Hi all, it's ping111 again, here with a quick side-story to A Little Twist - Mareci mon Ami. If we replace "Mareci" with "Merci", we get "Thank you, my friend" in French. This story was inspired by a second run-through of "The Cutie Pox" and my own ability to speak the 'language of love'. I also love just to look at funny fanart people have made on DeviantArt, and the story cover struck me. I give full credit to whoever made that dashing image. Luckily, this story was not jotted in Hebrew, but in fact, mostly in French. Another difference in the notes is that I actually wrote the first couple paragraphs (Waking up and the dream sequence) instead of just bullet points, with plenty of eraser marks where I accidentally continued to write in French. As you can tell, this story will make tons more sense if you have a slight knowledge of French and its culture (or a handy Google Translate tab open). Now kick back, relax, grab a croissant and beret, and enjoy the sweet song of my words weaved at the looms of the mind. Enjoy!
The distant sun's glare rose slowly over the looming horizon like fingers, casting long, crimson shadows on the endless rows of sturdy trees. The morning dew twinkled as it dripped off the sweet, juicy apples hanging from the branches. It was a brand new day in Ponyville, and Apple Bloom - well, wasn't quite brand new herself. Moaning lightly at the sunbeam who had targeted her tender eyes like a cruel sniper, she rolled over. Plushy down pillows found themselves further compressed, and warm blankets wrapped tighter than ever around her body. Her lips were turned up in a sleepy grin as she observed the machinations of her subconsicous.
"Wow, Apple Bloom," the orange pegasus cried in shock as she gazed upon the farmer pony's pastel flank. "You finally got your Cutie Mark!"
"What exactly is it?" Sweetie Belle questioned directly, and without flourish - so unladylike.
"Golly, thanks guys!" Apple Bloom beamed. "Ah think it's a flower or sumthin'. Ah reckon ah saw it during the whole Cutie Pox fiasco. It does seem awful familiar."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders laughed in unison before clumping together in a hug. However, it was during this warm show of affection that something strange happened. Scootaloo, looking crestfallen, murmured something the Apple pony couldn't comprehend, as if it were a secret language. Rarity's younger sister frowned, but nodded in agreement and replied in an equally strange fashion. It was so close to English, yet is just wasn't that. As the world faded to a blank white, one of the fillies remarked something about a "floor duh lists", and tried as Apple Bloom might to enquire just what she meant, her mouth made no sound. Yet, she heard accented chants of her name. A southern drawl, if one might be so bold. "Apple Bloom... Apple Bloom..." They were getting louder now. "APPLE BLOOM!"
That final shout snapped Apple Bloom out of her dormant trance.
"Whuddayouwant?" she slurred. "It's so... early!"
"No it ain't! Look at the sun! We have work to do! Anyway, come downstairs, it's breakfast time!" Applejack barked. She didn't believe in oversleeping in such nice weather, being an Apple at heart. Further than that, Cider Season Anyways, the sleepy filly sure was hungry.
"Alright, give me une minute, Ah'll be right with you. Is it really time for petit déjeuner already?"
Apple Bloom eloquently said. She didn't know why, but she felt pretty darn fancy today. She did a couple of yawning stretches and scratched vigorously all over her tiny body. When she was thoroughly satisfied, she strutted over to the bathroom. A vivid pink bow sat before her, but for some reason the filly ignored it. Practicing a skill she had learned from the girls in shcool, she wrapped her soft mane around her hooves and tied it into a long, winding braid. It just seemed more elegant, more chic. On the linoleum floor she spotted a maroon cape adorned with a midnight sky-blue, badly-sewn patch containing a lemon-yellow pony rampant insignia. Chuckling, she subconsciously folded it up neatly, but her hooves continued to wander without command, as they twisted and folded and tucked the flowing fabric into a half-flanked beret, which was carefully adjusted onto the top of the filly's head as to be just so. After splashing her face with a couple rounds of cool water from the sink, she finally glared up at the mirror to look at her visage. What else she saw shocked her.
Was it an afterimage from yesterday's events? A morsel of dreams floating in her wide, golden eyes? Or did she finally have her Cutie Mark? She shook her head violently and rubbed her eyelids feverishly in anticipation. Once they finally opened, she was elated, excited, and just plain giddy.
"Mon Dieu! Applejack, Ah finally got mah Cutie Mark! Ah don't believe it!"
"Just a sec! Lemme get the camera!" She was so proud that her little sis has finally discovered her true talent!
Applejack galloped upstairs, Granny Smith and Big Macintosh in tow, their eyes widening in pure pride when Apple Bloom's flank came into view. They cheered and whooped as the camera flashed like sparks off a fire in rapid succession, which made the pony in question very, very dazed. It felt as if the world were gazing upon her, smiling and cheering her on, chanting her name, just like in her long since forgotten dream.
"Sweet Celestia, Ah'm so proud, kiddo," Granny Smith croaked in her version of a shout as the enormous lump in her throat warbled her voice to a mere whimper. "Ain't you just downright proud, Big Mac?" A thundering "Eeeyup" from the stallion of few words answered the question with eye-opening gusto. "All Ah gotta ask ya is this: What in tarnation is it?"
"Well, Ah ain't quite sure, Ah'm guessin' it's a fleur of some sort," Apple Bloom explained, beaming, but her eyes apprehensive, "but Ah recall it somewhere from yesterday's crazy goings-down. It's still très bon in mah book!"
Tears continued well up in the eyes of all, but old Granny Smith's emotional dam couldn't bear the load any longer, and she sobbed in pure ecstasy, burying her wrinkly face into Big Mac's muscular side. After some time of pure silence and smiles, the orange mare finally spoke up. "Just one more thing," she said kindly. "Would ya be so kind as to kick the Frenchie mumbo-jumbo? Ah can't comprehend a word o' that language." All present laughed wholeheartedly, except for the youngest in the group. "Ah don't recall speakin' no fancy-talk today."
Gasps echoed around the room, so powerful they seemed to suck in all the air in the room into powerful Earth pony lungs. It's as if time stood still, and the room suddenly got a lot colder. The entire jovial vibe was dropped as horror dripped into its place.
"Whaddya mean, you haven't been talkin' fancy?" the worried apple farmer interrogated. "Was the first thing ya said to me, to give ya 'oon minoot'. Then, you said your Mark was a 'tray bomb' or summat like that! What's goin' on in yer noggin?"
"Ah didn't say anythin' like that!" Apple Bloom snapped. "Je vous a dit-" "Right there!" Applejack screamed! "That's French you're talkin'! And you mean to tell me you aren't?" The now-multilingual pony said: "Je veux parler Anglais! Pourquoi je ne peux pas?" Salty tears ran down Apple Bloom's face, beckoning for her big sister to help her.
"Alright. What's your name in English?" she pressed. "Ap... Ah.. Uh.." Tension warped the filly's face as she attempted to recall something she had used all her life. She was happy enough to comprehend the question, but the answer just wouldn't come. It was just out of reach... Like the best apple off a tree, always a bit too high for her... Believing she had finally found her name in a divine revelation, she blurted without second thought: "FLEUR-DE-POMME!" Teensy yellow hooves slowly found their way as they trembled onto their owner's mouth. She wanted to stomp her feet and buck everything in the world and damn Celestia for cursing her to lose touch with her own life. But instead, all that came out, in nothing more than a whimper:
"Merde."
TO BE CONTINUED...
My second story!
Can't wait to hear your thoughts!
Rèpondez-vous s'il te plait!
Cheers,
ping111
xD I like how it ended.
Nice work
I like it I like it..... Could use more words but I like it, though of ya get approval from an experienced writer, then it would be amazing but not enough story yet to get a veterans approval........ Though so far its cool though I reserve my thumb but you have a tracker
414800 Hmm... That does seem to be a problem... Even after running through it almost half a dozen times, adding descriptive words here and there, and even adding whole paragraphs, my stories always seem to just limbo over the limit, whereas I've seen stories with no content, spelling, or grammar, go well over five thousand, just like that. What do I do?
414796 Thanks!
Looking good so far, can't wait to see where you go with this.
But please for the love of Celestia INDENT YOUR PARAGRAPHS. I know this is nothing but a minor issue but it's one of my greatest pet-peeves to see stories that aren't indented. Also, pressing that Tab key really makes any story easier on the eyes.
414820 I do! It's just a habit of mine to double-space. *Sigh* I'll edit it...
I'm interested in this, especially since I have a loose grasp on the french language itself. I wish for you to continue this more, it intrigues me
Heh, that was amusing. I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter!
Gorsh, it seems this has gotten more attention than A Little Twist in 10 seconds flat.
I'm having a writer's 'meh' when it comes to that story though... This one flows through my mind, possible outcomes... Whereas ALT seems kinda linear... I'm not sure. What do I do with ALT?
414812 just add another chapter is what id say about 1500 words at least, goin into the story because if the 1st is with little story I would have the 2nd chapter up with or a few secs after you publish the 1st but it's your choice on how you work with this story
It would've been funny if Applebloom started speaking ing Swahili instead of French in canon. That way only Zecora could understand her.
414856 Umm... Well, at least it's straightforward, but it's kinda the old "If it hurts when you go like this, don't go like this!" joke. I swear I could write what felt like a rendition of War and Peace ponified, and check up on it - 689 words. Ironically, when I originally wrote the foreword, it was 250 words long. FUUUU REALITY.
414863 Dafuq? Hell no.
Looks good. Waiting for more parts to come out.
414866 ok ok, just do what ya do and keep on trucking ALSO do not let a guy named theworstwriter comment on this story........ His avatar is creepy as hell and scares the crap outa me
Please do more, I'm really enjoying this.
Gee willikers guys, I can't believe the responses I'm getting!
At this rate, I'm thinking of leaving ALT as a prototype, a reject, a model... I can much more easily work with this tale. What do you guys think?
Ha ha... nice concept amusingly executed thus far.
Okay guys, here's the scoop.
This story is superior in every way to ALT. So, I've decided:
If this hits 50 likes by next Friday, I will devote all my writing time to this.
So, I guess, like, like, like!
EDIT: By likes I mean faves, not thumbs-up.
414566
Alright, you got European French down, that's nice I guess...
Mais maudit je suis sur que tu connais pas les tournure de phrase québécoise pis les sacre québécois. Si tu serais assez 'smarte' pour aller plus moins, tu va voir la culture québécoise c'est crissement autre chose. Je sais pas de oú tu prend ton français, mais c'est pas mal vieux.
415372 What are you implying? That my French isn't up to date? Ironically, I'm actually from Quebec, so it's odd that you're telling me that my Quebecois French is off...
415388
Ok, je l'ai pas vu venir celle-là
416051 Yeah, this next chapter kinda revolves around ponies' positive and negative reactions to AB's new personality (let's just say the call it the language of love for a reason...), and Rarity is a big factor, and counts as her translator until the Apples can find someone with a wider knowledge of French (An OC).
416181 mlpimgmacros.tumblr.com/post/14271292796/twilight-sparkle-oh-no-you-didnt-image-macro
EDIT: I am the world's worst liar! That's probably coming way later!
French OC eh??? Sorry lad but I got a scot one, just swing by if ya need one though, got a claymore for ya lads and it be thirstin for battle.....
415331
Hey, easy! I was joking. Sheesh, you need to amp it down a few notches. Anyway great first chapter and looking forward to more.
417474 Sorry about that. I've always been a bit "soupe au lait"
417494
Impressive, mate. Impressive.
Ahaha, fantastic!
I'm surprised applebloom would know Prench. Still, it's a good, original idea.
well. You asked for it
/me opens Finds full page of author's notes.
You should move these to either the description or the end of the fic.
>~~~~~~
use
. Word wrapping makes this look silly
>Celestia's prized glowing orb
Unless the fact it belong's to Celestia is of relevance, steer clear of Celestia's Sun or Luna's Moon. Both are overly flowery, cliche phrases. Besides, we now know that the unicorn race used to raise both before the princesses came along.
>endless rows of sturdy trees, the morning dew twinkling as it dripped
Comma splice.
>Apple Bloom couldn't seem to care less.
Drop seem. We're not in 1st/3rd limited. There is no actor to interpret things as 'seeming' to do anything. Also, show instead of tell. What makes her so apathetic? Give us visual or audible cues and let us draw the conclusion as to the state of her caring.
>as she revelled in her fantasy
Minor telling. Having her smile and some other indicators that she's dreaming would be better. Also, "reveled".
>"Wow, Apple Bloom," The orange pegasus cried
lowercase the
>butter-yellow filly's
So soon after orange pegasus and my Lavender Unicorn Syndrome alarms are sounding.
>"What exactly is it?" Sweetie Belle questioned unceremoniously.
Each new speaker requires a new paragraph.
Adverbs should be avoided or at least should trigger a vague sense of "I should do this better". Give us the action that makes this unceremonious. Does she shove Scootaloo out of the way? Does she collide with Apple Bloom as she hugs her in excitement?
>"Golly, thanks guys," Apple Bloom beamed.
Beamed isn't a speaking verb. Period after guys.
Also, new paragraph.
>It was so close to English,
Quibble: Equestrian
>yet is just wasn't that...
Don't use ellipses unless a thought it trailing off.
>A southern drawl, if you will...
All of these ellipses are wrong. Additionally the narrator breaks the forth wall here to refer to the reader. While this is a valid style, I doubt you meant to do it on purpose.
>fire-carraige-red-maned pony
LUS-CON 1! Abandon metaphor! This is seriously hard to read/understand and totally unneeded
Your indents/spacing between paragraphs are random.
>She clearly didn't believe in sleeping in
#1) clearly should be removed to unequivocally show her disbelief in "sleeping in"
#2) I think it's slightly mis-worded. She doesn't believe in lazying about when there's work to do. I have little doubt AJ wouldn't care if there was no farm work to do (say, in winter.) But that's really minor and petty on my part.
>une minute,
>etc
I assume this is part of what makes this a side story?
>Summer camp.
Now I'm lost.
>adorned with a sky-blue badly-sewn patch adorned with a lemon-yellow pony striking a fierce pose.
comma after sky-blue (cmc patch is not sky blue BTW)
Double use of "adorn"
You may want to look up heraldry: A blue shield with a pony rampant
> half-flanked beret
a what?
>kick the Frenchie mumbo-jumbo?
AJ called it "Fancy" in the show
So far, this is more [dark] than [comedy]. It ends with AB crying as something she can't control and doesn't understand is happening to her. And it's something that isolates her from her family. Not really the type of thing one expects from [comedy].
You certainly have [random] down.
Aaaaahahahahahah! Brilliant and original! Having studied French myself, I will enjoy the other chapters very much! Hahahah! And Applebloom just sweared in French with that last line
1191939 I thought I heard the Spy when she swore. I may not speak French, but I can understand it.