Chapter I
I charged headlong through the bushes, my breath sounding harsh in my ears. Up ahead, I could hear my quarry as it bounded through the underbrush, its frightened squealing causing an uproar through the forest ahead of it. Honestly, I couldn't blame the poor animal for wanting to put as much distance as possible between the two of us, but I had needs too.
A guy's gotta eat, after all.
I burst out of the underbrush into a clearing, blood pumping in my ears, the beast screaming in my brain. All that existed right at that moment was me and the two hundred pound sow making a break for the other side of the clearing. It was fast. Real fast.
Luckily for me, I was much, much, faster.
With one mighty leap, I landed on the poor animal, spearing it with my long, sharp talons. Unfortunately, I had missed its heart, so the poor thing was still struggling underneath my powerful, gruesome frame.
I'm no sadist, so I ended its suffering with one swift stroke of my claw to its neck, killing it instantly.
With a simple muscle twitch, I sheathed my foot long claws back into my fingers. I shivered a bit as the blades moved up my hands and into my forearms, the feeling still unpleasant, even after all this time. How long has it been? Months? Years? I thought morosely to myself.
My dark thoughts were interrupted as my sharp ears picked up the sound of a snapping twig. My head quickly turned at the sound, allowing me to see something that made my blood run cold.
Standing just at the tree line of the clearing was one of the natives of this planet. She was a beige, pony-like creature with a bright orange mane and tail. On each of her flanks was a tattoo of a bushel of carrots, and on her face was an expression of abject terror.
Oh crapbaskets, I thought to myself, as the orange pony turned and started to run.
* * *
Carrot Top was fuming. That stallion is so infuriating! she thought as she stomped her way through White Tail Woods. I can't believe that he would go and forget our anniversary like that! She kicked some of the autumn leaves out of her way, her rage building as she thought of her stallion. He had just up and gone to work, not a word, not a kiss, nothing! Did I do something wrong? Or-
Her musings were interrupted by a loud crashing sound echoing through the woods. It sounded like some sort of wild pig, yet there was too much sound for it to be just that. There also seemed to be some kind of skittering sound, probably from whatever predator was chasing the poor thing. Not wanting to be anywhere near predators on the hunt, Carrot Top started to turn to leave, but froze as two things burst out of the cover of the forest.
The first wasn't all that surprising, considering all the noise she had heard earlier. It was a rather large sow, probably weighing somewhere around two hundred pounds, and running as if all of Tartarus were on her heels.
The second thing was a nightmare.
It was huge, standing probably five to six feet tall. It had a faintly gorilla like look to it, except it was bald, gaunt, and sickly looking. Its pallid flesh had a slimy sheen to it, and it was so thin that she could see its ribcage stand out on its barrel. Blade-like spikes burst from its back along its spine, giving it a faintly dragon-like appearance. Each of its long, spindly limbs ended in a five-toed claw, with its fore claws being much longer and sharper-looking.
Before she could comprehend what was happening, the monster reached the poor sow in a single bound, impaling the animal on its foot long talons. The pig valiantly continued its struggle, trying desperately to get away from the nightmare that had just killed it. The creature was having none of that, however, and impassively ended the pig's struggles with a single swipe of its claw.
At this point, Carrot Top had seen enough. Slowly, while the monster was distracted by its recent kill, she moved her hooves back. If I'm really quiet, I can get away while its busy with its-
*snap*
The monster's head whipped around and, for the first time in her life, Carrot Top saw true terror. Its face, like the rest of its body, faintly reminded her of a gorilla's in its shape and ears.
But that's where the similarities ended.
Its lidless eyes were pools of ebony, through which Carrot Top was sure she could see eternity. It had no nose, rather just a hole in the center of its face through which it breathed, while its lip-less maw sported two rows of interlocking, inch long fangs. Drool dripped menacingly from its chin as it regarded her with an expressionless glare, its soulless eyes boring into her.
For a single second the two just stood there, staring at each other. The creature seemed to almost deflate at the sight of her, which broke whatever spell was holding Carrot Top in place. In a flash, Carrot Top turned and ran, determined to put as much distance as possible between herself and the nightmare.
Her flight was ended before it even began, however, when she ran headlong into the trunk of the tree that stood directly behind her. She felt a blinding pain, then remembered no more.
* * *
I would have winced if I still had the facial structure to do so. The poor mare had taken one look at my ugly mug and had wisely decided to make a hasty retreat. Unluckily for her, however, she had failed to notice the tree that had stealthily spent the past seventy to eighty years growing in the exact spot where it could conk some poor soul attempting to flee from an alien monster. Her face made a loud thunk noise as it struck the evil wood, and instantly she was down.
Carefully, I made my way over to her to check if she was alright. The bump looked pretty nasty, and I could see a small trickle of blood drip down her forehead. However, her breathing was strong, so I was sure that the wound was just superficial. She would wake up in a couple of hours with a blinding headache, but otherwise, she would be fine.
However, I wasn't sure on her chances if left out in the woods. Animals might think that her body was up for grabs, or she might not wake up in time for sunset. Plus, her injury was kind of my fault. Well, mostly it was the tree's fault, but I couldn't exactly force the unmoving wood to pick her up and take her home.
I knew that it was up to me to make sure that she got to safety.
Sighing slightly to myself, I bent down and gently picked up the poor mare. So help me, if I get chased by an angry mob for this, I'm going to kill you, tree, I thought vindictively at the offending plant growth. The tree, unable to hear my vehement oath of vengeance, just continued to stand there, smugly pleased that its seventy year evil plan had finally seen fruition.
Sometimes it really sucks to be the good guy, I thought to myself.
I think you mean sadist
Ok.
You have my attention.
Do not disappoint me.
*Looks at title*
cringechannel.com/wp-content/sp-resources/forum-image-uploads/spaih/2014/05/now-thats-what-i-call-edgy.png
4872223 Thanks for the catch! I actually did mean sadist.
I enjoyed it. It seems that every once in a while, those groups will have something I'd like to read show up.
Trees. Masters of the long game. Wonder how many points Carrot Top was worth.
4872249
no problem
Please write more
Even if this is just a practice thing, I still hope for more!
4872232 I will do my best not to disappoint.
4872238 It was the first thing that popped into my head
4872250 Glad you liked it!
4872274 I'll try, but as I said, this is really more of a side thing while I try to work through my writer's block. you might see some more soon though
I'm very intrigued. Go on
Believe me, I understand how it feels to have writer's block bad on something, so you write something else to relieve it. I wonder what happened to "Once-A-Human" here, but I guess I'll be waiting a while on that. Don't see any glaring errors, and the story looks promising. At the very least, it seems like a good hook.
You better not let this die, I cannot handle the disappointment that failing to update this would cause me. And if I am upset with you, you know you are fucked (I have ways).
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Very well written! Please try to have writer's block more often!
I have to wonder though... is our unnamed protagonist's appearance based off anything? He sounds familiar...
4872611 I have a picture in my head, but I was unable to find it when I went looking. I honestly have no clue where the original design came from, but as soon as someone finds it I'll credit the design. Until someone has pointed me in the right direction though, I'm taking all the credit.
4872661
Fair enough. It's just bugging me a bit because I swear I've seen something like what you described!
GIVE ME MORE!!!
4872407
yesssssss
very good...
Ah... he's a monster, but he's a NICE monster. I like this.
4872661 He kinda sounds like one of the Xenomorph variants with the whole "slimy flesh," and "ribcage sticking out from his barrel" thing. And the super long claws thing... I'm not trying to troll, just can't remember which movie had the xeno that sounds similar to this.
4872746
4872661
you know he kind of sounds like he got turned into a ghoul or some other demonic thing. Yeah i know what you guys mean about the image thing
Please don't. No kill is an instant kill unless it severely damages the cerebellum or the top of the spine - any kill unlike that will lead to a ton of twitching and kicking.
And how do these foot-long claws not bend at his fingers? Furthermore, how does he retract them through three separate joints?
4873553 If it wasn't clear at this point, he isn't a natural creature anymore. Also, the shot to the neck severed the head. I simply do not like describing that level of gory detail.
4873553
There is enough oxygen in the blood in the skull to keep a decapitated head alive for 10-15 seconds after being removed. Unless the brain is instantly and massively damaged by the attack, even guaranteed kills are not merciful in that sense...
4874539 Except said head isn't coherent or even conscious. Too much of a shock upon the severing of so much tissue.
4874544
Maybe, but that shock doesn't stop the brain from functioning (somewhat) for a time after the fact. That they even have time to go into shock is the problem.
4874579 I think you're missing the point here. It doesn't matter how long you are alive for after your head is severed. what matters is what the character thinks. he's not a doctor or a vet, nor has he spent much time studying anatomy. His grand total knowledge of how the body works is his first aid merit badge. since he doesn't know all of that stuff, and the text was from the first person view, he thought he was being merciful.
4872661 The picture I got in my head is something similar to the Rake
4874779 That is very similar, but its missing a few details (such as the claws on the feet, the spines on the back, and the long, interlocking teeth.) However, I don't think the idea came from the rake because this is the first time I've heard of this paticular creepypasta.
Interest peaked, I don't think I've seen this exact concept of body modification to a nightmarish apex predator. Let's see where this'll go, even if those updates will be long coming
4874687
The guillotine was concidered the most humane exicution method at the time, and one of the only ways to ensure death. It is (relatively) humane, even if the severed heads would move afterwords. So yes, 15 seconds to brain death is better than minutes of bleeding out.
Yes, beheading is a mercy in this one instance.
4872258 you think hitting trees in a game give you points
But the trees get points when the intercept you
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3993859840/h5F5CC0C3/
4874901
3.bp.blogspot.com/-0VJAVq5wC0w/TpB_OhZLuiI/AAAAAAAABEI/7G4L2o9c8Nw/s1600/Murloc.png
is this murloc any closer? give it a different color job and i think you got it.
4877134 Nah, the head's the wrong shape and the hands and feet are all wrong. The Rake was closer.
Liked and followed. I honestly see him as a slightly more deranged version of Wrath Asura from Asura's Wrath (just about one of the most badass games in existence, for reference. A whole lot of goddamn button mashing, though):
i.ytimg.com/vi/sJzAJg0N57U/maxresdefault.jpg
MOAR!!! Or I crush you
Right, so if I had to guess, I'd say that this story was about malevolent tree!
jk this story seems to be quite cool and your writing is really clever so keep it going!
This is like The Beauty and The Beast, I hope it does'nt end being like that, or hell who am I kidding, I don't care, as long as it is as well written as it is now we are good.
4882233 no. Its not going to be Beauty and the Beast. Let me get that out of the way right now.
4882233 Glad you like it though!
“But thats where the the similarities ended.” delete one of the “the”'s. otherwise, exceptional writing, sir
Totally awesome. Did you say you dreamed this? Quite creepy, more than a little disturbing, but in a fun way, and loaded with your characteristic writing humor. well played sir
excellent read, i wonder where this will go... if i am to make a guess, i think its gonna get to where the creature ends up befriending the ponies of ponyville, but it will take a long time for that.
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I love you!!! THIS isn't good.
THIS.
IS.
AMAZING!!!!
My goodness, what will the unknown being do with Carrot Top next?
Good hook. Ya got me for another chapter.
Constructive thoughts:
Adjectives are not your friends. Get them out of your writing.
Strong verbs are your friends. Strong verbs make for a strong narrative.