You Have the Costume, but Do You Have the Chimichanga?

by Flint Sparks

I couldn't come up with a chapter title so boobies.

Hi. My name is Kyle Stevenson, twenty-one years old, and I am not your average brony. No, I’m just a poser who likes to shit on people’s images and thinks he’s the shit when he gains a healing factor because he decided to mimic the sexiest merc in existence with cosplay. Oh yeah, that’s me, Deadpool. I bet you’re wondering why I’m talking about cosplaying and Equestria, and here’s why…

Aren’t you worried about show and tell, Deadpool? The fanfiction author we hired—

Hired? You mean the one we threatened at gunpoint while showing him a picture of that pretty horse tied to a chair with blood splattered on her face? I love that guy!

...Yes, that author. Deadpool, aren’t you concerned about an infodump in the very beginning of the story? This author has much higher standards.

Standards? Standards?! We’re talking about some sack of shit who writes about lesbian horses all day! Who may or may not live in his parents’ baseme—

Oh boy! I love lesbians!

Who doesn’t?

Ugh, fine! We’ll start properly and show the story, okay? Now, where to begin…

Maybe with the fact we’re bleeding out because we’re impaled on the horn of some statue in Horse City?

...Oh shit.

---

Darling? Darling, you must wake up…” an incredibly sexy voice called out to me from the darkness. “As always, our time together is short…”

Oh baby, it’s Death! I wake up, sleeping on the couch from my apartment in some hallucination as those two other guys run around in tutus. I shake my head and take a good look at my smoking hot babe. Oh, Death? You don’t know her? Well, you’re going to meet her someday. She’s some anthropomorphic personification technobabble take my word for it because she’s the real Death deal shit.

Death stared down at me with her skull face, caressing my chest as I stared at hers. Good damn, did she have massive boobies. You’d think a skeleton wouldn’t be so developed, but you haven’t met my endowed girl just yet! Unless you have a healing factor like me, then you’re probably that piece of shit Wolverine—who will not be showing up anytime just to boost sales. What am I, some sellout?

Oh yeah, boobies. I’d spend ten paragraphs describing her boobies, but it’d be best if I abstained for now. No, that totally was not a setup for some lame deus ex machina the author is going to pull out of his fat ass in the future. And if he dares try that, I’m going to shoot his head off!

“Deadpool?” Death cooed as she knelt down, caressing my cheek.

“Babe!” I said, silently contemplating just why I had to keep thinking ‘I said’ in my head. This fanfic thing is weird! “What are you doing here? It’s nice to see you, my boobaliscious bride!”

Death chuckled, which is kinda weird if you think about it too much. “Actually, Deadpool, I came to see you for a reason. Do you remember why you bled out just now?”

I rested my hand upon Death’s, and stared into her eyes. “Some dickhead cosplayed as me at a convention, copied my powers, and threw me on some weird government statue of a unicorn thingy. I guess my healing factor hasn’t kicked in yet, eh babe?” I grunted and tried to sit up. “Well, time to kill some pu—argh, my back!”

“Tsk tsk, silly little Deadpool,” Death said as she settled me on my back before straddling me. “So eager to send me new souls, but hardly caring for his well-being. Someday, despite your healing, we will be together… forever.”

“And it’ll be the greatest time of my life… er, death.” I nodded as I lifted a gun to my head. “But babe, I think it’s time I…”

I whipped off the couch and fired to my front with Mr. Rightey.

“Kick!” I fired a shot with my other pistol behind my head.

“Some!” I crossed my arms and fired two shots to either side.

I bent over, looking through my legs, and shot underneath my— “Ass!”

I stood up and started stretching to work out the knots in my back as the bodies of four random, faceless mooks fell to the ground. They were probably clones or some other bullshit to excuse cannon fodder for me to kill, but I didn’t care enough to pay attention and find out.

Sounds more like a first level thing, before everything changes. You do realize…

“Yeah! Babe!” I jerked my head, motioning Death to float before me. “Can you do that stupid deus ex machina thingy that nearly every other widdle hooman in Equestwia does?

She nodded. “You’re going to shoot yourself, bleed out, and allow our temporary time together for me to open a portal to another world as you’re ‘dead?’”

So much for avoiding an infodump.

Shut up and let the boobies talk!

I, Deadpool the Magnificent, nodded. “Yeah, let’s do it babe.”

“Very well, I shall start with an ancient cha—”

“Yeah cool, whatever babe!”

Bang!

The gun fell to the floor and I dropped, dead. Sorta.

And then I popped through the door in my apartment, good as new! Death wasn’t in here, so I stood just in front of the closed, wooden door that I’m being oddly specific about right now to subtly clue you in that it might be somewhat important. I rubbed my chin, pondering what I could possibly do next.

Snap! I snapped my fingers—which is obvious, dumbass—and a lightbulb appeared above my head! The solution was right there… about six inches to my right. I opened the door next to the one I came in, and hopped into the swirling portal oddly shaped like my girl!

Well, that’s certainly one way to hop dimensions...

Yeah, like a bunny! Do you think there’ll be bunnies?

...ignore almost every law of physics…

I wonder if he’ll share his carrots with us! Or maybe he has a machine gun he’ll let us borrow!

...and make the author look like a shoddy piece of work who can’t even write a decent plot.

And that’s how I got to Equestria! By dying—sorta!

I rest my case.

---

I opened my eyes, feeling the grass underneath—

Lame!

I opened my eyes, only to find myself in the bedroom of—

Sexy, but lame!

I found myself in the mind of—

Lamer!

I found myself in the body of—

Has anyone seen its legs because that was lame!

I woke up in some forest—

LA—

Can we find something that isn’t cliche? I’m sure there has to be one dead horse that hasn’t been beat.

Fuck you guys.

I opened my eyes in the TOTALLY NOT CLICHE Everfree Forest, feel the grass underneath me, only to find myself gazing into a pair of blue eyes. A pair of blue eyes, belonging to—

“A pony?” I said. “A pink, fluffy pony?”

“Hi!” the horse that was about to introduce herself as Pinkie Pie said. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Who are you?” She blinked at me, and smiled. She radiated… something peculiar. Maybe it was the fact that she was a talking horse, or that she was a cartoon. Reminds me of Ultimate Spiderman, and not the cool one.

I grunted as I stood up. “Er, hi. I’m… wait, are we on a children’s television?”

Pinkie Pie and I took a brief moment to glance to the side, where the invisible people were when they laughed at jokes. We waited, and waited, and waited some more just to piss you off and take up time. Eventually, we looked back at each other.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Nah, it’s Monday. You’re good.”

“Phew!” I wiped my forehead, then held out my sweaty hand. “Name’s Deadpool. That’s De-ad-pool, not a pool that happens to be dead. You’d be surprised how many get confused.”

Pinkie took my sweaty hand and shook.

You could at least wipe it first…

Oh, you know me, I’m always dirty.

“Oh my!” Pinkie Pie blushed as she released my hand, holding it to her chest. “I never knew a gentlepon—er, gentleman who was so fast! I mean, there was this one time I met this totally snobbish stallion that led Rarity one, but he got a face full of cake after Rarity got used as a pony shield and shook it on him as punishment!

Hm, interesting, this one likes going on tangents. I like that, I like that a lot. Wait, why is she blushing even more?

I think she might like you.

Horses, man? Are we really stooping that low?

Wow, she really likes him!

You know, I never thought about horses that way… Speaking of which, it’s totally bullshit for a human to fall in love with the first alien he sees. But considering the bullshit writer we hired, it’s going to happen anyway so might as well get it out of the way. I looked at Pinkie Pie, summoning all my testerone…

Pinkie Pie stared at me and blinked. “W-why are you touching my fur?”

I held my breathe, stood still, and tried to squeeze.

Deadpool, what did we say about personal space?

Uh, I don’t think she has….

Damn it! Ponies don’t have boobies!

No shit.

Perverts.

“So… whatcha doin’?” Pinkie Pie twisted her head a good hundred-twenty degrees and grinned at me like that one creepy cat from that trippy movie with the hippy caterpillar. I could totally do that. The neck twisting thing, I mean. Well, I could pick up a good pot of… nah, not even I advocate smoking. Remember kids, it’s okay to shoot people for hire but not to smoke!

Yeah! Real talk!

“Hee hee, you’re funny!” Pinkie Pie giggled. She opened her eyes and looked at me again. “Why don’t you follow me and I’ll take you to Ponyville?” She began to stand up. Okay, I admit it. These horses were kind of cute. Maybe I’m just a sucker for big eyes. She turned around and—

OH MY GOD.

HOLY SHIT!

Oh my.

While Pinkie Pie lacked in the boob department—oh my god. When she turned around, I got nothing but an eyeful of flank.

Baby got plot.

Moving on…

Dat ass.

We began walking toward some Ponyville place.

“So, what are you doing in Equestria, mister Deadpool?” Pinkie Pie asked as she bounced in circles around me. “Are you here to visit and hug all the pretty ponies? Going to learn about the magic of friendship? Or—” Pinkie Pie took a deep breathe “—areyougoingtochasedownacosplayerposingasyouinordertoenactyourvengeance?”

I stopped and stared down at her.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Lucky guess?”

“Uh…”

Dude, does she have the script too?

Looks like she actually read it too.

“So…” Pinkie Pie continued her bouncing. “Are you here to have a little fun, or find somepony to penetrate with your big sword?”

“Um… yes!”

Soon, we came to the outskirts of Ponyville.

Can our transitions get any more lame?

Come on author! Stop phoning it in! I’m trying to run a story here!

Hey, why don’t you shoot him? That always solves your problems!

Hey, you’re right! I reach down for my dual pistols, pull them out, and aim just right…

And then about fifty pony ninjas leaped out of the trees and attacked us!

Now that’s what I’m talking about!

I think it’s about time…

To kick some—

Flank!

...What?

Not having time to linger on my thoughts, except I totally do because that’s how I banter in the middle of a fight anyway, I got right to business! I reached up for my swords… only for Pinkie Pie to rest her hoof on my foot. I looked down into her sniffling, special eyes.

She does have special eyes.

For such a special pony.

MY BRAND!

“Please don’t kill ponies,” Pinkie sniffed, “Not even the faceless mooks.”

“Um…” Oh shit, I totally forgot ponies were total peace-lovers. “Can I still kill the faker?”

Pinkie Pie grimaced, then whipped out the script from hammerspace. She quickly scanned the document, pocketed it, and resumed her puppy-eyes. “O-of course! I-it’s your destiny and everything…”

“You don’t like humans, don’t you?” Except me, of course. I’m just too damn sexy.

“Pfft.” Pinkie Pie crossed her forelegs. “No hooves? Disgusting.”

“Good girl!”

Now that our discussion was over, it was time to start fighting. I drew my sword and quickly parried a blow from a ninja about to coup-da-grace….

~Unfortunately, due to budget limits, the following action scene had to be cut for—

No, bullshit! Don’t make me hold the pretty horse hostage!

~This action scene was brought to you by our sponsor, Deadpool The Magnificent. When there’s a way, there’s a chimichanga!~

Good boy.

I parried a blow from a ninja, saving Pinkie from losing her head, and roundhouse kicked him into the final chapter. I pivoted on my foot and back-kicked another ninja, knocking him against a tree. He gasped as blood flew out of his mouth, and he fainted.

Pinkie Pie got into the fight, and started doing her own acrobatics. I flipped, kicked, and non-lethally sliced and diced everywhere. One ninja managed to land a strike with his katana, slicing the middle of my suit just enough to reveal my manly abdominals of manliness. Somewhere, somewhere out there in Equestria, a mare’s ovaries exploded.

Completely ignoring how the Weapon X Program completely turned our skin into scar tissue.

Pinkie Pie twisted and flipped, firing off her party cannon—note the two n’s. Seriously, do people not know how to spell?—against ninja after ninja. Slowly, our minds and hearts began to fall in sync….

Dude, why am I thinking about Chuck Norris right now?

Probably a reference that nobody is going to understand, as usual.

You might be right, or it could be shipping!

It could be bo—

Who the hell are you?!

Pinkie Pie and I teamed up, flipping over each other and providing assists as we kicked, punched, and parried various ninja ponies. Our dodges and parries grew so intecrate, we began to tango as the last wave of ninjas attacked and failed.

Is it me, or do ninjas always suck when they fight in groups?

I believe there’s an explanation for that.

Oh! Oh! I know the answer for th—

SHUT UP PINKIE!

“Yes?” Pinkie Pie asked as we panted, our battle finished. I looked at her in shock and disbelief, but mostly shock… and a little disbelief.

“Y-you can hear me?” I asked. “You can—”

“Break the fourth wall? Yes!” Pinkie Pie grinned at me, showing off her pearly whites.

But that doesn’t explain the voice—

Um, excuse me mister, but I’m right here!

Dude, it’s a chick….

Oh my gosh, this is so exciting! I thought we were the only ones but now a fourth wall breaking awesome person from another universe with voices in his head has come and now I have a new friend to talk to in four dimensions! Oh, and share chimichangas!

I do enjoy chimichangas….

A chick….

“Oh hey, we’re right in front of Carousel Boutique!” Pinkie Pie said as we stood in front of some big building with blah blah blah description.

“Wow, that was convenient!” I said as I placed my hands on my waist. “Walking into town during our voices’ exposition sure does save time when it comes to scene transitions!”

“Preach it, player!” Pinkie Pie knocked on the boutique door, which immediately opened.

Ah, Rarity. She was an alabaster—whatever the hell that means—unicorn with a wicked hot mane, and the eyes of a model. Which made sense, considering she made clothes for models and stuff. Oh, and she was super hot. Like, she was the Emma Watson of—No, she was the Jennifer Aniston of horses. She could be forty and still be hot.

Look at that mane.

Unf.

“Well hello! Welcome to Carousel Bouti—Pinkie, who is this?” Rarity’s eyes began to twitch as she stared up at me. I met her glare, feeling the daggers digging into my eyes. Daggers my healing factor couldn’t negate. No, that was a job for my sanity.

“Well hello, horse named Rarity that I have never seen before nor hold as ransom in order to get a random fanboy in another universe to write my very own fanfiction,” I said as I smiled through my mask. “I hope you aren’t too ‘tied up’ at the moment to help me out, are you?”

Rarity gulped and broke eye contact. “Uh, of course not mister human I’ve never met before nor get kidnapped by at any time in history! Er, darlings, why don’t you come inside and I’ll—”

“Yes, Rarity, I’d love to come inside.”

Rarity looked up at me, and gulped. She stepped aside, and allowed me to walk past and come inside her… home.

“Wow, Rarity, you’re so generous!” Pinkie Pie cheered as we gathered in the main room, or whatever you call that place in a house building where it’s surrounded by at least three walls, a ceiling, and a floor of sorts. “It’s like you’re used to having costumed superheroes coming by with damaged costumes for you to sew back together!”

Yeah, that wasn’t a poorly set-up plot point foreshadowed.

“Hey Rarity, have you seen my boot anywhere?” a teenage voice riddled with justifiable angst said as someone walked out from the dressing room.

Well, that was fast.

“Oh my god, it’s you,” the costumed freak said, pointing at me with a shaking hand.

“I know what you’re thinking,” I said as I lifted my open hands above my head. “I’m not Spiderman.”

I grasped the handles of my katanas.

“And neither are you.”

Did I mention I really, really hate cosplayers?

Finally! Some real action!

I WANT TO SEE SOME BLOOD!

…I think I’m in love.

Comments

[BadTouch]

The chapter name should have been:
( o Y o )

So thanks for that.

[Deadder]

Flint.
I fucking love you.

[Dash The Stampede]

where the invisible people where when they laughed at jokes.

Many editors
Very skill
Still err

~Dash The Stampede

[Ember Q Discordia]

Oh boy! I love lesbians!
Who doesn’t?

Who doesn't. Homosexuals. people with other fetishes. Straight women.

[Ember Q Discordia]

Alabaster is a name applied to varieties of two distinct minerals, when used as a material: gypsum and calcite.

[Weezil_Brony]

This story had me in tears. Thank you for this hilarious story.

[Danieldoesnotsing]

Madness is what I feel after reading this!

[damnaion]

1# lol

[Tallinu]

This is hilarious. I know next to nothing about Deadpool, but I knew what was going on the moment I saw the pink text.
Also: I can't wait to see how the ninja turns up in that final chapter.

[Lupus]

Oh boy! I love lesbians!
Who doesn’t?

Lesbians are neato!

[the frank]

What. The. Fuck. Is. This? I LOVE IT!

The Frank approves. And likes. And favs. (And desperately wishes hir could write like this)