set the box down on the table, then go into the fridge to grab a beer. Sure enough, she’s already gone through the two-liter bottle of Cherry Pepsi and I’m betting the rocky road I bought last night is also gone. Never thought that I’d ever meet anyone with a worse sweet tooth than mine! Heh, and Rachel always said that I had more sugar than blood in my veins.
As I turn to face the table, I notice the bag from the Apple Store’s gone already. And before I can say something, I feel the slightest brush of feathers against my right hand. I look down, but there’s nobody there – but a soft voice behind me suddenly says, “We thank thee for the gift, Sir North.” And before I even bother to turn, I know she’s already gone. But turning my attention back to the table, I see a huge-ass gemstone, the kind that’s usually in a museum, protected by lasers and guards and Batman standing on the roof watching through his Batnoculars or something. It’s red, and I’m guessing it’s a ruby and…fuuuuuuuuuu….
Well, Mother’s Day is in a little over a week and I have no idea what to get Mom. Maybe I can have this made into a pendant for her?
I grin at the look on Mom’s face when she sees the pendant. Oh, has this been a hell of a week. For starters, the gem Moon gave me turned out to be what’s called a fire ruby, a ruby with a golden asterism within it. It’s so freaking rare that this is only the fourth one known on Earth. Furthermore, the stone in itself is about sixteen carats – for comparison, the Burmese Ruby at the Smithsonian is twenty-three carats. And that’s not a fire ruby, by the way.
First, the jeweler I brought it to tried to have me arrested – on the basis that it couldn’t be real, and if it was, it had to have been stolen. That took an hour of talking to local authorities about. Then, when I proved that it was on the up-and-up, the jeweler said he had a connection that would be willing to pay sixteen million dollars just for it. When he found out that I already have way more than that in the bank, he tried the “old fashioned” method – tried to replace it with a piece of glass and rip me off. Unfortunately for him, he’d been doing that to other clients enough that the Palm Springs Police Department had already been keeping an eye on him; that explained why the cops showed up so fast.
Fortunately, I got my gem back and the detective I talked to just happened to recommend a trustworthy jeweler in Costa Mesa who could do the job. Hell, she ended up doing it all for just cost of materials, if she could cut off a tiny bit to use as a show piece; she promised it would be from the part she needed to cut anyway. Sure enough, she was as good as her word, and the remaining twelve carats are in Mom’s shaking hands right now and South Coast Jewels has a very expensive pair of ruby earrings that are for display only – and still worth a cool million on their own.
Just seeing the look on my family’s face as Dad puts the necklace around Mom’s neck is worth it. My sister-in-law looks right at me and jokes, “You know, there’s no way Don’s gift is going to top this.”
“There’s no competition, Tae,” I tell her with a straight face.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooo going to owe Moon for this one. I really hope to make it up to her someday.
I hear the explosions and the percussive booms that sound like a rave is being held in mid-air and I groan. It’s 4th of July and as usual, the city’s having its annual Blow Shit Up celebration with games and kids and fireworks and loud noise and a whole bunch of loud shit I really don’t want to deal with right now; hell, I’m guessing I’d probably make for simpatico with the Grinch right about now. Admittedly, when I was just a kid, I used to love fireworks and all that, but unfortunately, I live in the State of California, where someone in Sacramento decided that fun must be banned in favor of political correctness. And while some jurisdictions in the state allow fireworks, where I live isn’t one of them…nor is the People’s Republic of Santa Monica, where my parents reside. And since there were no fireworks at our home and going to watch other people make boom wasn’t something I really cared about, I told my parents that I had a bad cold and stayed home.
Instead of working, I spent the day just watching movies, gaming and stuff, as well as hoping Moon would come out. And frankly, after an afternoon of lackluster gaming (seriously, I was expecting King of Fighters XIII to be better than this), I find that I’m bored and I just really wish she would trust me. I swear, having her living here and not coming out is like a couple in a really bad argument…and while Rachel and I had a few spats over the course of our time together, at least those ended up with us making up by the end of the night. With Moon, I really don’t know how things will go.
Finally, I look at the clock and figure that I need to get some sleep – I’m driving down to San Diego tomorrow to do a lengthy interview, and the three-hour drive is already going to be hell on me. Figuring that she’s not going to come out – she even skipped dinner tonight, unusual for her – I just make my way to bed.
A few minutes later, as I’m just on the verge of hanging out with Little Nemo in Slumberland, when I suddenly felt the sheets being pulled up slightly, followed by a warm form sliding in next to me. Two arms wrapped around me, reminding me of how Rachel and I always used to spoon while sleeping. But the difference this time was the warm, soft fur I felt against my face and the velvety black wing suddenly draping over me like a blanket. A contented sigh was sounded behind me, as though something felt safe and perfect.
I stiffened in reaction: I hadn’t had anyone, much less anyone female, sleep in the same bed with me, not since Rachel – and here I was, now in the arms of someone not only female, but not even human! I felt a stab of shame and betrayal at my wife’s memory, but a second later I dismissed it as silly. I certainly had no intentions of doing anything with Moon; furthermore, she came to me, not vice versa, and I really doubt that she came with snu-snu in mind. More likely, she was in need of comfort, one of a more physical need this time, no different than all the times I’d comforted Carrie when she was a little girl and needed it.
But as we lay there, curiosity got the better of me and I turned to look at the creature holding me. I think after all this time, I deserved to see the alicorn that embraced me, whether for good or ill. She’d removed her armor, but otherwise, she remained the same, though the calm look on her face showed no surprise at my presence. As I continued my inspection, I saw that, up close, whatever force or forces had created her, had made her as far from equine as humans were from the other primates. Hers was a lithe figure, almost reminding me of a whippet or some other sleek, swift creature. The black wing she draped around me was very similar to that of a raptor or other bird of prey, one of a simple-but-effective design made to knife her way through the sky with the greatest of ease. Her fur, from what I could feel, was soft and well-tended; though no insult was intended in my thoughts, it was at the care of a prize show animal’s. Perhaps a better analogy would be that of a woman who took pride in her appearance, which fit the demeanor for what little I knew of Moon.
But the most curious thing about her was a stylized mark situated on her butt, or whatever it’s called on a horse-thing from another world. It was an image of a glowing – yes, I mean glowing, as in a soft blue – crescent moon against violet clouds. While it could serve as a tattoo or branding, it was like nothing I’d ever seen before. It seemed unnatural and spooky, and yet on its own, it was a perfect semblance of her.
Her head, surprisingly, didn’t look like that of a normal equine; it was a lot rounder and closer to that of a person than a horse’s, as though whatever forces created this beautiful creature decided she needed the space for a larger brain capacity. Her horn really wasn’t what one would think of as a traditional horn or antler; though it was grooved, it was the same hue as the rest of her body and covered with a soft, velvety fur, making it more, if anything, like a skull protuberance than anything else. As for her eyes, they weren’t set in the usual placement that prey animals had, but instead were forward-set like a human’s were.
But the centerpiece was her billowy, smoky violet mane and the strange, twinkling star-like effect within. Curious, I reached out and touched it; my fingers sank into what felt like viscous oil or thick syrup, though I had to admit the feeling wasn’t altogether unpleasant. She seemed to coo at my touch, as though she enjoyed the sensation. As I somehow expected, she pulled me close and nuzzled me softly, clearly a feeling of affection, though if I remember correctly, to equines, it’s like a kiss. Needless to say that this was a situation that was both confusing as hell and just as easily comforting.
And as my eyelids became heavy, I drifted off to sleep. I could have sworn that as I reached the demarcator from the waking world into the slumbering one, I thought I heard her voice utter, “We are glad to have thee as a friend, Sir North.”
The following morning, I was up at five, an hour I haven’t been awake at since my college days. As I scooched from the bed, I was not entirely surprised to find that she was already gone. Annoyed by that – I thought for a second we’d had a breakthrough! – I throw myself into the bathroom for a little 4S: shower, shampoo, shave, and shine, as my Dad called it. Tossing on a suit, I gather up my gear for the long-ass trip to San Diego. I got up this early so I’ll have time to stop at Ruby’s in Newport Beach for breakfast; it’s simply the best place in SoCal, bar none. Plus, I absolutely hate eating in the car.
So it was a huge surprise when I came down to see a cheese omelette, fruits and a steaming-fresh mug of coffee laid out for me, as well as a note:
Touched, I sat down to eat. Needless to say, it was delicious, the best I’d ever had. I wanted to thank her, but she wasn’t present – or if she was, she was still somewhat afraid of me. I wish she wouldn’t be; in the months since she’s been here, my life’s been much better. I don’t have nightmares any longer and my life’s actually been improving. Maybe I just needed a roommate to take away the gloom and doom I’ve been foisting on myself since Rachel’s death, I dunno.
I just wish Moon would trust me more.
“C’mon, Eddie!” I shout over the phone at my editor. God, what a fucking ass – I still wish that Nash was the EIC, but noooooooooooooo he had to take that Senior Editor job over at Men’s Health and then management had to give us this Goddamn prick from Ireland whose previous job was the European editor for Ars Technica. BFD. “Look, you said I wasn’t going to have to attend SoutherNet this year!”
“Hey, boyo, I’m understaffed, okay?” he says in that accent that seems to drive the girls at the office wild for some reason – glad I’m a remote writer. “Look, Derrick’s on holiday, Marie’s due to have her kid at any time and I have Jack attending the Sony conference in Honolulu. Only lad I have to do this is you!”
“What about Nate?” I counter. “Guy lives in Nashville for fuck’s sake – he should be the one to go!” The line suddenly went dead quiet on that end; that was clearly all the answer I was going to get on that. “You are seriously going to owe me for this.”
“Fine, fine, whatever – name your price in blood, for all I care…but I need someone there. I’ll have Sarah FedEx you the conference passes.”
“Fine, I’m leaving!” I snarl into the phone, not even bothering to say goodbye. I’m pissed as hell that Eddie couldn’t get Nate to do his friggin’ job and for a moment, I wish these were one of those old-fashioned phones you could slam down to shut off, if only so I could blow some steam off.
But instead, I suddenly hear the shattering of glass in the kitchen, followed by a very feminine gasp. Rushing into the kitchen, I see her – Moon, finally awake and present, standing in pile of broken plates that she was apparently removing from the dishwasher – wait, when did she start doing the dishes? There’s a horror-stricken look on her face and I don’t know what to say.
And then to make things worse – she finally speaks. “Th-th-thou…art leaving?” she asked, as her eyes start to water up.
I have no idea what to say at all. Part of me wants to be all cool and make some sort of suave, semi-funny statement, but I’m no comedian. Another part of my wants to irritably accuse her of picking now, when I’m in a bad mood to make her official appearance...but I’m a little too surprised for that to happen. Instead, I find my anger bleeding away along with my sense of humor as I’m looking at one frightened, shaking alicorn.
“Look, I gotta go to Atlanta fo—” are the only words out of my mouth as I’m suddenly tackled at high-speed by a terrified and bawling alicorn. The fact that her horn isn’t poking out the other side of my body is something that’s going through my mind, at least until I feel my shirt being soaked from her tears. This isn’t what she was like when she first arrived; no, it’s somehow worse.
Finally, after a few minutes, she looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes and whispers a single sentence: “Please do not leave us.” She shudders, genuinely frightened of something. Maybe this could have been avoided months ago if she just come out when she first arrived back in January, and not in the middle of the blistering August heat. But that was then and she probably had her reasons for waiting until now.
Still, I have to do something. I let my instincts take over, and as I look into those odd eyes of hers – funny, they don’t look so reptilian right now – and run my fingers through that strange mane of hers while my other hand pulls her closer. I look her straight in the eye and ask her, “Why would I leave? I live here!”
“But we heard….” She stops looking at me and instead decides to be preoccupied with the tiles in the kitchen; obviously there’s an unspoken concern.
I lift her head and look at her intently. “I think we need to talk.” In turn, she nods her head, and it’s the biggest breakthrough we’ve had yet.
A minute later, we’re sitting on the couch. Well, I’m sitting. I guess she’s sitting for how her kind does, though if you ask me it looks like she’s lying down. Either way, she shuffles her hooves nervously, before she starts. “We…we suppose that we should start first,” she says to me. “We are…our name is Nightmare Moon, and we are…we are a nightmare.” Before I ask what she means by that, she adds, “The nightmare, truth be told.”
“I’m sorry, Moon, but I don’t follow.”
And then she gets fully into her explanation, and honestly, what I’m hearing is absolutely nothing less than stunning. Not about the part that she’s from another dimension or another world where the dominant species is based on horses; as weird as that is, I kinda got that part. No, it’s the part that she’s a nightmare, and the fact that she doesn’t actually exist, as least as far as she’s concerned. She explains that she’s the remains of the corrupted form of a princess of the realm she was from – that explains the “royal we”; I was beginning to wonder if I was dealing with some sort of hivemind. That she was formed from the hatred and jealousy of Princess Luna and as Luna became Nightmare Moon, she began a war for control of Equestria – Equestria? Okay, that name’s a bit on the nose there – against the ruling princess, her older sister Celestia.
And as I’m listening to this, I’m watching her emotional state. Surprisingly, including her eyes, they’re very…well, human, reactions. Despite the difference in species, her face showed anguish, sorrow, self-loathing, insecurity. She cried throughout the whole of her explanation and it’s clear that whatever she was in the past, she regrets everything she’s done and everything that’s happened to her since.
Even still, it’s sobering that if she’s telling the truth without any embellishments, my little friend here is magnitudes worse than any dictator in human history. Everlasting night? Extinguishing the sun? I’m no scientist, but I can’t imagine anything living on that eventually-frozen ball of rock that used to be a vibrant planet, had her plan succeeded. Then there’s the bit about sororicide; would she have really done that?
“But we failed,” she told me, and I’m guessing this time she meant herself and Luna. “And for our crimes were sentenced to the moon for a thousand years.”
“Wait, a thousand years?” She can’t look a day over…hell if I can even guess what her age is; I can’t even remember the formula to translate dog years into human ones.
She nodded sadly. “Celestia used the Elements of Harmony on us.” It’s clear that my face is reading a blank, so she explains: “It’s a powerful set of magical amulets which embody the spirit of harmony itself. Once used on an opponent, it becomes a fearsome weapon the likes which you have never seen.”
I’m trying to picture these Elements in my mind, and really, only one thing comes to mind. “So…it’s like a direct hit from the Death Star?”
She raises an elegant eyebrow. The mild confusion on her face is somewhat adorable, all things aside. “We are…not familiar with this Star of Death you refer to.”
“Well, it’s a giant space station, an – waitaminit, we’re getting off track; I’ll just show you Star Wars later.” If there’s a later, I wonder. “Anyway, go ahead.”
“We…see.” She scratches the back of her head and I’m amazed at the level of dexterity – is that the right word to use? She doesn’t have hands, after all – that she has in her legs. “In any case, after a thousand years, we returned with revenge in our hearts, but we were countered and defeated by the Elements of Harmony once more. By Celestia’s daughter. But this time, it was much worse for us.” The look in her face suddenly changed from hurt to horrified. “We were…painfully torn away from Luna, torn asunder by the very Elements themselves. It…it hurt.” She paused, bowing her head in silent tears. I reached forward to help, but she gently brushed aside my hand. “We thank thee, but…we must be strong on our own.” She paused in silence for a few seconds more before finishing up with, “The next thing we remember aside was the very nightmare we were forced to live: being exiled here.
“And now we are here, a guest in thy manse – an unbidden, unwanted guest, no doubt. And now…thou art leaving us, abandoning us as we deserve.” The broken voice she spoke in was hard enough to take, but it was the naked look she gave me in that last second that said more than she had previously, a silent plea: Please don’t abandon me.
Still, there’s something that’s bothering me about all this, so I ask. “Why did you choose to come out now? Why not before? You’ve obviously made yourself at home here, but you’ve never come out, even when I asked. Why now?”
A look of what I assume is embarrassment comes over her face; that’s confirmed a second later by the fur around her cheeks bristling slightly and turning a slight reddish shade – wow, didn’t know fur could do that. She then looks at me and answers, “When we first arrived, we thought thee a monster summoned by Celestia to eternally punish us for our sins…in our world, humans are to ponies as monsters are to thine; inequine beasts whose only purpose is to kill and terrorize. But as we got to know thee, we realized thou art kind and gentle…and it is we who art the monster.” At that, she uttered a choked sob, and it wrenched at my soul to hear it. Nevertheless, she continued. “Once we realized that we were the monster, we feared that thee would push us away once thou knew the truth. That we would lose the only friend we have had since our punishment, just as we have lost so much already.”
“How could you think you’re a monster?”
“We no longer know what we are,” she said in a hushed voice. “We were created from the pain and suffering of Princess Luna and now we have been ripped away from her. What are we now? What purpose do we have? Are we even real?”
My answer comes simply enough: I embrace her, running my hands through her mane and asking her a simple question: “Do you feel real?” She sighs again, saying nothing more, though I can feel her crying into my shirt; I feel her horn against my chest; she turned her head apparently as to not gore me accidentally, thankfully. But I know I have to say something, because otherwise she’s going to be an emotional wreck forever: “Moon, you are no monster. I don’t know where you get that. If anything, what I see is a sad, lonely female in need of a friend.”
“Are we friends?” she asks me suddenly. I look into those desperate eyes, and I simply nod. In turn, she nuzzles me, clearly pleased with the answer.
It’s at this time that I look up, realizing that the whole day has gone by and that sunset has come to pass. Well, this whole conversation, longer than expected, had to happen; I don’t think that things would have gone as well otherwise. “You know, I’m famished. Why don’t we just order in tonight. Chinese okay with you?”
She looks at me oddly. “Chinese?”
Okay, Dynasty – ain’t the greatest Chinese takeout in the world; I can think of a dozen places in Monterey Park or El Monte that are worlds better. But when you’re up here in the mountains, your choices are kinda…limited. And besides, like my Dad says, Chinese is meant to be eaten with friends – he just doesn’t say that around Tae. I order the Imperial Combination Fried Rice and Crab Rangoon for myself, and for Moon, I got her the Kung Pao Tofu with some Spring Rolls.
We continue the conversation during dinner. I’m drinking a Guinness; I probably shouldn’t, all things considered, but frankly, after this, I need this in order to relax. She’s drinking wine; surprisingly, she’s into that merlot that I usually use for cooking. I also found that she can use utensils – via magic! She’s already mastered the chopsticks with ease, and I’m absolutely floored just watching the sticks move in a deep blue field of energy.
Since she told me everything about herself, I tell her everything about me; for some reason, she thought my last name was “Samsung”, and I have no idea where she got that idea. I go over my life, then my college years, then meeting Rachel and our life together, then Russell and his atrocity. I see a flash of anger in her eyes, and I know she’s going to do something; I ask her to refrain, as I want him to suffer the hell he’s already put himself into. She looks at me oddly, but agrees.
Finally, as I get us some ice cream – amazed she didn’t eat all of it yet! – she looks as though she wants to say something. I nod at her to continue.
“We have nowhere else to g—” she begins, but I silence her with a single finger pressed against her muzzle.
“You’re welcome to live with me,” I tell her. And though I know it’s night outside, the smile that settles onto that muzzle? It’s bright enough to rival the morning.
Later that night, for the first time in years, I’m willingly sharing a bed with a female that’s not a relative. It’s not like anything’s happening anyway, but Moon needs the comfort tonight and for some reason, I’m compelled to provide it. Maybe it’s just the emptiness in my life screaming out for something, or maybe it’s a message from Rachel, from beyond the grave, telling me that I need to open my heart again, even if just to another lonely soul who needs a friend. Or maybe I’m just crazy.
In any case, Moon is glad to do so. I feel bad that for the first few months, she actually slept in the basement, before moving to the guest room, and then finally to the couch during the one time I left a blanket and pillow there. I promise her that the guest bedroom is hers, and that we’ll get her some furniture. She, in turn, tells me about the time she and Luna – as one, I guess – had control over the moon on their world, controlling it and wishing that her people would have appreciated it more; I get the feeling that had they truly accepted her for the person she is, she wouldn’t have become what she was…but then, maybe there would only be a Luna and not a Moon, and my life would be strangely empty that way.
Then she sings a lullaby I’ve never heard of before in a language I’m not familiar with, and the next thing I know, I’m drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up the following morning, I saw her just laying there, watching me, as if she took a simple pleasure in watching me sleep. At first I kinda freak out: that’s a rather stalkerish concept, if you ask me – but then I remember that’s something a human would do, and as much of a person as she’s acted so far, she’s not one, not completely.
She then looks at me and says, “Good morning, Sir North.”
“Morning, Moon,” I tell her back, giving her a half-awake smile. “So what now?” I ask her.
She looks out the window, at the pines of the forest just beyond, then at the sun already making its way to the sky.
“I think I’ll live,” she says with a smile.
The next day I head to Atlanta. She looks heartbroken that I’m leaving, but I promised I’d call and bring her something when I get back. I called as soon as I got to the hotel, and she gushed about how nervous she was about being left alone for a week. But I told her that she would be fine, there was enough food in the fridge to cover her, and I would be back soonest.
And when I’m back the following week, I have to admit, it’s good to have someone to come back to. She absolutely loved the Atlanta Braves jersey I got her; I’ve started to notice that she takes a lot value in simple pleasures like that – maybe because they’re gifts and they’re for her, and not anything with strings attached or spoils of war from when she was the person – or pony or whatever – she was back then.
Plus, I have someone fresh I can talk to about my life with Rachel. I’m guessing it’s what I needed. Everyone else who knows me knows the hell I went through and usually walks on eggshells when they’re around me, but with Moon, I can just be honest in how I feel about all that. Likewise, she’s told me more and more about her past and I get the feeling that she hopes to return to Equestria someday to make amends for what she’s done. I get the feeling I’d miss her if she did.
I don’t know if I’m in hell like I used to be. All I know is that both she and I are happy.
So you scrapped the previous chapter and are going to build up the relationship slowly. I see no problems with this.
4980103
People wanted moar, so I thought I'd give them moar. And I didn't quite scrap it; it's just being moved around a little.
So glad to see more of this story. Solid two chapters - was really nice seeing everything from NMM's perspective.
4980116
The culture shock of the delicacies of modern food was delightful I had to say. So cute.
Given the adjustment with the update, I really like where this is going. It was...simply too short for the depth this story was trying to carry. It's great to see it growing beyond that with more tangible depth to match what lay beneath the surface.
This is excellent work. Personally, I hope it turns into a short (or longer) novel.
Well things now are slow, I like that
hmm, I like it.
MOOOOOAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Oh this is even better now it is the original version. Love what you're doing with this story and I would very much love to see more soon.
4980562
As I mentioned in a blog post, things are being rearranged to accommodate the revised storyline.
4980724
Wait for it....
4980832
There should be a graphic image there displaying the text.
4981283
Beethoven's 6th/The Pastoral. It's a work by a different composer under a different name where she's from. Chalk it up to convergent evolution.
.... the character has over 16M in the bank.
Riiiiiiight.
This is a nice story. The formatting is wonderful, easy to read, good syntax and no real grammatical red flags.
There are a lot of ways you could have messed up with your human character. He could've been a gigantic wet blanket that goes on and on about his personal tragedies and acts like a general douche bag when others try to get him to open up. Nightmare Moon is also well written and I really like the bits of naivety that she shows throughout the fic, like her assuming that Twilight is related to Celestia and the little details like orange juice and chocolate milk. It all does a good job when it comes to world building.
Peace.
4981634
So glad you read the first chapter about him inheriting it from his murdered wife, who in turn got it from a trust fund. Because things like that never happen in real life, so we don't even have terms to explain it all.
Oh, wait....
4981738
And what did her parents do to get that much.
Cause that line amounts to a throwaway of, "Welp, my rich wife died and now I've got oodles of money."
Still comes out of nowhere and sounds like she's simply a plot device to justify him having a fat bank account, which I assume will become used later on.
Were her parents business owners? Did they play the stock market and just get really damn lucky? Was the family always wealthy?
4981634 did you read the first chapter or.....
4981779
And, considering they, have nothing to do with the story, does it matter what they did for a living? Or what their parents did? Wasn't aware fictional characters needed a Japanese-style family register now.
Besides, he's stated he'd rather have her back than the money. Or did you skim the first chapter?
4981817
Went back and read it again.
Twice.
Wife had a trust fund, and that's all there was.
Very nice.
I thought the first version was pretty darned good. I had thumbed and faved it - hoping for more.
This rewrite - adding detail and slowing things down a bit? Downright excellent. I only wish I could thumb and fav again.
Please keep up the excellent work!
~~~~~
@ Sandman
To be honest - I'm not TOO fussed about the trust fund thing, for two reasons.
1) It allows the main character TO be a reclusive type - thus setting the stage for the story.
And while the whole "murdered by her uncle" feels a bit much - it hasn't been SO obtrusive to me that it bothers me. (And God knows - it isn't like people haven't done STUPIDER things for money. If the trust was set up that the money would go to him if she died - he may have thought he get away with it.) Anyways - North's grief feels sufficient to avoid making it a big issue.
and 2) Amazingly enough - I know a very similar situation in real life. My sister's (now "ex"-)son in law was seeing (and eventually married) a young woman whose parents were both killed by a negligent driver when she was twelve. The ensuing law suit and settlements set her up with a seven digit trust fund that she received when she was eighteen.
Rachel could very well have had a similar background (dead parents and court established judgment trust). It would explain why her "Uncle Russell" was her guardian when she was younger. (And as guardian - he would have had a certain access to the accounts to pay for expenses while she was growing up.) Depending on the rules of the trust - if she got married and the trust (and thus control of the money) was going to be irrevocably severed from him? That may have been enough of a reason to commit murder. Greed is a funny thing...
4981828 well remember all the money upon her death was left to her husband (North) which is the reason the uncle killed her. He wa furious as I believe it was originally going to go to him.
Thought this would be an accurate representation of what we want.
Keep on bein' awesome shinzakura!
this was great story I look forward to reading your future chapters this is quickly becoming a very engaging story and "Absolutely Un-putdownable" I eagerly await for your next chapters
nice expansion on the re write.
Well this is a big improvement from the original draft, and I was hard pressed to find any glaring errors! Everything from Moon's perspective was incredibly adorable (Lord Samsung ). As always, I eagerly await more!
4980116
I liked the first version better. It didn't really seem concluded, but I still liked it more.
The main differences are increases in Nightmare's enjoyment of what the human gives her. Now, I see why you are doing that. When you do that, you play up the human's romantic ability. It's like saying, "He is so damn good that he happens to pick the song of her mother against all probability. Have you seen his fridge? It's fuckin silly. Would you believe this boy god orange juice? Rare as shit, you wouldn't believe; That's the kind of stuff dragons guard." There are problems with this. You begin to invalidate Moon's emotions, like she is some kind of gold digger who is just with him for his seemingly endless supply of the freshest veggies with vinaigrette and electronic wonders. You make us feel smug because we all have fridges with stuff in them and computers, which makes us feel like big men who could please an alicorn, but it raises questions. Mostly, "Would she have uncontrollably fallen for anyone with a sugar cube and a television?" Before, her enjoyment was off screen, which meant that we all just assumed a normal amount of enjoyment occurred. Even when she cried from the song, we assumed that it was part of her having a strange reaction to the sudden presence of beauty in the air, something she hadn't received from another in well over 1000 years. We assumed that she chose a deep level of appreciation and that she was in control of herself at all times. We assumed that she simply took each of these things into consideration. However, now that she literally started crying from the sheer opulence of a human lifestyle, her dependence on him is seen as more frantic, panicky, and naive. It makes her seem more childlike and manipulated by fancy things and shallow.
OH GOD THIS IS A MESS
just.... this paragraph, man. While I am not opposed to sentences that go on and on and on, I prefer that they do so grammatically.
What is this "but given"? But is not adding to "given" in any way. I am forced too conclude that "but" is from a separate part of the sentence than "given" with no proper connectors. Looking at the above snippet, it seems clear that "given the fact that since she learned how to operate the electronics in the house while I’m gone" is an aside, meant to give further background information about the relevance of the rest of the sentence. "But" is a conjunction at the beginning of a sentence which is being used to indicate that the whole sentence is in spite of the prior sentence. Since they are two, separate, clarifying dependent clauses, they need to be separated from everything else by commas.
I want you to know that it took me until my second draft of this comment to figure out why "since" is in this sentence. That was straight confusing.
"but" indicates that this sentence is in contraction to the previous sentence.
"given the fact that" indicates that the next part of the sentence will be evidence for a later statement.
"since she learned how to operate electronics in the house while I'm gone" is directly after "given the fact that", but it is not the fact being referenced by "given the fact that". The word "since" can indicate a time frame is about to be stated ("I have been out of bread since this morning.") or that a reason is about to be given ("Since I am out of bread, go buy some."). If it is indicating a reason, it is doing the same thing as "given the fact that" and things will get recursive and weird and I am just going to pretend that it is indicating a time frame. The time indicated is "since she learned to operate them while I'm gone". There is an astounding lack of clarity here. I don't know if she did the learning while he was gone or she learned to do the operating while he was gone instead of operating it while he was home. However, I am fairly sure that she decided not to play while he was home, instead of learning not to play while he was home. The latter option would mean that something bad happened that taught her not to play while he was home. This combination of verb tense combination and unclear application for the "while he was gone" resulting from placing descriptive information at the end of a sentence with multiple actions makes something nearly incomprehensible. However, all you actually wanted to do was define a time frame, so we can just delete the poorly crafted flavor text.
But, given the fact that, since she learned, thing1 happened, thing2 happened, and thing3 happened.
But, given the fact that, since she learned, things happened.
Ok.....given the fact that things happened....., what? You gave me the fate that things happened since she learned....but what were you using it for? You said "given the fact that". Since "facts given" "conclusions are made". Where were you going with this? My guess is that you put it in the next sentence.
This can be used, but we have to add a "would" before "think, since he is about to contradict what he "would think". Also,"about it all" just links this to the prior part of the sentence, which is no longer needed because "given the fact that" already did that job.
Also,
I’d be miffed, but A., a reason, B., another reason, and C., a third reason.
First, ".," is never proper punctuation, I think.... in any case it doesn't do what you want it to. I think you have a period there to indicate that the letters stand for something and the comma is to indicate some sort of aside which should be understood separately as a part of the meaning indicated by "A." Understand that you are making up words. "A" does not mean "I find it cute". You are stating parts of a hypothetical list named "A", "B", and "C". This is completely legitimate as long as your readers understand the words you are making. No punctuation is required to use a word you made up. A type of punctuation that indicates that the next part of the sentence defines a prior part of the sentence is a colon.
I’d be miffed, but A: a reason, B: another reason, and C: a third reason.
Also, C is not a reason not to get miffed. You can be miffed without reporting silly things to authorities. Since it doesn't belong on this list, but you clearly want to make your jokes, simply state it in the next sentence instead.
The first dash is indicating that the rest of the sentence is not necessary to the first part of the sentence. This is an odd usage, but I can't call it wrong. A better example of this kind of dash usage would be, "I'm going to the store- hope Ryan isn't there- to get some bread." It is used because the character had a sudden thought brought on by their negative emotion about Ryan, and the character interrupted their own sentence to vent their fears. The problem is that your narrator, the human, was actually making a point. The things he said after the dash were not said because of some totally irrelevant reaction he had which gave us insight into his character. A period will work just fine to indicate that this sentence belongs directly after the previous one. the second dash is doing the job of a semicolon, which is something it can do. A semicolon would be clearer, but this is ok and I'm leaving it.
"I didn't make those charges" is a full sentence. "It was the cute little invisible black alicorn in my house" is a full sentence. They can't be separated by a comma. If you wish to indicate special closeness between the two sentences, use a semicolon. Also, "why" and "no" are separate dependent clauses.
fuckin DONE
4981823
Well, when it becomes relevant to the story...
What I mean to say is, you wanted your character to never worry about money. this was kind of weird in the first version of your story, so you added this little bit of information to fix it. Let me say that again. It was a big enough problem that you noticed it and fixed it. As a result, you now have him living in the lap of luxury on the dime of the dead and working for fun while also being the one human lucky enough to have a magic creature pop into existence in his house and solve all his relationship problems. He no longer has to go out into the world and try to meet a girl AND he gets to frame his prior failure to meet someone as a result of no one recognizing his overflowing kindness, the likes of which helped fix nightmare moon, instead of a simple result of him never letting anyone into his life. He is an eligible bachelor. As a matter of fact, it could also be seen as a result of him being to rich and never trusting anyone around money since his own uncle murdered for his fortune once already. This would be like saying that everyone on earth was to greedy and that even a magic villein from another demention would be more trustworthy, rather then saying his loneliness was a result of his lack of trust and lack of action. These are the philosophical implications of your solution to the money problem.
What actually happened, is that something harmless looking was forced into his house by the universe and this poor, confused creature in a monster's lair forced him out of his shell, literally crawling into his bed for comfort. Nightmare is the romantic hero here and the human is the damsel. She appeared and a relationship began. He existed in peace and loneliness for a long time. If you ever take a third go at this, remember, Nightmare is your hero, not your incompetent child.
4983558
Huh?
For starters, how am I making her a gold digger - she hasn't asked for anything, nor is he playing rich Daddy Warbucks. She's acting curious and like a child (that's child-like, not childish; there's a difference.) Giving her food? That's human kindness, not "look at me spend like no tomorrow." Her taking stuff and learnign about things? That's her taking stuff and learning about things, not him handing over his credit cards and letting her have at it. Methinks you're confusing a stranger in a strange land and a somewhat overtolerant host than the most charming man in the world.
Secondly, the story's written in a much more stream of conscious mode than my other stories; maybe it doesn't work as well, but I don't recall e e cummings stopping after the first criticial review. And for the record, my proof-reader (who does this for all my stories and quite a few others on here as well), also had some issues. So the fault is entirely mine, and I intend to leave it as is. Experiments are so for a reason.
Thirdly, how is the life of someone on the periphery of the story going to make any difference other than what she has already. Yeah, he's rich. Guess what? He still works. He's not living the trust fund life. He also has nightmares about losing his wife and would trade it all to have her back. That is her part in the story, and unless you were expecting a retelling of Anna Karenina, that's not going to happen.
Fine, no worries, shame if you're not sticking around, but i am not changing my course on this.
Also (possible since the system may be stripping it out), the dual spaces after the periods and other quirks should be clear that I write in a different system. Chicago style is for reports only, not the end-all, be-all of writing styles.
4983662 2
....I was saying I was done with fixing that particular grammatical clusterwhat in a self-congratulatory manner. "I have (explicative) completed the task", is what I was saying. I was not saying I was done with the story. I don't see why you would care if people boycott your text, that just seems petty and spiteful, and rather ineffective. That's kind of an odd thing for you to think I meant; like you were expecting it or something.
I'm going to have to ask you to define exactly what "chicago" style is and exactly what style ".," is found in. Also, tell me what ".," is.
Double-spacing existed because of issues with seeing spaces in certain letter combinations on some type writers and maybe some printing presses. It is not relevant to the internet medium or modern printers. It was an exception they had to make because of issues with the technology and is no longer needed. However, it was right at one point so I will not say it is wrong, since it has been fully accepted into at least one legitimate writing system which the writer could be using.
Gold digger isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but it's close. Imagine, if you will, that you appeared somewhere with conveniences and pleasures the likes of which you could never possibly acquire. Now imagine that all of these things belonged to a strange being that was inexplicably kind to you. This situation does not prove that you will fall in love as a simple result off all the nice things you are being given. It does, however, make that a possibility. While it may not be large spending for him, he is still supplying a decadent experience. Really, the only way that we could know if she was still around because he had all this fancy human junk would be if we could read her mind and she seemed to be particularly focused on the stuff rather then just enjoying the stuff while liking him for him separately. Come to think of it, she seemed to be particularly floored by all that fancy human tech. Did she even say anything about the human? I seem to recall her saying that she had wronged him and that he wasn't a monster. She was ashamed to face him, I remember that. Now, you still have time to write something in which indicates that there is anything at all about the human that she actually likes other then the fact she can mooch off of him, but the question will always remain: "Is this all really just about some orange juice?" Also, the loyalty of someone like that is easy to buy, so there are questions of her willingness to follow around anyone with a sugar cube.
This didn't make me think of stream of consciousnesses at all.
A person in the periphery can make a difference because her existence had controlled the live of them main character since before the story began. Her existence means that he has been without relationships for a very long time, but it also says why he has been alone. This has an effect on the meaning of his current actions. It isn't the money I have a problem with. It's a kind of improbability stacking as well as what your background story means about him as a person. We know he works, but he doesn't have to. This is cool, on its own. It means he is a reasonable individual who contributes to society when he could just be riding its coattails. His only problem, the one you designed into him, is his own total unwillingness to come out of his shell and love again. So, obviously, somepony pops out of literally no where in the universe and slips past all his defenses. As the main human, we are supposed to relate to him. This leads to a simple question of what it's like to have out only problem solved for us and why can everything be handed to uuuuuus for minimal effort in the comfort of our home? Our suspension of disbelief is being stressed by just how awesome his life is now. In any case, that's not the big issue.
If he falls in love, it means he was ready to fall in love. If he was lonely, it means he knew he wanted to fall in love. We also know he has no problems with talking to people, because of his job. This means he just waited the years out in his house or at work, not moving to solve his problem. However, because that is all off screen and because you are going to be focusing on the romance of the moment, we never get to see any of that. Instead, all we know is that he found Nightmare good enough but he found everyone else to be insufficient. This raises the question of why she was different, the question of why he will fall in love with her. It is unromantic to say, "because she was literally already in my house." The only other option is to point out what she had that they didn't. Since all she does is recognize his kindness, we have to assume that no one else recognized his kindnesses. We have to assume that Nightmare was better than everyone else at recognizing how very nice he is because humans are incapable of gratitude, or we have to assume that she is placing her heart into the hands of the first person who will have it out of desperation.
4984003
Yeah...
Five seconds on Google evidently isn't worth your time.
So basically it could be wrong, but even though you're not sure it's actually wrong, you're going to respond as if it is wrong anyway?
Did you miss the part where Moon still considered herself Luna, who was a princess and basically had the best kinds of things possible if she wanted them? Sure, the food sucked, but she couldn't just magically make the chefs gain the ability to make industrially processed food and ice cream.
Explain to me how "supplying a decadent experience" would be any different than if he was the sole financial support for a human child. Or, more realistically, a spoiled teenager.
Yes, because his underwear magically turns pink when his clothes self-subject themselves to laundry cleaning, the food from his fridge just randomly vanishing is a normal occurrence, his dishes are semi-sentient and clean themselves by operating the dishwasher while he's out, and all the other household chores that happen to magically just get done without explanation are totally not indicative of Moon's presence.
Or, y'know, the parts where she talks to him in his dreams, then leaves signed notes for him to find, and ultimately physically snuggles him in his bed and leaves him gifts in return for the ones he gives her.
Oh, yeah, and the chapters written from HER perspective aren't enough proof that she's still around, if nothing else?
I'm guessing you're one of those people who think humans can not possibly be inherently good people and show kindness to strangers, whether they be human or not themselves. And why would Moon need to keep talking about the human constantly? Just because he's not being mentioned doesn't mean he stopped existing or living in the house until she suddenly brings him up again.
Obviously because the only way you seem to think such a thing is possible is if it was written exactly how you would picture that mental process translated into words.
You're arguing about improbability in a story involving a displaced alicorn that nearly killed an entire planet...landing in a swanky little bachelor pad in California. In which lives a reclusive rich guy named North Shores. Methinks you need to listen to the MST3K mantra of "don't take this shit seriously" because you're thinking about it too hard.
Yes, because people having trauma of any kind after coming home to find their wife brutally murdered by their own family totally doesn't exist!
That is entirely the wrong take on what this story is. Seriously, you're acting like this is some generic wish-fulfillment "I live with an alicorn princess" fic when it isn't. Honestly? You appear to be unable to see the forest for the trees here, or so the saying goes.
Did you even read the four sentences of this story's description? I think you'll find your answer there. If not, then you clearly do not understand the idea of two broken people finding solace with each other because they have experienced unimaginable loss, and so can relate to one another.
4984987 Dude...You're a dick. You are one of the biggest douche bags I have ever met, on this site.
4984003 I at least appreciate the fact that you went through the trouble of trying to tell the author that there were multiple incorrect grammar locations, in this chapter. Both replies to your comment seemed to be either hateful or out of spite. Neither seemed to want the paragraphs where they were incorrect, to be corrected, but at least you do.
4986746
I'm a dick because I put together counterpoints against all of his problems with the plot and setting in the second post that are easily answered by simply paying attention to what's going on in the story, common logic, and simple inferences based on provided information?
That, and I fail to see how his second post had anything to do with grammar issues instead of arguing the semantics of shit that isn't the main part of the story to the point he's dictating how the story should be written because the story doesn't constantly slap its readers in the face with the romance angle;
The key idea here being that, evidently, the story somehow doesn't do enough to show Moon being anything more than a drain on the human even though for his use of the word "mooch" to be even remotely correct, that would require Moon to not be performing basically all the household chores like a maid but instead just lounging around and stealing what she wants from him like a raccoon.
It's one thing to provide grammatical advice and it's another thing to cite problems one has when reading a story. But outright acting like what is their opinion based on seemingly not actually doing more than skimming a story and declaring that the story needs to be "saved" or something because of the author's choice to not define characters entirely by how they think of other characters in a romance situation that doesn't exist yet? If you don't like how an author writes, then just stop reading their stuff instead of trying to force them to write what you want.
4987293
I learned nothing from this. This part was pointless.
Wouldn't this be the same as your entire comment? The only difference is that you believe you are entirely right, but you still are responding as if he is wrong.
Are you saying that the best things a princess would want is also food that sucked? I thought it was the best.
Now why should a 1000 year old princess who could have anything she wants, be on the same level of child?
I am certain if a hobo broke into your house, stole food from your fridge, and asked to stay; You would've called the cops on him.
This is a perfect example of how you are a dick. Getting pissy about a guy because he "Over thinks" things. Wouldn't thinking ahead of time, be over thinking? Do you mean to tell me that you only think what will happen in a few seconds, JUST because you don't want to "Over think" it? Now while my last sentence doesn't pertain to the story or his comment, it still aimed at you.
There has been shittier cases of people with the SAME amount of trauma he has, who have had LESS brutal moments. Yes, he came UPON the incident. He didn't STAY to watch her being cut up, HE CAME UPON IT. She was dying AS he came in, she might have even died before that and her uncle was STILL doing it. It wasn't explained. All was explained, was that he witnessed it, he saw her dead body, he saw her uncle with the knife.
That is exactly the right output of the story. Dead wife's trust fund is now handed to the main character, boom, rich. Spends rest of his life a lonely reclusive bachelor who happens to be the location where an Alicorn gets thrown into from another universe, boom, relationship formed. And did he actually lose anything in the process? His shit ton of money solved her gaming and music needs, so it showed her that he can provide for her. His inability to do his own dishes and laundry is solved by a princess from another universe. Her inability to obtain her own necessities are solved by the host GRACIOUSLY giving her food. Two lonely souls who happen to be different species but somehow found a way to see each other as equals and eventually formed a romantic relationship, despite it being taboo among humans to romantically love an animal.
4986746
I don't mind him giving criticism. But when one doesn't even know if something is correct or not - something CraftAids admitted, I tend to take a dim view when he insists it's wrong regardless (as Blue pointed out, Google is your friend). And it's not as though I don't rewrite things; hell, I've rewritten a 175K word stay (doubling it in size in the process) just to address some critical concerns. But anyone who doesn't know what Chicago means IRT writing yet insists I follow it, doesn't have a fine grasp of the fact that The Chicago Manual of Style was created for reports, NOT creative writing. And just because it's de facto style in US higher education, still does not mean it was meant for creative writing. I've argued that with EQD, I'll argue it here.
Secondly, Blue is not a dick for pointing out the inconsistencies in the criticism. It is a valid point. And if you don't see it as such, fine. But don't let your subjective bias blind you. Blue is a colleague, friend and a talented writer...but hardly a dick. Nor did he fling insults. You, however, did.
If neither of you care to read the story further, fine. But with the upvotes and faves continuing to climb, I think the readership disagrees with you.
4987547 You just became subjective right there, letting your relationship with Blue surround your comment. You stated that he is a, and I quote,
Meaning you respect your friend, who also happens to be a "talented" writer, more than you would of someone you dislike.
You would blindly accept the help of a friend, even if it might hurt you in some way. But if an enemy or a person you have a conflicted relationship with, you would turn your back to then, even if they are trying to help you out.
Blue also flung an insult, a minor one at that, but one nonetheless.
He insulted Craft's way of thinking, simply because he "Thinks too hard"
Now I don't dislike you or this story, but I know that my writing is bad and as well as my story telling. I accept any and all criticism about my story, whether it may be offensive or helpful, but I wouldn't tell them off as harshly.
4987623
...I'd think that you'd respect somebody who is your friend more than somebody you dislike in general, no?
As far as I know, CraftAids and Shinzakura have never communicated or even known of each other's existence until now. There was no pre-existing relationship between them until CraftAids decided to make a textwall almost 2,000 words in length going into explicit detail as to how a single pragraph pissed him off, simply to accomplish a needlessly long mini-class on what essentially was a small number of punctuation modifications.
If somebody came in and started ranting about the finite details about why a comma should be a semi-colon to you like you wouldn't understand unless you had something as long as a textbook chapter shoved in your face, I'd say you wouldn't be all smiles when somebody put that much effort to show how much more they think they know better than you.
Yes, because me telling him that he was thinking about these specific things too hard and getting caught up in minute, relatively insignificant details to the point he somehow cites problems with the plot that aren't actually problems at all...is me insulting his normal thought pattern and not suggesting the means through which he could possibly enjoy the story better.
Also, I did not respond to the post you directed at attacking me, since you only responded to my points as if you only bothered to address them at face value and so any argument I would make would be pointless.
4987701 Everyone knows something that you do not, whether it is a personal matter or a universal. Someone WILL know something that YOU do not.
4987730
Why are you so dead set on driving this comment section off track? This isn't your story, heck, this wasn't even your argument to begin with!
4987745 Neither was it yours. The original comment was directed towards the author and when you saw that you didn't like it, you replied to him, which led me to reply to you.
4987623
Fine, I'll grant that I should have used "invective" vice "subjective". Even still, my point stands. And as Blue says, I'm likely to take a friend's suggestion (not blindly; I've disregarded suggestions he's made on my stories before and vice versa) than spoke on willing to write a manifesto over missed points and minutiae. While I applaud CraftAids' willingness to do so (why, I've no clue), my points there still stand.
Now I've spent more time on this today than I have working on getting Moon to her next mental breakdown, so I'll just back to that and hope you enjoy the rest.
4987806
You didn't answer the question I just asked, though, why are you still replying as if it's your argument?
4987293
There is a reason I asked the author to define it. As I understand it, "Chicago style" is a book detailing proper writing in the English language for publications. However, my understanding does not explain to my why Chicago style, a style I knew nothing about what-so-ever, is what the author chose to bring up in rebuttal to my attempts to correct grammar. So, maybe there is something that the author knows that I don't. This is why it would be important that I understand what the author meant, rather then what google tells me. Also, I couldn't find ".," anywhere, since I don't know what it is even called.
As far as you being/not being a dick, you know what you are doing. I know, you know, and passerby are suspicious. I am just going to focus on the issues.
I conclude that I have not made my point clearly. i conclude this because you are unsure and because you seem to have missed what I was attempting. Yet, your reaction to being unsure is this...
Bro, do you even read? I never responded to any of the double spacing in my first post or even mentioned it, what the hell.
No, I didn't. I also didn't miss the part where she is the essence of the type of evil that makes you use people without even noticing enough to care. Also, correct, she couldn't do that.
A human child exists in a world which has always had such things. To a human child, orange juice is just juice from an orange. It isn't condensed dragon-horde juice, it's good tasting sustenance. Also, a child loving you because you have food and shelter isn't really as bad as someone falling in love with you because you have food and shelter. It's kind of ok if the kid is kind of using you, it's not so ok if a lover does the same. It it totally ok if a pet does it. So, is Moon a good pet or a lover or a stranger who does chores for room and board?
....I was more focused on the reason that she was still around, and not her still being around at all. I'm going to try this again.
Really, the only way that we could know if the reason she was still around is because he had all this fancy human junk would be if we could read her mind, which we can, and she seemed to be particularly focused on the stuff rather then just enjoying the stuff while liking him for him separately.
There, see? I was not saying she was somehow gone, what would that even mean I don't even what the hell
He has one problem. His problem is getting over traumatic experience. This isn't a "alicorn princess" wish fulfillment story. This is a "the universe just kind of starts to heal my trauma and makes me whole again without me having to go out into the scary world" wish fulfillment story.
Nope. Also, I fail to see how my belief about people's innate kindness factor relates to that quote.
Moon would not need to talk about hims constantly, but we never actually hear her talk about him at all. She can't, really, since she is never in the same room for long. Lets make this part easy: Why is she here?
No. Because that's what trauma does.There is no disagreement here. His unwillingness is resultant and component to his trauma.
Now then, with everything that has already been said, I think I can try again, and maybe make my point sysinct this time. Keep in mind, this is all supposed to be comparing to the original version.
Good things trigger reward functions in the brains of creatures designed to not die. Better things produce larger rewards. This is so that creatures will be prompted to remember rewarding events and find ways to repeat them. It is possible that Nightmare, as she is now written, is simply using the human, like she would have used anyone else on equiss. If this is occurring, it could mean that her emotions, which are real and not somehow fake and/or imaginary, will develop as a result of her associating him with vinaigrette and subsequently categorizing him as something in need of protection. Protecting sources of positive stimuli is a normal reaction. This would be a form of loyalty, but it would be quite unsettling for such a form of loyalty to become the basis for a romantic relationship. The word is using. There is also no reason why you would not attempt to do nice things for someone like that. there is also no reason why such feelings of loyalty could not be transferred to someone else, along with other related emotions. The simple question is, why does she hang out at his house? If you say it is because the world is scary and she has no where else to go, she can live off of a bit of grass every hundred years and is not really stuck with anyone. She could totally get along with just about anyone as long ash she didn't walk around in public.
As for the "two broken spirits" angle, ok. I could get behind that, if only the story presented that detail. They are both kind of broken. They are both in the same house. The man is clearly trying to pour kindness into her and it could be having some kind of cathartic effect, maybe, unless he is just being kind to be kind. She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be doing anything of the sort. She has become highly dependent on his presence, I'll give you that. There is, however, nothing to say why or how she became dependent.
Basically, this was meant as a comparison. So, what do you think an increased focus on a far better reaction to these gifts could possibly mean about the character having the reactions? Before, it was a set of simple gifts to a broken mare who had positive reactions. These reactions could be attributed to the kindness and the simple fact that she was actually receiving a gift. There was little special about the things other then the fact they indicated that another creature actually cared about her. Now, she is having the reaction just because they are legitimately gifts worth crying about. I am just saying I preferred it when the start of there relationship was about them and their reactions to each other and not about a fridge and a sweet deal in a sweet pad.
4987883 You know what? This has turned into OUR argument. I dislike how you are a douche and your comments to me have fully shown it. It takes one to know one.
4987896
I'm just gonna cut to the chase and ask the simple question: does any of the deep, philosophical stuff you're talking about actually matter? This story isn't an examination into the psyche of fictional characters, it's a cute little fantasy narrative meant for entertainment.
4987899
So you not only just insulted me yet again, but also called yourself a douche? I don't know what you're trying to achieve here, but I'd suggest stepping away from the computer because you're getting way too worked up over something that doesn't matter in the slightest in ANY possible way.
4987899
4987946
Hi guys. Let's all be cool. If the argument's graduated from talking about the story to personal mudslinging, then please take it to somewhere that isn't the story's comments--for the author's sake, if nothing else.
Or you could make up and become impromptu friends. Either one works.
Have a nice day.
4987946 I apologize?
4988056
Apology accepted. Just...next time, don't take things so personally, alright? It's not worth blowing up and insulting people left and right when it's in the comments section of a simple novella.
4987946
Oh god you two are flaming all up in the house
Blaze did call himself a duche. He did this because he was declaring the rules of civilized conduct void. Simplified, he was declaring war.(aka flame war aka internet slap fight.
Deep philosophical st-..... fuckin really? This is the kind of stuff right here that blaze is going on about. You haven't said it, but the implication is that what I am saying is simultaneously not deep enough for proper attention to be placed on it and so deep as to be meaningless in any reasonable person's practical sense(in regards to the creation of fiction). However, you already know you did this and there was no need to explain it and I'm moving on.
If someone thinks something is philosophical, it generally means that it was just poorly explained. Here is this:
If basic human decency and kindness are the motivations for love-> The story's message is "Let go of the trauma the world placed on you, for kindness may be granted to anyone, no matter how great their pains and sins."
If shallow pleasures are the motivations for love-> The story's message is "Let go of the trauma the world placed on you, for I've got Twinkies."
However, maybe you are right. Maybe I should just enjoy it anyway. Maybe I should just sit back and let the appeal. So then, what is the appeal? Well, there is a dude and an alicorn and they are going to fall in love. He's got $ank and a cool job. I guess I can enjoy living vicariously, though we don't talk much about the job and the money is just background information. Oh, he saw his wife get killed by his uncle. We could watch his suffering in sick fascination. There really isn't much content for that either, though so I don't think that was the appeal. OOO! We could enjoy watching two people heal each other through their good will while they form a deep and meaningful bond which we can enjoy vicariously. Yes, that is almost definitely the appeal that the author was going for. There are plenty of paragraphs that could be about that. Oh wait... the girl might just like his stuff... well, who cares! Lets just enjoy it anyway.(seeing a problem yet?)
AND YES, it is totally about their psychology that is the basis of emotions is the basis of love and kindness and fear. We are collectively trying to Platonicly get off on their relationship which is all in their heads. So, philosophical questions, questions about why people think what they think and how they know what they know, are relevant to romance stories as well as friendship stories.
Loving the revise of the story. Also are you gonna bring it back up all the way to Nightmare Moon turning herself to a human or you gonna steer this ship in a different course? Cant wait for next chapter
For a week; soonish
Love it so far, seeing a lot about you revising it, and I have to say I much prefer a slower take on relations, especially given the circumstances.
4987946
Ok. So in order to take opinion on either side of this, why and what are you guys arguing? I ask this of YOU and not HIM because you sound like a reasonable person from what I could deduce from that chaotic mess of a keyboard war.