"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
After sprinting for about a day, Urist of The Divine TwinkleButts realized he was not thirsty nor hungry. The Lord yawned, and rubbed the inside of his mouth. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts felt fangs. 'Why did I drink the blood of that thing,' the Lord said, stomping the ground, 'now I have become an enemy to every civilization!'
After stomping the ground for a while, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts just sighed loudly, and continued on his walk.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts arrived on the outskirts of the city. There was a large statue out in front that showed some sort of unicorn with wings. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts checked around for a statue of Armok, but to the Lords dismay, he found none. Quizzically, the Lord went into the town in search of a shrine to Armok. The Master Axeman was seen by a pony clad in armor and, instead of talking, the pony immediately fired a crossbow bolt at Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, which the Lord easily deflected. The Lord took one step, and suddenly, peasants came out from their homes. Expecting the whole town to converge on him like on his other travels back home, a mother horse was slain by the Lord via a punch to the face. The horse child was slain by the Lord by an axe to the face. while blocking yet another bolt with his reflexes. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts picked up the body of the child horse and threw it at the crossbow... horse. The crossbow horse dodged, but the crossbow horse threw up on the sight of the child's body exploding on impacting the nearby wall. As the crossbow horse threw up, another armored unicorn came, this one with no weapon. The Weaponless Unicorn was about to say something, but then Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts threw the mother horse at him, knocking off his head. The Weaponless Unicorn was slain, making the Crossbow Horse throw up once more in utter disgust. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then fled into the house, where two child horses were huddled in a corner.
The Lord look around a bit and found a large chest containing everything the family once owned. The Lord threw the chest at the children. One child horse was slain after being crushed, the other child horse was knocked unconscious. The Lord ran to their bodies and, seeing how they were some evil, malevolent, non-Armok worshiping race, butchered their corpses and took 30 'Earth Pony Colt Meat' from their bodies.
So these things are called ponies?Aren't these what Dwarves rode before I slaughtered them?, The Lord thought.
The Lord sighed and licked the blood off of his body. When he was done licking, the Crossbow Horse finally arrived into the house. The Crossbow Horse fired a bolt, but it was deflected by Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts' <<Copper Shield>>. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts threw a Earth Pony Colt Corpse at The Crossbow Horse. The spinning Earth Pony Colt Corpse strikes The Crossbow Horse in the upper-body, tearing apart the left lung, right lung, and heart! The Crossbow Horse has trouble breathing and the Earth Pony Child Corpse has lodged firmly within the wound!The Crossbow Horse retches. The Crossbow Horse Suffocated.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts got down on his knees and prayed that Armok would torture those merciless and foul creatures forever.
Armok, Cool Guy
"Sorry Bud," Armok said, eating High God Intestines, "can't do anything about that uglyhorsegod's ugly horses, although I would torture them forever... along with those evil creatures called 'Cats'."
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
The Lord got off his knee and went to the door leading outside. After opening the door, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was met with and army of one-hundred peasants. The Lord smiled. First, off there was a father, and his son, trying to avenge their mother/wife and brothers/sons. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts swung his mighty Bloodsteel axe and decapitated the father.Unicorn Stallion died of having no head disease. The Lord then threw the father into the son. The Unicorn Stallion's Corpse stuck the Unicorn Colt's head, shredding the brain. Unicorn Stallion Corpse has lodged firmly into Unicorn Colt's head! Unicorn Colt died of having no brain. Urist dove into the bodies and began butchering them in front of the crowd. Everypony threw up. Then, of course, the smell was far too strong for pony noses. Everypony was knocked unconscious. Because of his superior will, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to brave the puke sea and decapitate every sing unconscious pony. Those that woke up went right back down due to the stench of both blood and vomit ever present, so nopony was left alive, foreverypony had died of idiot disease.
Instead of running away like a first-time adventurer, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts instead opted to butcher EVERY LAST CORPSE. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts gathered all of the skins and bone, raided the now abandoned workshops for their iron, and took every last spleen. With the first three things he gathered, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to make a new set of nice, light, armor. The Lord removed and dropped his heavier set of armor, except the cape, and the lord moved to a Armorsmith's bench.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts created, and equipped, an <<Iron-Studded Unicorn Pony Leather Armor>>!
Desc:
This Iron-Studded Unicorn Pony Leather Armor was crafted by Master Armorsmith Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts created, and equipped, "The Horned Helm", a legendary Iron-studded Unicorn Pony Leather Helmet!
Desc:
The Horned Helm was crafted by Master Armorsmith Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts. It has a pair of miscolored pony ears (left blue, right red) and has a unicorn's horn in the middle. Engraved on the Unicorn's horn is a picture of Alvie of the Damned TwinkleButts, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts' best friend, giving a thumbs up. Engraved on the rim of the helmet is the words "Armok is good, Armok is blood."
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts created, and equipped, "The Horned Trousers", a legendary Iron-studded Unicorn Pony Leather Trousers!
Desc:
The horned Trousers was crafted by Master Armorsmith Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts. Engraved on the upper left leg, on the front, is the picture of "The BloodRunner", Urist TwinkleButts' (Urist of the Divine TwinkleButt's dad) legendary Adamintite Toy Halberd, that slew 500 nightcreatures in one night. Engraved on the upper left leg, on the back, is a piece of cheese that Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts ate on the 3rd of Slate.
Tired of all the banging and the clanging and the woozout, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts went out of the city, and into the fields, once more. Reaching a place he felt comfortable (steep cliffs of two Z high surrounded him on seven sides, only one side open), Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts curled into a ball, ate a spleen, and went to sleep.
4654115 My current human-necromancer adventurer, Urist of the Stupid Urist, has killed every deity on the map and has drunk their bood. I have one deity in my backpack that I throw at humans trying to block my destructive ways. I have necromanced my lobbed off arm se that it may fight with me against the evil humans. It is glorious.
I have him retired as a peasant in some dwarf town, though, just because I felt he lived a good life.
How long is it going to take wife horse goddess to notice this abomination to creation wandering her utopia?
Also, I can't help but wonder if we'll see other viewpoints than Urist McUrist, or even if this story takes place during the same period as Luna's return.
4654248 That makes every adventure I've ever had seem tame in comparison... And some of my fortress events...
4654506 1. Who knows, but it has literally only been less than a God Hour ( every day is a god hour) and Urist has already fucked over a town.
2. You will see other viewpoints... over Urist's dead body!
3. If you want a lethal adventurer, become an axeman and try to find an Execrable Ash cloud, for it will zombiefy you in an awesome way. Also, put all defence points into shield, not dodge, for you are more likely to block an arrow than jump out of its way.
The more u know!
Loving the story so far but mostly what I'm wondering right now is why isn't there a dwarf fortress group up yet?
4654930 Huh, I never really considered using a shield, since early on it always seemed like inefficient dead weight. And I never survived long enough for me to not regret putting points into shield.
Maybe I could put the points mainly into dodge, but still enough to get a shield, then train with the shield early on by slaughtering a village for exp?
Anyways, no other viewpoints? Now I'm wondering how the story will go ultimately.
4658872 Never put points in dodge. When you dodge, you sometimes dodge into something really, really, bad. Also, dodgeing does not work as much as blocking in deflecting damage.
Sheids are not dead weight, for they are the only defense a character has in close combat before high-level armor.
Also, the new update for Dwarf Fortress came out today. have not played it yet, but just thought you should know ☺
4658864 Not that many people love DF, but I know that if they tried it, it would be just like when they first watched MLP:FiM
Interesting story you have there. It's quite the unique way of writing.
And your entry for the mayhem contest has been noted.
Fave and up vote for future chapters and interesting story.
Dragon
KILL EVERYTHING THEN BATH IN THE SEA OF BLOOD LEFT!!!!!!! HAIL ARMOK!!!!