A tale involving The young Colt, Rumble, and one of his two foal-sitters, Cloudchaser, While Thunderlane has gone on vacation to Tanzebra, Zecora's home
4598575 Proofreading is when you have another person with a good understanding of spelling and grammar read the story before you publish it so they can find mistakes so you can correct them.
I think this deserves a like and follow, cause I can see where he's coming from, don't be mean, he deserves what I'm giving him if you look at it the way he's trying to tell you the story.
Some stuffs for chu to look at mr./ms. Author: Manhood... They are ponies with no concept of humans... It should be colthood... And then the whole "don't worry, I'm your friend, and friends have sex!" And then they had sex thing... She should have taken more time to explain what sex was before the 19 lines of it, with a 3 line explanation of cum... Just some pointers, don't hate me
No hate man no hate ok...buuuuuut get some editors work on pacing and check your grammar and punctuation heck I'm not Shakespeare, but this was kinda hard to read not trying to bash you simply criticize you to help you now then off I go and please continue to improve your skills like I know you can.
closest friends to watch over Rumble while he's gone.
However, Thunderlane decided to let Rumble stay at Cloudchasrer's house
All of a sudden, Thunderlane heard the doorbell rang,
"Hi, Thunderlane." She said in a cheerful tone before entering the house and closing the door. (——
You forgot to put periods at the end of a lot of sentences! I’m not gonna point them all out. Edit 9/14/2019:
"Me too. Well...not that we got that out of our systems, would you like anything?" Asked cloudchaser
"Yep, If that's what you want, then I'll make one for you." said Cloudchaser. "but, it's a forthere really for the microwave if that's alright with you."
"Rumble!" said Cloudchaser, moving her hoof around Rumble to snap him out of his trance.
After that, Rumble asked Cloudchaser "Do you think Flitter is doing okay right now?"
——) “Well I don't know for sure, buddy, but I think she is dong just fine. Tell you what we'll go visit her tomorrow."
"Good idea." Rumble replied. Suddenly, the young colt felt pleasures that he couldn't describe. He suddenly had an idea. Although he already got clean by taking a shower this morning, he said "Can...can I use your shower, I forgot to take one, this morning."
Cloudchaser had did many activities together and how they laughed with each-other.
He dashed towards the bathroom and slammed the door after he went in, locking it.
he groaned "It...uh...must have been the hay burger.”(—— He continued groaning. He was pretending to have explosive diarrhea.
You're in love with me, aren't you?"
"Oh come on, Rumble.”(—— said Cloudchaser in a comforting voice as she sat down next to him on the floor.
Rumble, however covered his manhood. "Please...don't.” (——
Edit 9/15/2019:
Cloudchaser then got the colt's entire cock out of her mouth and looked at him moaning, and panting in his ecstasy.
The mare got his manhood out of her mouth again and said "It's okay Rumble. It's not pee, it's cum. If you're wondering what that is, it's a liquid created from your
And so the fellatio continued on for almost an hour,
Rushed, but other then keep it up!
Will read later......
Only a matter of time before Rumble brings the thunder.
....I...I some what find this ok...
Will read after you proofread it.
Just a thought; Never publish without at least a basic bit of proofreading.
4597950 What do you mean, proofread?
I think you need a big helping of PROOFREAD.
4598575
Proofreading is when you have another person with a good understanding of spelling and grammar read the story before you publish it so they can find mistakes so you can correct them.
Well
I think this deserves a like and follow, cause I can see where he's coming from, don't be mean, he deserves what I'm giving him if you look at it the way he's trying to tell you the story.
Pacing!
Some stuffs for chu to look at mr./ms. Author: Manhood... They are ponies with no concept of humans... It should be colthood... And then the whole "don't worry, I'm your friend, and friends have sex!" And then they had sex thing... She should have taken more time to explain what sex was before the 19 lines of it, with a 3 line explanation of cum... Just some pointers, don't hate me
Coltphilia. Yummy.
No hate man no hate ok...buuuuuut get some editors work on pacing and check your grammar and punctuation heck I'm not Shakespeare, but this was kinda hard to read not trying to bash you simply criticize you to help you now then off I go and please continue to improve your skills like I know you can.
Send me the story and and I shall help you with the proofreading... because it still needs a bit and I hate to see this all jumbled like it is. :l
You forgot to put periods at the end of a lot of sentences! I’m not gonna point them all out.
Edit 9/14/2019:
Edit 9/15/2019: