Re-Harmony

by Derpy_Hooves13

Chapter 2 Cloud Flicker

10 YEARS IN THE FUTURE

It had been 10 years since that day in my crib. 10 years since the shooting. 5 years since the Elements of Harmony left. We lived in Cloudsdale at this time beside another senate member. Out of luck they had a daughter just my age, her name was Cloud Flicker. She had a light blue coat with a dark blue mane and tail. We soon grew to be close friends. We did everything together. We even sometimes ate together. I have to say, I was having the best time in my life. I could spend every ounce and second with her. Everyday of the week I had nothing to do, nothing besides hang out with Cloud. I could spend every day with her because the guards had burnt every school to the ground. My parents had taught us what they knew, but eventually ran out of subjects. It got boring fast.

I thought about this when I wake up in the morning usually. I wake up then go over my life story. My life story is a long one that includes lots of twists and turns. It was a story of tragedy.

"I need to stop moping about my life and get some breakfast!" I thought. I went down the stairs to the kitchen. I got a muffin out. It was a blueberry muffin. I got a napkin and sat down at the table. It was after my parents had gotten up. They left a note on the table that told me they were going to meet with their 'book club'. I of course knew this was no book club, but instead a meeting of any senate members left from Cloudsdale. They would get together and talk about all sorts of stuff. They would talk about reforming the senate, and on the occasion standing up to the guards. The guards mixed together Anarchy and Dictatorship. How they did this, you may ask. Well, they said that the rules were "No governments and kill the people who wanted governments." Besides that anything really could happen. That meant that you didn't even have to pay for your food, you could just steal it. But, my parents never did that.

In their group the topic of discussion was usually about the prophecy about the Elements of Harmony. Few people had access to the libraries that held them but, word spread fast. The prophecy was that if the Elements of Harmony were ever defeated or killed, new owners would show up. My parents were in a strong belief that the new owners were going to show up soon. I thought that my parents were just going crazy and looking for a way to bring back the old way of life. I finished my muffin and took my napkin to the trash and threw it away.

I went up to my room to get ready for the day. I got in the shower and washed my light pink coat, I washed over my blank flank. Most foals now didn't have a cutie mark now because if the Anarchy. Cloud Flicker didn't have a cutie mark either. I got out of the shower and went into my room. I dried my hair and brushed it out. I went over to my dresser and grabbed a hair band and put my hair up. Then I put a bow in it. I went down the stairs and opened the door. I locked it behind me. I then ran over to Cloud Flicker's place and knocked at the door. We had a special knock so they knew it was me. I knocked 3 times waited 5 seconds then knocked 5 times. Cloud Flicker answered the door.

"HEY!" I said in a loud voice.

'Hi!" Cloud replied

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." She let me in and locked the door behind me. I walked into her warm house. It smelled like cinnamon. I loved the way her house smelled.

"Have you had breakfast?" she asked

"Yes, I had a muffin." I replied

"OK. But, I haven't so could you help me get out some muffins?"

"Sure thing." I said and went for a cabinet on the left. I knew her house almost as good as mine. I reached into the cabinet and felt around in the back for some muffins. I felt a bump in the back of the cabinet and pulled. A door opened and a box with golden trim and the royal sisters' cutie marks were on the front.

Comments

[goaway]

I feel like there's the core of a really good, worthwhile idea in there, but it's being ruined by a lot of basic errors and narrative problems. You really should've had a beta-reader/editor give it a once-over.

[Mr Ignorable]

Wow. So, where do I even begin?

1. Context: Wow, where do I even begin with this one? First off, why did the guards rebel? How did they rebel? How were they able to get Celestia and Luna who can, respectively raise the goddam sun and moon to a state where they can't use magic or fly away? I mean, sure, it wouldn't be hard to do that to Luna since she's still new there, but Celestia's got 1k years of practice. I can understand that the first chapter was mostly a flashback, and the second paragraph was basically a "life after Zeroday" scenario, but who the hell is your main character, where is she, why is she, and most importantly: why the hell is she so introspective? Ten years olds don't even know the meaning of sadness (or reason/logic) so what is her major malfunction?

2. Narrative: Christ on a bike is this narrative crazy (and not as entertaining). First off, slow your shit. You had the guards rebel and kill off the main rulers to Equestria all within the span of (what I hesitate to call) a chapter, as well as introducing Anarchy (which I'l 50% convinced that you don't know the actual meaning of). Speaking of, you implemented that Equestria has televison.. which isn't/hasn't been portrayed as Canon.

3. Grammar: You can spell words correctly and capitalize them, which is good, but for the love of all that is holy, double space your paragraphs. It feels like trying to read the Berlin wall.

(P.S: You're an ass for joining the School for New Writers just to promote your story.)

[Derpy_Hooves13]

Dear Mr Ignorable,

I am sorry you feel this way about my story. If you think that a 13 year old girl is an ass then you are messed up. I am a young kid and am trying to write like all the others here. I am again sorry that you do not like my story. If you hate it this much please don't read it. I take the second comment on my first story seriously and if you hate it this much I think I will stop writing. I am sorry that you think my overview on what happened is to fast and short, and that my head cannon about tv's is not real. I am again sorry for what you think about my style of writing.
Sincerely,
Derpy_Hooves13