The hazy sound of summer is bustling throughout the town, the people seem to be out in full swing. You smile at the bustle of activity. The shoes of the people around you pitter on the cobblestone streets, making a sort of chaotic rhythm to the scene. The air is thick with people’s voices, talking and trading. You lean against the front of a shop, watching the people as they go about their shopping and general townley chores, watching the tattoos they have on their necks. Each one is different, each one meaning something different. You rub your neck where your tattoo is, feeling the little bits of raised skin where it hasn't healed yet.
It is a tradition in the town and surrounding areas to get a tattoo when you enter adulthood, the most important tattoo of all was the neck tattoo, people call it a Cutie Mark. People often spend their adolescent years looking for what they want to do for the rest of their lives. Going through school, going out to jobs, helping other people, and when they find what they like, and what they want to do for the rest of their lives, they get their Cutie Marks. You got your Cutie Mark not too long ago.
You sigh and lower your hand, slipping it into your pocket, fiddling with the pen and the various little things that have found their new home in your pocket. You lean off the wall and begin to wander the market, looking over what was for sale. Basic things you’d find at a flea market, knick knacks, homemade things. The local farms are there selling their produce, milk, cheese, meat, various fruits and veggies. The biggest booth belongs to Sweet Apple Acres, they have the biggest farm in the town. You ventured down the farm stalls, looking over the corn and tomatoes until you came to the apple stall.
“Howdy! It’s good to see ya again! Same thing as always?” You hear a familiar voice with an unmistakable twang.
“Hey, and no thanks, kinda tight on cash right now AJ.” You reply, politely shaking your head.
“That’s alright, take one, it’s on the house.” The girl behind the counter gives a wink and tosses an apple to you.
“Thanks AJ, I owe you one.” You say, catching the apple and rubbing it on the sleeve of your t-shirt.
“Ya owe me fifty,” She chuckles. “Oh hey, I see ya finally got your Cutie Mark.”
“Yeah, got it a few days ago, it’s still a bit sore. Feels weird too, kinda like the muscle is stiff.” You explain while rubbing your tattoo.
“No rubbin’, and I know how you feel, it’ll take some time to heal, but yours looks like it’s healin’ rather well. I got mine two years ago, it was weird for a while, but before ya know it, it feels fine and normal.” She says as she pulls her blonde ponytail out of the way to reveal her Cutie Mark.
“I see, well I hope it’s sooner than later, this is a little painful.” You say, taking a bite of the apple.
“You worry too much, like I said, before ya know it, it’ll feel fine. Now, get a move on, I've got other customers.” She says, turning to tend to the other people who've shown up.
You nod to her and continue down the line of stalls, taking bites out of your apple. It is a good apple, one of the best. It’s a staple in the area, since Sweet Apple Acres is one of the biggest exporters in the town. As you walk down the path you come across the flower stalls, a very pleasant scent fills the air. You very rarely come down this part of the market, and when you did, it usually means you’re trying to fix something with someone. But this time it’s an accident, and you don’t mind, it’s a nice day out. The colors of all the flowers shine bright in the sun, like a rainbow, but actually physical, and closer to the ground. You linger in front of a booth, just staring into the arrangements. There is a certain bunch of roses that really catch your eye. They are the same shape and size as a normal rose, but each pedal is a different color. Blue, red, green, orange, yellow, it’s an explosion of color. You’re so taken in by this flower you almost ignore the person talking to you.
You look up to meet the gaze of an unfamiliar face. She looks to be the same age as you, but you don’t recognize her from anywhere. Her hair is short and red, with a lighter almost pink streak in the front. Her eyes are a dark emerald green and her skin is a pale white. Her Cutie Mark looks new, the skin around it is red and slightly raised, like yours. It is of a single rose.
“Hello sir, see something interesting?” The girl asks in a soft voice.
“U-uh, wh-what do you mean by interesting?” You ask in return.
“Well, you just sorta stopped and stared into my stall, I figured you spotted something interesting… Or wrong.” She said, looking to where you were staring.
“Oh, no, well, yes. These roses here, I've never seen them before.” You point to the bushel of bright multicolored roses.
“Oh those. Those are called Rainbow Roses. They’re really hard to find around here. I had to get them brought in from Canterlot. They’re grown this way using magic, I don’t know exactly how it’s done, but it makes a beautiful result, don’t you think?” She asks, her voice laced with excitement.
“Yeah, they are quite beautiful.” You reply with a smile, taking the chance to look over this girl’s face again. Something about it you like, it’s soft and welcoming. She looks up and meets your gaze, both of you look away shyly.
“Uh, so would you like to buy one? They’re great for that special someone in your life.” She says, a nervous tone apparent in her voice.
“No thank you, there’s no special someone for me. But it was nice to see the flowers and have this quick talk.” You reply, trying to break the awkwardness.
“O-oh, well I hope I was able to teach you something.” She says, perking back up with a smile.
“You have, now I have to get going, I've been holding this apple core and my hand is all sticky now, I’ll see you around.” You give a nod and a smile before turning to leave.
“Alrighty,” She smiles once more and gives a little wave. A few seconds later she calls out to you. “Hey wait! I have a question!” You hear her voice and stop, you pitch the apple core into a dumpster across the road. You wipe your hands and head back to her.
“What’s the question?” You say calmly.
“I noticed your tattoo, it looks fresh, did you just get it?” She asks, the nervousness returning.
“Yeah, a few days ago.” You say raising an eyebrow and running a finger along your tattoo.
“I got mine a few days ago too,” She paused and turned her head to show her tattoo. “My name is Rose by the way.” She smiles at you with a tiny bow.
“Rose, I’ll remember that.” You return the smile and give your name in reply. An awkward silence follows.
“Uh, I won’t keep you, if you have to get going.” She shuffles some flowers around in their stands and looks away.
“Yeah, I really do have to get going,” You let out a little sigh. “Hey Rose, I’ll see you around.” You give her another nod and begin to walk away.
You can feel her eyes on the back of your head, burning into your skull. You push your thoughts aside as you look up to the sky, some Seraphs are flying by. Thoughts of flying begin to seep into your mind. What’s it like? How does it feel? Is it easy? How high can you go? All these things just manifest themselves in your brain. You shake your head and bring your thoughts back to the street ahead of you. Avoiding the people who are walking by.
~*~*~
After a day of wandering around the town you head home. The sun is just beginning to set, the sky a throw of orange, the clouds look like floating fireballs. You gaze up at the scene and head towards the town square, it’s a shortcut to your house. The town grew quiet over the day, and now it’s almost silent. The only noise coming from the few birds that sing the town to sleep, and from the few people who weren't done their business. You feel your legs start to sting from all the walking you've done today so you decide to rest by the fountain. You approach it and sit on the edge, the sound of the water bringing a calming tone over the square. You lean back on your arms and cross your legs at the ankle, letting out a tired sigh. It’s been a good day you think to yourself and you recall the events of the day. You close your eyes as you think back. Spent an hour in the market, met that girl Rose. She was cute… Yeah, she was really cute. Um… Went to the arcade, spent too much time and money there. Went to lunch with some friends and now I’m here… Yep, a good day indeed.
You subconsciously smile as you go over the day, but you’re pulled back to reality when you hear footsteps coming up beside you. You open your eyes a crack and peak to the right, you notice Rose walking by, she looks exhausted. She shambles like a zombie past you and sits on the other end of the fountain, completely ignoring your existence. You shrug it off and look around the square. The sun casting its orange hues over the alleys and streets, the buildings casting grand shadows on the ground. You’re quite entranced with the whole picture around, but you’re taken out of it when you hear mumbling. You shake your head and listen again, the mumbling coming from the other side of the fountain. You look over and see Rose sitting by herself mumbling. You look at the way she’s sitting, she’s hunched over and looking at the ground, her body screams that she’s about to just slump over and pass out. You stretch your legs and stand up, making your way over to Rose. She’s completely oblivious to your presence.
“Uh, hey Rose.” You say, trying to get her attention. Without warning she lets out a violent jump and clutches her chest, looking at you wide eyed.
“O-oh, it’s just you. Didn't hear you come over here. Scared the life out of me.” She says between breaths, she soon calms down and lets out a small smile. You notice the bags under her eyes.
“You look exhausted, was it a busy day?” You ask, trying to confirm what you think you already know.
“You have no idea. About an hour after you left some woman came up saying she needs an entire arrangement for a wedding. It was chaos, she couldn't make up her mind, then she said she was running late, then she didn't have enough money and it just went on. Then after that it was busier than it normally is. So yeah, it was a busy day.” She explains in a tired heavy voice, ending with a yawn.
“Maybe you should head home and get some rest, since you’re so tired.” You say with a chuckle.
“Yeah, I’m on the verge of passing out as is. I guess I’ll get going myself,” She slowly stands and lets out another yawn, stumbling a little. You notice a little bit of color begins to fill her cheeks. “Um, hey. You wouldn't mind walking me h-home would you?” She asks nervously.
“Uh, y-yeah, sure.” You reply with a surprised tone.
“Y-you know it can be dangerous for a young g-girl walking a-alone at dusk.” She says as more color floods to her cheeks.
“Y-yeah, it can be. L-lets get going then.” You reply with an equally shaky voice. Rose nods and begins to walk in the direction of her home.
The two of you walk in awkward silence for a few minutes, questions filling your mind. You watch Rose as she walks a few steps in front of you, watching as she sways left and right tiredly. She stumbles a little bit and she looks paler than usual. You pick up the pace and walk next to her. She looks over to you with heavy eyes. She takes a step close and latches onto your arm, your heart skips a beat. It’s been a long time since something like this has happened. You look over and she’s holding onto your right arm with both of hers, she’s barely applying any pressure and she’s slightly leaning on you. She must be ready to pass out you say in your head. Before long she tugs on your arm towards a house.
“This one is mine. Thanks for walking me home.” She says weakly while she digs through her pocket and pulls out a key.
“You’re welcome. Like you said, it’s dangerous, just protecting a pretty lady,” You cringe as the words escape your mouth, you mentally kick yourself in the stomach. “Uh, I mean, um….” Before you could finish your sentence Rose throws her arms around you and wraps you in a weak hug.
“Smooth man, real smooth,” She says before letting go. “I guess I’ll see you around.” She gives another weak smile before unlocking the door and going into her house.
You just stand there for a few minutes taking in what just happened. Your mind is a big ball of confusion. Was that genuine? Was she aware she did that? What did I do? You just shake your head and make your way home. Maybe tomorrow will bring answers.
Sweet little story, had a good d'aaaaw moment at the end.. Can't wait to see where you take this.
that picture of rose luck is just so CUTE!!!
This is actually pretty good! It's short, sweet, and to the point, and most of all, it's realistic. I have high hopes in you, my man, high hopes!
What is up with all these Roseluck stories? I'm not angry at them; it is just surprising. She has become rather popular.
I love it! I love and I don't care! Thanks man, finally something good around here
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Oh no! Expectations! My worst enemy But thanks man, I hope I don't disappoint
Female writer checking in and not too shabby, I have to say. I found it a little odd that you didn't make any reference to his name, I mean, I know it's an Anon style of work, but you could have at least popped an 'and offered your name in return' before the awkward silence. But no big deal, the rest was simple and sweet enough to make up for the awkward writing moment as well as the in-character faux-pas.
So many writers make the mistake of rushing, one chapter and Blam! There's all the development you need, apparently, for romance to happen. But this is simple, it's the right pace for this opening chapter.
Now, somebody told me once that there's two means to make a story interesting, the way of Conflict, and the way of Event Juxtaposition. The second way is infinitely harder to do in written terms, and we're not expecting you as a fanfiction writer to present us with a masterpiece. That said, don't forget to throw in the barriers. The end goal is them together? Then what's stopping that? What's going to get in the way, or what mistakes is our intrepid hero going to make to put it all in jeopardy?
Now, I'm sure you've got it all planned out, so I'll leave it there, but I'm here to put another set of Expectations on you, since I rather like this first chapter Don't let me down!
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GAH! EVEN MORE EXPECTATIONS! And thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind, but I have to share a my reasoning behind the nameless protagonist. I've had lots of conversations with other writers and other writers of second person fics, they all seem to say the same thing one way or another. The protagonist is supposed to be "you", you're supposed to be able to affiliate with the hero. Yes, I admit it's somewhat impossible to do when you're thrown into a situation and the character acts completely different then how you would if you were put in the same place. That being said, a lot of people get kinda angry when you name the "you" character, some people think it locks in the character instead of giving them the freedom to build their own pictures of what "you" are supposed to look like and how "you" are supposed to act. I personally don't care if "you" have a name or not, I read as an escape, so I'll take what I can get. It all depends on the opinion of the reader. And I'm just shit with names, hell, Shadowswipe, what is that? Some sort of black cat? If I were to name the character I'd most likely end up naming them after me, then people who know my real name would yell at me.
This is a special case though, since it is a human story I will have to work around the pony style naming conventions, seeing as no human would name their kid Apple Jack or Rainbow Dash. So I could write in a character name.... IDEAS! Anyway, I do have the basic plot laid out, I have the conflict somewhat planned out, this being a human fic there's a lot I can do. And the end goal will be developed, plot wise, in the next chapter and completely realized by the third at the latest.
Anyway, that's a really messy way of explaining my view behind it. I'm better at voicing my opinion than I am at typing it, something between my brain and my hands messes up the over all message of what's being said.
I like, I Like! I LIKE! Doesnt feel too rushed and sounds like a more natural course of action for a first meeting. Could you give us an insight on Anons Cutie Mark is? Also in your description you talk about a new pony not new girl. Just thought Id point that point that out. I look forward to the developments. Like, favourite and follow from me. :-)
4617020 Sweetheart, you misunderstand, you never have to use 'your' name, just point out that other characters or 'you' use it. Phrases like 'you hear somebody calling your name' and 'you signed your name' instead of actually using a given name are perfectly acceptable uses of language without specifying what that name is.
I only pointed it out at all because, as a reader, it turned the awkward silence right after Rose told 'you' her name into a kind of rude one, see?
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Okay, that makes more sense. I read that right after I woke up, so the meaning flew past me. I'll make a note of it and include it next time.
Good story so far. Some of the dialogue is a little clunky, but it's flowing pretty well.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes from here.
Yes, I'm loving it. Rose is such an underrated character and I like to see her.
Instant like cause cover art
Dat cover art got me Interrested.
great work so far
will this just be a one shot or will there be more?
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Well, seeing as I'm writing chapter 2 right now, I think it's going to be a multi-chapter story!
4621989 YAY! I can edit some what for you if you need an editor.
Cutesy romance. Not bad.
Although, I was expecting more conflict in this romance here. I feel like having two characters that meet each other for the time, suddenly being infatuated with another without 10 minutes passing, is a weak version of a romance plot, one that can easily get started and done with, unless you add in a few dramatic misunderstandings or love triangles. It just feels so... simple, that two characters meet and then suddenly like each other so quickly. (But that's just my own opinion, please don't hate me for liking different types of romances in stories.)
But, as long as this story goes smoothly, I don't think I'll mind.
Faved and liked. You, sir/ma'am, have earned yourself a mustache.
Doesn't seem rushed to me
In fact, it seems rather sweet!
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Oh don't you worry, it's going to have its fair share of twists and turns
We need more Roseluck fics. You sire, have my full approval and stalker tendencies.
Ah, nothing better than a good Roseluck fix to help me with my fan fic. I'm making a Spike/Yu-Gi-Oh! GX crossover, and I needed a break.
Author? AUTHOR?! MOAR! Where is the MOAR?! Y DO?
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Hmmmm, I have a feeling I should delay the next chapter by four months
Just kidding, should be soon, but, I have been putting it off since I just got a PS4
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...
Ooh, time to put on the sax.
Dat cover art!
Quite a sweet story so far, and I like it, but... there's no way to sugar coat it: you seriously need an editor. I think this story may have a great deal of potential, but there are numerous grammatical and stylistic errors that detract from it. I think it could be made into something a bit more special if given an editorial shine.
For example:
When writing dialogue like this, you should use a period and not a comma before the closing quote marks. Also, you shouldn't capitalise pronouns (he, she, you, we, they, etc.) except for "I". For example:
"I like your roses," you say, picking up a flower at random.
"Those are from my own garden," she says, a note of pride evident in her voice.
Change the comma to a semi-colon. I've noticed quite a few comma splices throughout this story, as well as a fair bit of other misplaced punctuation.
Of the town.
Avoid repetition.
Do. 'Did' is past tense, and you're using present tense in this sentence.
Get rid of this comma.
Petal. (Pedals belong on bicycles, not on flowers.)
Missing a couple of words in this sentence.
You use a great deal of 'You do activity/action' - try mixing things up a little. For example, the previous three sentences could be rewritten as:
Send me a PM if you're interested in an editor, and I'll go over it in detail where I think thing could be improved.
Respectfully,
The Ponytrician.
MOAR! Would you kindly give us more!
There needs to be more Rose-mance fics out there.
...I am flubbergusted. That was very intriguing. I hope to see more!
Never been a fan of 2nd person... until now that it.
I beggeth of thee, great master of story writing, and god of storytelling, to continue this story, it gives me the d'awwws, along with other ppl. Comma, Comma, Comma,
Interesting... continue
great work Shadowswipe as usual stoked for next chapter!!
MOAR, please update soon :(
Please continue soon.
Yo, someone did a reading of this story, go show him some love.
I promise I'll put something out,
someday.Almost a year later and still nothing, huh? I'm super sorry guys. My drive to write has been almost nothing. I'll probably put a blog out soon explaining everything. Thanks to those who still hold out hope, I know it must be hard.
I'm curious to see how this relationship shall grow.
Please continue.