Beware, privacy invading pony!
Beyond this line details the daily trials and tribulations of a devilishly handsome, marvelously powerful, stupendously magnificent, and humbly reformed Draconequus, writing his most inner thoughts and deepest secrets into the easily penetrated confines of paper and ink, which I see your prying, little hooves have managed to penetrate.
What was that? Why in the Equestria would an eternal being, such as myself, even deign to take the time out of his immortal life to catalog the mundane events that will surely bore you to tears?
You see, ol’ Sunbutt gave me a “Reformative Exercise” as she called it. Yes, as if her fancy wording is going to throw me off the real intention behind her actions. She simply wants to relish in the fact that she has given the former lord of chaos homework. Well, not wanting to upset her majesty, I readily obliged, and now I am to update a sort of diary, and send it to her by dragonfire every week. I sure don’t hope my clumsy little claw doesn’t slip and, erm, accidentally send her the entirety of the Royal Library above her horn. Oh, I can only imagine the pain and woe that would become of such a sincerely unintentional happenstance like that.
But I would never! I’m reformed!”
Anyhow, where shall I begin? In my eons upon epochs of years in existence, I could choose any of the edge-of-your-seat moments in my personal history, like the epic battle between the two sisters I had so long ago… or perhaps my mysterious and enigmatic birth into existence! Maybe my formative years, where I learned that the world was much harsher than I ever thought, or my tense, moral folly where I chose to betray my friends, only to be betrayed in the end!
Oh yes! I found a bit on the ground an hour ago.
So there I was, In the badlands just south of Aplloosa, just thinking. You see, when I’m feeling deep and emotionally angsty, I go there and think. I was, sitting atop a boulder, the sun beating down onto the brown, crispy land. I was, as I am most of these days, terribly bored. One of the downsides of being reformed, is I have essentially traded my ability to entertain myself for the acceptance of others. Now I’m not saying that I regret this decision, but if there is one thing that Tirek made me realize, it’s that. So instead of spending my time, gifting the presence of chas to others, I sit alone in isolation, making chaos with myself.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I must say I do love that little face, but that anyway... back to the point. I was chilling out, relaxing, maxing all cool, turning the rocks around me into a new creature I've invented. They look awful similar to your average bunny rabbit, except they have trumpets for mouths. They burst into life with little sparks of color, before roaming around the area and making little “noot noot!” noises, and they were adorable like nobody's business. So here I am, playing amongst my noot noots, when through the distorted air of the heat waves, I notice something. I used my hands and extended my eye into a telescope, and soon was surprised to see a truly horrible creature. There on the horizon, was an enormous two headed dog.
I immediately recognized the creature as an Orthros, having remembered a conversation I had with Fluttershy about them just a week or so earlier. It seemed to be in a rampage, stomping about the desert.
What was that? Why was there an Orthros in the middle of the desert? Well don’t ask me, I'm not responsible for everything, you know.
...
For those of you who are still suspicious of the credibility of this, I’ll have you know that the third or fourth thing that came to my mind was, ‘I should take this to Princess Celestia! She’s wise and responsible, she will know exactly what to do with this mystical and obviously dangerous creature.’
But then I thought, ‘What if she doesn’t like it?’ because I am such a worrywart.
But then, I had the most perfect solution to my problem, that I simply clasped my hands together mischievously with joy! I’ll take it to Ponyville! If they like, Sunbutt is sure to!
I had to take some safety precautions of course, so I carefully ran up to it, and weaved a magical leash of unbreakable energy and held the furious beast in place.
Then off I was! with a blink of magic and a snap of my fingers, I was in the main square of Ponyville, with terrified ponies of all three races, scattering about the street. They loved him! The looks of abject horror painted a picture I would be blind not to see. How could anyone not love this several ton organism of slobber and anger issues?
And there it was.
just sitting there all alone in it’s glory, waiting for my eye to catch sight of it!
A tiny little golden bit!
What kind of jaded, stuffed up, blue-blooded monster would I be to simply leave it there? I bent over to pick it up, stopping to flip into the air and catch it in my claw, admiring it in the sunlight. How pretty is money, right? and then I take a look closer, and guess what? It’s a rare date! bits from the 6th age that were magically minted in the griffon kingdoms are stupid rare. I was just finding neat stuff all over the place!
That’s when I went to go show my sick loot to the Orthros, only to find my giant, two headed dog missing.
“Peanutbutter?” I called out. “Where are you, you silly puppy?”
But he was nowhere to be found. I took a careful look around the area, before noticing something I hand’t noticed before. There, in the middle of one of the many cottages in Ponyville, was a curiously dog shaped hole, revealing another cottage with another odd dog shaped crater inside of it. I could see clean through the two houses, and at the very end of it, I saw a flurry of brown fur and rubble as the little devil tore through a third.
“Oh Peanutbutter, you’re so silly!” I called after it, running gleefully after the playful little ball of fur. Though I must confess, It was awful hard to even hear myself through the terrified screams of the resident equines.
Oh, I must've let go of his leash! I just realized that now. That’s how he got away.
So there I was, chasing after my lost puppy as he rampaged out of grief for loss of his dear master. What a tragic story to tell Celestia! Surely she will share my sympathies.
So I chased after Peanutbutter, only to find him bounding wildly towards the outskirts of the little town, before disappearing into the Everfree forest. To which point I shrugged and began walking back into town.
For some reason, the local ponies kept giving me these awful looks. I couldn't quite figure out why they were all so mad at me. After all it was Peanutbutter who had done the damage, not me, and now he's gone off and ran from his master. Sorry, Tia but I guess you won't get to see him after all.
I was strutting back into town, feeling awfully insecure about those faces ponies were giving me, until I was faced with a rather familiar purple one.
Oh, I must say she gets her temper from her teacher! Never had I received such a browbeating from a princess who hadn't usurped me in the past. I thought she was going to turn me into a statue by the end of it all! But yes, blah blah reformed, yadda yadda friendship, something or other about a dog, and she made me apologize in front of everyone and fix their houses, undoing all the fun I had just had. She's a bigger party pooper than Luna! And not even you can deny that one, Sunbutt.
But yes, yes, that is the price I pay for the friendship of dear Fluttershy.
So in conclusion, I'd like to say I've had a fun day, and I hope you enjoyed making me into a schoolboy.
Kisses!
- Discord
P.S. Sorry about the library, Celestia! I swear I jinxed myself on that one.
Excellent work!
You're really good at writing Discord. ^^
4663295 Ok I know I'm an odd fellow, but why would I write like anyone but myself? I'm glad you enjoyed invading my privacy however.
4663309
It took me I little bit longer then normal to get that; when I did, the windows almost shattered, I laughed so loud.
I like the story, but can't anyone find a better image for Discord trolling than that one? That has been used as the cover image for at least three other fics besides this one, and derpibooru is just full of images of Discord with a mischievous face or otherwise obviously being a troll.
4663317 alright, alright, as per your request, I have updated the cover art of me to something a little less.... Trite. Perhaps you will find this selection more to your tastes?
4663538
Much better. Cool.
... Peanutbutter?
24 likes
0 dislikes
So far it is a 100% increase from the other
Peanutbutter is an awesome name for the big puppy! It's even better than Fluffy.
Amazing story!
4666960
Why thank you, dear reader! I've been told I have an interesting life in the past, but I suppose this little situation one of my more colorful shenanigans. Unfortunately Celestia didn't share your feelings after reading my first entry.
She was... angry with me, to say the very least.
4667001
No problem! I hope Celestia didn't leave any permanent damage though......
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but in believe the phrase is "must have", not "must of".
Other than that, I loved it. Which is weird, because I hate Discord.
4668419
Why I do believe you are correct! Thank you for pointing out my childish handling of the English Language. All of my years alive and I still can't write a paper without messing up at least one the worfs.
Ah Discord, a 6th age bit you say? Quite impressive; though why you decided to have your diary on the internet where everypony can see it is beyond me. Poor Celestia, I do hope that your aim improves, after all you wouldn't want to accidentally drop an anvil you were writing on... While she is in the middle of a speech... With foreign dignitaries, no we don't want THAT to happen.
4668766
Well, well, well! We have a truly evil mind among us! Though it is a bit hard to burn an anvil, even with dragonflre. If I were to teleport an anvil above her head, I would be hard pressed to pass it off as an accident, let alone get myself out of the trouble that would surely follow.
And about my diary being on the Internet for all to see... What do I care? I'm the *cough* former, Lord of Chaos! What difference is it to me?
Your shenanigans will never cease will they? Cause if they don't I'd be one happy reader.
4666247
49 likes,
0 dislikes.
Perhaps, Discord, you should use the opportunity to send Celestia a package with the word "surprise" written on it. Nothing's funnier than watch someone work themselves into a panic at the raw possibilities of what could happen.
4670100
A prank long overused, I am afraid. As funny as it was the first couple times, I doubt I'd get a response above lackluster if I try it again. Unless of course I can deliver with something really big... I wonder where Peanutbutter got off too,
Discord, let me ask you something chaotic.
Are you aware that the brain of all intelligent creatures needs 0,80 seconds to process an action? And that the "Future" happens 0,01 seconds from our current time, does the future then happen in the past?
4672092 you make twilight angry for incorrect facts
the human brain processes actions faster then that.
and the future is about 10^−44 seconds apart from the past(plank time - the smallest meaningful period of time).
exit: forgot the ^ to indicate power of ten, also our *perception* of the present is actually the past, with just the time it takes for light to reach your eyes you are seeing the past.
4672092
4672460
Yes, and to answer your question about whether the future lies in the past... Yes and no. For us, the future may be just after we process what is around us, (0.01) which is still in the past, but the present of what is actually happening at the time is the future to us, making the future of the present future the future for both the future of our future and not present, but the future of our present, (the past of the real present.). We all live both ahead and behind of ourselves at any given moment.
In other words; time is stupid because I live forever.
Your math may be the teensiest bit off, however.
4672460
I like it!!! I can't wait to see what the chaotic being will do next with his powers but I have to say I was kinda on his side with Twilight's anger.
Can't wait for more
4672784 that is not where i got it, but it is still relevent.
Byoutaful
Discord, in the future, pets are most usually brought to appreciate and stay near their master through careful application of delicious treats and praise. Mostly the treats. Given the small cross section of your abilities you've chosen to show to those of us who choose to watch, perhaps you could bend your prowess in candy-manipulation to such a monumental task?
That said, I can't fault you for accidentally letting go of the leash, why I've left things half done for a dol
4692870
Mmm, candy. Is there nothing better than a small, gaudy little confection to appease a waning mood when times are at their roughest? I'd love to manipulate some candy in my mouth.
Before you say it, I'll have you know I'm as straight as a bendy straw, mind you.
4693539
No such questions entered my mind, I assure you.
I really like this so far. Good job. (loved that sun butt comment. lol)
Alright, this story is a winner! You have my fave.
Well.
This will be an interesting read. That's for certain.
Ok, ok, it's just the first chapter and I can't stop laughing! Oh Jesus Christ. You my friend, know how to write a good joke. Just,media3.giphy.com/media/6dJaim7ELSxmE/giphy.gif
Making chaos with myself, priceless!
Did anypony besides me read this in Discord's voice? I can only say this was a hilarious beginning, and I actually saw this chapter play out in my head, much funnier Lol! You did a wonderful job! I'm going to shut up, and continue reading now, this is exciting!