Seeing You Again

by Lavenderheart

Chapter One

Cheese Sandwich walked back and forth, pacing. He had been doing so for a couple minutes, maybe ten, at the least, just...thinking.
Thinking about....
"Pinkie Pie." Cheese muttered. "Why in Equestria did I have to have a crush on her? I mean, it's not like she actually likes me back."

Boneless 2 just sat there, showing no emotion. Obviously. He's a rubber chicken.

"Hmph. No matter what I say today, Boneless 2, you aren't saying anything back like usual. Are you just trying to ignore me?"
The chicken still did nothing.

"Whatever." The stallion said sitting down against a rock. He glared at Boneless 2.
Cheese sighed, and picked up the chicken. "Sorry for talking to you like that. I just..." He now had a sad look on his face. "I- I just really miss Pinkie Pie. I wonder how she's doing with Boneless."

He glanced up at the sky. It was about 6:00 now. He thought that maybe he could pay her a visit. He wasn't sure when to do so, though. Maybe......today?

"Well, it HAS been a while..." Cheese said, looking at his hooves.

That's it.

If he was ever going to see Pinkie Pie again, it would be today.

Cheese stood up, looking into the distance. "Alrighty, Boneless 2. We're off to Ponyville."

Author's Note:

That was a heck of a short chapter. I meant to do that. Oh well. See ya next time.

Comments

[_____________]

"you're on dA too?!

on FIMFiction I'm that one stupid girl who wrote 'Seeing You Again' XD"
~ Your comment on DeviantArt

Hey there, Missy. I'm Bluegrassbrooke's most avid stalker, so I kind of see all the comments on her deviations. Seeing that one urged me to look up this specific story out of curiosity. And as a pleasant surprise, I was greeted with Cheesepie. ^.^ So. . .I hope you don't mind if I give you constructive criticism. I'm in no position to completely tear this down because my own stories are exquisite crap, so don't worry. ;)

Cheese Sandwich walked back and forth, pacing. He had been doing so for a couple minutes, maybe ten, at the least, just...thinking.
Thinking about....

There are two things Senpai had to grind into my head: [A] Don't be tell-ish (bland in your descriptions of action), and (B) the opening words of your story are very significant. Cheese Sandwich's crush is adorable, but these opening sentences don't have much impact, they feel like something that should be in the middle of the story. Personally, I would open the story with Cheese's thoughts about Pinkie Pie. We don't just want to know he's thinking about Pinkie, we want to hear what he's thinking and get into his smitten little mind. [*Cheaply throws something together as a poor example*]

Pinkie Pie had the habit of sticking into a pony's mind like an upbeat earworm. There was something in each of her mannerisms, her very movement that radiated with jubilation and light, the kind of joy that was contagious. Whether the mare was physically present or not, her beaming smile could never cease to make Cheese Sandwich return the gesture. That and the thought of her magenta curls flouncing as she skipped through Ponyville was more than enough to turn his cheeks the same color as her mane.

I. . .don't know what to think about what cheese I just wrote. But you get the basic gist. There's more I'd like to say, but I'm a little tired right now so I'll hold back. If you want me to, I can elaborate later, but that depends entirely on whether or not you're interested in being lectured or if this story is just for fun.