Fluttershy stayed out longer than she planned. After everyone discussed what their roles were everyone began brainstorming about how everything should come out. Rainbow and AJ came up with some good ideas for games, Pinkie invited Mrs. Cake over and the two managed to come up with an idea for the cake along with some other treats, Rarity helped Twilight think of some clever tricks she could pull off with her magic. Thinking about all of this just made the Pegasus’ wings flutter with excitement. As she walked inside her cottage she was shocked to find Discord lying lifeless on the floor.
“Discord!” she shouted as she ran towards her friend. She nudged against his sides calling out his name. Nothing. Fluttershy fell down next to the lifeless body, sobbing lightly.
“Fluttershy…” Discord uttered weakly.
Fluttershy raised her head slowly, wiping away the tears from her face with her hoof. “A-are you okay?” she said trying to hold back the tears.
“Why…?”
“Why wh-“
Before she could finish, Discord started tickling the Pegasus belly with his tail. “Why did you leave me here to die of boredom, you silly mare?”
Fluttershy rolled over to her sides not able to fight back. “Hahaha you s-scared me,” she laughed.
“I’m sorry but today has been the most uninteresting, dull, lifeless day I’ve ever experienced. I needed to do something to liven it up.” The Draconequus stopped to allow the mare to catch her breath.
The Pegasus rolled over glaring at Discord. Discord’s grin lowered.
“Right, that’s no excuse to scare you like that. I’m sorry.” Fluttershy smiled and gave Discord a hug. He sighed and returned the hug. “But I’d really like to know what you were so happy about just a moment ago.”
Fluttershy pulled away wondering what he was referring to. “What?”
Discord let go of the Pegasus, stretched out his claw and snapped his fingers. He took the form of Fluttershy mimicking her actions from earlier. “
Oh, now I remember.”
“I’m going to assume that you have a special some pony; that is it isn’t it?” Discord asked with a smirk on his face.
“What? No, I do-“
Discord picked Fluttershy up from the floor and spun around. “My sweet, little Fluttershy is growing up. Is he nice? He better be nice,” he growled.
“There isn’t any pony! I’m still single.”
Discord patted the mare on the head and placed her back onto the floor. “Don’t worry, you’ll find him someday. But if it isn’t a stallion then what’s making you so happy? Was it the thought of seeing me again?”
Fluttershy giggled shaking her head.
“Some pony gave you a present? Is a friend of ours getting married? Was some pony born today? You found a bit?”
“No, no, no and no,” Fluttershy laughed.
“Sweet Celestia, I’m begging you, please tell me!” Discord kneeled down pleading for the answer.
“Sorry Discord, it’s my little secret,” she winked at him. The Draconequus huffed, crossing his arms as he turned away from the pony.
Fluttershy yawned and glanced over at the clock from her wall. It was close to 10 P.M. Fluttershy rubbed her eyes then let out another yawn. “It’s getting late; I need to get some sleep.”
“So you’re not going to tell me, are you?” She didn’t respond.
Fluttershy slowly went up the stairs leading to her room.
“Fluttershy? Fluttershy, don’t do this to me.”
“Goodnight Discord,” she yawned.
“Goodnight, dear,” Discord sighed. He snapped his fingers and teleported to his room within the Canterlot Castle. He flopped on his bed staring at the ceiling. “I’ll find out what you’re hiding sooner or later,” Discord said to himself. The Draconequus soon became tired himself and called it a night.
I like!
Glad you like it.
Oh dear, I hope he doesn't ruin the surprise.
Nice, but please keep in mind, you should change paragraphs every time the speaker changes. I'll demonstrate by re-paragraphing one of your paragraphs above:
“Fluttershy…” Discord uttered weakly.
Fluttershy raised her head slowly, wiping away the tears from her face with her hoof. “A-are you okay?” she said trying to hold back the tears.
“Why…?”
“Why wh-“
Before she could finish, Discord started tickling the Pegasus belly with his tail. “Why did you leave me here to die of boredom, you silly mare?”
Fluttershy rolled over to her sides not able to fight back. “Hahaha you s-scared me,” she laughed.
“I’m sorry but today has been the most uninteresting, dull, lifeless day I’ve ever experienced. I needed to do something to liven it up.” The Draconequus stopped to allow the mare to catch her breath.
What you've got is what we call a "wall of text". It's hard to read and diminishes the emotional impact, particularly in a sequence like this where there's a rapid emotional shift. Every time the speaker changes, you should change paragraphs, and action performed by a speaker goes in the same paragraph as their speech (so "Why wh-" goes by itself and then Discord tickling Fluttershy goes on the next line because it's action performed by Discord, not Fluttershy, and therefore belongs with his next dialogue line.)
(Note that I'm not double-spacing the paragraphs so as not to eat your whole comments page, but of course, paragraphs should be double-spaced just like you are doing when you do break paragraphs already.)
I've read so many overmelodramatic stories where for no particularly good reason Discord tries to kill himself or is constantly getting injured by things that realistically shouldn't hurt him much at all that you almost had me with your twist there, but I'm a speed reader and the whole thing being squished meant I had no time to really react to the possibility that Discord was dead or injured before he revealed it was a prank, so doing the paragraphing correctly doesn't just make the story easier to read, it also makes the emotions you're trying to convey stronger by letting them linger longer with the reader before they hit the next line. I also appreciate greatly that this was a prank because it was totally in character for Discord to do that, whereas with the overly melodramatic fics I've read, not so much. I suspect Fluttershy's going to have a very hard time keeping this party secret, though. :-)
4399440 Ah, thanks for that. Going to edit these two chapters today...since I have a bit of writers block and can't think of what to do with the next chapter. But yes, Fluttershy is going to have a hard time.
"“I’m sorry but today has been the most uninteresting, dull, lifeless day I’ve ever experienced. I needed to do something to liven it up.” The Draconequus stopped to allow the mare to catch her breath."
This paragraph is repeated by mistake.
Figures Discord was faking, the guy is a draconequus, his unique body structure alone should help him avoid hurting himself and short of the element of Harmony, there is practically nothing that can fase him.
4457060 try the elements of harmony ,a bass cannon and lots of boozes