Derpy
"The what," I said very confused.
"You'll see when we get there," the Doctor said.
Then I realized he was talking about his really tiny house.
Doctor
She didn't talk much when we were walking there, she probably knew what I was talking about.
"There she is, The TARDIS" I exclaimed.
"Um, Doctor that's just a tiny blue box," she said.
Derpy
"You brought me back here just to see your blue box again," I said angrily.
"Just come on in," he said as he entered the box.
I stood there because it sounded like he was really far in the box, but it was tiny.
"You coming in or what" he yelled to me.
I entered the box and what I saw made my draw drop.
"What... how is this possible" I exclaimed.
I entered and exited the box many times to see if I was going crazy or not.
"It's bigger on the inside" I said.
"Yes it's the TARDIS which stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space" he said.
"So your saying this box is a time machine space ship thing"I said confused.
"Well yes but without the thing part." he said
"But anyways a new universe that we will explore in the TARDIS, are you ready to go?" he asked.
"Okay where to first?" I asked in return.
"Wherever you want to go in any time and any where." he said in return.
"How about the moon" I said.
"Then lets go" he exclaimed.
This,this is bad. The grammer, the structure, the awkwardness and you thinking that the doctor always picks his first companion by looking at her.
The doctor is incredibly OCC in this story,just because he's a pony does not make him a different character! The doctor does not tell the truth to the first magical talking pony he sees, then lie to her for no apparent reason ( even though she already knows pretty much everything in like, 8 simple structured sentences). The doctor should be shocked by the fact he is now a pony and his TARDIS fell out the sky and he shouldn't be judging Ditzy so harshly on the fact that he just met her.
An easy way to correct this is to memorize how the doctor acts in doctor who and how he would probably act in this situation. What I do when I encounter when i do crossover is watch some episodes to catch-up on the characters character.
When a pony or something in a story is talking to another, try not to use the word 'said' all the time after they talk, this can be very annoying to the reader after a while
for example, you wrote:
try using a wide verity like:
And you should also try writing paragraphs, not writing a sentence and pressing that enter button write away.
sadly it gets annoying.
And it not a very good writing technique.
(And a bad habit)
don't you agree?
Last but certainly not least try to make it a bit longer. For example, the beginning was very short and rushed.
you wrote:
try adding length and something that draws the reader in:
Anyway I'm sure you can really improve this from bad-to-good if you try!
(here's a follow and a like to get you motivated)
4 hours of the best epic motivational music:
p.s why did you you out that london is in Europe? that's like me saying that Washington D.C is in north america or that Hong Kong is in asia! (it's just kinda confusing!
Thanks for the helpful criticism, I didn't wanna make him act surprised because Thatcher happened in Ponies with Pockets did with their story so I didn't want to copy it. But thank you for telling me what's wrong with it, I will try my best to make this story better! :)
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Just joking!