Halo: The Vampony Hunter

by Halo

Prologue

Prologue

It was a dark night in Phillydelphia. It had rained earlier that day so the ground was still littered with puddles. A red stallion was trotting down an alleyway. He had a blond almost sand colored mane and a white nose, and wore a black trench coat that covered his front legs with sleeves and his back, flank and hind legs. He wore a serious expression on his face as he methodically scanned the surroundings. There was a gasp from the end of the alleyway, not a loud one but one the stallion had heard many times before. He sprang forwards in a gallop and the reached the main road where he stopped for an instant and looked around. He immediately saw a black mare that looked like it was attached to a white unicorns neck. A red substance flowed from where the mare had her head, coloring her dress crimson. The stallion ran towards them with a speed that would embarrass the Wonderbolts. The black mare noticed and turned her head towards him, but he had already leapt into the air, his coat flew back revealing a wooden stake surrounded with a golden halo as his cutie mark. With a quick gesture of his left front leg he revealed a real wooden stake attached to a rail he wore under his coat, that slit into place with an inaudible click. The black mare attempted to dodge, but the stallion was too quick and landed on top of her, toppling her over. They rolled around a bit before the stallion emerged on top with his right hoof on her shoulder and his left on her cutie mark. The black mare hissed and showed her fangs as she tried to plant them in his throat, but before she had even gotten halfway he had already punctured her cutie mark. The black mare let out a silent shriek as she turned to dust. The stallion stomped his left hoof on the ground concealing the stake under his coat and then turned his attention to the unicorn. She wobbled a bit as she took a hoof to her head. The stallion inspected the two red dots on her neck, and was satisfied when they didn't grow larger.
He looked at the unicorn and said: “ Are you alright miss?”.
The unicorn thought for a moment before replying: “ I'm fine... I think... What happened?”.
“You we're attacked by some black mare, but I managed to scare her off” the stallion said.
She processed that for a moment and then seemed satisfied. Still befuddled the unicorn replied: “Oh
I see... Thank you very much. I don't know what this towns come too”.
The stallion sighed slightly and said: “I know, it's not safe at night anymore. Do you want me to help you get home?”.
“Thank you that would be lovely. I don't live far from here” the unicorn said, and started walking. The stallion followed her. A few minutes later the unicorn stopped and said: “By the way I never got you name”.
The stallion looked at her at her and said: “You can call me Halo”.

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Author's note:
I'm pretty new to writing so any constructive critiscism would be greatly appreciated. I'm also new to adding stories to this website, so any hints there would be lovely and greatly appreciated.

Comments

[Tarot Card]

indent at the beginning of paragraphs.

divide this into more paragraphs.
indent and start a new paragraph when there is dialogue, and the speaker changes. and don't use colons.
so this
He looked at the unicorn and said: “ Are you alright miss?”.
The unicorn thought for a moment before replying: “ I'm fine... I think... What happened?”.
“You we're attacked by some black mare, but I managed to scare her off” the stallion said.
turns into
He looked at the unicorn.
“ Are you alright miss?”. The unicorn thought for a moment before replying.
“ I'm fine... I think... What happened?”
“You we're attacked by some black mare, but I managed to scare her off” the stallion said.

don't use the flash pony generator for cover art. i've seen enough OCs facing to the left.

other notes: "fillydelphia" not Phillydelphia.

the writing is kinda wonky. not the mechanics, the style. i'm not too fond of the descriptions you used. or the action. it's hard to follow or get engaged in..

"place to sleep after Halo had rescued their daughters life." as i said, wonky.
also, don'y ponify "vampire". just use "vampire".

all in all, i think you should read some adventure novels or something, just to get a feel for what writing should be like.