Chapter 1: Oh, boy... (edited and rewritten)
North-Norway
CELESTIA POV
"Ugh," I groaned, my head was pounding, ears were ringing and my vision was blurred. "GUARDS!" I roared, my head was still pounding. As the ringing in my ears slowly faded all I could hear was the wind whistling and howling around me. My eyes adjusted to my surroundings. What I saw I did not expect. Snow. Snow everywhere. I first thought that I was in the tundra surrounding the Crystal Empire. But alas, there were no mountains of this size there. As I kept looking around I noticed something in the distance. Even when my eyes adjusted to the dark, it was still hard to make out the silhouette of a creature in the distance. I tried to move, but it did not work. "Hello! Anypony! Please help me!" I cried out toward the dark silhouette.
"..." The silhouette's head snapped towards where I was laying. It started moving toward my position, panic slowly taking over me.
*Crunch, Crunch*(snow, being crunched)
"Aunty?" it was the fearful voice of my niece.
"I'm over here!" I shouted at the silhouette of Cadence. The silhouette flinched and slipped at my shouting and fell face first into the icy/snowy ground. I cringed at the sound of falling that came from the silhouette of Cadence. "Oh my! Cadence, honey are you alright?" The sound of groaning met my ears, and some seconds later the sound of snow crunched beneath the hooves of Cadence as she slowly made her way towards me.
The sounds of magic being charged met my ears as Cadence's horn lit up just enough for us to see where we were. As Cadence looked around, she noticed me lying in the snow, and quickly ran over to where I was laying. However when she was a few feet away from me she tried to stop, only to slide past me because of the icy and slippery ground. She lost her balance and face-planted, again. I chuckled in amusement, Cadence shakily stood up and walked slowly over to me. When she was right in front of me, she smiled and reached out to pull me up... only for her left hind leg to slip from under her. Just before she would reach the cold and unforgiving ground, I caught her with my magic.
"Phew! Thank you aunty!" she nuzzled me and gave me a smile. Smiling myself as she helped me with her magic, I stood up shakily giving my hooves a few stretches to get the blood flowing again. Just as I was done I heard some groaning not far away from us. As I looked around I noticed a small cliff with a pile of snow under it. Said pile had a blue horn sticking out of it. Cadence and I went over to the pile and we began to dig out Luna. When we were done, we pulled Luna out of the pile.
Well Luna was KO'd. We tried to shake her and shout at her, but alas no response was given. So we did the most reasonable thing we could think of, we put her on Cadence's back! So as we made our way away from the place we were at, I looked around for the Crystal Empire, but nope, no Empire. So I tried to talk with Cadence.
"Cadence, do you know where we are?" I asked my niece quietly as we made our way down from the mountain top.
"No, I don't know where we are... if this would have been the tundra that surrounds the Empire, then I should feel the power of the Crystal Heart." Cadence sighed "We are very far away from the Empire. Even if we are on the other side of the planet, then I would have still sensed it. Only faintly, but I still could." Cadence muttered, looking around.
"Hmm, very well, then I suppose we just find our way through this then." I said with a little smile towards Cadence which she happily returned.
As I looked around I noticed that this was nothing like our planet; everything had so dull colors, where on our planet everything was so much more colorful. Nature ruled over the whole place, where on our planet we had tamed everything from the ground to the skies. This place was like the Everfree Forrest. 'I really hope there are no wild beasts here that would attack us' I thought for myself, and silently hoping that I was right.
Now we have been walking for quite some time, Luna is still out cold and every now and then my ears perk up at the sound of movement behind us. Picking up our pace, we hear the sound of the things that are behind us quicken too. Now panic taking completely over me, Cadence and I gallop away from the bottom of the mountain with Luna in our levitating magic. As we ran I quickly looked back. I wish I hadn’t. Behind us a pack of wolves were running straight for us. Now completely terrified and panicking I tried to take flight, but nope, lying on my wings made the very sore. Every feather was out of place; every time I tried to move my wings I felt intense pain in them, so no flying. As we ran the adrenaline in my body was slowly losing its effect. 'Come on! Come on! Come on!' I told myself, as the two of us ran with all our might, but the wolves were still catching up on us. Now, even though I have super earth pony strength, I was very tired before we found ourselves in this frozen land. My breaths were ragged, foam around my mouth and my heart painfully pounding in my chest, I felt like I was about to fall over and meet my end. But suddenly my ears perked up at a sound in the distance that I have never heard before. I saw lights from where the sound came from. The light gave me all the strength and hope I needed. Just as the distant sound came closer I made a turn away from the Forest that was at the bottom of the mountain. Just as we made our way out, we came up to an open field. Just beyond the field I saw a big box with some windows on it. There were some powerful lanterns on the front of it that lit up a big area in front of it. But now that I was running on my last drop of energy and with only survival instincts driving my body, the only though that I had was; 'If it has walls, then it can protect us, if it has light then it can scare away the beast of the darkness.' so with that I made my horn flash with intense light to get the attention of the creature that was in the box.
Right after my flash the box came to an immediate halt and stopped. On the front side, a door opened and out came a tall creature. As I ran, I took notice of a dark long object he was holding in his claws of some sorts. It must have been a weapon or something. Said creature, started running towards us with his weapons end pointing in our direction, like a spear. What came next surprised me.
"HEY! GET DA HELL AWAY FROM THEM!" the creature roared, almost in the Royal Canterlot Voice levels. He pointed his weapon towards us, or rather a little above us. Then came the sound of a loud boom, something flew right past my right ear. The next ting I know is that I look behind myself and see the wolves running away. I took one big breath and fainted next to Cadence because of exhaustion.
To be continued...
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I like this.
4886215 thanks!
LIKE
getting interesting by the second
Which part of north Norway are we talking about...?
Looks good so far. Fawing.
Doesn't deserve to be read if human OC is named Anon. Try coming up with something a little more original.
Featured?
Recently many PrincessesXHuman fics got featured....
i61.tinypic.com/1zr2zoj.jpg
It's an interesting start. The errors, and inline notes, e.g.: "*Crunch, Crunch*(snow, being crunched)" are definitely distracting, so it's good to see that you've got corrections incoming. I also feel that I compelled to mention that your request to upvote the story and add it to my favorites has all but assured that I won't.
I can't tell if I'd continue reading this or not. Aside from the grammar that you'd promised that you will fix, and the too fast pace of the story line, this isn't that bad. But the major thing that bugs me and others is the pitiful choice of name for the human/main character; Anon. In my opinion, it ruins the story to the point where I don't even want to read it anymore. Please oh please, do your story a favor and pick a better name than Anon. When ever people use Anon, its like they're using the same character over and over again.
If you change Anon's name, then I might consider editing your story for you.
(Btw, I'm sorry if I sound like an asshole. I'm just trying to help you even if my constructive criticism sounds kinda harsh.)
4886557
Will be reading so many fics today.
4887194
Well the problem with having Shining die in either attacks in canon consistency. By killing Shinning off at any point you are effectively making this an alternate universe story. So instead I was thinking that stress would be the reason why she came to visit and left Shining Armor to look after the Crystal Empire with his sister, now Princess Twilight Sparkle.
So this'd probably put, if it even adopts my suggestions, between Season 4's ending and Season 5's opening.
OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY
You tend to miss capital letters, take time to write a chapter and check for little mistakes like that
Meh why the hell not.
It's a good start, but it's got way to many grammar and spelling mistakes for me right now. I'll revisit this story in a bit, but for now I'll have to pass.
good stuff
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Okay, this really doesn't make sense. You didn't have to make Shining Armor an abusive husband for Cadance to leave him(for Anon). There are simpler ways, such as maybe their love is fading away, being rulers of an empire takes their toll and they don't get as much quality time anymore, hell I would even accept Shining having an affair over what you wrote. There really is no explanation as to why Shining has become an asshole besides the fact that we wont feel bad when Cadance dumps him.
wouldn't the more reasonable thing be if Luna was placed on Celestia's back? She is bigger than Luna so she would have less difficulty carrying her than Cadance. It's like a 10 year boy carrying his 18 year old brother in this case.
4886469 the place where there are a lot of mountains and stuff
4888182 Celesta's wing hurt, and her back. So Cadence carried Luna.
4888279
The other thing still doesn't.
Okay that makes sense.
This has a lot of promise, but you seriously need an editor.
4888257 Velkommen til Målselv / 'Welcome to Målselv'
malselv.kommune.no/getfile.php/2271550.2190.wprdvcxtfd/1024x768/5238115_2271550.jpg
I want MOAR!!!
The story is hard to make out from grammer mistakes and general sloppy writing, but what I've managed to get was good. I'll keep watching, see if this improves.
Guys good news! I finally got and editor to fix up this mess, so don't worry! he is very good at this!
Good story so far ... keep it up !
Hmm, perhaps I'm alone in this, but I do not like this story. Personally I think it's all rather contrived. Cadance thinking of leaving Shining because he's being abusive to her? That's rather out of character and just randomly brought up. Obviously the only reason for it is so she can 'fall' for this 'Anon' character and frankly I think the whole thing is rather forced. It's not to say this idea doesn't have possibilities, I just don't think it's being utilized properly here. Why not have it where she's been misinterpreting things Shining has been doing for not wanting her anymore? It'd lead to some nice inner drama of hers as she finds herself drawn to another creature beside her beloved husband. If in the end you really just don't want to deal with that and only have her to be a 'love body' for Anon. Then perhaps add an alternate universe tag. Because as it stands this is way off universe.
Now that being said, I'm not here to tell you to stop, just that I believe the story has more problems then just spelling and grammar.You also tend to repeat things a lot. In the opening paragraph of chapter one, you mention how Celestia wakes up with her head pounding, and then moments later feel you need to point out that it's still pounding. You also tell us the 'Crunch Crunch' is snow being crunched in parenthesis. This is a BIG no no in writing. You NEVER do that.
My dislike of the story idea aside, the fact this ended up featured somehow is proof enough there is interest in this fic, but I'd honestly work very closely with an editor or two to get this story sorted out before posting anymore chapters.
HERESY
HOW COULD YOU NOT EXPLICITLY CREDIT JohnJoseco!
Meanwhile in Equestria...
Fire one side, Ice on the other... mahaa..
This could use some grammar editing as probably quite a few people pointed out already, but apart from that this has the potential of many laugh inducing situations.
So, please, do give us more as I can't wait
I mean, the premise seems interesting from the start, though I am curious how you'll handle how Anon is getting money to pay for said fueling and eating. Guess the only way to find out is to read.
This story has my approval. I love any story that has a harem and portrays Shining Armor as a limp dick asshole. The only thing that could make this better is some clop. But its your story.
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I like dis.
I'm having difficulty focusing on the story when suddenly, *sarcastic gasp* a name without capitalization! An I with the same problem! And a million other nitpicks that would have been just fine alone, but together are like an avalanche of marbles.
I saw this story, saw that I read a couple chapters, then I read some of it. It was great. Then I saw the dreaded red number. Because I apparently down voted this story, although as fortune has it fimfiction allows you to change your mind. Perhaps it was the grammars, because the story and stuff says it was recently edited.
-edit-
Only now do I notice my previous comment.