You tossed and turned all night thinking about what your mom said to you. "You'll find out soon enough" Her voice echoed though your thoughts.
"AHH!" You screamed jumping out of your bed. You breathed in and out really fast. You looked around and sighed knowing it was just a dream. You groaned before noticing that the area below your stomach was itchy. You were confused by this and looked down at the area.
"It's okay, Thunder. Colts your age normally have that happen to them" Your Mom said while you were slowly eating your breakfast. "Mom, it's the size of the Flagpole I made once" You said still eating your breakfast. Your mom blushed when you said that. You sighed. "I gotta go to school. Later Ma!" You said finishing your breakfast, grabbing your backpack, and running out the door.
"...And that's how babies are made" Your Health Teacher finished. You heard Freezy barf in a Trash Can after hearing that. "Sick" You mumbled to yourself.
After School...
"I didn't know my dad had one of those!" Freezy said walking next to you out of School. "I can't believe I came out of a open line" You said shuddering. "Sick dude, sick" Freezy said. You then noticed Snowdrop sitting on a stray cloud next to the School. "Hang on Freezy. I'll see ya later" You said looking at Freezy before flying towards the Cloud.
Snowdrop was deep in thought about something (You, doofus).
"Hey, Snowdrop!" You said flying over to her and sitting next to her.
"O-oh. Hey, Thunder" Snowdrop shyly said.
"You okay?" You asked poking her wing.
"Umm... Thunder?" Snowdrop said blushing.
"Yeah?" You said.
"I think I should repay you for helping me all those years" Snowdrop said with her cheeks turning Rose-Red.
"What do you mea-" You were interrupted by a pair of lips locking with yours.
You went wide-eyed because of this. One of your closest friends, just kissed you.
She stopped kissing you and smiled, nuzzling you.
'I think I got a Marefriend' You thought to yourself.
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"Is there something on your mind, Thunder?" Your mom asked you noticing that you were sighing happily. "I think I'm in love" You sighed dreamily. Your mom smiled and ruffled your mane. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" You yelled getting up and running towards the door and opening it to show somepony you thought you'd never see again.
"Dad?" You said.
The stallion in Royal Armor nodded and ruffled your mane.
'Two great things in a day? SCORE!' You thought to yourself.
"What did I miss, sport?" Your dad asked you.
"The lucky colt got himself a Marefriend" Your mom responded.
"I'm proud of you, sport!" Your dad said patting you on the back.
You smiled because of this. But something was clawing at the back of your mind. 'THE DANCE!' You thought which stopped you from smiling.
'Aww Buck' You thought mentally facehoofing.
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Well, today's the day before the dance... This is gonna be hard as BUCK!
You did the usual. Got out of bed, went downstairs, ate breakfast, and went to school. Here comes the hard part...
"...And the Ancient Hero of Equestria sealed..." Your History Teacher droned on about some Stallion who saved Equestria or something. "Psst!". 'Oh crap' You thought to yourself. You turned to see that stuck-up mare who asked you to the dance a few days ago. "You ready for the dance?" She asked you while smiling. You gulped. 'This is it' You thought.
"Hey! He's my date!": You heard Snowdrop yell. You turned to see Snowdrop with anger in her blind eyes. 'Ohhhhhh boy' You thought to yourself while sinking into your seat.
"As if! I asked him first!" The stuck-up mare yelled back. Everypony turned to see them argue.
"He's mine!" Snowdrop yelled.
"No! He's mine!" The rich mare yelled back.
"Thunder's mine!" Snowdrop yelled.
"No! Thunder's mine!" The rich mare yelled back.
They were so distracted by their fight that they didn't notice you sneak out of the Classroom.
You sighed as you slooped down outside of the room.
"Why me?" You said to yourself.
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After School...
"They're still arguing?" Freezy said sitting next to you and watching Snowdrop and the rich mare fighting for you. "Yep'" You said. "I bet Snowdrop will win. What about you?" Freezy said. "Not betting" You responded. "Uhh... Dude? That stuck-up mare is hitting Snowdrop!" Freezy yelled. "What!?" You yelled getting up and running towards them and stepping in between them. Only to be hit by the rich mare where your scar is, causing the wound to be ripped open, causing you to bleed. "GAH!" You screamed in pain.
The mare just looked at you wide-eyed before running away. Snowdrop heard your yelp of pain.
"T-thunder? Are you okay?" She sadly said with her ears down.
Blood dripped from your scar onto the cloud ground, causing it to turn red.
"Hang on dude! I'll get the nurse!" Freezy yelled running back into the school.
A crowd of the students at your school surrounded you with worried and surprised faces.
'Yep. Like I said. It was gonna be hard. And it was...' You thought to yourself before passing out from pain and blood loss.
END OF CHAPTER ONE
This story does seem nice, and it looks to have some excellent potential, like what one of your previous people who commented said. However, there are multiple punctuation and grammatical errors that should be looked over, though this can be fixed with the help on an editor. It would also help your case too if you made the stories a bit longer- not to the point where they drag out, mind you, but enough where we get a fair dosage for the chapter and have more than one or two events happen.
Overall though, great story, and I'll be on the lookout for more soon!
Emotions... emerge? Yea... couldn't be more subtle...
Your writing style reminds me of my style back when Ihad first started. That being said, it could be a great story if you mke the "improvement leap" that I did.
All and all. It is a very simple, nice story. Your doing good for a novince.
I loved it, it's a new style to me and i love it!!!!!
Please tell me she's aged up
4876927 Yes. She is aged up, Twilight.
A nice short little read, although you could use some work. Would you like an editor? I'm available if you do.
4876963 Whatever, Batty.
Snowdrop and the rich mare fight with you.
Snowdrop and the rich mare fighting over you, or fighting for you.
4877199 Fixed it!
Make more chapters!!!
4877238 STFU! Be patient!
Awesomer than awesome can get!!! ^-^ I love coming home and reading these. Your very good I must say :3
Now I'm not complaining or anything, but, how did you get this to upload with out having a different line to punctuate that some pony else was speaking? I thought that was a requirement?
Chapters on the short side, but okay.
Hey,I like the story in overall honesty
but in all due respect,you really need an editor If that's okay with you
4878656 Brain work. That's all.
4879580 Already have one.
4877104
Hey, I'm only offering my help. I still liked the story, and I'm looking forward to more, but I'm trying to help you improve on the minor things that detract from the story. No reason to get upset.
4880831 Okay, sorry. I just was making a joke, Batty.
4880849
It's okay. But seriously, if you ever want an editor, you can ask me. I'm free most of the time.
Interesting nickname, by the way. I don't think anyone's called me Batty before.
4880857 Okay, Batty. And you're welcome. I call you Batty because of your Avatar.
4880862
Makes sense.
This is the best thing ever.
4881622 Yay! Wait a minute....
R U a spy!?
Yup
Btw, where do you get your inspiration?
4881642 I saw that nobody has ever made a 2nd Person Story with Snowdrop in it. So I basically went 'YOLO!' with it and... This happened. Also teenager problems!
Practical problems.
I was not aware that I had a scar. Especially one that opens up when hit.
Idea: Next chapter, you can have Thunder dream about how he got his scar. perhaps that led to his father joining the royal army.
4924626 HOLY SHET! THAT IS A MOTHERBUCKING BRILLIANT IDEA! Also, the reason your scar can be opened so easily is because it takes a long time for scars over people's eyes to completely heal, and yours was still healing.
4924880